This chapter is just a bridge of sorts into more interesting stuff like the prosecution . I've also gotten some great feedback that has requested for more healing . I know there isn't anything like that in this chapter , but next chapter will be a short one about driving her to therapy and fluffy stuff. Nice and healing and not at all traumatic.

Please, please, please give me healing ideas because I have very little. Like ideas that deal with Rafael helping her heal with the trauma... idk how long I'm going to continue this anyway, but I owe it to one of the original prompters to include more post-injury healing fluff.


Amanda leaned back in her desk chair – her maternity leave had ended in perfect timing – and glanced at her partner. He was dutifully working, like always, but there was an air of seriousness that corrupted their usual playful conversations and light flirtation. Occasionally, she would catch him looking towards Liv's absent office. This momma's boy was in "lieu" of a commander and it seemed to bother him. Amanda couldn't help but chuckle at her pun, but the grin gradually faded as she watched Carisi lean further into the folder in front of him.

If anyone else noticed, they didn't mention it. In fact, there wasn't anyone around to notice it in the first place. Liv was on mandatory two-week leave and Barba took the same amount of time off. Fin disappeared for large periods of time throughout the day or didn't show up at all, while Dodds was busy learning the ropes of precinct command all by himself.

When Carisi closed his file with a huff and immediately moved to type on his computer, Amanda decided that she had enough. "You alright over there?"

"Yeah." He continued typing. His tone wasn't rude by a longshot, but it was obvious that he wasn't in the mood to talk about it.

She leaned a little closer and spoke softly. "Can you just... take a second?"

This time, his "yeah" was a little more patient as he took a deep breath and sat back in his chair as well. The young man could feel the tightness in his chest somewhat dissipate, but his mind was no clearer. "What's going on?"

"You tell me." Sensing that he wasn't going to give in that easily, she elaborated. "Did you finish your incident report?"

Each detective involved in the hostage situation, even though mere bystanders, had to write down their version of the events that took place four days ago. Needless to say, each man – Amanda wasn't present at the scene – was moving at a vastly different pace. Chief Dodds was pleasantly surprised when Fin finished his own account almost immediately after receiving the form but shot the smart-ass detective a dirty look upon the realization that Fin took vague to a whole new level. Mike, who had been briefly inside the house, pretended to not notice the paper on his desk even though his father had been bugging him about it for the whole day now. After growing frustrated with the bullshit about "wrapping this all up and keeping it out of the press", the short call ended spontaneously. Funny how that works sometimes.

"Not quite." Carisi felt guilty for the short responses, so he took another moment to continue. "The thought of writing makes me sick but so does the looming presence of having the report unfinished. Haven't really done anything like this where Lieu is a... person involved."

The experienced blonde detective tried not to think of her own report after the Lewis kidnapping; the condition of the destroyed apartment and its horrid contents had to be documented in writing even though there were pictures. Amanda truly understood what he was thinking about as he wrote his account. "This is really getting to ya, huh?"

"I know that it shouldn't be. Maybe it's just the fact that I found out about it first, or that I helped carry her out of the car, and talked to her in the hospital, but... now I responsible for how the case goes. Like I need to be in the loop. Besides...", he matched her position and leaned in closer, lowering his voice, "Don't you think there is something a little... off?"

She felt it too but wanted to know exactly what he was thinking. They were both now speaking in near whispers to make up for the public setting of such a private conversation. "What do you mean?"

"I called Lieu this morning, just to check in. I know that it's none of my business... but I can't help but notice that they're hiding something from us."

Inferring that "they" referred to Barba as well as Liv, Amanda came upon another plausible and much more comforting conclusion. "It's probably just them protecting the secrecy of the relationship. Publicizing it won't exactly get them brownie points with the NYPD or the DA's office, given their conflict of interest and all."

"I guess..." Carisi did not look convinced as he guilty glanced down at the crack between the two desks. Even just thinking about this made him uncomfortable. Nevertheless, he needed to talk to someone about it before he burst. "I was thinking more along the lines of the actual incident, though. Something's been bugging me. Even in the hospital..."

Since Amanda hadn't really interacted with Liv since the townhouse, save for the short phone call a couple of nights ago, she didn't really have a reference point to affirm or deny his observations. Instead, she wisely opted to take a logical approach even though the seed of concern was now planted in her mind as well. "If she is hiding something, you'll find out when you need to know. Besides, Liv is a private person to begin with. She's not going to be open about everything no matter how much we try to investigate."

"Speaking of investigating... that's the other thing." He sat back a little, as this part of the conversation was less intrusive, but still kept his voice quieter than normal out of respect for the sensitivity of the topic. "Is Barba prosecuting the case? Is there even a case to prosecute?"

"I heard that Utley survived his injuries, but he isn't stable. If the piece of shit lives, there is no way the DA is going to accept anything less than the maximum sentence for attempted murder and taking hostages especially since an officer was involved." She took a second to think about it. "So, the case will probably go to court if Utley survives and doesn't plead guilty. I don't know who would prosecute it though. I'm not even sure that Barba can at this point, given... everything."

"Didn't he prosecute Lewis?" Carisi's voice lowered dramatically when referring to past events, but he figured it was an important question.

Cringing at the use of that name, which was on an unspoken list of things not to bring up just like Patton and everybody's childhood, she took another second to think. "Yeah, he did, but this is different. If they are really together, it would be a massive violation of ethics to prosecute her case. But... he is the best equipped to handle it... it all depends on the status of their relationship, honestly. Or at least what the DA knows about it."

"I think he should." Given that one of his mentors was injured and wronged, it only made sense that the other one took the case. "Barba's a great lawyer and Liv will be most comfortable with him at the table rather than some inexperienced stranger."

"I agree." Amanda matched his earlier huff of frustration and forcefully sat back in her chair. The whole situation was shitty, but Liv already dealt with her fair share of trauma. Maybe she should call her again, that last conversation went better than expected despite its rocky start. "We can call her later tonight, if you want."

"What time should I come over? The lasagna will take about an hour and a half to make."

Without thinking, Amanda extended her offer. "Want to just go straight from work?"

Carisi looked down in a futile attempt to hide his smile. His partner showed no signs of serious romantic interest yet, but things were getting more domestic by the minute. Either he was getting closer to her or being ultra-friend zoned, but he decided to focus on the positive. "That sounds great."


Fin took a long sip of his beer and wished he was in Baltimore. A rather odd thought, given that nobody ever actually wants to be in Baltimore. Secretly, he ached to see his partner. Not his current one, mind you, but his real partner. His best friend. His mentor. Munch.

Fin's throat burned from the sting of the alcohol as he shut off his phone; the hour-long call with the ex-detective just concluded with a nostalgic goodbye. Even though they talked about all sorts of things – from playful jabs to a serious conversation about John's new love interest – the urge to talk about Liv was overwhelming. Even though John surely sensed this uneasiness, Fin was grateful that the "wise old man" chose to distract his friend rather than explore the unknown stressor. Given the opportunity, Fin wasn't entirely sure that he'd be able to keep this secret for much longer.

Swearing to never betray her trust, he largely kept to himself ever since the rape kit. Rotating between the bar, the precinct, and his apartment was growing old rather quickly. Sleep was elusive at best and impossible at worst. Nightmares about being in the car with Liv, but never being able to protect her, shocked him out of whatever trance he was able to maintain. The unfounded guilt ate him up from the inside.

Maybe he gave therapy a bad rap. Whatever. Sam Adams works just fine, too.

Now he found his finger hovering over the call button next to Cragen's contact for the fourth time since he heard Liv reply "Yes" to one of the nurse's questions. Since he heard her admit that she was violently raped. It haunted him.

Once again, he couldn't manage to call his old Captain. To admit that he failed her. Fin turned his phone off and put it face down on the bar before signaling for another round.

It was going to be a long night.


Don't worry, Fin won't be falling into any alcohol hole or anything. It's just how I imagined he would deal with some of the guilt (even though he didn't do anything wrong). Plus, I was kind of teasing an idea I had about Fin talking to Cragen and maybe spilling some details since he's been under pressure (because of himself and his own guilt and everything)? I just hate it when people forget about the old squad...

Like I said, healing is coming I promise!