Acting Like Myself

Rose Stetson

Summary: Tag to "Shades of Grey." He regretted the words he'd hurled at her. Hadn't even realized their real meaning until they'd popped out of his mouth, but by then, it was too late. The damage had been done.

Inspired by a thread about "Shades of Grey" on the Stargate Fan Club Facebook Page.


Colonel Jack O'Neill took his time in the locker room. Even after he'd finished dressing to go home after taking down the rogue faction of the NID. The apologies to Daniel and Teal'c had come easily. Hammond had needed no apology.

But Carter...

He regretted the words he'd hurled at her. Hadn't even realized their real meaning until they'd popped out of his mouth, but by then, it was too late. The damage had been done.

Which had made him a little sick to his stomach.

Especially when he remembered the look on her face. Like he'd slapped her.

Shame curdled in his belly. There'd been a deeper note of truth in those words than he'd wanted to admit—than he'd wanted her to know.

He hadn't been acting like himself since he'd met her. At least, not the black ops colonel who had done some damned distasteful things for his country.

And maybe that's how he'd explain it when he went to apologize.

But that doesn't mean there wasn't a hidden meaning in there, O'Neill.

He massaged his forehead with one hand. Things had gotten so complicated lately. When had that happened?

He stood and closed the locker door. Then, made his way to her lab.

He wasn't surprised to see her hunched over her lab table with some technical something-or-other in front of her. Would have been shocked if she hadn't been, actually.

"Having fun there, Carter?"

She glanced up at him for a second before she turned back to her work. "You know me, sir. Any chance to study alien technology and all that..."

The fact that she hadn't launched into a whole explanation about the device and why studying it was her top priority worried him. Maybe he'd wounded her worse than he'd meant to with his undercover work.

He cleared his throat, one hand in the pocket of his jeans as he walked a little further into her lab. He'd been hoping that his nonchalant I'm back would have been sufficient apology for the last few days, but it seemed that was a pipe dream. "About what I said outside the control room, Carter..."

"Don't even remember it, sir."

The words were clipped. Brusque. Too quick for his taste.

He winced. "Yeah, well, pretend for a second that you did."

Her hands stopped working. The first sign that he had her undivided attention. "Yes, sir?"

He gestured over his shoulder. "I wasn't entirely wrong, you see."

Her eyebrow quirked up as she finally looked at him. "How reassuring, sir."

He rubbed the back of his neck the way he did when he was nervous. Was it just the leather jacket, or was it getting hot in here? He groaned. "Look, Carter, all I mean is that taken out of context, people might have misinterpreted what I said. But it was technically true. Hammond and I were running an op. Like when I was in black ops. Since you and I didn't know each other back then, technically I was right."

She shifted and returned to her work. "Yes, sir."

He let his eyes drift closed. "Is that all you have to say? Yes, sir?"

"You were under orders. Daniel might not understand that, but I do. No need to explain."

There was something about her voice that didn't sit right. Too much like the way his ex-wife had sometimes sounded when he'd gotten a call to go on a mission in the middle of an argument. Or how Laira had sounded when he'd tried to keep his military gear.

He swallowed. Hard. Now, why would his brain go and make a comparison like that?

Unbidden, he thought of the Dr. Carter who had come through just a few months earlier. How she'd wrapped one hand around his neck and pulled him close as she tried to keep the memory of her husband from slipping away. How he'd let her kiss him. Even welcomed it.

There was that sick feeling again.

He shouldn't have done that. No matter his rationale at the time. It had just made things so much more muddled when it came to his second-in-command than they ought to have been.

He changed the subject. "Hey, look, Daniel told me how hard you worked to get me home from Edora. I never got a chance to thank you."

She ducked her head further, almost like she didn't want him to see her expression, but maybe that was just coincidence. Whatever she was tinkering with seemed to be something she had to angle differently to get at with her tools. "Would have done it for anyone, sir."

He stuck both hands in the pockets of his leather jacket. "Right. I just meant—"

She looked up and offered him a grim smile. "I'm sorry, sir, but I really have to concentrate if I'm going to be able to finish my report on this. General Hammond said he didn't need it until next week, but I'd really feel more comfortable getting it finished before we go on our next mission."

Message received.

"Sure, but before I go—"

She turned those blue eyes to him. "Yes, sir?"

He frowned. "I guess, I just want to make sure we're going to be okay. I mean, Daniel just needed an apology. I'm pretty sure letting Teal'c beat the crap out of me once is going to make us square, but you—"

Her expression softened somewhat. The first suggestion that things would return to normal one day. "I'll be fine, sir. Like you said, you were running an op."

"If I wasn't sure that you guys would understand, I wouldn't have said yes as easily. Like I said to Daniel, the friendship foundation is totally secure here."

She chuckled slightly at his expense, apparently amused by his inability to communicate his feelings with his usual verve. "Exactly, sir."

"So, we're good?"

She nodded, her arms folded on the lab table in front of her. "We're good."

He released a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. "Good."

There was a long moment before he spoke again. "Hammond says we have a briefing tomorrow at thirteen hundred hours."

"I'll be ready."

He raised an eyebrow as he studied the device on her lab table. "And you'll actually get some sleep. Maybe even a square meal in there beforehand?"

She smiled, more genuinely than before. "Contrary to what you might believe, sir, I am capable of taking care of myself."

He grinned. "Fair enough."

He started to walk out the door before she called for him. "Sir?"

He turned. "Yes, Carter?"

There was a long moment where he wondered if she was second-guessing calling him back. Eventually, she gave in and said whatever it was that had been on her mind. "Good to have you back, sir. Again."

He offered her a lopsided smile, his mood reversing significantly with her words. "Good to be back, Carter."

Then, he tapped her lab table. "See you tomorrow."

"Thirteen hundred hours."

He gave a tiny wave and left, feeling that things were finally starting to get back to normal. He might still have some small acts of penance to do, but at least his team understood why he had acted the way he had. Now, he could act a little more like himself.

He smiled at the choice of words as he got to the elevator. No matter what he'd tried to sell Carter on, she'd been right. This. This was who he was at his core. It was good to be himself again.