Life is…a Bad Dream
I'm cold. And with cold I mean, pretty assfucking-son-of-a-bitch-I-need-a-hot-tub kinda cold. My whole body's shivering and my nipples are about to pierce through my entirely soaked clothes as I finally reach the dorms of Blackwell.
Thank whoeverthefuck that it's not the first time I have to sneak in, 'cause I already visited Steph numerous times after curfew and am a pro-ninja!
I bet you guys wanna know how I manage to get inside, huh?
Well, that's my little secret, bitches! Muhaha!
But jokes aside. I stand in front of Steph's dorm room, water literally pouring down my body, forming a puddle at my feet. The hallway is dark, everybody's asleep. So, I knock cautiously, 'cause my fucking phone's still at the hospital. Fascist fuckers!
Of course, I didn't expect an immediate answer and already thought about knocking again, until I hear some shuffling in her room and Steph suddenly opens the door, gazing at me totally befuddled.
"Chloe?!" she says in amazement, entirely stunned, and all that comes into my mind is to just wrap my arms around her body and hug my awesome girl like crazy, not caring that I'm totally drenching her…maybe gonna do this tonight nonetheless with a different region of hers.
"Chloe," Steph speaks again, and pushes me softly away. Her pajama is totally wet, which causes her pointy nipples to be perfectly visible. Gosh, I'd love to get a hold of…
"CHLOE!"
"Uh…yeah?" I reply this time, realizing that Steph doesn't seem to be that happy to see me. What the fuck?!
"What're you doing here?"
"Well…I missed you and…here I am!"
Although I try to lighten the mood a bit by acting all cheerful 'n' shit, Steph simply stays serious and even crosses her arms in front of her chest.
"Chloe, tell me the truth! Did they release you or did you run away?"
Most people only see one side of Stephanie Gingrich: the friendly, all-knowing queen of nerds with a weakness for classic movies and an eye for artistic screenplay. But I…I already experienced a very serious side of her. A side that would tell anyone: don't fuck with me!
A bit intimidated, I scratch the back of my neck, just saying "Well…" and that's as far as I come before Steph reacts in a way I never would've even dreamt about.
"I don't believe it!" she says, shaking her head. "Are you insane?! What were you thinking?"
"I…I wanted to be with you and…uh…ugh! Steph, I love you and just imagine four weeks without seeing you…"
"And you think now it's gonna be better?!" she yells at me and I've to take a step back as her tone hits me right in the guts. Boy, she's so pissed at me! "Chloe, you're suicidal and need help! I don't wanna go through this again! I don't wanna find my girlfriend again, laying on the floor in her own vomit, almost choking on it!"
"Steph, it was some stupid one-time-thing." I try to sooth, but to no avail.
"Oh really?" she shoots back and hurts me with this kind of cynical mistrust. "Chloe, if you haven't realized already, all this rage and social anxiety of yours is part of a deep depression. You need help…"
"I NEED YOU!" it bursts out of me, feeling like a big pressure is upon me. Breathing gets heavier as my rage is about take over, because I simply can't believe what my girlfriend's just implying. "I don't need a fucking therapy! I need someone who holds on to me! I need love!"
"Chloe," Steph sighs and gets sad. "You had my love even before you tried to kill yourself and still went through with it. I'm sorry, but I love you way too much to take a risk. I'm gonna call the hospital now and…"
I'm hurt. Her words hurt me. I thought she would be happy to see me, but instead she just wants to get rid of me. I don't wanna go back! I don't wanna be stuck in this fucking loony bin, all alone. I don't wanna be alone…at least, not like this: abandoned and put on a fucking sidetrack.
I grab her hand harshly as she reaches for her phone on the nightstand, giving her an imploring glare.
"Steph, please don't!"
But she stays adamant, ripping her hand out of my grasp. "Chloe…it's for the best!"
"NOOO!" I scream and start to cry, not able to cope that the person I love so dearly stabs me in the back. Panic is taking over. I wanna run away again. "Steph…if you do this, then…then we're done!"
An empty threat, 'cause I love her way too much. Yet, Steph takes it very personally. Who could blame her for that?
"You can't be serious?!" she says with watery, dilated eyes.
Of course, I'm not serious. "I mean it!"
Now I'm the one who's hurting her. She cares, I hurt her. Like with Mom. She cares about me, too and I only keep on bitching. Maybe I need help. Maybe they're right. My heart tells me to stop this shit and get reasonable. But my shitty brain takes over and ruins everything.
With tears in her eyes and trembling lips she says quietly. "Then do what you have to do, but I won't let you hurt yourself again!"
Too late, I'm already hurting myself. I need help, I really do! She's right, I'm wrong. Take back what you said and apologize, Chloe! It's so easy, isn't it?
"Fuck you, Steph!"
With an angry growl I turn around on the spot and run away, leaving my stuff and the loud sobs of a badly hurt Steph Gingrich behind me. I'm an asshole and run away from myself, though I know I can never escape.
The cold rain soaks my body more and more, letting the coldness run through it to the bones. I feel how strength is leaving my body with every step. I'm trapped in the darkness, unaware where I am. I trip over something and fall. I'm getting tired, just want to sleep.
"I'm sorry!" I whimper, as I curl up into a fragile ball of fucking self-pity. "Steph…I'm…I'm so sorry!"
I'm trapped in a nightmare, called my life and wanna wake up. Wanna finally be the person that makes others happy.
Max, Katie, Steph…I love them all; I hurt them all. What I love gets corrupted. Joy turns into agony when I'm around.
A light pierces through the darkness and at first I think it's the light at the end of the tunnel, until I hear the sound of an engine, coming closer. Then I hear the screeching of tires on pavement. It's obvious that some car driver has found me at side of a road.
"Chloe?!" the person suddenly calls my name and somehow…I recognize this voice, but am too weak to raise my sight. I just feel how I get pulled up and sat into a warm place. The rest is only a blur.
"I hate you, Chloe! I wish you would've just died, so that I could piss on your rotten corpse!" yells Steph into my face. It hurts. It literally rips my heart out.
"Steph, please! I'm…I'm so sorry!" is my whimpered answer as I try to beg for forgiveness.
"Why should she?" suddenly chimes Kate's voice and through my from tears blurry sight I see her taking position beside my ex-girlfriend. "You hurt us, Chloe! You hurt us both, because you're a failure!"
I sink to my knees, the pain gets unbearable. "P-please, stop! I…I can't…"
"Look at this miserable piece of shit!" Steph keeps on ranting. I look up to both girls, only to see them smirking at me, their finger's intertwined.
"Y'know, Steph?" says Kate, shifting her gaze towards my ex-girl. "I actually had planned to give this whore my virginity. Can you believe this?!"
Everything seems so surreal, like my only reason to be here is to get emotionally tortured, which is totally confirmed as Steph softly touches Kate's chin and kisses her passionately, only breaking it to say "How about you give it to me?"
With a timid chuckle, Kate starts to strip and I can't do shit. I'm forced to watch how Steph and Kate, the persons I love, get busy in front of me, glaring and smirking at my pity being from time to time to make sure I'm suffering enough.
"Wowser, that's so hot!"
There's only one person in this universe, which would use such a stupid word like wowser. And this very person, called Max Caulfield, wraps one arm around my shoulder and whispers into my ear.
"Look at them! They're so cute and really enjoying each other. You've such a great taste, but I guess I was never your type?"
Turning my head, I look at that cute, freckled face in bewilderment. Never my type? I crushed on Max since I've been twelve, yet always marked it as some stupid puberty crap. But maybe…
"No, you were always my type!" I answer and lean in to kiss her. Sadly, my lips don't find hers as she backs away.
"I don't wanna get hurt, Chloe!" my best friend replies and takes a few more steps back.
"I'd never hurt you!"
After a few steps backwards, Max gets welcomed by Kate and Steph, who are entirely naked. Both fling their arms around here, while their voices become one big echo that hammers onto my mind like a jackhammer.
"Of course, you'd hurt her! You always hurt people! She's safe with us, far away from your toxic being!"
"Please!" I whimper again, losing my hope. "Not her! Not Max! Please don't take her away from me!"
"You cared shit about her for the last few years! Why would it be any different now? Go away, Chloe! Leave us alone and just die already!"
All three begin to walk backwards, leaving me alone with my pain.
"Max," I cry, reaching out with my hand, "please don't go! Max! MAX!"
But it's no use. They all are fading in the distance, their eerily chuckles chiming in my ears, piercing my mind like hot needles. I scream! Scream out the pain that's about to make my head burst if I don't release it.
"MAAAAAAX!"
The story of my life: Waking up after being unconscious and feeling like shit.
I know I had a nightmare, but am I still there or am I back in the real world? I just can't tell the difference. Everything feels dull. Every sound is dull.
I hear a voice, but can't tell if it's close or far away.
I feel coldness and heat throughout my body at the same time.
I wanna open my eyes, but everything's just blurry. Shapes are indistinct.
I'm constantly drifting between light and darkness. I wanna stay in the light; wanna wake up! So, I fight! I groan and fight and try to grab something and eventually manage to get a hold onto something soft and warm.
"Hush, I'm here, Chloe!"
This voice! So crystal-clear like an angel's voice.
Angel!
My little angel!
Katie!
Like it has been a wakeup call, rips Katie's voice me out of my shitty dullness. Out of a sudden I'm able to focus and see her cute face right above me.
"K-Katie?" I manage to say with a hoarse tone, still having some trouble to stay into the here-and-now.
"Shh! It's okay. I'm here!" she says calmly, brushing with a wet cloth over my face. "You're suffering from a strong fever and need to rest!"
The hell I wanna rest! I haven't seen Kate in like forever, and the last picture I had of her was that of a devastated, heartbroken girl. So…pretty much fucked!
I ignore all the pain and exhaustion, sit up and wrap my arms around my little Kate. And there it is again: this comforting, warm feeling in my stomach. And though I would've bet that Katie would smack that shit outta me, she instead replies the embrace and even rocks me tenderly.
Right at this moment, the world is falling down on me. I start to cry. I'm literally overwhelmed by a shitton of feelings and can't do anything else than to have a meltdown.
But Katie holds me. She holds me the entire time. Seconds. Minutes. Hours. I don't fucking know how long. And then something happens that even surprises me: I break the hug and kiss her.
Damnfucking shit! What am I doing?!
Why am I doing this?!
Why isn't she backing away?!
Why am I sticking my tongue into her mouth?!
And why the freakin' hell is she using her tongue, too?!
Our breaths are labored. We moan softly. We're lost in the moment, which is only broken as Kate's mother barges into the room.
Well, shit! Time to faint again!
Actually, I'm not really unconscious…more in a partly asleep, partly awake stadium. I hear a mixture of voices. It's Kate, arguing with her parents.
"I want her out of the house!"
"Mom, she was just in a delirium and thought I was her girlfriend."
"You didn't seem to feel uncomfortable, Kate!"
"She was just in shock, Janine!"
Yeah, right! Ha-ha! Kate was totally in shock…NOT!
"I want this sinful girl out of my house as fast as possible!"
"She's my friend and I won't throw her out just because you're a homophobe!"
"What did you just call me?!"
"My dear, I already called her mother and she's going to get her right after work!"
"Good! And you're forbidden to see her ever again!"
A door gets slammed shut and what follows is Kate's furious voice. I've never heard her sounding that pissed!
"You can't forbid me to see her!"
Eat my ass! Looks like my influence turned her into a small badass…and I'm kinda proud of it!
I feel how her cute behind impacts on the mattress and hear how she huffs out some air to release some steam.
"You can stop pretending to be asleep, Chloe!"
With a smirk on my lips I slowly open my eyes and…holy shit, she looks so pissed.
"What was that?" she hisses quietly, but if she thought that her little bit of rage is gonna have any effect on me…well, you got the wrong girl!
"As far as I remember it's called a kiss and you definitely enjoyed it!"
And there goes her badassery. Yup, never mess with your master, Katie!
"I-I…uh…I…did, but…" she stammers and I kinda start to feel bad about it, until she steadies herself with a deep sigh and tells me something that almost knocks me out cold. "Chloe, it actually was nice, but it won't happen ever again!"
Now I'm the one who's dumbfounded and lacks any words. "Uh…"
"Chloe, I'm sorry how I behaved the other day and…what happened after that…"
Her eyes are getting all wet and I see how guilt is shadowing her demeanor. Damn, she blames herself for my stupidity! I can't and won't let this happen!
"Katie," I say and hold one of her hands while looking deep into her beautiful hazel bunny-eyes. "It wasn't your fault! This whole shitty situation…it was just too much! Since the first day I met you, I felt that there was something between us…some sort of chemistry. But I struggled. I struggled with myself if this was right and eventually made a decision as I choose to date Steph."
This time, it's me who sighs loudly and has to fight with her tears. "Honestly, I never would've expected that you would be...into me like this. Y'know, because of your religion 'n' stuff."
"That's the point, Chloe." returns my Katie with a sad voice, making me frown at her, because of…whaaaat?! "Since that day I thought about us and my…my sexual desires. And…"
"And?"
Silence. Uncomfortable silence. How much I hate it! The rising tension…unanswered questions…deep thoughts on a killing spree...IT JUST SUCKS!
"I'm gonna attend a convent."
Okay, everyone whose jaw didn't drop right now…PISS OFF!
Kate, attending a convent? A fucking nunnery?! This must be another nightmare…or a fucking joke, 'cause there's no way that this hot gal here becomes a nun and stays off the market!
"You're shitting me, right?" I say with a wry smirk, hoping to get one of her cute giggles in return, but…ugh!
"No, I mean it. Chloe…you started a fire inside me that shouldn't be burning. I had this inner struggle too, and…you heard my parents. There's no way they would accept it and since you were the only…girl for me, I decided to rather spend the rest of my life serving the Lord instead of explaining one day to my family why I don't wanna date any guys."
"Oh…" is the only thing that comes into my mind for quite some time. Okay, everyone might be asking now, why I don't rage or try to convince Kate to get back into action and eventually look for another awesome gal. But you know what? I won't do it, because I know my Katie. She's smart and adamant when it comes to her well-thought decisions. And who am I to tell her how to live her life? If she wants to stay a virgin, then it may be so. Maybe it's even for the best, because – truth be told here – I'm a shitty and complicated girlfriend!
"But believe me, we're still gonna stay friends!" she adds with a warm smile, giving my hand a slight squeeze. "We're gonna write, text, chat and call each other! And when I'm visiting my family, we can meet for a tea or a sleepover!"
Well, that doesn't sound so bad.
"Okay!" is my quiet answer, and it's rewarded with slight kiss on my cheek.
Luckily, we already broke contact before the door swung open again. But it isn't Kate's parents who are crashing the party, but my Mom and…ugh, Deputy Dildo. And their faces are only speaking one language: I'm in big fucking trouble.
As I already said, I hate uncomfortable silence. And I had to endure it all the way to the car and most time of the ride. I know they're gonna bring me home for the time being until they figured out what to do with me. But I know what I want. No, I know what I need: help. Lotsa help. And definitely not from this asshead my mom calls boyfriend, who had already ranted about me while I was dressing.
"I wanna go back to the hospital," I say and immediately realize how Mom and Dickhead-David share some confused glimpses. They're officially speechless, and that's kinda hilarious.
"Sweetheart…?" is everything Joyce manages to say while frowning at me over her shoulder and I give her my very rare sorry-I-know-I-fucked-up gaze.
"Mom, what I did was just stupid, dumb and out of desperation. I fucked over a lotta people with it…including Steph. I…I don't wanna do this anymore! I wanna be better, but…"
"David," my Mom eventually says, shifting her gaze to her – UGH! – boyfriend, "please drive us to Blackwell."
Uh, am I in a wrong movie or why's Mom suggesting dragging my ass to Blackhell? Let alone that I'm still feeling like shit. Of course – all-knowing as she is as a waitress – she gazes back at me again, answering the question that is literally written all over my being.
"If you really wanna change somethin', kid, I'd suggest you start by apologizing to your girl, because god knows that you gonna need as much support as possible!"
Again, everything feels just surreal. Probably a mixture of befuddlement and my fever. But, eventually, we arrive at Blackwell and as soon as I realize that a confrontation with Steph comes closer, my body gets filled with adrenaline and with every step I get reduced to a shy fragile piece of Ugh.
It's afternoon, so there are only three possibilities where Steph might be: the drama lab, her room or hanging out with the other nerds. So, my first destination is the main building. But before I wander around the premise like a zombie, I better ask around.
"Yo, Dana!" I call for one of those drama kids, who I randomly see in the hall, "Have you seen Steph?"
At least, Dana's one if them bitches who's actually nice and not judgmental.
"Hi Chloe! She should be in the drama lab, preparing tomorrows drama class." she says and I'm kinda relieved…until she comes up with a very fucked-up topic. "Say, is it true that you two officially broke up?"
Fuck! Nothing stays a secret in this fucking town and this just sucks! Fuck her! Fuck everyone else! I don't even wanna talk about this, so I ignore her and keep heading towards the drama lab. Everyone, who's in my path, gets tossed away.
"HEY! Are you insane, you ugly psycho-cunt-licker?!" yells Victoria as I push her out of the way and spill a cup coffee…or something over her overpriced clothes, not caring if she sues me for that. Keep going, Price, you're almost there!
"Steph?" I call out after reaching the classroom. It's deserted and I'm already about to head for the dorms as I remember that there was also a dressing room. Here goes nothing!
As a push opens the slightly ajar door, a picture presents itself behind it that breaks my heart.
Steph – my ever-strong Steph – sits on one of those fancy make-up tables, her head resting on her folded arms on the tabletop. Her body trembles from numerous sobs, and I, myself, have to fight down my tears upon seeing my poor Steph so devastated. How could I do something like this to her?
"Steph?" I cautiously ask with my quiet, already shaky voice, being reduced to nothing more than a miserable pile of self-pity.
She raises her head, only to gaze at my reflection in the mirror. Her eyes…her beautiful blue eyes are red and puffy, gazing at me with a mixture of hurt and anger.
"What are you doing here?" she hisses quietly and for a moment my voice just fails.
What should I tell her? Just 'Sorry for being an ass'? She looks really bad and it's my fault – mine alone! There's no one else to blame for this.
"I-I…I wanted to apologize for my fucked up behavior. You were right. I'm gonna go back to the hospital and…"
"Stop it right there!" interrupts me Steph, getting even more furious. She shoots up so fast that the chair falls over and then closes in on me until we're almost face-to-face. "You think that you, showing up here, and a simple 'sorry, you're right' will be enough?!"
"N-no…I-I…"
"Do you even know why I'm crying?" she keeps on firing. Now I can't hold back those tears anymore and got a very bad feeling again, because rhetorical questions are always a bad omen. "I'm crying because I made a decision, Chloe! I decided to…to be done with you!"
It hits me like a wrecking ball in the face. My heart stops beating. My brain goes blank. And all my strength leaves my body. Steph's breaking up with me and I can't even give her any credit for that, 'cause it were my own actions which lead to this. I'm the only one to blame. Still, it's hard to accept it.
"S-Steph, I…P-please, I…I love…" I whimper, wet lanes running over my face. I'm just pathetic and my stammered words are fucking underlining it.
"Stop!" Steph continues without any mercy or the possibility to let out my desperate gibber-jabber, brushing some tears from her cheeks. At least, she's calmed down again. "Chloe, you know I'm a person who sticks to her decisions. This is why I can be who I am, without giving shit about what others think. And today I made the decision to break up with you, because…"
She pauses. She's about to say hurtful things and gives me some time to brace myself for the next psychological hammer. She's fair, always has been. She even grabs my hand to gimme some hold.
"We had a great time and believe me, I enjoyed every second of it, but…right now, I can't do it."
Of course I don't understand, and feel my rage rising.
"I know you need any help and support you can get, but I think, right at this point, I can't give it to you. At least…not as your girlfriend."
"What?!" it blurts outta me and I rip my hands from her grasp. Steph, however, stays cool. Even gives me a weak smile.
"See, that's what I mean. There's this dark side still in you that scares me. That literally makes me dislike you.
Last night, when you raged on me, I was hurt and felt how my love to you suffered from this. And I don't want this! I don't wanna see the day you need me the most and I just leave you out of hate. Chloe, you're special to me! But I think right now, I'm more of a help as friend instead of a girlfriend. You understand?"
Of course not. Breaking up to help me, the hell?! But did this come really with a surprise? I hurt her pretty bad and can be lucky that she even talks with me. Yet, I simply lack the strength to reply anything, positive and negative. I don't even manage to uphold my rage.
Under heavy sobs I wrap my arms around my body and wanna do nothing more than to lie down and die. Only Steph's strong hug keeps me upright as I cry into her shoulder, only her soothing, whispered words are keeping me in the here-and-now.
"I'm so sorry, Chloe! I wish it would've gone better, but…"
I know how she means it. I know she wants to comfort me. But I can't take it anymore! I wanna run away again. Just away. Because her closeness is torture for my heart and her touches like hot needles under my skin. I wanna scream! Scream out all that pain. But I won't. Not here, not now! Just run, you fool and get your head fixed before you hurt somebody else!
As I break contact and wanna walk away, I feel how Steph tries to hold on to me. A slight ping of hope glows through the darkness inside of me for a short moment and tries to tell me that she might regret her decision, but right now it gets simply swallowed by this giant black hole of despair again.
I keep on walking through the halls of Blackwell, passing and ignoring other students. I probably look like a total wreck, but I don't care. They probably already gossiping about me, but I so don't give a fuck about that, until I hear this one bitchy voice that simply drives me nuts!
"Karma, bitch!"
Victoria…fucking…Chase!
Normally I'd ignore that cunt, but not today! Not right now. Especially as I see this devilish, gloating grin that she's giving me as she's thriving on my emotional pain like a succubus.
I don't say a word. I don't flip her off. Everything I do is closing in, grapping her collar, pressing her against the next wall and giving her the most deathly stare I ever mustered in my entire life.
The crowd around us collectively gasps and then stares at the show I'm giving them, but again I don't care.
All that bitchiness and arrogance that once defined her being has now vanished as well as the color from her face. Her dilated, watery eyes are staring at me in pure horror as if she fears I'd kill her on the spot…and the people around us probably think the same.
Out of a sudden, I hear some lapping under us and as I look at our feet, I see how urine is dripping from under Bitchtoria's skirt onto the floor and forms a yellow puddle. Yes, aloof Victoria Chase is just pissing her panties and a lot of students are witnessing it.
Being a bit disgusted that my shoes are getting sprinkled by piss and having done enough, I eventually let go of that cunt and continue my way. Out of the building, over the campus, right to the parking lot, where Mom and that pornstache-fucker are already waiting.
And then something happens that I haven't done since Dad died:
As soon as I spot Joyce, I totally lose it. Big tears are falling, heavy sobs are shaking my body and all I wanna do is wrapping my arms around my mom and cry everything out.
"Oh my poor sweetheart!" she speaks soothingly while brushing over my back. I so need that, because, right at the moment, Mom's the only one who holds me together.
It takes some time until I've managed to calm down enough to finally get into the car. Surprisingly, instead of taking the passenger's seat, Mom sits down in the rear beside me and flings one arm around my shoulder to gimme some more comfort.
As Sergeant Shitface gets into the car, he mumbles "What a waste of time!" before starting the engine. But we heard it and right on the spot Joyce tears him a new one.
"One more word, Mr. Madsen, and we'll have the next breakup in this family!"
I'm so glad to have my Mom! I realize that, without her, I'd be lost and…she really cares about me. True, she has a shitty taste in men since Dad died, but one thing's for sure: she's an awesome mom with some minor edges!
