I read several more of the daily entries in the journal. Enough to know that my mom had not let Bart kiss her
goodnight after the winter formal dance. Enough to know that when she got tired of 'Margie' lecturing her about
something, she just acted as though she was listening until "Margie-Karissa" stopped talking.
Enough to know that she walked to the corner that Adam McFadden drove by every afternoon, hoping to
have the chance to talk to him.
7
I heard the shrill ringing of the telephone downstairs, and then the sounds of footsteps on the wooden floors, and laughter.
"Harlie!" Crane called up the stairs.
I went out into the hallway, and to the top of the stairs, peering over the bannister at him.
"Time for supper?" I asked.
"Almost. Come on down to the phone."
I knew even before he told me, even before I protested, who it was that was on the telephone.
"I'm not allowed to talk on the phone," I said primly.
"It's Daniel," Crane said, holding the receiver out, and shaking it a little.
"Adam said I'm grounded from the phone," I repeated.
"That doesn't include Daniel. And you know it. Come on."
I stood where I was, looking over at Crane, my thoughts spinning with a way to get out of talking to Daniel. Who knew what he
was going to say to me, after the way I'd hung up on him last Sunday?
"Tell him I'm busy, but that I said hello," I said.
Crane's expression went from irritated to downright pissed off.
"Harlie," he said. That was all. He didn't raise his voice. Not an octave, even. He didn't have to. I sighed, and went
down the stairs, to take the phone receiver from Crane's hand.
As soon as I'd taken it from him, he turned to go back towards the kitchen. I sighed again, and put the phone up to
my ear.
"Hi, Daniel," I said, quietly.
"Hi." His voice was quiet, too. "How are you?"
"Okay."
"You're a hard girl to get ahold of."
I knew he was referring to the times he'd called over the last week, and I'd managed to find an excuse to make
myself scarce and unavailable to talk to him.
I didn't know what to say to that, so I was silent, biting my lip.
"How come you don't want to talk to me?" he asked, into the uncomfortable silence.
"I figured you were mad at me."
"Yeah. Well, I was. But that's all the more reason that we should talk, don't you think?" he asked.
"I guess," I said reluctantly.
"I've got somethin' to say to you. And I want you to hear me out."
I was silent, twisting the telephone cord around my fingers.
"Harlie?" he prompted me.
"Yes. Okay."
"First of all, I don't appreciate you hangin' up on me like you did. That was uncalled for."
"I was sorry as soon as I did it," I offered.
"They why didn't you pick up when I called back, and tell me that, instead of ignoring me?"
"I don't know," I said, feeling miserable. "I should have."
"Yeah. You should have. If somethin's bothering you, you can tell me, you know. You don't have to get all weird about it, and
act like a brat."
I was silent again. I didn't like Daniel calling me a brat. And weird, too.
After a couple of moments, Daniel said, "Harlie?"
"I'm here."
"I thought maybe you hung up on me again," he said, and I thought I heard a little humor in his voice.
"I wouldn't do that again," I said, entirely seriously, and began to cry, although I was determined that he wouldn't know I was.
"Good to know," he said. And then, "So now is it your turn to be the one that's mad? Because I'm gettin' onto you?"
"I'm not mad," I said. I knew I deserved Daniel telling me off. And I knew it was fortunate that he hadn't been able to get his hands on me on Sunday.
"You're not, huh?" he asked.
"No." I hesitated. "I'm sorry for acting that way to you on the phone."
"I accept your apology." After a moment, he added, "How come you're cryin'?"
"I've been feeling bad all week about you-" I told him.
"You could have called me."
"Yeah," I said, sniffling and wiping my cheeks. "I'm sorry."
"You said that. I said okay. Now, I've only got a few more minutes left to talk. Let's talk about somethin' else."
So I told him about school, and my night class, and a little about Karissa.
"Yeah. Crane told me about that. It sounds like a real complicated situation."
"It is. It's kind of a mess," I said.
"I remember that day when she crashed into the fence. Evan and I weren't there when it happened, but I remember
hearing about it later," he told me.
"You mean from Brian and Adam?" I asked.
"Yeah. And Ford cried that whole evening."
"He did?" I asked, feeling bad for Ford, as a scared little five year old.
"Then, when the social services people came out to talk to us, it really scared me and Evan. They separated us from each other, and from Adam and Brian and Crane, too."
"Why did they do that?" I asked, horrified.
"To see if we told the same story, I guess. Askin' us all sorts of stuff about our home life, and whether they were taking good care of us. All of that."
"That's terrible," I said, suddenly angry at Karissa for causing such upheaval to the boys, when they'd been thru so much already.
"Yeah. It was a bad time." Daniel was quiet for a moment, and then he said, "Well, I've gotta get going."
Now that we had talked things thru, and made up, I was reluctant to let Daniel go.
"I'm lonesome for you," I admitted.
"Right back at ya, kiddo," he said, and then added, "I love you. Be good. I'll talk to you soon."
"Love you, too," I said. "Bye, Daniel."
"Bye, squirt."
7
After supper, Guthrie and I were on dishwashing duty. As we cleaned up the kitchen together, Guthrie told me he was taking Kristin out to eat and to the movies.
"Kenny wanted you to come," Guthrie said. "He was gonna call you up, but I told him you couldn't go."
"What did he say?" I asked.
"He said he'll talk to you at school about goin' out in a couple weeks."
"Okay."
"I heard somethin' in town today, when I went to get feed," he said, his tone casual.
"What did you hear?"
Guthrie hesitated, and I could tell that he didn't really want to say whatever it was.
He dried the last bit of silverware, and put it in the drawer, hanging the dishtowel over the rack.
"What, Guth?" I prompted, impatiently.
"There's talk around town of a new vet comin' in to Murphys."
"Oh." Instantly I felt a flash of pain inside. I reached into the dishwater to pull the plug so the water would run out, trying to push my grief aside.
"Who is it?" I asked. "I mean, are they young or old, or what?"
"I don't know about that. There was one thing about it, though. Kind of different."
"What?"
"I heard it's a female veterinarian," Guthrie said.
For a moment I stared at Guthrie, then I wiped my wet hands on my jeans. "Oh. Well, when is she coming?"
"I don't know. I'm not even sure if it's true or not. Could just be gossip. You know."
"Yeah," I agreed vaguely, thinking.
"I just wanted to be the one to tell ya," Guthrie said. "So you didn't hear it at school, or somethin'."
"Yeah," I said. I gave him a sad smile. "It had to happen sometime. Right?"
"Yeah." He regarded me soberly for a minute. "I'm sorry, Har."
I nodded. And thought what a great brother he really was. I reached out and gave his hair a gentle tug. "Thanks for telling me," I said.
"Maybe Adam would let you go out tonight," he suggested, abruptly changing the subject.
"No. He won't. He got really irritated when I just barely hinted at wanting to drive Wednesday night. Don't even bring it up."
"Okay. Well, I gotta go shower and change clothes," he said and went up the back stairs.
By the time I wandered into the living room, people were scattering for the evening. Evan was going out, and Crane was, too. I watched as Crane came
down the stairs, wearing what looked like a new shirt, and his good boots.
Clare let out a wolf whistle, and Crane played along with it. "Why, thank you," he said.
"You look real pretty," Brian teased him, from where he sat on the loveseat with Clare.
"Big evening planned with Lila?" Hannah asked, from her spot on the couch with Adam.
"No. Actually Lila and I decided to call it done," Crane said.
I was surprised by his comment about breaking up with Lila, as was everybody else, too, I could tell.
"Oh, Crane, that's too bad," Hannah said, looking concerned.
"It's okay. It was mutual," Crane said.
I could tell Hannah was really curious about Crane's breakup with Lila, and I was, too, but I kept quiet, hoping Hannah would be the one to speak up and ask questions.
"Well, I hope you have a good time tonight," Hannah said.
"I really like that shirt on you," Clare added. "You'll knock all the ladies dead."
"Or a certain lady, anyway," Hannah said.
"Alright, you two, leave Crane alone," Adam said, with amusement in his voice. "If he wants to keep his date a mystery, then let him."
"It's not necessarily a mystery," Crane said. "Just private for right now."
Both Hannah and Clare looked disappointed, and I had to admit that I was, too.
"You two," Brian said, with a laugh.
After Crane had gone, I went to get my notebook off the desk, and curled up in the big recliner, with my feet tucked underneath me. I began scribbling on another
project for my night class. When Guthrie came downstairs, he got told how nice he looked, too, and then got the customary cautions from Hannah.
"Call if you're going to be late," she told him.
"I will."
"Tell Kristin we miss her."
"Okay."
"Both of you wear your seat belts," she added.
"Yes, ma'm," Guthrie said, and leaned down to kiss her cheek. "See ya'll later."
Everybody said goodbye to him, and when he'd gone, they all four went back to what they'd been doing. Clare was reading from one of her medical books, and
Hannah, Adam and Brian were reading various sections of the newspaper. I sighed a little. It was so quiet. I had to admit that I would have liked to have gone out to the movies, too.
I was just sort of looking around the room in a vague way, thinking, when Adam lowered his paper a little, and said, "Homework?"
"Not really. Just something extra for the night class."
"You've pretty nearly got all caught up with everything, haven't you?"
"Yeah. Pretty much."
"That's what all the extra time at home is good for, huh, peach?" Brian offered into the conversation.
I knew he was teasing, and trying to poke at me a little about being grounded. I was determined not to rise to the bait.
"That's what I hear," I said, airily.
Brian grinned at me and went back to his newspaper reading.
"Do you think you're doing well in your class?" Hannah asked me.
"I think so. The last time I checked I had a high B."
"That's good."
"They offer lots of classes, even in the summer. Maybe I should think about taking a science one then," I said.
Hannah looked at Adam. "Well, that might be a good idea. What do you think, hon?"
Adam looked considering. "At the high school?" he asked.
"Well, in the summer I think they have them in Stockton, at Heald College," I said.
"Let's wait until closer to summer to talk about it," he said.
I sighed. This, I was sure, had something to do with the reason that I was grounded. He probably thought I would go completely wild with the freedom of driving to Stockton on long summer nights, and not even go to class. He probably pictured me getting up to all sorts of irresponsible craziness.
I suddenly wished that we could have a really long talk, just him and me. About lots of things. I watched him, working up
my nerve to ask him if we could go for a walk together, or something.
Before I could, though, the phone started ringing, and he went to answer it. I thought I could tell from his end of the conversation
that it was a neighbor, or somebody from the Cattlemen's Association, wanting to talk about something related to that.
I went up to my room and got the journal of my mom's, and went outside onto the front porch, opening to where I'd paused at.
("January 27, 1954
Today I stayed with Mom until Pop got home from work. Mom is so tired all the time. She says she's fine, but
I know she's not.
This afternoon I hiked down to the feed store. Adam usually comes in every Saturday to pick up feed for the rancher he's working
for. I was determined to see him. And I did! He saw me sitting there, waiting outside the store on a bench. When he was done loading
the truck he came over to me. Here's what he said to me!
'Kind of cold to be sittin' out here, isn't it?'
Well, I was so proud of myself, because I said, 'It surely is cold. How about giving a girl a ride home, Adam McFadden?'
And you won't believe what that rascal said! He sort of leaned down, with his face really close to mine, and said, 'What
girl would that be, Katie?'
Well, I could hardly breathe, with him so close to me that way. But I managed to say, 'Me'. And he laughed, and gave me a
ride home. We took the long way, and we talked.
I think it was the best afternoon of my whole life.
Kate")
I was smiling to myself by the time I reached that last line. ('I think it was the best afternoon of my whole life'.) And practically pinning my dad down so he would drive her home!
My mom sounded as though she'd been spunky, and full of life. And sure, very very sure, that Adam McFadden was the right guy for her.
I heard the door opening behind me, and I turned a little to see Adam stepping out onto the porch.
"Everything okay?" he asked me.
"Yeah. I just came out to read some more of Mom's journal."
"Ahh," he said. "Is it as special as you thought it would be?"
"Better," I said simply.
"That's good. I'm glad."
After a couple of quiet moments he said, "It's gettin' chilly out here. You comin' in?"
"In a while. I thought I'd sit and watch the sunset."
"Okay." He hesitated a moment, and then turned to go back inside.
It was now or never, I thought.
"Will you sit out here for awhile with me?" I asked.
I don't know if he was surprised by my request, or not, but he gave me a half-smile, and said,
"I never turn down a chance to sit with a pretty girl and watch a sunset." And then
he sat down beside me on the step, stretching his long legs out in front of him.
We sat in quiet for a few minutes, watching the baby cows scamper and play in the pasture.
"Guthrie says he heard there might be a new vet coming," I said, sort of quietly.
"It's makin' the rounds of gossip around town, for sure." he said.
I thought suddenly that as a board member of the Cattlemen's Association that he would, of course, likely know about it.
"Is it true?" I asked.
"I don't think anything's written in stone yet. But it's a strong possibility."
"Oh." I thought about that for a moment. "Guthrie says it's a female veterinarian. Is that part true, too?"
"That's the strongest applicant. A woman, yeah."
"Is she young?" I asked.
"About thirty, I think."
I sighed. "I don't like to think of anyone else in Doc G's office, using his things."
"He'd want folks around here to have someone to care for their animals, wouldn't he?" Adam asked.
That was one of those questions that adults ask that's not really a question at all. More of a statement, to jolt you into recognizing a point.
"Yes. He would," I said, in honesty.
"But that doesn't make it any easier for you. I understand that," Adam said.
I gave him a wan smile. And we were quiet again, watching as the sun inched lower into the sky.
"Will you trust me again?" I asked, in a sudden burst of nerve, keeping my eyes on the pasture, and not on him.
There was a long moment of silence, and then I heard Adam sigh. As if he was tired. "Harlie." he said.
"I'm not trying to fuss with you. I just want you to be able to, that's all," I tried to explain.
"Trust isn't something that's gone, and then just comes back, with a snap of your fingers. It takes awhile," he told me.
"That's why I told you about the package. And about what I talked to Karissa about on Tuesday night. I wanted you to know I was trying," I reminded him.
"And I recognize that," he said.
I felt frustrated by his answer. "What can I do? To help it along?" I felt almost tearful over trying to get thru to him.
"Look at me," he ordered.
When I turned to meet his eyes, he said, quietly, "What's this really about, Harlie?"
I bit at my lip, trying to choose my words. "I just wanna have your trust. I don't like feeling as though I don't have it. It makes me feel-" I hesitated, thinking. "Feel like-just low inside. And sad."
Adam was quiet, looking out towards the pasture again.
"Next to love, trust is just about the most valuable thing that you can give another person. It's precious. Almost sacred," he said.
His words nearly hurt me, as obvious as it was that they came from his heart.
"I know there's worse things that a teenager can lie about, than bein' somewhere they shouldn't be, like you were. And not tellin' us about Karissa for so long, well, there's worse things
than that, too. But the main thing about it all is, if you start bein' deceitful, even over small things, like the party, then they get bigger, like the thing with Karissa. Then before you even realize, you're caring
less and less about whether other people trust you. And that changes the person who you should be." He looked back at me again. "The person that I want you to grow to be."
I swallowed, kind of hard, and tried to resist the tears that were threatening.
"Do you understand what I'm tryin' to say?" Adam asked me.
I nodded, feeling emotional.
"Okay. Good," he said, and reached over to pat my knee. "Keep on bein' straight up honest with me. That's the best thing that you can do to regain trust."
"Okay," I managed.
The sun was nearly down now. I shivered a little, and Adam noticed. "Let's go inside, if you're cold."
"Not yet," I said. "Please, Adam." There was something else I wanted to say to him, and I wanted to do it where no one else could hear. "I want to ask you something."
"Okay," he said, waiting for me to speak.
I gathered my thoughts, wondering if what I was getting ready to do was totally insane and stupid of me. I mean, how many teenagers actually confess to something
when they don't have to?
"If I were to tell you something, something that you don't know about, would that help show you that I'm really trying to be honest?" I asked him.
Adam raised his eyebrows, and shook his head a little, as if to clear it. "That's a mouthful," he said.
"Would it?" I persisted.
"I don't know, sugar. What's it about?"
"It's about me."
"Something that you've done?" he asked.
"Yes."
Adam frowned, looking as though he was considering. "What?"
"Will it show you, though? That I'm serious about being truthful with you?" I persisted.
"How am I supposed to know that?" he asked, sounding impatient.
"Because." I thrust about for the words to convince him. "If I tell you, it's even with knowing you might give me more punishment. And what kind of an
idiot would I be to do that, unless it was for a really important reason?"
Adam looked a little stunned. "Okay, Harlie. It will show me that you're serious. What is it?"
I bit my lip a little. "When I met up with Karissa before class a couple weeks ago? I went with her to Modesto to eat supper."
Adam's stunned expression widened. "You did?"
I nodded. "And I was late to class," I finished, figuring he might as well know it all. I stopped just short of telling him how much she'd drank, though.
That would only worry him.
Now that it was out, I waited, watching his face. He wasn't happy. Not at all. I could tell that by the way the muscles at the side
of his jaw were working in and out.
The sun slipped away, in the sky of the west, and I was still waiting for Adam to say something.
7
