Chapter 6
Eliot walked into the room to find Nate standing at the window staring out on the forest below. He did not turn when Eliot entered, nor did he acknowledge his presence. Eliot walked over to the chairs and took a seat. He reached out and took the bottle of whiskey off the table then pouring himself a glass he sat back and waited. Then when Nate still stood with his back to him not saying anything, not even asking him to leave he took a deep breath and started to speak.
"I had been in the army for a few years, been seconded to special forces, you know not having a family and such. We were hotshots, our squad picked up all the impossible missions because we always seemed to come through, but then one day we were sent on a black ops mission. If we got caught we would be disavowed etcetera etcetera…" Eliot said taking a sip of his whiskey and staring at Nate's back. "It was all going well and then…well then it wasn't. Two of our squad members including our LT were killed in the initial skirmish with Jackson, our sergeant severely injured. I tried to get him out but…well I didn't. They executed him in front of me before taking me off to their camp, there was nothing I could do. They put me in a cell, it was dark, there were no windows, no light, no bed, nothing, and they left me there, I don't know for how long, I lost track of time. It was the first time I had been captured I had trained for it but still the fear I felt was…well I am ashamed to say it almost overwhelmed me. Finally when they did come for me they dragged me up to see their General. He wanted the details of our mission, he wanted to know how many other missions we had running and who the operatives were, he wanted to know which locals had helped us and I was not willing to tell him. He had a skilled interrogator who liked his job. First they stripped me naked then strapped me to the bones of a metal bed."
"Eliot...you don't have to do this." Nate interrupted him as he turned around to look at his Hitter.
"Then they attached some leads to that bedframe and every time I refused to answer they let the electricity flow." The pain was…well nothing like I had ever experienced. I pissed myself, and still they carried on. I told them nothing and after I don't know how long, when I had lost consciousness they carried me back to that cell." Eliot continued ignoring Nate but keeping his eyes fixed on him as he moved to the other chair and refilled his glass of whiskey. "I can't tell you how long they had me or how long it carried on for, it seemed like forever, time had no meaning the only thing that I remember is the pain, constant pain, and the hunger and thirst that consumed me when I was not being tortured. Nobody came for me I knew they wouldn't, but I still felt betrayed in a way I suppose." Eliot said closing his eyes at the memories he was allowing to resurface. "Finally one day they left me alone in that room upstairs, I was still tied to that bed but alone for the first time since being brought there, somebody had arrived in the camp and they had gone out to see him. To this day I am not sure how I got lose but I did, I collapsed and crawled to the door opening it slightly and then I saw something that hurt me even more than those beatings, starvation, dehydration, and electrocution ever could. I saw my CO in that camp talking to the man who had done this to me, had killed my squad and tortured me. I cannot tell you what that betrayal felt like because I…I still can't today tell you how I felt then. Anger drove me then pure unadulterated anger and I forced myself up, there were a couple of guns in the room and I took them, made sure they were loaded and then stepped out of that door firing. I fired indiscriminately, I didn't care who or what I was hitting, there were women in that camp, wives, and daughters of the officers but I kept firing and when the bullets ran out I found more guns and continued firing. Eventually nobody was firing back at me and I stopped. I had been hit a few times but did not even feel it, all I could feel was anger and that anger has stayed with me since then, it is what drove me since that day. That violence is what defined me. Somehow I did not hit my CO and he got me out of there. When I got home I told them about him, that he had been working with them, but they covered it up, they covered it up and did nothing about it, he was honoured and given a medal for bravery, for getting me out, for…for valour." Eliot said and the anger in his tone was palpable. "I resigned. I took jobs and I didn't care what I did, I killed, I hunted, I fought, the only thing I felt was anger. I worked for Damien Moreau and under him I did some things that I…I will never be clean of. Every time I went on a job I hoped, I prayed that it would be my last, but it never was. That was the first time I was tortured but not the last. The next time was easier for me because I didn't care, I didn't care if I lived or died, I was where you are now. Then WE did that job and you saved me, saved me from myself, from falling further than I already had. You gave me a second chance Nate you reminded me that there was good in the world and that I could do good, that I could help people, make things right for people who had nowhere to turn, make up for some of the crap I have done, atone for my sins in a way. Now I will never be clean of what I done. I will never get rid of that anger of that violence that is in me, but I have learned to control it and you can too."
"Eliot."
"I ain't finished." Eliot said picking up the bottle and topped up his glass and then Nate's. "When we met you, when we did that first job you were lost, your grief for Sam had overwhelmed you and you were trying to destroy yourself with drink. I got that, I understood that. I reacted to my trauma with violence and death and you with drink. But still you did the right thing, you did not hurt people, you helped. After that first job I knew that you needed the game and I needed you, we needed you. Parker, Hardison, we needed you to show us a different way and you did. The more jobs we did, the better I felt about myself, the more I could look at myself in the mirror again without a feeling of disgust washing over me. I know I will never be clean, but I think I can at least live with myself now. Nate, I know, I know that feeling, the feeling of anger, the feeling of hopelessness, the nightmares, the pain, the fear, I never lost that, I just learned to live with it, to control it. I did not sleep, when I said I sleep ninety minutes a day it was not a lie, but it was not by choice, it was the only way to avoid the nightmares. I never told you all but after we started working together I went to see somebody, an old buddy of mine from the rangers, he helped me, he let me talk and I did, I told him every horrible thing I had done, everything that had been done to me and it helped because I shared it and somehow…somehow by sharing it with somebody who did not condemn me, who was willing to listen, somebody who had been where I was and knew what I was feeling, someone I trusted. I am willing to listen Nate, all you have to do is talk and I will listen, let me help you like my friend helped me, like you helped me."
They sat silently drinking their whiskey with Eliot not pushing Nate to respond. Nate watched him and saw from the look on his face that revealing what he had had taken a lot out of him, it was probably the first time he had voiced it to anybody outside of the buddy he had gone to see, he had trusted him with a secret, his secret and that meant a lot. Nate contemplated what to do now, he was going to leave, leave Eliot and the others, leave Sophie because he could not see a way to stay and not bring them all down with him, to stop hurting them all. Now he did not know, Eliot was right, he had to learn to control his fears, his feelings. With Sam it was different in a way, he knew he was not responsible for his son's death, deep down he had known that. It was the shame of not being able to save him, and the anger at IYS that had driven him to drink and he thought he had not wanted to live until he had teamed up with them. Over the years he had learned to accept what had happened, he had learned to think about Sam without only thinking of the bad and that was Sophie and their doing, they had given him a second chance too. What he had done giving himself up he would do again to keep them safe, he would do anything to keep them safe, they were the most important people in his life. When he had told them they were his family he had meant every word, and it held true today as much as then. He loved Sophie, he loved her more than he had ever loved Maggie although he was slightly ashamed to admit that, and he loved them, Parker, Hardison and Eliot and he would sacrifice his life for them without hesitation as they would sacrifice theirs for him. He had to try he thought, he had to give them that even if it was going to be difficult, even if it was going to bring up memories he did not want, he had to for them, like Eliot had for him.
"When he called, when he put that feed through to me of you and them and Sophie in that room I was afraid. All I could think of was I would do anything to save you because you are my family Eliot, you and them, you mean everything to me do you understand?"
Eliot did not answer him but nodded and waited for Nate to continue.
"You were right, I did agree to everything without hesitation because I did not care what happened to me, all I cared about was ensuring your safety." Nate said closing his eyes as he remembered how he had felt seeing Sophie locked in that room not knowing if this man who was contacting him was going to kill them or hurt them and that overrode everything in his mind at that moment. "So I agreed."
Nate finished off the last of his whiskey and Eliot refilled his glass then sat back again and waited.
"I was instructed to go to the docks where I boarded a boat along with another man, somebody else he had taken. When we arrived at the island, we were met by the one called the 'Collector', we were stripped and searched, then we were read the riot act. If we tried to escape we would not only be punished but our families, you, would be killed. I didn't doubt him because he had you before and if he could do it once he could do it again, so I put all thought of escape out of my mind then and there. I didn't resist, not once. We were put in small cages, not large enough to lie down in and not high enough to sit upright in and left there for a few days with no food or water. There were others there, Peter, Stephen, and the others. Some had been there for a long time and I could see the damage, the injuries they had sustained and knew that was what was coming but I didn't care, I wasn't afraid, as long as you were all safe. Then it started."
Nate closed his eyes and drew a long deep breath the blew it out as he cast his eyes up to the ceiling.
"The first 'trial' as he called it was an old Indian detox method, or something like that from the Sioux Nation, he said he was going to help me get over my alcohol addiction." Nate said his face contorting with disgust as he spoke. "He pushed two large hooks through my chest and then hung me from the ceiling, he played music, some sort of Indian chanting and wailing which never stopped, and the room was darkened and he…I don't exactly know what, but it was hot, I was sweating hanging there the pain was…indescribable. Then the DT's started after a while and I was shaking and with every shake the hooks dug in and the pain grew worse, I threw up and nearly drown in my own vomit until one of the guards was ordered to twist me round when that happened, that dug in the hooks further, but I was beyond feeling the pain then, all I wanted was a drink. Then the hallucinations started, you, them, Sophie, Sam it all rolled into one and I…I don't know how long I hung there for. They left me there until finally the hooks broke through the skin and I dropped to the floor. Then I remember nothing until I woke up in my little cage." Nate said then he downed the rest of the whiskey and swiped the tears from his eyes and his cheeks, he had not even realised he had been crying. "It got worse from there, but I felt nothing, I didn't care anymore, the only thing I wanted was to die, I don't even remember everything else, the waterboarding, the whipping, the beatings, the knife wounds, the starvation, the sleep deprivation, it all just passed me by. Peter and I would talk at night, about our families it was the only thing that kept me sane I think. He didn't kill anybody though…"
"He didn't?" Eliot asked surprised by that statement.
"No he had the games. He would give us all a chance to escape our fates by playing."
"Russian Roulette."
"Yes. We all prayed when the games came around that we would be picked to play because it was our only possible way of escape, it was the promise of release from our suffering, it was the promise of death." Nate said and saw the look on Eliot's face at that. "Understand Eliot none of us had the luxury of dreaming of escape, escape was never an option, not if we wanted to keep our families safe, he made that clear to us. He would show us pictures of our families, recent photos, or videos to make us understand that you were all still in danger if we even considered escape, if we did not live up to the bargain."
Eliot said nothing forcing himself not to show the anger, the shame and the hurt he was feeling as Nate spoke, he could not let Nate see that he had to contain it until he was alone and then he could let those feelings out.
"Anyway, finally it was my turn, me and Peter were chosen to play each other, winner takes all." Nate smiled slightly at that memory and Eliot's face darkened again. "We had a few turns, but we were both lucky, or rather unlucky from our point of view. Then I decided there was one way to escape one way or another. Either I would be dead of the 'Collector' would be, so I talked, for the first time I talked to him and I talked him into putting five bullets into the gun. When the chamber was empty after pulling the trigger I could not believe it and then I shot him. I put a bullet right through his head. I ended him and I felt nothing, I killed him, and I felt nothing. Then all hell broke lose as the guards came in, I fired a few more shots and Peter took out one of the guards too grabbing more guns, then we released those that were still there and got the hell out of the compound to the little cave you found them in."
Silence reigned again as they both sat drinking their whiskey.
"It was all for nothing though." Nate finally said. "I mean…I mean getting them off that island." Nate said and Eliot looked at him raising an eyebrow questioningly. "I should have realised sooner…about David."
Then Eliot understood, not only was the man dealing with the trauma of what happened on the island he was blaming himself for his friend Peter and the other people he had saved on the island's deaths at the hands of the son of the 'Collector'.
"I was so absorbed in my own issues, my own self-pity I didn't even think about it until it was too late. Until Peter and the others were dead. I could have prevented that. Peter had a wife, he had children, his sons are now without their father, and the others, they also had family…I should have…I should have known, I should have realised sooner, I should have done something."
Eliot could feel his emotions rising as he listened to Nate berate himself for something that was not even his fault, he could not have known the son was as mad as the father. The damn man needed to save everybody, held himself responsible for everybody. Wasn't it enough that he had to deal with what the 'Collector' had done to him? But he said nothing allowing Nate the time he needed to talk.
"I didn't though and because of me they are dead." Nate finally said his voice full of regret and self-recrimination. "Anyway you know the rest." He said and then poured himself another drink before sitting back and closing his eyes. He was exhausted, he was emotionally drained, the memories and the truths as he saw them as he spoke them had taken everything he had in him.
Eliot did not say anything, to say anything now, to try and make him understand that what happened to Peter, and the others was not his fault would not help, Nate had let it all out, everything and that was a good thing but he could see what it had taken out of the man so he just sat silently with him. Finally Nate drifted off into sleep the emotions of the last few hours along with the amount of whiskey he had consumed taking its toll on him. Eliot put his glass down and took Nate's glass that hung precariously from his hand placing it on the table. Then he walked over to the bed and took the throw and placed it gently over the man.
"That's good Nate, that was the first step, it will get easier from here." He said to the sleeping man. "Now we stand a chance of making it through." Then he left the room leaving the door open so that he could hear if the man woke up and needed anything before heading downstairs to the anxiously waiting members of his family.
