Coffee
Chapter Nine
A/N: Alright, you've all been asking for it, and now you get it! Here is the next installment of 'Angsty Skeletons Have Relationship Issues'! I'm having a lot of fun writing this, and all your support gets me all choked up and giddy! I love you guys so much, stay positive!
Fell stared at the road with a vacant, empty look on his face, almost like he was on autopilot and wasn't really there. Papyrus had to be lying. Even in UnderFell, you didn't do that! Not to your brother. Not to anybody, in Fell's opinion. Heaving a sigh, Fell took out his phone and checked it. Three messages from Swap, and one from Pap. Ignoring them, he tossed his phone on the passenger's seat and looked back to the road. While he couldn't believe Papyrus, he couldn't blame him either. You weren't supposed to fall in love in his world. You were supposed to hate and despise the entire world, because there everyone was against you. But here people seemed to care about you and want to change you, even if it's only a little.
But Swap was hurt, and Swap cared about him. Maybe it was too much, but he did, and it wasn't okay to hurt someone he loved, even if they were an innocent, nice idiot. He was his innocent, nice idiot! Gripping the wheel tighter in his phalanges, Fell growled under his breath and sped up just barely.
The sun had risen a considerable amount and was now high in the sky. Looking down at the road, never ending, he realized he was way out of town. It hit him like a bag of bricks. He was blacking out again. Ugh! Alphys had warned him that if he got too stressed or tense this was going to happen, but she hadn't said it wouldn't affect his train of thought! If he kept that up, he was a danger to everyone around him!
Grumbling something in anger under his breath, Fell sat up a little straighter and tried to relax, which was hard to do when your brother had helped another skeleton beat this shit out of your lover. He was so done with everything.
He picked up his phone from its resilient place on the seat and put it on the AUX cord, deciding the only thing to really make him forget his problems was Muse. Or maybe he wanted to listen to something so he wasn't driving in silence. Silence was suffocating to the anxious skeleton. He hated it. It made him mull over the stupidest things imaginable. It made him realize how alone he actually was.
Fell understood he wasn't alone. He had a boyfriend who loved him, and he had acquaintances who didn't want him dead. It was pretty good, his position in life, but it definitely wasn't perfect and full of love like he wanted.
And there was still the constant fear of being judged. He hated that the most. The small nagging at the back of his head that slapped him constantly. He hated how scared he was of everything, how everyone seemed to tell him what to do with small actions or their eyes. How did he get so affected by other monsters. Maybe, because of his lazy outer shell, everyone thought he didn't care. Maybe they thought he wouldn't mind a snide comment or little nudge. The problem there was that Fell did. He cared too much, he thought.
Mention how lazy he is, how rude, how lonely. He knew what they were trying to do, and he wasn't going to let it happen. He wasn't going to let some other monsters or people get the best of him. He wasn't going to find out what happened at the end of that train of thought, either. Fell didn't want to be pushed around by monsters who had no idea who he was. He was going to overcome them!
Yet that was what he always said to himself, and look at where he was now. Pathetic, stuck at the bottom of the food chain most people called life. He was so done with everything! The tears picked at the edges of his sockets, the words came rushing back in a mass of fury, pain, and hate. Furious, he tried to push the thoughts out, tried to forget who he was. But they were there, and they weren't going back. Those words were going to stay until the day he died.
Pathetic. Useless. Unworthy. Mean shithead. Faggot. Lardass. A waste of space. The underground could do with better. Who needs him. Ugh, this ass. The tears kept streaming. They weren't going to stop anytime soon. Fuckface. Lonely. Lazy. Nobody needs you here, Fell. Go fuck yourself. Why would we need you of all monsters?
Sure, he'd heard it all. He's probably heard more than it all, and it always came back to hit him in the face. He was done with it. He was done with other monsters and he sure as hell was done with himself. The slightly pink tears were flowing down his face in such rapid succession it hurt. He felt the pain from every day of abuse and hate coming back all at once. Every rough word or snide comment.
The sun had risen to be just above him, so high in the sky. It shone through the windows and made Fell even more aware of his surroundings. Setting his shoulders lower, Fell hung his head.
He drove in silence for a few hours. He wasn't sure when he stopped crying; possibly when he had run out of tears. The thoughts didn't stop, because he wasn't one to forget his worries.
Body tense, a cold sweat breaking out on his hands and cranium, Fell was attempting to regain control when night hit. He had only passed a few cars, and wasn't paying attention to where he was, just absentmindedly driving. His music had ended hours ago, and the silence had hung heavier than any lyric in the air.
Sitting up, he turned around a bend, the ocean on his left and a plain to his right. Slowing down, he turned to the left and drove down a small road leading to a parking lot covered in sand. Pulling into a spot, he got out of the car and looked up at the sky. Stars littered it, like small specks of ink someone had splattered over a dark canvas.
Fell turned and, noticing a small path in the grass, followed it. At the end was a small strip of beach, seemingly secluded from the rest by long grass. It was so serene, silent, and alone. Smiling a little, he began to walk across it and look about with curiosity. He found a small dip in the sand up ahead and sat down, not caring that he would get sand in all his clothes. He just needed a place to relax and think.
Laying on his back, Fell managed to block out the voices screaming in his head and just focus on the sky. Watching the stars, he realized that this was doing him no good. Going out to nowhere, ignoring the people who, at least he had thought, loved him.
The tears were coming back, rushing and running over his skull like rain on a window. He had no restraint or conserve, he just let it out. Let the tears run wet over and over in a never ending pool of sadness.
Why was he running away from his problems? Why was he such an asshole? Why did Paps have to go and do that? Questions running through his head, Fell placed his palms over the sockets to try to lessen the pain, even a little bit. It wasn't working too well, as he could tell by the tears running even under the rough bone. Slightly dizzy, he tried to pull himself back into reality. No need to get so worked up over something so seemingly simple, Fell.
Standing up after a few moments, the sweat gone but his body still tense, Fell went back to the car and got inside. He wasn't tired, so he decided that driving would be a good idea. Going back to the road, the short skeleton got back into the car and began his drive again.
After about fifteen minutes there began to be appearances of road signs and buildings.
Confused by the familiarity of them, he tried to examine them through his blurry vision. The signs were the usual, deep green but the bright color and fluorescent lettering was gone and replaced with dirt marks and graffiti. Spots where the words had been were nothing more than faded outlines of a world gone to shit. It took a very simple scribble on the side of one sign for it to hit him.
Fuck what this life has given me. It was written in simple, short curvy letters. By now it was covered in bird shit and other scrawls, but if you looked hard enough or knew those letters well you would know they were there.
And Fell sure as hell did. He remembered the day he had written those words. He was out for a walk, only about four months ago, when he supposed to be meeting Grillby and a few other friends for some thing, the event was null and void now, and he had decided to write what he had been feeling after a lovely day of insults and verbal attacks from other monsters.
Squeezing the wheel tighter, he realized exactly where he was. A majority of the monsters from UnderFell had decided that this was the place they would stay, and empty, dull valley with no signs of life, or for that matter, joy. He had been living there for a few months before deciding to go out and look for his counterparts. He had only really wanted to because Papyrus had his heart set on it. Grumbling under his breath, Fell gripped the wheel and thought deeply. Maybe he should swing by Grillby's? Sighing, he turned at the next stop sign and kept going, watching the neighborhood get more and more dilapidated as he went along.
The bar was open, but the leaves 'front the store had barely moved from their place. He parked in the vacant lot, closing the door to his car and shuffling in slowly, trying his hardest to look tough. You had to look tough in UnderFell, or else you got fucked up. He learned that the hard way.
The door let out a sad, lonely creek, alerting the fire monster who was cleaning a beer class of his arrival. The purple ball of flame seemed to stare at him before making a low chuckle and leaning over the counter on his elbows, sleeves rolled up to his elbows. "Well, well, well. If it isn't Sans himself."
The deep rumble was almost a comfort to Fell. Smiling, although it felt more like a grimace, the short skeleton hopped into a tattered leather seat and faced Grillby. "In the bone."
Grillby made a tch sound before taking a bottle of mustard from under the counter and tossing it too him. He went back to his glass, the two standing waist deep in a thick, empty silence, only filled by the breathing and crackle of Grillby's fire.
"What made you pop by?" Gillby had moved from glasses to the booths behind Fell, wiping down tables with a rag. He finally got a good look at the fire monster. He was still thin and tall, with thick arm muscle and the exact same dark coat with the fluffed rim that was about knee length. His boots clicked on the cracked yellow tile as the monster stopped his work to examine Fell thoughtfully.
"N- No reason…" Turning back to his mustard, the skeleton stared at the dusty alcohol in front of him across the bar. He was tearing up again, and Fell wasn't about to show Grillby he was weak.
There was silence, and then the tap of boots on tile. Two warm hands found themselves pressed on Fell's shoulders, squeezing lightly. "What's wrong." It was no longer a question.
Fell sung his legs on the barstool and began to use a stampede of sarcasm, his last defense. "Me, aww nah I'm fine! Just a hatred for my brother, confusing feelings of love, and someone I actually care about got the shit beat out of them because of me! Did I mention that the one who did the shit beating was my brother? Yeah, Pap is an asshole, huh?" Squeezing the already nearly empty bottle, Fell threw a kick at the back of the bar.
Grillby let go of his shoulders and went back behind the bar, leaning forwards on his hands. "Careful, Sans. You break it, you buy it." He chuckled and lay back, watching Fell struggle to find words.
"So... you have a romantic interest? This is new. I mean, look at you!" Grillby chuckled, peering at sans over his glasses, as if questioning what he was even seeing. Fell just laughing insecurely and nodded looking off to the side at the dark, red painted walls.
"Pfft, sure. Yeah I do, actually. Greatest thing to ever happen in my miserable excuse for a life!" he stopped swinging his legs and turned, blushing, to the bartender. He was grinning big and wide, with a childish dance in his red pricks for pupils. Slowly, the expression turned cynical. "Or course, I did fuck things over... no. No it was Papyrus' fault. It's not mine." Mumbling, Fell began to battle himself, confused expressions twisting over his bone as he tried to figure out what was going on in his small head.
It took Fell a moment to realize Grillby was trying to get his attention. Snapping out of his daze, he almost smacked the purple flamed hand in front of his face before realizing what consequences that would bring.
Chuckling nervously, Fell looked down at his mustard bottle, taking another long sip. Staring at the polished counter, the skeletal monster tried to say something, but Grillby beat him to the punch. "Well... why are you here?"
As innocent as the question was, Fell couldn't help but feel an edge in the bartender's tone. Smiling, he looked up at the monster, his red pupils going almost completely invisible, thin lines of red. "As much as I'd like to tell you, Grillbz, that's confidential. I'd have to tell you a lot." Leaning back and staring down the ice cold monster, he switched from his happy smile to a weak grimace. "Although, I bet you don't wanna hear. We don't exactly have feelings down here, now do we?" He finished off his mustard before setting it slowly on the counter.
Staring at it, he began to look more and more angry, until he had smashed the bottle flat in a red magic covered fist, eyes ablaze. "Why do I have to be such a mistake?!" shouting, Fell began to bash away his feelings at the small bottle, round after round of punches going down in quick succession on the yellow plastic. He hated it. Hated Papyrus, hated himself, hated how he felt, hated how he acted. Hated everything but Swap. Swap was his only tether to happiness, only real link to love. The only monster who seemed to love him the same as he did, or at least the only one who cared for and trusted him through and through.
A foolish, naive, loud, obnoxious, adorable, sweet, loving, amazing peice of shit. Setting his burning, skeletal hands on the counter, Fell stared down at his knees, shaking under the realization that he'd snapped into pieces in front of the one monster he liked from his world, and he was probably about to get hell for it.
No. He was already in hell, and Grillby wasn't that bad. Sure, he'd never gotten the chance to give Grillby judgement, but he'd never seen him kill a monster, ever. In fact, he'd never seen Grillby get close to another monster. Sure, they guy was an introvert, but that was unnatural. To not even so much as touch another monster, with good or ill intentions, was strange. He did touch Fell earlier, so it wasn't completely out of the question, but damn color him impressed if that happened again.
Looking up, tears beginning their march down his face, another parade of hate and sadness going in a constant stream down the road of sadness, he smiled at the monster across from him.
"Oops. Well, I didn't hit the counter!" Hopping off the stool, the short skeleton was making his way to the door, staring right ahead, praying that if he just kept going the monster would ignore him and let him go. Not happening.
Boots clicked with cracked tile as the tall fiery man stepped in front of him, blocking his entrance and making sure he stayed where he was. Hand crossed over his chest, Grillby stared down. "What's going on here, Sans? I know you. You don't explode like that."
Fists clenched in his pockets, Fell chuckled and looked away. "Eh, do you now? So you know I've got crippling anxiety, you know I'm in love with myself, you know how every morning I wake up at five and stare at the roof and wait until the sun has crawled down to midday to get up unless the only person I care about wants me to wake up? You know I sleep in a fetal position, waiting for the day I get killed by someone and get to move one, my ashes living in the only real thing I cared about or spent my worthless excuse for a life in, that fucking chair?" he threw his arm around him at the barstool. "You know that I can remember every single time a human walked through our underground and killed everyone I 'loved'? Know that I can remember every time I watched you go and leave me to die? Know that I killed myself eight times but came back swinging every one of them with a grin on my face and a pun in my pocket? You don't know me, Grillby! You haven't seen the shit I have, haven't seen the people I love, haven't asked how I was not once befrore today! Don't give me your 'I know you' bull because you don't!" Chest heaving for air he didn't need, Fell dropped his hands, which had been throwing themselves around, to his sides, pale red tears falling from his cranium to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. He couldn't help it. He'd gotten that line so many times. He's heard the 'I know you' line so many times, been playing that soundtrack on repeat like a broken record since he was three years old and asking Gaster to get him a band aid, only to get a 'You'll live' or 'Scars make you stronger' back from a father who only cared about finding his weak points or making them even more obvious.
The sudden heat and whooshing of air where the only signs Grillby left to alert him as he grabbed the bottom of Fell's mandible and stared him dead in the eye, as flame didn't have a shadow. "Sans. I don't know everything about you, yes, but if your late night drink till you drop excursions are anything to go on, when you're extremely mad, sad, or happy you hold nothing back. The fact you just gave me your fucking life story is proof enough. Tell me what's wrong."
Shaking even harder, like a fucking chihuahua, Fell smiled. A real, genuine smile. Gold tooth glinting purple in the light, he slipped his hands in his pockets and closed his eyes sockets. "Heh. Fine. I'll tell you. My brother teamed up with an alternate version of me and teamed up on another version of me, whom I happen to be head over heels for, and broke his fucking tibia. He could've died and it would'a been my fault. I also discovered that my brother was part of the whole thing today, and realized if I stayed with the one I loved any longer he would get killed. I couldn't handle that, so I busted the place and started driving. Ended up here. End of story." He moved to the side and was walking past the elemental.
He stopped when the deep voice followed him. "So, you're scared that staying with the one you love is going to hurt him more than leaving him behind and going away forever, without his lover to protect him or keep him safe. Your brother could go after him again if you don't go save his ass, my friend. Plus, whomever this version is, he's gonna attack you hard. You're afraid of something so you ran away from it. Good going."
Fell put up a hand and smiled, cringing inside. "Let's talk about lefts and rights." He grinned.
Grillby made a confused noise. "What do-"
"You're so right, I left." And with that parting pun, the skeleton ran out the bar, giving himself little time to open the car door before throwing the key in the ignition and pulling out of the driveway. For all he knew, Swap was fucked, and it was going to be his fault if he didn't run his ass over there.
A/N: Apologies on not getting this out sooner, my lovelies! I really appreciate the love, and some criticism is ALWAYS appreciated. This has been one of my favorite chapters to write, and I am soooooo excited to get this story rolling because of all the plotlines and potholes I have planned. Seriously eventually you're gonna start crying and you're not gonna stop! :D
Get prepped, mother fuckers
I am saddened by the lack of swearing in my Fell chapters recently ha ha
