Dijin had told me he would have loved me if he had not gotten rid of his own name on the Stone of Three Lives. It no longer matters, I am still going to be married to someone I do not love. Oh, Dijin. Didn't you know? I can't stay if you are not the one I'm married to. I ran to the old shack where I risked my life for the only love I'll ever have and put a magical shield to stop anyone from entering. I pulled out a knife, which was the sharpest one I could find in the kitchen, and prepared myself to see my ancestors. I placed it on the floor, I started writing my goodbyes.
Dear Auntie, I started, If you are reading this, then I've already left to the realm of nothingness. I leave the rule of Qing Qiu to whoever is born next in the family. I wish I could stay, but I can not live when the one by my side isn't the one I love with all my heart. Please do not blame Dijin or anyone else, this is my own choice, and nobody else is responsible for it. Thank you for treating me like a daughter, I'm sorry I have to leave you. I hope I don't hurt you too much.
I paused to wipe away my tears before continuing, Dear Mi Gu and Si Ming, the two of you were my closest friends. I wish you two would get to know each other better, I'm sure you two will get along well. Thank you, Mi Gu, for keeping my spirits high when it felt like the entire world was trying to make them hit rock bottom. I guess that's what happens when you fall in love with a rock. You were right, Si Ming, it was a hopeless case. Thank you for doing your best to stop my heart from being broken. I hope you two won't miss me too much. You have been like brothers to me.
I paused for a longer time. This last one would be the hardest to write and my family might start to notice something is wrong. Dear Dijin, I wrote, my hand starting to shake at his name, I love you more than anyone else ever will in all your life. I hope you are happy now. Nobody wants to marry someone whose love made a queen die by her own hand. Consider it my final gift to you. Not that anyone else will ever know that you loved me as much as your stone heart, if you even have a heart, that is, could possibly let you. Even though we will never marry properly I will write my vows here and die happy. This is the best I can do, I don't remember the actual thing, so bear with me, my love. My only love. I, Bai Feng Jiu, queen of Qing Qiu and niece of the Heavenly Queen, will marry Dong Hua Dijin and love him for all of eternity, through calamity and peace.
"Goodbye, Dijin," I whispered. I picked the knife back up and prepared myself for the last feeling of pain I would ever have. I let my tails come out, grabbed all nine of them, and cut them all off in one blow. Goodbye, my only love.
I was the first person to feel that something was wrong. It was in the middle of a meeting, so tongues would wag if I suddenly ran off. Everything felt off, like somebody had just turned off a light that I never even knew was on. "Dijin, is there something wrong?" Si Ming asked. He was one of the few people that could read my moods despite the stone cold mask I always kept. I shook my head and gestured for them to continue the meeting without me. Before anyone could ask any questions, I was already walking out the door. Something was very wrong, but I couldn't quite pinpoint the reason why. I went into my study and started pacing back and forth, wondering what was making me feel so much discomfort. Unable to put a rest to my worries, I visited the Mortal Realm, and went to the old shack that had far too many memories for my liking. That was when I noticed the magical barrier around it. It had to be Feng Jiu, nobody else would care about a rundown shack enough to make a magical barrier around it. The question was, why would she try to stop anyone from entering? Si Ming appeared behind me as I broke through the barrier and stated, "I humbly ask permission from Lord Dijin to go in first, we don't know who is in there." I only hesitated for a moment before nodding. Si Ming walked in, saying "I think it's safe I … Lord Dijin!" I ran in and the sight I saw was more frightening than anything I ever saw before.
"Get Ken Chang immediately!" I yelled, running over to my Jiu'er. Si Ming just stood there and shook his head. "What are you waiting for, bring Ken Chang over here!" I was crying in front of him, but he didn't mention it or even move.
"She's already dead, my lord," he mumbled, barely loud enough for me to hear. The words still felt as loud as a thousand bells ringing at once. I bent down to pick her up, and she looked so relaxed that I could have sworn she was simply sleeping. I couldn't feel her heartbeat, and her body was limp and lifeless. It was strange how peaceful she looked, like she was never a tornado of a person, lifting me off of my feet and sending my life flying away, never to be the same again. This was not my Jiu'er, this was an empty shell. I don't know how long I just sat there, holding my precious Jiu'er, the sweet, innocent flower I never deserved. Si Ming had left the shack, but I didn't care. My kind, young, Jiu'er, was gone. At some time, I fell asleep with her in my arms. This is all my fault. I couldn't even protect you from yourself. I promise not to let anyone take you away from me, for I love you more than anything else in this world. Didn't you know?
I gulped as I walked towards the Fox Den, already drafting my last words in my head. I might just be using them today. "Tell me, Star Lord. What is so important that you just came here without anyone letting you in? This is not the Celestial Palace, but we still have our rules, why are you here?" Bai Qian asked as soon as I walked up to her and the rest of Feng Jiu's family.
"Y...yes. Feng Jiu is … no longer … with us," I managed to say, "I'm … very sorry. She's … gone." All of them looked shocked.
"What do you mean, Feng Jiu is gone? What happened?" Feng Jiu's father asked urgently.
I sighed sadly and explained the best I could. "I think she cut off all her own tails. She left a letter and there was a kitchen knife lying beside her. I will take you to her." All of them followed me to where I had left the young queen and Dijin. He still hadn't moved a inch since I had left, and I could have mistook him for a statue if I didn't know better. "What have you done now, Dijin?" Bai Qian demanded, forgetting about status and regulations, "How could you let this happen?" Dijin didn't even react to her words, and I started to wonder whether he actually was able to hear anybody else anymore. He just continued to stare blankly at his only love's dead body, cradling her like there was nobody else in the world that mattered. I don't know what I expected from him, but this blank emptiness was not one of them. To be truthful, I never even expected to be in this situation in the first place, so I didn't have any expectations at all for what he would do if this happened. It hurt Dijin, even more than anything ever had, when he refused to return your love, little queen. Didn't you know?
Everything looked like shades of grey now. My only light, my only color in the dull world has faded away. I only can see her, in the same dull grey as the rest of the world. There was no color left in her anymore. My sunshine had faded away by its own fire. I think I hear voices, but why would anything else matter? The light in my dark, the warm lively flower in my stone cold existence, the bright smile that cut right through my indifferent mask was gone. My lungs might be still breathing and my heart might still be beating, but I was dead. I was as dead as I had been before I met Xiao Bai, only I could feel it now. Si Ming was right, I was truly just a rock without my little red flower, my lucky little fox. I'm sorry I couldn't save you, Xiao Bai, Jiu'er, Feng Jiu, whichever one you prefer.
"Lord Dijin," I barely heard Si Ming ask, "I found this letter from Feng Jiu, and this part is for you. What should I do with it?" I did not know what to say. I wanted to see what her last words to me were, but I didn't know if my broken heart could take another beating.
"Hand it over and leave me alone," I whispered. I could already hear the protest coming from him, even though he hadn't uttered a word. "You have no right to keep her alone here with you!" her aunt, Bai Qian, screamed, "She's dead because of you! She's dead and never going to come back because you kept on playing with her heart until she couldn't take it anymore!" Despite the rest of the Fox Clan telling her to calm down, telling her I was not my fault, she was right. It was all my fault.
"We need to take Feng Jiu's body away, Lord Dijin. She needs to be buried" Si Ming told me sadly. I shook my head, I had promised Feng Jiu to never let anyone take her away from me again, and for once I will keep to my word. "She is the queen of Qing Qiu and the niece of the current Heavenly Queen. We need to bury her, Lord Dijin," he continued. I gently put her back on the ground and pulled out my sword.
"Over my dead body!" I screamed, any form of restraint was gone. Tears were freely running down my face now, but nothing mattered anymore. What does peace even mean to me anymore? I will lay waste to the world if it means I can be with my Jiu'er again. All of them were backing away from me. Even by itself, my merciless fury was a legend. The only thing making me hesitate was the memory of Xiao Bai talking about how much she loved her family. Si Ming still had Feng Jiu's letter in his hands, and if I started fighting now, I might destroy it in my mindless rage. Taking advantage of my hesitation, the traitorous Star Lord held out the letter to me. Bai Qian, you would already be dead if your niece didn't love you so much. Didn't you know?
I have only heard the legends of the untamable rage of the former Lord of Heaven and Earth. As soon as we left the shack, Si Ming told us that we had been unbelievably lucky to survive, and he was sure we would all lose our lives by Lord Dijin's famed sword. It seemed I had all the bad luck, first my master, then my husband, and now my young niece has died. Only there is no selfless sacrifice this time. Xiao Bai had sliced off her own nine tails so that she wouldn't need to marry anyone other than someone who would never marry her. Why must people in the Fox Clan love for life? I know I am being hypocritical, but I can't help it. Feng Jiu just had to choose to love the one person who is doomed to only have ill fated romances!
Even though I had already read Feng Jiu's letter, well at least the part for me, I couldn't help but hate Lord Dijin. It's easier than hating myself for not seeing my young niece's obvious heartbreak and pain. It's easier than facing the guilt of trying to force her into a marriage she didn't want. It's easier to blame Lord Dijin than blame myself. I had to stay strong for Feng Jiu, I had to keep in one piece for her. I couldn't break, not now. Too many people relied on me for me to fall back into deep depression. All of us loved you very much, Xiao Bai. Even the citizens of Qing Qiu loved you like a part of their family. Didn't you know?
Only a week has passed since I buried Feng Jiu at the place we had first met, the forest that had changed my life. I spend all of my time here, talking more than I usually do in years. Even if she can not hear me in the Realm of Nothingness, I have been leaving letters for her here. This one will be the last one I write for her, I already promised myself that I will not write to her anymore.
Dear Jiu'er, I wrote, desperate to put my thoughts into words, I can only hope that you have been able to hear me and receive my letters. I wish I could ask you myself, but you know why that is not possible. Our romance was ill fated before it even started, but I still come back here again and again, wondering what we could have been. I wish you could know that I never regretted my choice to erase my name from the Stone of Three Lives. At least, not until I met you. You made me feel things I never expected or deserved to feel. I wish you could have stayed, but I know it would only hurt you more if you did. The only thing I can do for you now is give you the only thing you ever wanted. I, Dong Hua Dijin, first lord of Heaven and Earth and bringer of peace to the Nine Realms, will marry Bai Feng Jiu and love her for all of eternity, through calamity and peace. I only would ever do this for you. Didn't you know?
I put down the letter and closed my eyes. With every drop of courage left in my body, I turned my own powers against myself. We will meet again, my wife, my love.
