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Chapter 19

Ron had to blink a few times. Even before his eyes adjusted to the darkness he could smell the salty air. He could hear the waves lapping. He could see the moon and stars shining incandescently over the serene beach ahead.

She hadn't pulled her hands away, and Ron was still registering the last words she spoke to him. She trusted him. The tingling of her hands in his coupled with her words felt as if he'd just received a lifesaving jolt, waking him up again and bringing him back to reality.

Despite her words, Ron still struggled to trust himself, but pushed the thought away. He regrettably released his hands, pulled out his wand and called "Lumos." A small light grew from the tip of his wand.

"We're at Shell Cottage." Hermione registered as they both looked over at the small house nearby.

Ron nodded. "Thought we might go for the run in earnest." Ron wasn't exactly sure what had spurred it on, especially at such an early time of day, but as they began to run in the Auror Gymnasium he wanted to feel something real. While an illusion felt close to the real thing, there was always something different about really being there. He wanted the real wind, the real salt, the real air, with the real Hermione.

"Shall we brave the darkness?" Hermione posed between a glimmering smile.

"If you can, I can." Ron barely got out. He felt his heart clench, wanting more words to come out, but they didn't and he let his words hide as they started off down the beach.

Ron's shoes sunk slightly into the sand with every step leaving a trail of footprints behind as they ran.

Neither spoke. Neither looked at the other. They just ran. And ran. And ran. With no illusion time limit to stop them the path seemed endless, and not quite long enough at the same time.

He could hear a soft panting beside him, and every once in a while their arms brushed.

They continued on until hints of dawn creeped over the horizon.

"Ron, I've got to stop." Hermione panted.

"Thank Merlin, I was about to pass out." He heaved. He hadn't wanted to be the first one to bring it up, but he was exhausted. It had been a while since he'd run this distance. He fell backwards into the sand. His fingers dug into the silty earth. It felt cold, but refreshing.

Hermione landed beside him with a relieved sigh.

They sat there for a bit, watching as the colors in the sky transformed from a deep indigo to a kaleidoscope of reds, oranges and yellows. Ron glanced over to see Hermione staring off into the sunset as if it was the first time she'd seen it. He imagined after being in Azkaban that this was a welcome sight.

"So you quit the FBC?" He honed in on her facial features, seeking out any signs of distress or concern. She glanced back at him as if reading his thoughts.

"I did." Ron watched her draw circles in the white sand with her index finger.

"Is everything okay?" This was a big change and he didn't want to admit it, but he hoped it wasn't because of him. Had he pushed her away? Had keeping his distance caused her to seek out other opportunities. He didn't think his heart could take it if she moved away.

"Yes, everything is fine. I just felt like it was time. I did what I set out to do. We are more successful than ever and I finally feel like the FBC has turned into something that is ready to grow and become something new and different."

"What will you do now?"

"I haven't told anyone yet, but I've actually accepted a position in the Department of International Magical Cooperation. They said one of my job functions could be developing a committee to review and revise the standards of living at Azkaban and of our international prison system."

Ron went quiet. They sat for another few moments in silence. Like a sore that wouldn't go away, Azkaban had somehow surfaced. Ron cursed inwardly as he bucked up the courage to start the conversation he'd been avoiding.

"I read your report...of your kidnapping...and your time there." Ron hadn't meant to whisper it out, and he wasn't sure she had heard him above the waves, but could tell by her facial expressions that his words registered. Before he had the chance to apologize and backtrack, she interrupted him.

"I'm glad." Hermione said gently. "I read yours too."

Ron whipped his head up and looked at her. The days following Ron giving Vanya the antidote, Ron had been kicked off the case. Not long after though they had asked for his official testimony on everything that happened with him and Vanya. It took two weeks for him to put quill to paper and even then the guilt and uncontrollable anger hadn't quite dissipated.

"Harry gave it to me." She added.

Ron nodded, wringing his fingers together. He figured that was the best way for her to find out. He wasn't sure he would have had the courage to tell her all the details surrounding their time together.

"Hermione. After I came back from my assignment, I thought that was the worst of it. That living day to day never knowing whether I would survive, whether I would be able to see my family again...see you...I thought that was the hardest thing."

He tried not to look directly at her, but he could feel her gaze on him.

"But I was wrong, Hermione. I knew I was in danger then. But this...you were in danger and I didn't even know. You were dying and I wasn't able to save you. I didn't even realize I needed to save you."

It almost broke him to say it. To admit that he wasn't strong enough for her. That maybe this was living proof that this wouldn't work. That he wouldn't be able to protect her. That maybe they weren't meant to be.

"Ron, look at me." He felt her gentle fingers gently touch his beard and pull his chin towards her. His eyes were lowered, but with as much confidence as he could muster, he met her eyes. They were gleaming and determined and full of something serene and powerful. Something he'd never seen in her before.

"It wasn't your job to save me. It was my job to save me, and my turn to save you."

Ron looked away, shifting in the sand.

"When I was in Azkaban, I think I realized the same thing you did when you came back from assignment. I didn't quite understand it then, but I do now. We only have one life and we need to stop wasting it."

Ron had to admit that during his assignment a clarity had befallen him. He had made a silent promise to himself that if he were to make it out of the undercover assignment that he would stop being afraid and start living his life again. That was why he had been so excited to see her. Though he was still terribly nervous, the thought of being without her was no longer an option. He remained silent so Hermione could continue.

"I was always so scared of being left behind, left out...abandoned. I didn't think I could survive on my own. There's one thing when you're brave with a team, but it's quite another when you have to be brave alone and with no hope. At some point you have a choice to make. Do you choose to be consumed by fear and pain, or do you choose a different path for yourself?"

Ron understood her sentiment perfectly. Like somehow, in both their life threatening situations, they somehow connected on a new level of being.

There was another silence and Ron was sure Hermione was waiting for him to say something. She seemed to have pulled herself out of Azkaban and turned into someone who said what she thought and wasn't afraid. Despite having gone through something similar, after his time with Vanya, the betrayal he felt, it seemed to have had the opposite affect on him.

He no longer trusted himself. He no longer felt like he deserved to be forgiven. How could he if he hadn't even known it was really her? If she'd read the report she would have known that he had been close together. They'd spent many nights curled up on the couch watching the fire. And he thought it was her. And it wasn't. How could Hermione not hate him? He certainly hated himself.

"I slept with her, Hermione. We snuggled, and kissed, and danced together. We read and ate and talked. We had a relationship. The relationship I thought I was having with you. But it wasn't you. I don't understand how I couldn't realize it. How could I not know?"

Hermione narrowed her eyes and gave his shoulder a shake. "So what!? She was a conniving and brilliant psychopath. How were any of us supposed to know?"

"I should have."

"You did, Ron." She grabbed his hand and entwined her fingers with his. "You knew I had changed, you told Harry on multiple occasions...and you knew when no one else did, not even my parents, who I truly was. You know me better than anyone else in this world. You're the reason I'm not alone, Ron. Just you."

"How are you acting so fine with everything?" Ron questioned, ignoring her last comments. "You had someone stalk you, kidnap you, steal your identity and throw you in Azkaban. How are you not hating everyone? How have you not lost your bloody mind?"

Hermione gave him a gentle smile. "I've made a choice to move forward and to not waste any more time with things I can't change...and well, going to therapy does wonders." She added. "We only have one life Ron, and I don't intend to waste any more time being scared, or jealous, or angry. I intend to do exactly what I want."

"And what do you want?" He asked hesitantly, not sure he wanted to know the answer.

"I want you." Hermione grabbed his face between her hands. She looked so intently into his eyes that he was sure she could see through him all the way to her name tattooed in fine print on his soul. His body wanted desperately to lean forward and press his lips to hers. He wanted her to know that all he wanted was her. That she was everything to him. That they should be together.

But he stopped short. He couldn't press his lips to hers. He couldn't forget about everything. It had been five years of heartbreak, jealousy, and loneliness. Then, when they'd finally had the courage to try again, when he'd jumped in and let himself be vulnerable again, she smashed his heart to pieces...then it only got worse from there. Bad things always happened when they were together. Things always went wrong when they tried again. And even more than that, Ron feared that his heart couldn't bear it again. Couldn't bear the thought of something going wrong, or them breaking up. Every painful memory, every moment of the past five years ran through his mind trying to protect him from this. Prevent him from being hurt again.

He could see Hermione fall back slightly, recognizing the hesitance in his eyes.

"Hermione." He said gently. "I just don't know if that's a good idea. It's been five years of everything going wrong. The universe doesn't want us together."

He hoped she could see how difficult that was for him. How difficult it was to say no. No more. He honestly expected it to begin a row, but to his surprise, it didn't. Instead, he watched as Hermione gave him a contemplative look as if she wanted to say something then thought better of it. Without a word she closed her eyes and laid back in the sand so her entire body was stretched out.

After a moment of watching her and waiting for a response, he followed suit and laid back and looked over at her.

"We each get to choose what we want, Ron. Not anyone, not anything, not even the universe gets to decide for us."

Ron swallowed, surprised to hear Hermione so adamant.

"You once told me that you were all in." She turned and gave him a look that dared him to refute her. "Well, I'm all in too. I'm not sure what direction you're going in, but I'm following you. You are my best friend and quite frankly, the love of my life. I'm not going to give up and you'll just have to deal with it."

Ron's throat went dry. He absorbed her words like a sponge. Every single one, exactly what he wanted and needed to hear. The intensity and determination behind them made him want to roll over and snog her senseless. Love of my life. He felt the same way, yet something in him kept pulling him back to safety. Kept him from rolling over and pressing his lips to hers.

"I will be here when you are ready." She finished as if it was the end of the conversation.

The sun was now up over the horizon, but neither moved. Twenty minutes must have gone by and Ron let the conversation drift in and out of his mind. He let the feel of their arms brushing together fill him up. He let himself relax and think about where they could go from here.

Then, he had a thought. His eyes opened and he rolled over on his side, looking at her. She was magnificent. Her wild hair whipping to and fro with the wind. Her sun-kissed skin gleaming in the sunlight. Her face, calm and peaceful soaking up every moment. She opened one eye and caught him staring.

"What?"

"Have you been staying in your flat?" He wasn't exactly sure why his mind went there, but an idea was forming as the words were falling out of his mouth.

"Gods, no. I've been living out of a hotel room in Muggle London." Ron's eyes rose slightly in surprise, but she ignored him and continued. "I'll have to figure something else out soon though, almost all of my savings has been spent ordering room service...never mind." Hermione rolled her eyes as Ron mouthed room service questioningly.

"Why?" Hermione asked suspiciously.

Ron's heart jumped. He knew he could not live another day without her, yet still needed space to cope with everything that had happened. Maybe there was a solution to their problem. Even if temporarily.

"I'm going mad at Harry and Ginny's place. They keep forgetting to put the silencing charm up over their room. I swear, one more night and I'm going to chop them both up into little bits. They are making me crazy."

Hermione scrunched her face, and he could tell she was imagining how awkward it must be to hear your sister and best friend making carnal noises down the hall.

"Would you live with me?" Ron blurted out. He had meant to build up to it, but he knew what he wanted.

Hermione whipped her head over towards his. "What?!"

"As roommates...you know, friends." Ron added hastily. "Neither of us have a flat of our own, and I...I miss you."

It was the truth and something about the idea seemed to fit perfectly.

"As friends…" Hermione said slowly. Ron watched as she rolled the idea around in her head.

"You know I'm a great cook." Ron added. "And you could nag me about cleaning as much as you like."

Hermione remained silent. He fidgeted giving her arm a nudge and hoping that maybe, just maybe things were looking up.

Hermione looked as if she'd just finished solving a potion's problem in her head then gave Ron a brilliant smile. "That sounds perfect."

Ron laid back down to stare up at the bright morning coming to life. Again, before his mind could stop his body, the words just slipped out.

"I love you, Mione."

Without any type of contemplative pause, she responded.

"I love you too, Ron."