Thank you to my reviewers for their continued support!
Katia0203: wow, your job must be emotionally draining at times. Yes, it'll be a long road for them
Ponytail goddess: yes, agree haldir would have been devastated if she'd died
Please drop me a line to let me know what you think!
When the marchwarden emerged from the stables, he was once again the stoic pillar his family could lean on. Knowing both Lara and their son would be sleeping in his brothers' flets, he headed for his own home. It had none of the warmth and happiness he was accustomed to feeling when he walked in. The place was a complete mess. When the healers had arrived and worked frantically on his wife and child, they had not paid much attention to being orderly. Medical supplies, both new and used, were strewn about. The bedroom was worse, much worse. For a soldier seasoned by much killing and death, the scene in front of him still managed to bring bile up into his throat. It was nothing short of gruesome. No one had been back to the room since Lara had been taken from. The sheets were crumpled, soaked with blood. There had been so much of it, Haldir thought it a miracle that his wife lived. His heart ached at what pain his wife must have endured alone.
His wife would want to come home to be comfortable in her own things. Haldir immediately began to clean up. He would work all night if he had to. Lara would not want others to see the state of their bedroom or know just how terrible what had happened was. Methodically, Haldir spent the next hours cleaning up any reminder of the tragedy. By next morning, the flet was pristine. The sheets thrown out and crisp new ones were laid on the bed. The bloodied bandages, medical instruments, leftover vials of drugs had all been removed. The flet was ready for his family to come home.
That morning he went to Orophin's flet first, to pick up his son. Thankfully, Toberion had remained blissfully unaware of all that had transpired. His father found him at the breakfast table with his uncle, having a slice of cake ("Orophin! You do not feed a toddler cake for breakfast!). Orophin looked guiltily at his eldest brother, confessing that the child had pretty much had his way on just about everything for the past several weeks. Having plucked up his son, the two headed to Rumil's to see Lara.
The marchwarden's wife was quietly sipping a cup of tea on the terrace when she spotted her son in the arms of her husband walking towards the flet. She felt a pang of relief. She had not seen her son since the miscarriage, Inaya had been worried that taking care of a toddler would be too much for her health. Lara had missed him terribly, but she knew it would only upset the child to see his mother in such a state. The elfling was bouncing happily in his father's arms, chattering away. Despite herself, Lara smiled.
When Inaya came out to the terrace to tell her of the visitors, Lara was prepared. Haldir was led to the terrace to have a moment alone with his wife while Inaya watched Toberion. He walked softly onto the terrace, a mixture of relief and worry in his eyes. Lara looked away, unwilling to meet his gaze.
"You're back" she said simply.
"Aye, I came as soon as I heard. Lara, I cannot imagine what it was like for you-" he began. She was in no mood to hear it.
"No you cannot imagine because you were not there. As usual, Haldir, you were absent."
He took a step towards her, pleading his case. "Meleth, I would give anything to go back and do it again. If I had known, I would have been there with you."
"Please say no more Haldir, I can't bear it. My daughter is dead, there is nothing anyone can say to me to ease my pain" Lara snapped.
"I've prepared the flet, I thought you'd want to come home" Haldir offered.
Lara nodded, then upon further consideration dropped a bombshell. "I can't sleep in the same bed as you. I can't be that close to you right 'll sleep in the spare bedroom"
Haldir swallowed his pain, and that was a tough pill to swallow. "As you wish."
Their first few days after returning to their flet, Lara hardly spoke to her husband at all. She could barely tolerate looking at him. He could tell she was angry at him. Angry for not being there for their child, for her. She was grieving and she was taking out her pain on him. Even though she would not communicate with him, he wanted her to know that he had not given up on their marriage.
"Lara, when I bound myself to you, it was forever. You will not be able to drive me away, despite your efforts. I know you're hurting. I am here because I love you." He said. They were alone at the dinner table that night, eating in silence. Toberion had been whisked away to his uncle Orophin's to give his mother some peace and quiet.
Lara looked up from her plate surprised. She had assumed Haldir had no idea what was going on in her mind. She'd thought he had been so consumed by his soldiering duties to notice what was happening at home. Yet he had read her perfectly. She was taking out her pain on him. He was an easy target, he would not fight back.
Lara reached over beside her in bed, expecting to find her husband but instead feeling only the sheets of the empty bed. Where had Haldir gone? Had he finally had enough and left her, she wondered sarcastically. She had been rather unpleasant lately. But caring for a newborn, especially a colicky one as her son was, was exhausting. She had hardly slept for weeks. Her nipples were cracked and sore from feeding the baby, her hair was a mess, and she had inexplicably gained weight after delivery (what!).
She got out of bed to check on Toberion. As she neared his nursery, she heard the soft tones of a lullaby. It was her husband, singing softly to the baby in his arms. She realized she had never heard him sing before. He did not like to show his soft side. Yet there he was, rocking the infant back and forth, singing a silly song about fairies to the delight of his son.
"Well Toberion, it's time to go back to sleep. Nana needs a break and she can only get one if you stop crying so much." To which the baby giggled, as if telling him his request was ridiculous.
"Toby, I'm your Ada. I promise to show you how to be honorable and just, strong and fair, loving and kind. And I will never let anything harm you or your nana" he whispered. Those words came from the very depth of his soul, Lara could tell. It was an oath. It moved her. This elf was the most honorable, just, strong, fair, loving and kind elf she had ever met. Her soul was merged with his now, until the end of arda, and she knew he would have it no other way.
Haldir banged on the bathroom door with no avail. He had heard and thump and fearing the worst, he went to check on his wife. She did not answer, so he kept knocking. Then, he heard her sobbing from the other side. He touched his forehead to the door and sighed.
"Meleth, please let me in. Whatever is wrong, I can help" he pleaded.
After a long silence, he heard the reluctant clicking of the lock as it slid open. He carefully opened the door and slid into the bathroom. He closed the door behind him and seated himself in front of it so that Toberion would not accidentally wander in. His wife was kneeling on the floor, sobbing.
Her shirt was wet through the chest and she cupped her breasts gently with her hands.
"My milk is still coming" Lara said, a pained expression on her face. He suddenly realized that she was making breastmilk, for a baby who would never drink it. Such bodily functions did not stop just because the infant was gone. It gutted him.
A few days later, Lara was home alone in the afternoon. Haldir had taken their son out to the park for some fresh air. She had politely but firmly refused offers from Inaya to go to the market. She simply wanted to be alone. Yet now that she was alone, she found the silence and solitude unbearable. What was wrong with her?! Her eyes trailed towards the door in the far end of the room. Behind it was the nursery for a child that would never sleep in it. The door had been firmly closed ever since Lara had returned home. She didn't know what possessed her, but she walked up to the door and opened it. The room was precisely how she had left it. The new furniture gleaming in the warm sunlight, toys had been lined up on the shelves awaiting an owner that would never come.
It was all too much for her. The room was filled with the promise of a beautiful life that will never be. Toys that will never be played with, books that will never be read, giggles and squeals of delight that will never happen. Lara raged at the unfairness of it all. She went to Haldir's closet and grabbed his service sword.
The elven blade had destroyed many a foe. And today, it would destroy Lara's enemy: being haunted by a future she could never have. The first swing shattered the book shelf, soft toys flew everywhere. The cracking of the wood was so satisfying to her that she brought the sword up again and cut across the crib, sending splinters in all directions. And she kept going, losing track of reality until every piece of furniture in the nursery had been destroyed. Then, she calmly put the sword back in its sheath and back into Haldir's weapons closet.
Without much further thought, she began cleaning up the room. It was therapeutic, by sweeping up the pieces of the nursery and dumping it in the trash, she was putting away the dream of a daughter and a family of 4. When the room was emptied, she inspected it closely for any trace of a nursery. She couldn't find any. It looked like any spare room now, erased of evidence that a baby ever existed.
Haldir had noticed the bins of broken furniture outside of their home when he returned with Toberion that evening. When he entered the flet, his eyes briefly flicked towards the room that used to be the nursery. Finding what he expected, an empty room devoid of all its previous contents, he looked at his wife questioningly.
"I could not stand to look at all that furniture any longer" was the only explanation she gave. He did not say a word, offered no expression, simply nodding and proceeded to help Toberion wash up for dinner.
Late that night, while the rest of the house was asleep, the marchwarden slipped out of the flet. He needed to clear his head. He was being tested, and he had begun to doubt his faith that he and Lara would find their way back to each other. He refused to give up on their marriage. They would get through his, he vowed, and they will come out the other side stronger.
