I glanced around, suddenly concerned about a certain turtle's whereabouts.
Resisting the urge to ask one of the brothers, I turned back to the movie and caught Leo's gaze in the process.
He knew. For whatever reason in hell, he just knew. He jerked his head to the right, towards Splinter's room. I grimaced inwardly.
I can imagine how much fun Raph's having with Sensei. I only nodded to him and averted my gaze to the screens across the room.
I must've drifted off a bunch of times, because I'd open my eyes to answer one of Mikey's questions and the movie would seem to have jumped ahead fifteen minutes.
I didn't realize how tired I was. All those late nights...
Midnight talks. I clenched my jaw and sharply locked the thought away into a cage in the back of my mind.
This inner turmoil shit is really starting to piss me off! Why the hell does it have to be so complicated! Why the hell can't I just decide and be done with it!? Why the hell am I allowing my heart and head to reenact the hundred year war!?
Why!? Why!? Why!?
Ugh!
This is ridiculous! I just wish I'd never even met the turtles!
Okay, maybe you're being a bit dramatic.
No, you're bring perfectly normal. Your life would be a million times easier if none of this had ever happened.
Who ever said the easy way is the better way?
You are, right now. Besides, that dick-head never deserved your company, so why should you stick around? You can walk outta here and never come back. Tell Leo you're done, stop lying to Olivia, get your life back.
Life isn't some stroll down Candy Cane Lane. It's this long highway with a million exits and pot holes and broken bridges with literally zero gas stations in sight. This is your life. It was always meant to be. And this exit you took is leading you down another highway. With new potholes, new bridges, new passengers and new horizons. Why would you ever turn around and just drop this?
Uh, because the biggest asshole in the world is sitting in the passenger seat and sending you careening into a volcano, only to save you. And then drop you again whenever you begin to trust him again.
That asshole has been living in a sewer with four other boys all his life, so of course he has awful social skills, what else can you expect from him? Impeccable manners?
That's still no excuse when Donnie and Leo are super polite.
Ugh, that's because they're all different people. Donnie's shyness prompts him to be considerate. Leo's been keeping his brothers in check and saving people all his life, he's just naturally courteous. Mikey literally says and does anything he thinks, but he's also the youngest so what else can you expect? And Raph...he just shows that he cares differently. And you know that from personal experience.
Raphael is a dick and cares nothing about you. He pretends to enjoy your company and care, but it kills him, which is why he eventually lashes out at you.
No, he's just afraid.
That guy is fearless!
He may not be scared of horror movies and bad guys, but he's afraid of the people he cares about getting hurt. He's afraid of not being strong enough, and letting people down.
He hates who he is around me! Leo didn't even deny it!
He's ashamed because he's afraid to let someone in, he's afraid of being himself and showing his weaknesses because he wants to be strong.
Raphael can be as strong as he fuckin wants then, you're done with his bullshit. You're done waiting and pretending like his outbursts are alright. He doesn't care, so neither will you.
It's only been like a week since you met them...that's an unreasonable amount of time for someone like Raph to just open up and trust you freely. He just needs more time, that's all. He cares...he just-
"Raiya? Hellooooo? You still in there?" I blinked rapidly, a green hand waving in front of my face coming into focus.
I glanced around in slight confusion.
Star Wars was still playing. Mikey, Donnie and Leo all watched me worriedly.
I shook the drowsiness away, tucked the ongoing argument into the furthest crevice of my mind, and forced a tired smile to my face.
"Yep. Still alive," I confirmed. "What's up?"
"Sensei wants to see you." I hid my surprise as best I could upon hearing his voice. Raph stood leaning against the archway leading towards Splinter's room. He looked at me blankly, not the slightest emotion radiating off him. Sharp words echoed through my mind:
He doesn't care. I lowered my eyes and nodded numbly. He pushed off the wall and walked briskly into their room as I got off the couch.
Leo caught my wrist as I passed him. I stopped and turned back to him.
"What's wrong?" He asked, his concerned voice low.
"Nothing, I'm fine." My best reassuring smile accompanied the fake cheerfulness. He hesitated, then released me with a look that said, we'll talk later.
I left the sounds of the movie behind me as I pushed past the cloudy plastic strips hanging in an archway and entered Splinter's room. He stood at a shelf, rearranging miscellaneous items on it.
"You wanted to see me?" I inquired, not yet fully entering his room.
"Ah, Raiya." He turned and smiled warmly. The rat clasped his hands behind his back and made his way to the center of his room. I took this as an invitation and stepped past the threshold.
"I assume Leonardo has already told you about the new arrangements, but we decided last night that Raphael will remain in the lair." I bowed my head.
"I understand, Sensei." His eyes bore into my own uncomfortably, and I tried to look at anything else than his shiny, black, all-knowing eyes.
"What's this inner turmoil you're burdened with?" My throat went dry.
"Uh...wha-what turmoil?" I winced inwardly at my stutter and he smiled.
"Do not try to deny it, I've seen this recently and can identify this ordeal quite effectively. Would you like my help?" Assuming he'll be offended if I decline, I decided to ask a brief question.
"What's the best way to determine a person's trustworthiness?"
"That would vary based on who is involved. I cannot tell you what could sway Raphael's current opinion of you." I felt my cheeks heat.
"How could you tell?" I asked, glancing down at my feet in embarrassment.
"I'm a father. I know how my sons are, especially Raphael. I see the same, troubled look in his eyes." For a moment, I felt hope warm my chest.
He feels the same way! He's as confused as I am! But the spark was quickly diminished when I recalled his emotionless eyes boring into me only a few minutes ago. I sighed and smiled sadly.
"He doesn't care," I said with a shrug. Splinter chuckled and shook his head, as if I were a toddler that couldn't understand a simple concept.
"You share many similarities with my son."
Well that's only slightly insulting.
He noticed too! I tilted my head, interested in what he had to say.
"Like what?" I prompted.
"Independence, bravery, fear..." he trailed off and I frowned in feigned confusion.
"But...Raph isn't afraid of anything." Despite my words, I suspected otherwise. I just wanted to hear him confirm my thoughts.
"Everyone is afraid, Raiya. But my son's fears are not mine to share." I bowed slightly.
"I understand, Sensei." He stepped closer to me reassuringly.
"If there's anything you ever need, Raiya, know that I am always here to help."
Tell him. Let him help you...But he can't. It's your decision, not his...He can still give you advice though, that's always useful.
"...can I ask you something? Just really quick?"
"Of course."
"So...this inner thing...it's...like my heart and my head are battling it out. Honestly, it's really annoying, and it's been going on forever. Do you...have any advice, maybe?" I asked hopefully.
"Hmmm," the rat stroked his thin beard thoughtfully, "I cannot tell you how to fight this battle, as it is not my own, but listen carefully to the voices. You will know which voice to trust if you listen, and when you've decided, do not hesitate or allow yourself to think twice. You must always trust your instincts. That will always be one of your most important lessons as my student, Raiya. Do not forget it." I nodded, my mind feeling somewhat airy and detached from myself.
"Okay. Thank you, Sensei."
"You're very welcome." I bowed and swiftly left his room.
Leo immediately turned in his seat as I approached and shot me a silent question. I rolled my eyes in an I'm fine, you worry too much manner.
"Well that was a long talk." Mikey commented as I fell back into the couch. "Why'd he want to see you?"
"Just to check up on me," I said, not wanting everyone to know about what we'd really spoken about. He nodded and proceeded to ask a question he'd had while I was with Splinter.
I leaned back against the pizza box backrest of the couch, falling deeper into my mind...
Where even is that jerk, anyways? Moping in his room and carving a little wooden knife to angry music? He can't even put something simple aside and sit with his family to watch a movie!
He's dealing with his own little war, Sensei said so. He's going through exactly what you are.
Why? You didn't do anything to him like he did to you.
Raph's afraid and confused. Those random outbursts in the midst of his happiness are proof. He doesn't know wether to finally open up to somebody and trust you, or to basically shut you out like what he does to his family.
It shouldn't be that hard! He's followed you around for almost a week now, that should be enough!
He's never been himself around someone before. It takes courage to shed your mask and show someone who you really are.
Why can't he be himself around his brothers? They're his family, not you.
He feels like it's his duty to protect them and be the big, fearless Raphael they all know him to be. He might be afraid of this new person he is around you.
Afraid!? That asshole's only fear is being seen by a human!
Because he's scared of what they'll think of him! He doesn't want people to be afraid of him, he wants to be accepted despite his appearance and be the hero and be able to protect everyone. He doesn't want anyone to get hurt when he knows that he can protect them. He doesn't want to let anyone down.
Well the least he can do is explain all that to you.
He hasn't because he's afraid of what you'll think. He just needs more time.
More time? You've given him enough time!
Raph may not appear human, but he still is. He makes mistakes, he has fears, gets confused and he needs time to figure out what he really wants. Just like you do.
There.
That blow had shaken the wall.
You already know what you want! You want to walk away and forget about this family of mutants. Reconcile your relationship with Olivia, get your normal life back.
No. You don't want normal. Who ever wants normal? What fun is that?
What fun is parading around in the sewers with mutants, constantly hiding from everyone and training to never actually defeat the Footclan?
Adventure and friendship. Two things you've never experienced in your life.
There.
A crack now, growing gradually.
Those are things you can experience anywhere with anyone! Out of the sewers and with humans!
Out of the sewers? With humans? Where's the fun in that? Where's the adventure? The ninjas? Mikey, Leo, Donnie and Raph? What's fun without them? They're your friends...The only friends you've ever known. Don't throw them away, don't run away from them. They care about you. All of them, even Raph.
There.
Crevasses everywhere, growing and growing.
Raph!? Ha! He doesn't care about anyone but himself!
What about when he brought you inside that night after helping you get over your fear? And when he comforted you about your family? When he helped you clean your room? Oh, and when he actually apologized for being a jerk? He does care. After he got over that initial untrustworthiness, he's been having fun hanging around you. He's laughed, he's smiled and he's cracked jokes, all with you. He's just trying to figure out wether to believe what his heart or his head is telling him right now. Leave him be, let him decide, then talk to him.
There. The wall was gone. It'd finally given way and crumbled. At last, it was peaceful.
AN: So I tried a kinda different approach at inner turmoil and I wanna know what you guys thought of it! :)
Also, I have a feeling that ya'll are gonna loooove my next update!
