Happy new year everyone! Wishing you all a healthy 2021!
Thank you to everyone who has followed and favorited this story. I have a few more plot elements planned before the end, hope you're enjoying!
katia0203: yes i did put a little something in the chapter about toby. Even though he's not main character, you were right to bring up he has been a little ignored so far. I got too engrossed in writing about Lara and Haldir. Here's hoping this is a remedy. Thanks for your review!
Ponytail Goddess: thanks for the review! While going back to work will help Lara, this story in the end is about self discovery. Work will be part of that, but Lara has to figure out a few things about herself too.
Lara had cooked a sumptuous dinner that night. She watched as son and husband dug in hungrily. She picked at her food distractedly.
"Inaya said you declined her invitation to go shopping again" Haldir offered casually, though by the way he was inspecting her response, she suspected there was nothing casual about his question. She knew she must seem withdrawn. She had withdrawn, but only by looking within herself could she figure out how she would move forward.
"I didn't feel like going shopping" she said nonchalantly.
"She said she's hardly seen you for the last month. She worries" her husband pressed.
"She doesn't need to worry. I just don't want to see her right now" Lara said defensively, her cheeks flushing. She did need to justify with whom she wanted to associated with to her husband!
"Why not?" Haldir asked pointedly, not letting it slide.
"Because Haldir, Inaya's life is focussed on supporting her husband and starting a family. Excuse me if that's not appealing to me currently!" She snapped, more harshly than she intended. It silenced the entire table. Toberion looked up from his plate, confused by the sudden change in his mother's tone.
"Nana, are you mad at Ada?" the child asked innocently. Lara could tell the thought distressed him.
"No sweet pea, everything's fine" Lara soothed.
Toby did not seem convinced. "Are you fighting because we're not getting a baby anymore?" he blurted out.
Both his parents were taken aback. They had worked very hard to keep the disruption to his life minimal. It had been Haldir who broke the news to his son.
The first thing Haldir did the morning after he returned to Lothlorien upon hearing of his wife and baby was to pick up his son from Orophin's. He had spent the night cleaning the flet to ready it for his wife and child to return home. As he ascended the steps of Orophin's flet, he mentally prepared himself.
The elfling was sitting at the breakfast table, cheerfully digging his way through a slice of cake. Orophin gave his older brother with a guilty expression. Haldir sat down at the table next to his son, sipping a cup of coffee. After Haldir politely reminded Orophin that children ought not to get cake for breakfast, he turned his attention to Toberion.
"Toby, what did your aunt and uncles tell you about nana?" he asked gently.
The child swallowed the last bite of his cake and eyed his father innocently. "Nana's sick and uncle Rumil and aunt Inaya are taking care of her. They said she'd be better very soon and not to worry."
Haldir breathed a sigh of relief. He gave Toby a reassuring smile. "Aye, Nana will be well very soon. She's going to come home today, as are you." His son responded with a wide smile.
"Toby, when nana comes home, she won't have a baby" he added. The child frowned. His parents had spent the last months talking to him about a new baby and all the things that would happen when he got a sibling.
"Why not, where did it go?" the child asked.
"Your sister has joined your grandparents in Valinor. We will see them one day, but not just yet. I know it's disappointing because you were looking forward to having a sibling" Haldir said as gently as he could, eyeing his son. Toby contemplated this for a long moment, before smiling.
"I'm glad she has grandma and grandpa to look after her, when we can't be with her yet."
Haldir bit back his emotions. "Yes, you're right. Toby, Nana may be sad for a while because she'll miss the baby. But we both still love you very much and we'll still be here for you."
Toby nodded as if he expected nothing different. "Can we go see Nana now?"
"Toby, I don't want you to worry about that" Lara said firmly. Whatever differences she and Haldir were having, she did not want it to spill over to their son.
"But it's true isn't it? What they're saying?" Toby pressed.
"What's true?"
"That you and ada are fighting. That you don't love ada anymore because now we're not getting a baby" Toby accused, getting visibly upset.
"Who said that?"
"People. My friends' parents. They thought I wasn't listening" the child pouted.
Lara was speechless. She always knew her son was perceptive, but he had understood far more than she expected. She looked at Haldir, who seemed just as surprised and worried as she.
Lara chose her next words very carefully.
"Toby, Ada and I love you very much. That will never change. Whatever happens between ada and I, we will always love you and do what's best for you."
Toby seemed to understand, but the way he frowned seemed to indicate he also knew she had avoided his question.
"Can I go play now?" he asked, seeming to let the topic go for now.
"Of course." With his mother's permission, he hopped of his chair and rushed outside to join his friends in a game of tag. The two parents stared at each other silently.
"I meant it Haldir. Whatever happens between us, I will would never let Toby suffer. I know you would do the same" Lara affirmed.
"Aye, I know" he sighed again. Then in a rare moment of vulnerability, he asked "I'd like to know the answer to his question Lara. Do you still love me?"
Lara simply stared at him. Such an unexpected question, a simple yet inexplicably complex question. "You're the father of my child, Haldir, I will always care for you." She had once again avoided the question. Haldir did not press the matter, part of him was afraid to know the answer.
"Haldir, I've decided to go back to working at the archives. I've missed it" Lara said simply.
"I know you'll enjoy it Lara, you've been away too long. It's time you chased your dreams" Haldir said.
"Toby is going to nursery school now, it won't impact his schedule" Lara reasoned.
"We'll make it work." He paused, and then braced himself. "Lara, if you don't love me anymore, I won't keep you bound to me."
Lara frowned. "Haldir, what would that do to you?" When elven couples married, their body and soul were merged. Because they shared a child, Lara and Haldir's bond was especially strong. No elven marriage had ever been broken while both mates were still alive. But it was also unheard of to suffer the tragedy that they had.
"Do not worry for me, Lara."
"I would not want you to suffer" she said. Though Haldir would not say it, she was fairly certain it would irreparably damage him. Whatever she was feeling for Haldir, she could never do that to him. What was she feeling for Haldir?
The day was cloudless and bright, a perfect day for a trip onto the plains surrounding Lorien. The destination was a small human settlement near the woods' borders. Lara and Haldir rode swiftly, slicing through the plains with ease. The large gate of the settlement swung open for them.
"Captain Haldir" the large man approached them, arms open in welcome. He embraced Haldir warmly. The man wore chain mail, roughly made, unlike the fine craftmanship of elven armor. His helmet and sword were similarly of rough make. This man and his compatriots would be easy prey for an orc company, Lara knew. They surely must have known it too, had it not been for Haldir and the aid of the elven soldiers to bolster their defences. "You have brought a guest?" the man said heartily, surprised.
"My wife, Lara" Haldir introduced.
"She is the most beautiful elf maiden I have ever seen" the man stated, clearly in awe. After a moment, when the initial shock wore off, the man hastily introduced himself. "I am Luke. Head guard here in the village. The aid your husband and his soldiers have given us, it has been invaluable. My wife, Mary has prepared a meal. The best pot roast in all of Middle Earth! We will eat as soon as Haldir is done inspecting the troops. Come, I'll show you to the house." He led Lara towards his abode.
While the soldiers were busy inspecting the border fortifications, Lara sat in Luke and Mary's kitchen. The home was modest at best, the furniture was well worn but what they lacked in material means was more than made up for by the wealth of love in the home. Lara had met all 4 of the children, 3 boisterous boys and a newborn baby girl. Her heart had clenched when Mary swaddled the infant, and the baby cooed in response. Mary had made her feel welcome immediately.
"Would you like to hold her?"
"Oh no, I don't think it's a good idea" Lara said, suddenly panicked. "Um, Haldir and I brought some things we thought you could use" she said, changing the topic. She handed over the wrapped parcel.
Mary took the package and opened it on the kitchen counter. Lara slid into the chair beside her, sipping the fresh coffee Mary had just brewed.
"Oh, they're beautiful!" Mary exclaimed, as she fingered the fine fabric.
"The cloth is soft but they are much stronger than they appear. It will hold up to a child's play" Lara explained.
Mary looked at her intently before smiling softly. "Thank you Lara, I know it must be hard for you to give these away after what happened."
"You know what happened?" Lara asked, surprised.
"I'm very sorry for your loss" Mary said, reaching over to her and giving her a tight hug. "Haldir was so excited…"
"I- I didn't know Haldir talked about his family" Lara said awkwardly. There was so much she didn't know about her husband. He had always kept his work away from her, she felt it was a deliberate separation. She had resented it.
"Luke is the same way. He does not want us to hear of the horrors of war. I know because my father was a soldier too. Luke wants his children to enjoy their innocence as long as possible. Surely, some of our sons will be on the front lines soon enough. It is our duty to ensure the evils of this world do not touch our children too soon" Mary said with conviction.
"But Haldir talked to you, about us?" Lara pressed, her interest piqued.
"Yes, he sometimes stays for dinner if the training exercises have gone late. They get along, he and Luke. He has spoken of you and your son often; how much he misses you and Toby. He was so happy that another little one was on its way, Lara. He would do anything to protect you" Mary said gently. Even though Lara didn't have to say it, Mary seemed to understand Lara's struggles.
"Well, I hope those clothes will suit your little one" Lara said, suddenly wanting to put her sadness away.
"Of course, they shall be put to good use. I had hoped for a girl, can you blame me after 3 boys?" Mary answered wearily, Lara had to laugh. The women moved towards the kitchen, starting to set the table for lunch. Soon, Luke and Haldir had finished inspecting the fortifications and came in for the meal. They were followed by the 3 boys, raucously entering the home. As soon as the children finished eating, they ran outdoors to finish their game. Mary was able to put the baby down for a nap. Finally, the adults were able to enjoy desert in peace.
"How did you like the furniture Lara? Captain Haldir worked on it for weeks" Luke said jovially.
Lara froze, her fork still halfway to her mouth. "The furniture…" she said slowly. Mary glared at her husband. He didn't take the hint.
"The furniture for the nursery. He had the village carpenter Garron help him of course, to make sure he finished it before the –" the man was cut off abruptly by a kick from under the table, Mary had made her point. "Oh" Luke said when he finally clued in. The table fell silent.
"Mary, the meal is delicious. You shouldn't have gone through the trouble" Haldir said tactfully. Lara stared down silently at her plate. "Er- it was no trouble Captain. The whole village is grateful for the aid of you and your soldiers. Please give our thanks to your lord and lady" Mary said, taking the reins of the conversation.
After bidding many thanks and farewells to their mortal hosts, Haldir and Lara led their steads out of the village. Lara felt she had found a friend in Mary, despite knowing her for only a short time. She had even promised to bring Toberion next time to visit, knowing her son would surely enjoy the company of Luke and Mary's children.
"Here, let me help you up" Haldir offered his hand to Lara, so she could mount her horse.
"I'd rather walk a little further, it is a lovely day" Lara said wistfully. "Do you mind Haldir?"
"No, of course not" he agreed.
They walked in silence, their horses following behind them at a leisurely pace.
"Why didn't you tell me that you made the furniture? Weren't you angry when I destroyed it?" Lara asked suddenly, turning to Haldir. They had come to a halt now. In the middle of the plains, miles from the border of Lorien, they were completely alone.
Haldir looked at her a moment. "I knew you were hurting Lara. It didn't seem so important to tell you."
"It was important to you, was it not. Luke said you worked on it for weeks." Lara insisted.
"Aye, it doesn't matter now Lara" her husband placated.
"Why don't you ever tell me what you're feeling?" Lara demanded, she was letting it out now. The question that had nagged her for such a long time. "Why do you allow me to think that you don't care for your family, when it couldn't be further from the truth? You knew what I thought and you didn't correct me? You made furniture, ordered clothes for the baby but you let me think you didn't hardly noticed I was pregnant. Why?"
Haldir looked away, as he often did when difficult topics of conversation came up. "You know I do not show my feelings easily, it is part of being a warden…" he said uneasily.
"No, being at war with orcs is different from talking to your wife! Why couldn't you ask me how I was feeling, and tell me what you were feeling. Why is that so hard?"
"Do you want to know what I'm feeling Lara?" Haldir said, his voice shaking slightly.
"Yes Haldir, for once, tell me what you're thinking!" Lara exclaimed.
"I know I should have been there with you that night you miscarried. I knew it before I left that I should not have gone and I knew it as soon as I got word of what happened. I know I failed you, and toby and our daughter. The only thing I wanted to be good at was being a good husband and father. And I have failed at it. I do not deserve you and Toby, I know that. I do not tell you these things because I can see it in your eyes already." He said harshly.
