Chapter 10 – Treading Water
We try to swim, but the current of our lives is often against us. It takes courage to cry out to those standing on dry land. It takes courage to ask for help. Not every soul has the strength to lean on another. Some would rather keep swimming. Some would rather drown.
Valinor
Fourth Age
Erestor was a master of control and this talent served him well as he settled into a routine. He set to work, mastering his anger, reining in his hate. It was no easy task, but when the ancient ellon set his mind to accomplishing some feat, he never failed in achieving it. He was now able to sit through an entire council session without his attention straying to Maglor, who sat quietly in a far corner of the room. Maglor, for his part, was wise enough to remain largely silent. He spoke only when spoken to and rarely gave more than a single word in reply. His unobtrusive presence made him easy to ignore, and after months of concerted effort, Erestor was once again in control. His only concern was whether or not he could maintain this state of calm now that Eruanna had returned to the palace.
It was just before midday when the council meeting was adjourned. Erestor stood respectfully as the King departed and he and Elrond followed the rest of the assembly out the door.
"You were very quiet today, my friend," Elrond said.
Erestor smiled apologetically. "I am afraid my mind was elsewhere," he admitted.
Elrond suspected as much. "Would you like to tell me where that might be?" he asked, offering Erestor the opportunity to share his thoughts. He did not want to press, though he suspected Eruanna's return from Alqualonde to be the cause.
"Not really," Erestor admitted. His thoughts were not yet in order and he was not ready to discuss them.
Elrond nodded, accepting the ellon's need for privacy. He would ask again later, when Erestor was more in the mood for sharing. "Will you be joining us for dinner this eve?" he asked, changing the subject.
Erestor, thankful for the reprieve, took up the new subject. "I believe that was the plan when I left this morning," he said, recalling Eruanna's announcement of Celebrían's invitation. "I was told Celebrian wishes to renew the tradition of the house dinner."
It had been Celebrían's idea to bring the House of Elrond together for meals. The King had been gracious enough to provide a salon large enough to host all of Elrond's staff and counselors along with their families. All were pleased with the idea. It was, after all, the little things that made Valinor feel like home. Eating and laughing together with familiar faces was something they all craved, Elrond included. He looked forward to having his house gathered together again.
"It will be strange without my children," Elrond said somberly.
The sadness in his friend's tone seemed to weigh Elrond down. It was impossible for Erestor not to share his sadness. The House of Elrond would never be the same without the Lord and Lady's children. "I am sorry," he said.
A small smile curled the edges of Elrond's lips. He was, as always, ceaselessly amazed by Erestor's ability to convey such sincerity with the simplest of phrases. Perhaps it was because he was not given to emotional displays or comforting words that they meant so much to others, Elrond included. Erestor shared in his sadness, grieved with him, and while his children were not Erestor's flesh and blood he had been a vital part of their lives – and they, his.
But Elrond envied Erestor. For while he grieved for Elrond's children, his own daughter dwelled on these shores, with him, under the same roof. That was one blessing Elrond would never have again, though he still held out hope that his sons would join him in time. Yes, Elrond envied Erestor, but he was also worried for him. He knew about the incident with Eruanna before she departed for Alqualondë. Elrond had, for the most part, remained silent when his friend shared the details of their argument. Elrond's silence was not simply a kindness to Erestor. He, too, had yet to come to terms with the past and the part Maglor played in the events of his life and so he could not offer Erestor an unbiased judgment.
Elrond had, however, spent the last six months silently contemplating what advice he would have given Erestor had he been able to speak on the subject freely. It took much careful consideration, but he finally came up with something close to what could be considered advice. By the time he and Erestor arrived at his office, Elrond had found the courage to bring the issue up.
"Erestor," he began, "may I now offer you the counsel you asked for several months ago?"
Erestor's normally placid expression wavered. He did not appear too ready to receive Elrond's advice, but he nodded slowly in assent.
Elrond sat himself down, struggling with precisely how to word what he wished to convey. "I know what it is like to disagree with a daughter," he began. "If I had had my will, Arwen would be with us right now." His will. If only it were that simple. It was not – and that was the point. "But if my will had been done, and I had forced Arwen to sail, I would have lost her forever, still."
Erestor exhaled deeply. He understood Elrond's meaning and had come to the same conclusion.
"How did you do it?" Erestor asked. "How did you let her go?" It seemed shameful to Erestor that he had not asked the question before.
A small, enigmatic smile curled Elrond's lips. "Eruanna reminded me of what deep down in my heart I already knew – that my daughter was not leaving us, she was merely following her destiny."
It was just what Erestor would expect his daughter to say. He found it strange that one who had suffered so much tragedy could have such deep and abiding faith in her heart. Did Eruanna see it as her destiny to comfort Elrond that morning when his heart was broken at his daughter's choice? Did she believe Maglor, a kinslayer deserved the same?
"So" he said to Elrond, in a mildly sarcastic tone, "you believe it is Eruanna's destiny to be kind to Maglor."
Elrond was amused by Erestor's perceptiveness. He ignored the ellon's sarcasm but answered his question in earnest. "I do not know her destiny any more than you do. But I do know that the child was there when darkness was near to swallowing me whole. She pulled me back, with little more than her presence and a few honest and simple words. Perhaps that is her gift, and if so, Maglor may very well be in need of it."
It was strange to hear the concern in Elrond's voice when he spoke of Maglor. Erestor was curious to know how well Elrond was dealing with the revelation of Maglor's return. "Have you spoken to him?" Erestor asked.
Elrond shook his head. "I am not ready," he replied, "but perhaps, some day…"
Erestor pushed no further. It was easy in his rage to forget how personally his friend had been wounded by Maglor's actions. They both lost so much in Sirion. It was a pain they both shared.
Erestor laid a hand on Elrond's shoulder – a physical reminder of his support, and the lord's expression grew serious.
Elrond's thoughts turned from his own pain to Erestor's. He did not like using knowledge as a weapon, but in this case, he felt it a necessary reminder. "Do not be too hard on her, Erestor," he said. "Like all children, Eruanna must find her own path. Even you went against your father's wishes, if I recall the tale."
Erestor's jaw fell open slightly. It was true he had defied his father, but once, only once. "That was …," he began.
"Different?" Elrond finished the sentence for him.
Erestor closed his mouth. He was angry at Elrond, and did not want to say anything that he would later regret.
"Think on what I have said, Erestor," he said.
Erestor nodded and left Elrond's study without a word. He needed time alone to brood.
Maglor sat in the palace garden. It was one of three places outside his chambers he could now be found – the council room, the library and the garden. He sat always in the same location, a small alcove containing a marble fountain, the perfect place for him to ignore and be ignored. It lay off a secondary path and had two entrances on opposite sides. He sat quite intentionally where he could be spotted easily by passersby coming from either direction. They would see him, ignore him, and continue on their way. It was a lesson well learned. The first time Maglor ventured into the garden he attempted to hide himself in a quiet corner and was met with disaster. Three unsuspecting elves in rapid succession walked into the alcove. They stammered their insincere apologies for disturbing him before running off like frightened sheep. The next time he sat himself in full view of the others so they could ignore him at will, but whether he did so for his benefit or theirs he could not say.
Some time in the early afternoon a shadow fell across the page which rested on Maglor's lap. When it did not pass quickly, he looked up, and found a familiar face watching him from the trellis archway. She looked somewhat different from the last time they met, her eyes a shade or two darker. Maglor did not ask himself how he came to notice such a small change in an elleth he had spoken with only two times before. The child remained silent despite him having spotted her. This time it was Maglor who spoke first.
"How was your journey?" he asked, then turned back to his page, as though indifferent to her answer.
Eruanna had come in search of Maglor, but once she found him, she could not decide what to say. It was unnecessary to think of something when he broke the silence with a question of his own. She was a bit surprised Maglor knew she had been away. "Uneventful," she said to the ellon who had once again returned his attention to the papers on his lap.
The child added nothing further, but continued to stand there as though frozen to the spot. When he realized she stood there still he added, "And your time spent by the sea?"
Eruanna frowned at the question. "Not as peaceful as I had hoped," she replied.
"Hmm," he murmured. Maglor was listening to her answers, partly, but his attention was divided between the elleth and the page beneath his hand. He made two marks upon it with a quill before frowning. "Damn!"
The prince's short bark startled Eruanna. She took one step into the alcove and peered down at the stack of papers on Maglor's lap, curiosity getting the better of her. "What are you working on?" she asked.
"Land allocations," Maglor grumbled. "My uncle feels I need to be of greater use."
Eruanna noted Maglor's displeasure at the idea. She found it strange. Eruanna always liked feeling useful.
Maglor sighed in frustration. This simple task Fingolfin set for him was becoming quite tedious. "I never did care for arithmetic," he muttered. "It has been awhile since I needed to do anything more than pay a tavern keeper for a meal."
Eruanna took one step closer. She was good with calculations. Her work in Elrond's house had demanded it. "May I see?" she asked, holding out her hand.
Maglor was reluctant to show her his work. The last thing he needed was for this child to call him a fool. On the other hand, he had been working on the same problem for awhile now. A fresh pair of eyes could be helpful. He had nothing to lose. It had been a long time since Maglor possessed anything that resembled pride. He handed her the parchment.
Eruanna took the parchment and a seat beside Maglor. She started at the beginning, and in the midst of her efforts, pulled the quill Maglor had been using right out of his hand. She made her own marks beside Maglor's, working out the sum for herself one step at a time to see where he had gone wrong.
At the same moment Eruanna entered the garden, another elf searched for Maglor. The king was not surprised to find Maglor's room empty when he arrived to speak with his nephew. Fingolfin was well aware that the ellon had finally found the courage to venture outside his cloister, if only on a limited basis. He came upon a servant who informed him that Maglor had been seen in the garden. It both amused and worried the king how closely the palace staff kept track of Maglor's whereabouts. They did not trust him – but then, they had no reason to.
The king had no trouble finding Maglor in the great maze that was the palace gardens. The elves who frequented these paths knew where Maglor could be found, and Fingolfin noted how quickly they departed in the opposite direction. Fingolfin neared the fountain hideaway, just in time to hear Maglor speak, and a soft female voice answer. He slowed his step, and approached the alcove in silence. Peering through the archway, he saw the half-elven child speaking with Maglor - again. He watched as she reached out and took a piece of parchment from Maglor. Then, to Fingolfin's astonishment, she sat down beside his nephew, as though he were a friend, not a monster to be feared. She even pulled a quill directly from his hand.
A smile formed on Eruanna's face when she discovered the problem. "You forgot to carry the five – here – that is why the sum is off." Eruanna held out the paper to Maglor, pointing out the step he missed.
Maglor could tell that the elleth was pleased with herself, but there was no hint of arrogance in her tone. She sounded like a teacher, correcting a student's work. He examined the page. "So I did," he said, noting his mistake. "Thank you."
Fingolfin, listening still, smiled at his nephew's simple words of gratitude. A 'thank you' was more appreciation than he had received from Maglor in ages. Not that he was complaining. Fingolfin would rather have his nephew's frustrated rage directed at him than Lord Erestor's child. Still, a 'thank you' now and again would be a welcome change.
Having seen and heard enough, Fingolfin retreated as silently as he had come. He wanted to speak with Maglor, but what he had to say was not so important that it warranted interrupting the first conversation Maglor had had with another soul in months. He could find Maglor later. Fingolfin made his way back to the palace, and as he did so, an idea formed in his mind – a way to solve two of his problems at once.
Eruanna tried to return Maglor's gesture of gratitude, but found herself unable to form a smile.
Maglor noticed her discomfort. The elleth's expression was impossible to read, but it was clear to Maglor that something was troubling her. She wore a similar expression on her face when she stood upon the balcony, and while Maglor was not particularly eager for her merciless questioning, he was feeling generous at the moment.
"Out with it already," he said tiredly. "You have something to say to me. I see it in your eyes."
Eruanna did not take Maglor up on his offer immediately. His invitation to speak was not very enthusiastic. Still, he sat and waited patiently for her to begin. Well, this was the reason she came looking for him. "I met Prince Ionwë," she blurted without preamble.
Maglor's expression darkened measurably. He knew immediately where this conversation was headed. There was no way to stop it now. "Did you," he said, offering her nothing.
Eruanna nodded. "He showed me the docks," she said, "and the white ships."
Maglor remembered the ships – all too well. "They are quite impressive," he replied.
Eruanna grew nervous as she drew closer to the heart of the matter, but Maglor's eyes told her he already knew what was coming. She inhaled deeply, one steadying breath. "He showed me, too, where he died."
Maglor was impressed by the elleth's courage to confront him with this. She even looked him in the eye when she spoke. He nodded. "The top of the hill," he said, "overlooking the docks. He was pierced through the heart, before he fell from the cliff into the sea."
Eruanna's heart pounded in her chest. Ionwë had showed her the cliff and the hill, he told her how he died, how he fell, but he refused to say who struck him down. He refused to say, and for that reason alone, Eruanna knew the answer.
"You remember?" she asked, her voice a mere whisper.
"You think I could forget?" Maglor wanted to laugh, but a sharp pain in his chest prevented it.
Did she truly believe he could forget?
All he had was memory. He remembered the docks, the ships, and the very moment he lifted his sword – and fell from grace.
