A/N

Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas!

Long ass chapter.

So god damn long.

Why? Because I am a writer with zero self-control and subsequently got too excited while writing this, threw everything in at once, and then couldn't bring myself to split it into two chapters as originally planned to fit more answers in. What should have been a transition chapter became so much more than it has any right to be.

Why am I like this?

Disclaimer: RotM is mine. Sailor Moon, not so much.


"It's not forever." Serenity reminded me soothingly.

"I know that." My tone was embarrassingly wistful as I watched Kyoto pass by through the train window. Under Serenity's amused gaze a scowl graced my expression, and I might have given her a dirty look had I been able to tear my eyes away from the window. Instead, my focus remained glued to the nighttime scenery of Kyoto, or what little I could see of it given the late hour. The recent snowfall had only served increase the city's enchantment, and now under the light of the moon and stars Kyoto was luminous; a silver city coming to life as its lights reflected off the snow.

Serenity's voice came out softer then and for a second I almost swore I felt her hand ghost over my hair in a comforting motion. "We could get off at the next station and merely return. I know you wanted to spend New Year's there; I should think a few more days wouldn't make all that much of a difference."

"No." I replied firmly, stifling any longing that might have bled into the word. I closed my eyes and took a deep, quiet breath, counting to three; I exhaled, letting go of the desires and whims Kyoto had filled me with. When I opened my eyes and looked at Serenity, my resolve was steady and unwavering. "We don't take risks."

Her brows furrowed, and with apprehension she ventured, "Are you certain that you were not perhaps overcautious in this instance?"

"Yes." It was my own damn fault really; I should have known better, should have anticipated my actions creating that outcome. Of course someone was bound to take notice of me when I continued to frequent the same neighborhood, speaking with the locals and running around at all hours; it was far too odd behavior for a girl supposedly on a family vacation. The police man that had stopped me earlier today hadn't been too suspicious, becoming more curious than anything after I'd rambled on about my excuse, but the fact that I had caught his eye had been more than enough to kick my butt into gear.

I'd stayed too long in Kyoto, and it was time to move on.

My companion sighed, dropping the subject. "Where, pray tell, is our next destination then?"

"The port city of Otaru, in Hokkaido."

I showed her where it was on the map, and she hummed. "That's pretty far."

"Japan's northernmost island, over six hundred miles from Tokyo." I pleasantly informed her. Tokyo was more or less the foundation on which I structured my traveling around; my philosophy ran somewhere along the lines of The Further Away, The Better. I wasn't sure there was even anyone out there looking for me, but the distance was doing wonders for my mental health; the breathing room it afforded was allowing me time to, well, figure my life out. The more distance between myself and Tokyo, the more time away, the better off I was or would one day be.

At least, that's what I told myself.

In reality, cutting Tokyo out of the picture hadn't helped as much as I'd previously thought it might. A small voice mused that perhaps the poison lied not in the city or the people, but in the experiences themselves; my experiences. It would mean I was the thing impeding my… recovery, and I didn't know what to think of that. If I was the poison, the salt in the wounds…

No.

It was a pointless thought, pondering over it would get me nowhere so I buried it deep and turned my attention elsewhere. The city of Otaru was supposedly lovely in wintertime; in fact, this was its busiest time of year as tourists flocked in to try the city's well known diversity of craft beer. There were only so many places worth visiting in winter, Otaru being one of them, and careful planning was allowing me to get the most out of each destination.

"Wow," Serenity mused, breaking me from my train of thought. "You sounded quite proud of yourself just then. I'd wager that you know the exact distance, don't you?"

"Shut up." It was six hundred and seventy-six miles.

Behind us, someone tsked, and as one, Serenity and I peered over our seats to see an older woman eyeing us disdainfully from two rows back; or well, eyeing me anyway. I raised brow at the woman in challenge, and with purse lips she averted her gaze, clearly scandalized by a manner-less heathen such as myself; staring was a thing in Japan, and though I knew prolonged eye contact was considered rude, I didn't really care at the moment. Save for the sleeping man four rows up, she was the only other person occupying this train car.

Serenity scrunched her nose. "What an impudent woman, listening in on others. She thinks you're crazy."

I smothered the beginnings of a laugh.

It wasn't funny, really. Of course the woman thought I was crazy, as far as she could tell I was talking to myself. Other people couldn't see Serenity; I mean, there were times, brief moments where she was around and I'd catch someone doing a double take as they passed us, or squinting in our direction, but they never seemed to actually see her. In fact, it was entirely feasible that she wasn't actually here, and that in reality I did have a few screws loose, enough to carry on a conversation with her.

It wasn't as though I had any proof to show otherwise.

Serenity wasn't always present; she sort of came and went without any indication or pattern, meaning I could never guess when she would appear next. I couldn't summon her from will either, so whether she was a sign of my own spiraling insanity or simply a byproduct of the Silver Crystal around my neck, was beyond me. I found it was just easiest to enjoy her company while it lasted and ignore whatever implications her presence might imply.

These days, I excelled at ignoring my problems. "There are far worse things than crazy. For instance, I could be a serial killer."

Serenity choked on her own laugh. "Yes, fair point. At least you have that going for you."

My lips twitched upward in the beginnings of a smile as my gaze wandered away from her. Talking with Serenity, trading banter, it was so unbelievably easy; but perhaps that simply came with the territory, so to speak. After all we'd been through together, there was no sense of obligation for pretenses or niceties, if there was something on our minds we shared it with one another honestly. Interacting with Serenity was easy, but it also ached sometimes, like putting pressure on a closing wound.

I was healing from the hellish venture behind enemy lines, and in the last few months I had grown close to Serenity, but I hadn't forgotten the wound she'd inflicted. It was still there, slowly scarring over, and like the rest of my battle scars, I was still learning how to live with it, how to be okay and move on with my life in spite of it.

But these things took time.

Serenity was both a blessing and a curse; in the same way everything else in my life seemed to be these days. From the corner of my eye, I caught her staring and turned back to give her my attention. With an expression I didn't quite understand, she moved to say something only I never got to hear it. Serenity faded out of existence once more without any sort of warning, leaving me on my own. My smile faded with her, and I drew into myself as a sigh escaped me.

Fourteen more hours to go.


I didn't sleep on the train ride to Otaru.

I never could on public transportation, my body would not allow me to.

This was possibly due to the repressed fear beaten into my brain in my youth, from the dozens of stories we all heard growing up about what happened to girls that crossed the country on their own. They were harassed, or their things were stolen, or they were mugged, or they just disappeared at a rest stop and were never heard from again. I took careful measures to combat these situations, but since theft was my biggest concern I was a little extreme in the care of my backpack.

I treated it as though it were my own child or the Holy Grail, never letting it out of sight, only taking my hands off it when necessary.

When I rode a bus or train, I did so with my bag in my lap at all times and I never left it wherever I was staying if I intended on going out; I slept with my backpack, and even brought it into the bathroom with me when I needed to shower, just in case. If I was out in public eating, and I didn't want it in my lap, it went to the floor at my feet and I kept an ankle twisted through the straps.

If someone wanted to steal that bag they would be taking me with them.

It was always within arm's reach because this life had ingrained paranoia in me, and I knew better now than to tempt fate. I had a set amount of cash set out for three days in my wallet, and kept the rest hidden on my person just in case. It wasn't particularly comfortable to walk around with money stuffed in my socks and bra, lining the bottom of my shoes, but it was the price I paid for security. I kept the smaller bills and change on the inside breast pocket of my coat, as I couldn't fit it all safely on my immediate person, and guarded the larger bills closely.

In the event that by some twist of fate I was mugged, or my bag stolen, not all would be lost.

But I digress.

Sleeping in public just felt like asking for something bad to happen, and so no matter how long the journey was, my body wouldn't settle enough to doze until it knew I was relatively safe. I was running on empty when I finally made it to Otaru and found a place to stay in for the next few days. The room I paid for was small, but it was also cheap and to be fair I didn't take up much space. My next movements were those of one doing a menial task, repetitive to the point where no thought was required as I locked the door behind me, propped a chair under the knob, closed the blinds and curtains of the window, and fell onto the bed with my bag beside me.

I stared up at the ceiling, breathing in stale air and listening to the silence.

I was too tired to get up and explore the town, but not tired enough to fall sleep, leaving me with little else to do but stare off into space. It was during times such as these where, at the mercy of my musings, intrusive thoughts began to worm their way into my head. Unwanted and inescapable, they forced upon me a bitter truth for what felt like the hundredth time; I liked traveling, learning new things and gaining once in a lifetime experiences, seeing views that took my breath away, making memories I would never forget. I loved it, loved what my travels had given me, and I didn't regret this adventure in the slightest, because it was probably what I 'd needed.

But, I was lonely.

Serenity was around to accompany me, but only rarely and always either a ghost or a figment of my imagination. We had grown close, and she was one of the few people I truly care for, but… it just wasn't the same. I missed Matsuo; I missed wandering the streets with him and talking for hours on end, bumping each other's hips at work and poking fun at our costumes, practicing aikido and endlessly trying to one up the other.

I missed our homework sessions, decorating the Fabler together, making each other laugh. How swiftly Matsuo could pull me from the darker corners of my mind with a comment or a joke, especially when I was at one of my lows. A person that was so easy going and willing to jump headfirst into my problems without second thought; and to think someone as twisted as I clicked so effortlessly with such a cheerful idiot like him. It baffled even me, and I was the selfish, paranoia driven girl with said cheerful idiot of a best friend.

I missed him.

More than anything, I missed the best friend I hadn't had for weeks prior to my kidnapping. I mourned the loss of a friendship I had allowed to slip through my fingers long before I had left Tokyo behind, of a distance I had done nothing to stop. I ached for something that was no longer in my reach, and learning to live without it was painful, especially in moments like these. I'd said it a million times before, and now I was going to say it again:

Free time and I did not go well together.

There was no more scheming to be done, no more strategizing, or recon, or improvising. For five whole months my life had consisted of nothing but these things, and now that the war was over and won, now that my role had been fulfilled, that part of my life was obsolete. The person I'd become in order to survive in this world, she had been necessary until the Dim Dynasty had fallen. Now… I couldn't change who I was, couldn't just turn it off or put it on mute. I had all this time on my hands and no way to distract myself from the inner workings of my own mind.

Nothing to distract me from the things I'd rather not face.

I'd let Matsuo go without a fight, and now I had to learn how to live without his companionship. I had to learn how to keep my head above water now that he wasn't here to do it for me, and it was a serious challenge. I'd been too dependent on him, too used to having him around to raise me back up from my lows and distract me from my other distractions. Scheming and planning had filled the silence, had kept me moving forward toward my goal, and Matsuo had distracted me from the little voids that popped up in between the scheming and planning and action.

With no Matsuo, and no scheming, I was at a loss.

My goals had been more or less accomplished, meaning the wind had been taken out of my sails. I was still paranoid, yes, but I was no longer fighting tooth and nail for my survival. It was oddly similar to losing a limb; right now these were my lowest points, and I had to learn how to carry on with my life. Beryl and Metaria had been the big bad threats, the hardest to overcome because they'd had an army at their disposal. Now that they were gone, the Sailor Scouts and the Generals should be equipped to take on whatever came Tokyo's way next.

There was nothing left for me to do but put myself back together, which was easier said than done.

I spent the entirety of that day shut in my room, curtains drawn tight and chair tucked firmly against the door. As the sun carved its way across the sky and over the horizon, I listened to every creak, every noise from the rooms around me. The places I stayed in were never high quality; they were the kinds of inns and motels where no one asked any questions so long as you could pay. When night came and I grew used to the sounds around me, my body finally allowed itself to sleep, albeit lightly; any noise that was too loud woke me with a start as I accustomed myself to this new room.

The next morning, because old habits die hard, I was up with the rising sun.

As I wandered the streets of Otaru, my mood skyrocketed with a sense of smug satisfaction. While not breathtaking as Kyoto had been, the port city of Otaru was a beauty in its own right, and unlike anything I had seen in this country to date. It was a strange mix of western and Asian culture; all the signs were in Japanese, and yet the city starkly hinted at European influence, with its canal and the Victorian-style street lamps lining the sidewalks on either side of it.

The buildings themselves were a mixture as well; I ran across a catholic church at one point, to my surprise, and it really highlighted the difference between the two influences I saw here. Western architecture, or what pitifully little I actually knew of it, was… gothic. Gargoyles, columns, steep windows, towering structures, etc. Japan, from what I had seen, had a more… imperial, feel, I suppose. Swooping roofs, tall archways, gold or red embellishments, you get the point. Both had their appeals, but seeing them together like this, under a few layers of freshly fallen snow, was oddly charming, and otherworldly.

A winter wonderland, as the expression goes.

That day, it came to my attention that many of the visiting tourists were from other countries. They spoke Russian, another language I couldn't identify, and to my excitement, English. It had been so long since I'd heard my mother tongue spoken so fluently that I found myself entranced by the very sound. Shamelessly, I listened in on conversations for days, soaking in the words; part of me wanted to approach them, any of them, and let the English flow through my lips but I could never summon the courage to do so.

It felt like a forbidden language, one I had no right to speak.

Like many other things, it was a part of another girl who had lived and died, her time long passed. So I listened, reveled in the mundane conversations, and for a little while I could pretend I was someone else entirely; not Usagi, or the girl before her, but a new person with a fresh start. For once, I found myself visiting tourist traps, every single one this city had to offer for the mere chance of eavesdropping. That was how I spent the days leading up to New Year's Eve; day dreaming of a different life and listening in on others as they went about their normal lives.

Of course, my enjoyment didn't last.

It was just after the clock struck midnight, and the world took its first step into 1993, that the universe decided to shake things up a bit.

And, I felt that it went without saying, not for the better.


I had spotted her a block away.

Partially because my long standing paranoia dictated I observe those in my immediate vicinity, and partially because people watching now came so naturally to me, that it was difficult not to look. Plus, the pink hair spilling out from under her hat had made it difficult to not notice her in the first place, especially on a less populated street such as this one. She was a little girl, perhaps six or seven years old, and I couldn't help but notice that her parents didn't appear to be in sight. In my mind, I'd sort of shrugged it off as they could have been inside one of the shops, or she could have just wandered away on her own.

It was late, already midnight, but today also happened to be a holiday infamous for keeping people out until dawn. The little girl stood on the corner of the sidewalk where the streets intersected, hands gripping the straps of her backpack; she glanced down all four directions curiously, clearly waiting for someone but not in distress. I dismissed her just as quickly as I had taken notice of her and continued on my way down the street. The city was lively, and though I knew there would be no peace to be found in the place I was staying at I wanted to return to my room anyway.

The port city of Otaru was sadly known for its beer, and I had encountered more drunk, lecherous men than I'd ever thought I'd have occasion to.

Enough to last me a lifetime, at any rate.

The girl had her back to me as I leisurely passed behind her and turned the corner, following the familiar route that took me closer to bed with every step. Again, my gaze swept through the road, taking in the handful of people, assessing, and then one by one dismissing. It was instinct, the way my eyes trained on the man in the shadows, slouched against the alleyway wall; I always walked close to the roads, hugging the street in darker parts on the sidewalk to avoid alcoves like that, but one could never be too careful.

My eyes locked on him, and I assessed.

Cigarette in the mouth, collar turned up against the wind, and cheeks slightly flushed; not from alcohol though, because this man showed no signs of intoxication. He leaned against the wall, yes, but his feet were firmly planted, posture alert, and, most importantly, his gaze was unwavering, focused, meaning he was of clear mind. Oddly enough, though I stared openly, he never appeared to sense it; the man's attention was… poised, on something else behind me. As I passed him, I followed his line of sight out of curiosity, slowing down so as to not trip over my feet as I peered over my shoulder.

I followed his gaze… right to the little girl.

Something in me seemed to sort of freeze then, and I found myself pausing in uncertainty. I glanced back to the man, and then past the girl, but the only thing beyond her was the canal.

Still, surely…

I bent down on one knee next to the street lamp, retying the laces on my shoes. I repeated the process about four more times, waiting for the girl to find whoever it was she was looking for, or for her parents to come pick her up at the very least. She checked the watch at her wrist, and began bouncing lightly on the balls of her feet as though impatient, or excited. No one came. This part of the street wasn't nearly as crowded, but given the holiday there were more than enough civilians flouncing about.

It was a public place, so she'd probably be fine.

I waited another minute, internally arguing with myself; Otaru wasn't like Tokyo, it didn't have a high crime rate, I was being silly as usual and seeing worst possible scenarios where there weren't any. Just as I reluctantly began to turn my back on the little girl, the man skulked out of his hiding spot, moving toward her.

I tensed.

Come on kid, where are your parents? I pleaded for them to pop up, whisk her away back to their home or wherever they were staying; an uncle, a grandparent, anyone would work.

Still, no one came.

He approached her and began speaking, a kind smile on his face; the little girl went rigid, shaking her head in reply. Ever so slightly, she shrank away from his proffered hand, gaze wide; no doubt she could sense something not right with him, but as a child what defenses did she have at her disposal to ward him off? As she put on a show of childlike bluster, I hurriedly scanned the few people around us to see that none of them paid either one of the two any mind.

Not even a second glance.

The man's smile strained at the corners in reaction to whatever she spouted in her attempt at bravado; the child faltered, having observed this as well.

Up close, I noted he had a silver crown in one of his teeth.

His head cracked against the lamppost when I accidentally stumbled into him, palm out. By mistake, my fingers became tangled in the fabric of his shirt, pulling him forward where his face became acquainted with my left hook as my other hand slipped. As the force knocked him to his knees, my foot connected with his manhood on pure coincidence. With tears streaming down his face and blood dripping from his mouth, the man looked up at me.

Hand to my cheek, I laughed daintily, giving my most charming smile. "Oh dear. Now I'll have to soak my hands in bleach to get all of the filth off them. For future reference, I would recommend never coming within fifteen feet of another child again, Mr.." I bent down and retrieved the man's wallet, grinding the hand that rose to stop me into the ground as I did so. I plucked his ID and discarded the wallet, reading off his name and address. "Yamada-san. I'm sure you've learned a valuable lesson here, but, just in case I think I'll keep this ID of yours. Insurance, you understand."

My foot relented on his hand, and Yamada had the good sense to scuttle away under my gaze. I turned to the little girl and her eyes –startlingly red – were wide as saucers as she stared up at me. Only then did it occur to me that such violence had probably done little to assure the child she was now safe. I crouched down to eye level and softened my features into a more friendly appearance. "Are you okay?"

She just stared.

Crap. I'd really scared her, hadn't I? "Um, are your parents nearby? Do you need help finding them?"

"I.." The little girl blinked, and her hand drifted up to grasp the sleeve of my coat. She was clearly in shock, and in an attempt to comfort her my own hand went out as though to pat her head. Only, it never made contact because as I continued to examine at her, a thrill went up my spine; there was something… wrong with this child, something that made me pause and had my hand pulling back. Her gaze flickered, darting past my right; on instinct I jerked away from her and spun, scrutinizing the area her gaze had fallen to.

Nothing.

When my gaze landed on her once more, it was not nearly so kind; she flinched, and paranoia won over any sympathy I might have felt in that moment. "Go home kid, alright? Your parents are probably looking for you."

I pivoted on my heel and left her, walking in the direction I had originally come from. Her calls for me to wait were ignored as I joined the busier road and melted into the crowd. I threw my hood up and allowed myself to be swallowed by the masses, following the flow of everyone else. I'd take the long way around, or maybe find a different place to stay for the night all together; after all, I had all of my things in the bag on my back, so there wasn't anything that had been left behind. A shiver swept through me, the knowledge that, while I could pinpoint it, there had definitely been something off about that girl.

I wouldn't return to my room tonight; in fact, maybe it would be best to catch the train tomorrow morning, just to be safe. This city had nothing left to offer me anyway, so I wouldn't be missing much by cutting this trip short.

What harm was there in being cautious?


Sleep was not forthcoming that night.

I was restless, eager to depart from this city, but I forced myself to wait until ten before leaving. Around this time the streets were alive and I could easily pass for yet another face among the crowd. I made only one stop before the train station, at a small shop I had hovered near for the past few days since coming here. Otaru was known for three things; beer, studio glass, and its handcrafted music boxes.

A while back, I had stumbled across a music box that I had liked during my browsing of said shop. It was pretty, made of dark wood with a flower carved into the top, but that wasn't what had caught my attention; it had been the melody inside, sweet and vaguely familiar. The label had only listed the price, not the song itself, and the employee working there hadn't been able to tell me the name of it either. Even so, the melody was soothing, and I'd been debating over buying it ever since.

I didn't need a music box, it was bulky and took up room; a key chain or a postcard would have been a far more practical souvenir. My sudden departure had made the choice for me though, and I was there to give into the whim.

And of course, because I wanted it so badly, it wasn't there when I entered to buy it.

"Someone came in and purchased it yesterday after you left." The attendant explained to me sympathetically. I gritted my teeth and thanked her for her time before leaving the shop behind. I kept my head down during my trek to the train station, keeping a sedate pace; I didn't know why that child spooked me as much as she did, but… every instinct in me screamed caution, and if I trusted in anything it was my natural inclination to self-preservation.

Though I knew it would be in vain, I found part of me wishing for Serenity to appear, going so far as to call out for her. I felt I needed a second opinion on the matter of the little girl, a fresh set of eyes; Serenity wasn't burdened by the same feelings as myself, and having remained untainted by paranoia and cynicism meant she proved an outlook I might otherwise miss. As expected, there was no answer from her because that just wasn't how these things worked.

It would have been too easy.

Serenity had really done a number on me when she had betrayed me by taking my trust and twisting it to meet her own ends. She'd hurt me so much…and yet she was also the person slowly helping me heal. Despite the turmoil that so often accompanied my thoughts around her, I desperately needed Serenity. Right now, I needed her to tell me that I was being silly, overly sensitive; that there was nothing off about that little girl other than the clear neglect on her parents' behalf. It wouldn't stop me from hopping on a train but it'd go a long way to making me feel better.

If only she'd come.

I arrived at the Otaru Train Station to find it was packed with people and, after a horrendously long wait line, I bought a ticket for the next southbound train; the attendant informed me that the wait would be little over an hour, and so I picked a bench outside of the station where it was far less crowded and settled in. It was chilly outside, but I suffered through the cold in exchange for the mobility. I felt… safer, I supposed, out here; it wasn't as crammed, and the open space made me feel less caged in.

Cold air bit into my cheeks, and under the coat hood I tugged the hat I wore down over my ears to better shield them from the winter weather.

It had become a kneejerk reaction, an obsessive habit of mine. I'd learned that when my ears grew too cold… well, it had a rather unpleasant, almost violent effect on me. I'd get overwhelmingly nauseous, shaky, and my throat would sort of close up; sometimes it was splitting headaches as well, or an odd sense of dread that would freeze me in place. After making myself physically sick a few times while trying to overcome the issue, I'd simply decided to let it go and do whatever I had to on order to not let it affect my life and my travels.

If I could maintain some control over it, then it wasn't something to stress over.

I was in the midst of people watching when, from the corner of my eye, someone seated themselves in the empty space at my side. I tilted my head and gave the man a cursory glance out of reflex; however, the moment our eyes met I stilled, suddenly breathless.

I hardly recognized him.

"You look like hell, Usagi-chan." Matsuo said by way of greeting. There were two Styrofoam cups in his hands, steam rising from the lid; he held one out to me, smiling wanly. "Hot chocolate with extra extra whip cream, just the way you like it."

He all but shoved it into my hands, and I took it without thought.

"Wha…" I fumbled for words as a swell of emotions rose within me. I didn't know what to feel; god how I had missed him, and now that he was here I wanted to wrap my arms around him or perhaps run away, because I didn't think I was ready for this. I also might have wanted to cry, because somehow seeing him here in front of me after so long hurt. Matsuo seemed to understand what I had been trying to say, and he took pity on me.

"I'm here for you, of course. Always." His tone strained on that last word, and he cleared his throat, glancing away. I didn't really understand, couldn't find a response because his sudden appearance had stunned me into the realms of stupidity and so we sat in silence for a moment. Matsuo sipped his own drink and, after a long moment, added, "You seem tired."

"…So do you." Upon further scrutinizing, Matsuo looked a little worse for wear as well. His hair had grown, untamed waves sweeping far past his ears, now a few inches shy of chin length. He hadn't shaved in a while either, currently sporting a five o'clock shadow that, combined with the weariness lining his expression, made him appear much older than eighteen.

Matsuo ran a gloved hand down his face. "Yeah, well, a lot's happened."

My gaze fell away from him, going upward to the clouded sky as a hum escaped me. "I suppose that's fair. It's… been a while, hasn't it?" I was grasping for words now, for anything to say because it had been so long since I had spoken to someone that knew me this intimately, someone that wasn't a ghost and had no quarries with me.

"Eleven weeks and four days." He remarked. "Happy New Year, by the way. You disappear for over eleven weeks, and I only receive four letters. Four half-baked letters, and not a single one explaining anything. Not a single apology."

I watched him, silenced by guilt, and possibly even shame.

"Do you remember, the promise you made to me before we found ourselves wrapped up in this supernatural craze? Maybe not, but I remember, Usagi. During those first few hours when you were nowhere to be found, I'd been convinced you were still in the city, that you just needed time to yourself. I defended you when the others said you'd run away, had told them with absolute certainty that you wouldn't do that." He laughed, raking a hand through his hair. His next words were laced with pain, barely a whisper. "You do that to me, wouldn't leave without a goodbye."

"You don't understand." I choked out. "I- that place, you don't know what it was like. It took everything I had to get out of there, to keep going, the things I sacrificed; for just one more chance, just to make it back home to-"

To him.

My jaw clenched, and I squeezed my eyes shut, resisting the urge to press the palms of my hands to them. It took a moment to get the next words out, and I forced them because I wanted him to understand; even if it had been months, and we weren't what we had once been, I wanted him to understand because Matsuo would always mean the world to me, no matter what. "When it was over I couldn't even be happy. I have survived this world only by way of the selfish choices I've made, the merciless things I've done. Survival comes at a price, always, and I just- I needed to get away, to breathe."

I needed to cope.

Countless people continued to wither away in hospitals around Tokyo because I hadn't tried to save any of them; they stayed there because I still valued my safety over the risk it would be to heal them and draw attention to Sailor Moon, the Sailor Scout no one knew of. Naru's mother was one of those people, and god, Naru. I had allowed her to be a decoy because it suited my interests, provided me more time to set my plans into motion. How had that ended for her?

What damaged had she received, thinking the Sailor Scouts were her friends only to find out that they'd had ulterior motives this whole time, that I'd had ulterior motives? And I wasn't there to explain anything to her, I'd just up and left after returning from a kidnapping that had turned her world upside down. If she knew I'd had the power to heal her mother this whole time and had neglected to do so… Naru had undoubtedly suffered greatly by my hand. Not to mention the Sailor Scouts, and Mamoru; Minako had learned I'd been lying about Naru, so surely they all knew by now.

We'd been on shaky terms at best before this; I had lied on numerous occasions and had been keeping information from them since the very beginning.

I couldn't imagine what they would all be feeling now.

This world had twisted me into something I didn't recognize; I had done horrible things, and whether or not I regretted the pain I had caused, it didn't matter because in all honesty, I would do it all again. I'd do everything again if it meant living, and the problem was that this relentless part of me was no longer necessary, no longer needed in order to survive, and I couldn't stop being her.

I was still trying to cope, and I didn't know how to make Matsuo understand that.

Who was Usagi, now that she had no cause, nothing to strive towards? Who was I, now that my enemy no longer existed? I didn't know what to do with myself, how to be normal or content with an average life. To walk into hell and return to mundane everyday life, it just wasn't possible. I didn't want to fight monsters day in and day out, didn't want to live in constant paranoia and fear; it wasn't the life I wanted, but after having lived it for so long I knew nothing else.

"I never meant to hurt you." The words I'm sorry wouldn't come though, and I didn't force them; it was an apology that would have fallen short, an insult he did not deserve. To be a part in having caused him any sort of pain was something I had never wanted, and yet I'd done it. All he had asked of me had been to not disappear without telling him first; it was such a simple request, and yet I hadn't given him a single thought when I'd left, hadn't stopped to consider his feelings. Leaving had been a decision based solely on myself and what I thought I had needed most then and there.

Matsuo was silent, and after a pause I forced myself to look his way. He was gazing at me, probably had been the entire time; our eyes met, and his lips parted. Matsuo leaned towards me and, in a rush, said, "Come home Usagi. Please. Come home with me."

Subconsciously, I had known it was coming, and yet somehow the words still managed to surprise me. I replied thoughtlessly, "Why?"

Then it was his turn to appear stunned.

It was a genuine question on my end though; why should I go back, what was even left for me there? Past the Spooky Kingdom, my memory was hazy on the events to come, but even so I knew that there would be something next. There would always be a big bad coming for Tokyo, or the Silver Crystal, or the Sailor Scouts. Now that the Silver Crystal was no longer within me but in a physical form, it was more vulnerable than ever, and if nothing else, I still had an obligation to keep it safe from the power hungry.

Tokyo was the opposite of safe.

Matsuo struggled, for an answer or perhaps the right words. In the end, it made little difference though; I had no reason to go back, nothing worth the risk and probable pain that would no doubt find me there. Besides, what would I even do? Go back to living in the Tsukino residence, with the family of the girl whose life I had stolen? Go back to middle school, and… then what? What was the point in High school, or college, when I didn't see much of a future for myself career-wise? Homework in a desk and then paperwork in a cubical, answering phones, working five days a week; that was what normal people did, that was the way their life went.

I didn't think I could be that person anymore.

"I'm not going back."

"Why?"

"Because," a sad half smile graced my lips. "I can't play pretend anymore. I can't go back to that house, or to school; ordinary life is something I'll never be able to return to. Maybe I look like shit right now, but I'm not forcing myself to do anything, to be anything. Everything I do now is exactly what I want to; not because I have to, or because my continued existence is on the line. So unless you have some magical ace up your sleeve that could change my mind, the answer is no."

I swallowed the offer on the tip of my tongue, for him to come with me.

I already knew his answer.

"I-" He cut himself off, expression twisting in a way that somehow hurt. Matsuo stared at me, contemplating; then, without warning, he stood and smiled. There was no cheerfulness in it though, and that also hurt to see. "I guess that's it then, huh?"

Why… why was Matsuo giving in so easy?

He was going to leave without even putting up a fight after coming all this way to see me; it wasn't right, that wasn't like him. Matsuo was always up for a fight, whether it came in the form of a spirited debate, a slow, long term refute, or even a physical altercation. Giving in went against his nature, it went against Hajime-sensei's lessons; this wasn't him taking a step back and letting go, no, he was giving up.

He's leaving, A voice in my head supplied. Panic grasped me then, and I found myself lurching to my feet and catching his sleeve before he could fully turn away from me.

"Five." I blurted out. Oddly enough, even I found myself confounded by the sudden word and it was me that had all of the context here. Matsuo furrowed his brows, and I stuffed down my sense of sheer stupidity, elaborating, "I sent another letter a few days ago, but I guess you haven't gotten it yet... It's probably waiting for you at the Fabler."

I shrugged under the stare Matsuo aimed at me.

His expression softened. I, being the sad excuse that I was, soaked in the look; I was in the process of committing this new Matsuo to memory when something behind me caught his attention, and his eyes widened minutely. I caught the miniscule shake of his head and before I could think better of it I peered over my shoulder. There, just a dozen feet away, was a determined looking Mamoru, and for a millisecond I noted the tiny differences in him; no glasses today, nothing to hide the fresh sadness in his gaze or how tired he similarly appeared.

At his side was the little girl from last night, the one that had set off my alarms, and as my mind registered the details, all air left my lungs. There was no hat on her this time, and the pink, odango styled hair was displayed proudly as she clung to Mamoru, staring up at me.

It wasn't possible.

There was simply no way, and yet there she stood before me.

Serenity's daughter.


The train ride back to Tokyo was ten hours.

It was spent in near total silence. I sat as far from the child as I could, all but shoved against the window, cheek supported by a fist and gaze locked on the passing scenery. To my left, Matsuo mirrored my slouched position, strangely content as opposed to the other two; across from us, Mamoru and the girl were strung tight. The air was strained, sharp with the taste of anticipation and, perhaps even unease.

I had an inkling of why, but I didn't particularly care.

After taking one look at the daughter that shouldn't exist, I had agreed to return without further discussion. My expression must have been something to behold, because one look at it and whatever question Mamoru had been in the midst of asking suddenly died on his tongue. It was good that none of them bothered me with questions, as I wasn't up to answering or making any conversation. I had one goal here, and it was to find out how exactly the child of Neo Queen Serenity and King Endymion could possibly exist after my interference in this world, because by all rights she had no place in this timeline.

The possible threat needed to be assessed.

Setting the child's genetics aside, if she truly was from the future then there was no telling what she knew of me, or what she might have let slip to the Sailor Scouts. At this point, I very much doubted they would accept me as their Moon Princess after all I'd done; still, I would prefer to know just what exactly everyone else had learned. I didn't like not knowing, and moreover, I couldn't sit still with the knowledge of this grandiose mystery hovering at the back of my mind. Remaining in the dark wasn't an option; I knew better than anyone the power of information to make or break you.

There was a part of me that wanted this girl gone; it was a terrible thing that had clawed its way back to the surface of my mind after having been buried for so long, and it craved to eliminate the threat before it could do me any harm. There was one thing that frightened me, the driving force behind my easy acceptance to return. Above all else I had to know whether my secret was safe, or if this child knew the truth of me. The fear that she might cut deep; there was no telling what lengths I would go to in order to assure my secret was never found out.

For reasons I couldn't explain, the mere thought of being outed was unbearable.

During the ten hour ride, I only moved from my position once, soon after our train entered Tokyo and neared the Minato ward. I straightened and sat upright, eyes narrowing as a familiar feeling presented itself to me; an aura of hostility, so faint that anyone less cynical, anyone less prone to paranoia, would have missed it entirely. My gaze traveled to Mamoru, and I couldn't help the dangerous tilt of my tone- I felt dangerous- as I slowly inquired, "What, is that."

His eyes, intense as always, stared back at me with a knowing glint, but after a few seconds he averted his gaze. I refrained from frowning; there was something rather… avoidant about his action just then. My mind thought back to the silent trip, the way he dropped his question upon meeting my gaze; it struck me as odd, but before I could think further on it, Mamoru was answering. "It's a long story. We should meet up with the others before getting into it though; it'll be easier that way."

I turned back to the window. "As you wish."

Eventually the train pulled up to the station, and we filed off with Mamoru leading the way. Matsuo walked close at my side, and before I knew it we were moving in sync as though months hadn't passed and we hadn't been changed by the time away. I snuck a glance his way when I thought he wasn't looking, mind caught on our earlier conversation. This was a big deal, a time traveling child from the distant future was exactly the kind of thing Matsuo could have used to get me to return with him. Yet, when the opportunity presented itself, he hadn't risen to the occasion and I couldn't understand why that was.

It was an advantage I wouldn't have let go to waste.

Perhaps he didn't know; I scrapped the idea immediately, because of course he had known. Matsuo had known… and he had just given up on bringing me back after a few minutes of conversation. Mamoru seemed a bit off as well, and I couldn't decide if these oddities could be chalked up to the time gap, or if there was something else to it. In less than a year I had become a completely different person, so I understood how drastic a person could be changed if given time and incentive.

Something about this just didn't sit right with me.

Matsuo caught me peeking about two seconds into the action, and his lips curled in the beginnings of a smile as he drank me in. Suddenly, that glimmer of warmth that'd been missing all day was back, making the brown eyes staring back at me twinkle blithely. I was probably an absolute fool, but somehow, I just didn't believe that Matsuo would lead me into danger; if something was wrong, it probably had more to do with the child and less with me. I huffed and looked away to break our stare, musings trailing off.

There was no understanding the unfathomably effervescent.

Outside of the station Mamoru hailed us a cab, and we squeezed in as he rambled off an address. The cabbie dropped us off in the familiar warehouse district, and we walked about three more blocks before stopping at a building. I recalled then what Matsuo had mentioned months back, and with great reluctance I followed the trio into Sailor Scout headquarters, pausing only once to take in the dilapidated building before entering.

The moment I crossed through the doorway, I felt the weight of stares.

Sheer willpower was all that allowed me to maintain my undaunted façade. Outwardly, my muscles were relaxed, posture poised and expression neutral; inwardly, I was buzzing with awareness, adrenaline pumping through my veins and heartbeat doubling because coming in here was akin to swimming in shark infested waters. The Sailor Scouts would be angry with me, Minako was undoubtedly furious with me for skipping town and taking my knowledge of the Moon Princess with me. The brooch weighed heavily against my top, a stark reminder that I would be ready if it came to blows.

Ignoring the burning gazes, I took a moment to get a good first look at the warehouse.

Loathe as I was to admit it, I found myself rather impressed.

Upon entering, the first thing that stood out was the large, wooden table that sat towards the center of the room. It looked thick and heavy, the type of furniture that belonged in the 1800's, at the Buckingham Palace or the White House with a sign clearly stating do not touch. The twelve chairs surrounding it were cut from the same wood, with maroon cushioning that matched the enormous rug spread out beneath it. Past the war table, someone had turned about fifteen feet of wall into the world's biggest corkboard; there were papers and pictures and the like pinned to it, but from across the room I couldn't make out much more.

To the right of the corkboard there was about five feet of ordinary, white wall and after that a large, rolling chalk board took up another ten feet. There wasn't room from much else on that side of the open space because to the right of that, two closed off rooms spanned the remaining length of the opposite wall. Someone had shoved a couple of desks together in the lower right corner, below the closed off rooms, though they looked hardly used and half forgotten.

The upper left corner of the warehouse had been sectioned off with cubicle walls, and I spotted a fridge peaking over the top. To the left of that a set of industrial stairs led upwards, and then another sectioned off area made up the corner to my immediate left. I considered the light beige color of the cement floor –free of scuff marks, peeling, or scratches- and then the clean, bright walls; both were freshly painted. The furniture all looked new, the air was fresh with the scent of the various potted plants scattered about the place, and there didn't seem to be a speck of dust in sight.

Someone had gone to great, expensive lengths for this place.

I put a pin in that thought as Minako stepped forward from the table, clearing her throat. "I'm glad you decided to join us, Usagi. You have questions, I'm sure, so let's get to it, shall we?"

It was surprisingly cordial of her.

As the others gathered at the table and took their seats, I spotted a familiar head of red hair and somehow managed not to falter. Naru selected a seat next to Ami, at the far end of the table; she kept her gaze to the right of me, not quite focusing on my form. I found my way to the opposite end of the table from Minako, more out of habit than anything. Matsuo seated himself to my left, and Mamoru brought the abomination with him to the chair at my right. The generals filled up my end of the table, and once everyone was seated, my gaze found Minako expectantly.

"Welcome," She murmured, "To the Order of Elysion."


A weighed pause filled the air, a clear moment where a response of some kind was expected, as though those words were supposed to have some bearing on me. I hadn't the faintest clue what she was talking about, or why she was acting so polite.

I hummed noncommittedly.

After an awkward second, Minako continued. "We appreciate you coming here today. On behalf of the Order, I'd-"

"I didn't tell her about the Order yet." Matsuo interrupted.

Her brows furrowed. "Alright then. Well, I'm sure this leap of faith was difficul-"

"Didn't mention that either." Matsuo paused, and then added, "Actually, I didn't tell Usagi-chan anything. She agreed to return without having to resort to any of that."

Mamoru shot him a displeased look. "What he means to say is that he was going to allow her to leave without trying to persuade her. I was forced to step in."

Minako gave Matsuo a withering glare then, to which he remained unfazed by as she asked, "How much does she know then?"

Apparently, not nearly enough if I was having this much trouble keeping up with the conversation. The Order of Elysion, what in god's name was that supposed to be? I racked my brain, trying to recall whether it was something that had slipped past me but the name wasn't familiar.

Mamoru faltered, intense gaze falling onto me as he quietly answered, "Nothing. Usagi… Well, she looked at little Usagi and said she'd return with us."

Silence descended upon the room.

Everyone appeared taken aback by this piece of news, and Artemis padded forward, eyeing me warily. "Would you care to explain yourself, Usagi-san?"

If I could predict where this madness was going, navigating it would be so much easier. As it was, I was in no way prepared for whatever was going on; when in doubt, I fell back on the only skill I could trust- the ability to lie through my teeth. My expression was frosty as the retort slipped effortlessly past my lips. "I know a fellow descendant of the Moon Kingdom when I see one, cat. What I want to know is how she could possibly exist and where she's been all this time because, if you recall, the Silver Millennium fell long ago when those of the Moon Kingdom lost their lives. No one else should have made it out alive."

I narrowed my eyes on the child. "How certain are you that this isn't a trap of some kind?"

Minako seemed to hear my unspoken words. Why is she not a threat?

"She appeared on the night you left." Minako explained. "She was the one that alerted us to your disappearance to begin with, and since then Usa-chan has more than proved her worth. Finding you, specifically on New Year's Eve in the exact place she said you would be; it has sealed the truth of her words. It's hard to understand when you don't have all of the information, but we do. After everything Usa-chan's told us, I truly do believe she's genuine in her intentions."

As if that should somehow come as a relief.

If anything, I was more unsettled now than before; why was she trying so hard to reassure me, to convince me when none of them owed me any such thing?

"Is that so?" I turned to the Sailor Scout, smile sharp. "Then tell me, Minako; what merit do your words regarding the girl truly have, given the current state of things?"

Her brow crinkled in confusion. "I'm afraid I don't understand-"

"Did you think I wouldn't notice?" My tone was far from kind. I leaned back into my seat, head high, and raised a brow. "The city reeks, and as Mamoru can attest it was brought to my attention the moment our train entered Tokyo. Apparently the Sailor Scouts are getting lax in their duties; you've been letting things slip, Minako."

There was no mistaking my words for anything other than what they were- a purposeful, direct insult to the very source of her pride. It was obvious that I had missed a few things in my time away; I genuinely wanted to know what that foreboding presence was, how much the scouts knew, what the hell the Order of Elysion was supposed to be, and where Rini had spawned from. I wanted answers to all these things, but they would have to wait because by now my instincts were screaming, and they needed to be sated.

Something was very wrong here.

Minako should have been angrier with me or at least annoyed; the scouts should have been more upset with me, and yet not a single dirty or displeased look had been sent my way. Not one. Minako was being too kind with me, Mamoru was being evasive, and Matsuo had sat on a train for ten hours just to give up the first time I declined his plea. Naru appeared to be the only person truly put off by me, and she couldn't even look me in the eye. No one was treating me poorly, and I wasn't receiving any sort of lecture.

This entire scenario was off.

So I waited, watching for Minako's reaction to the test I'd set out.

She didn't take the bait.

Minako stood calmly, sighing and my stomach dropped. "The child before you is the Crown Princess of Earth in the 30th century, Heiress to the throne of the Silver Millennium, and according to her, Sailor Moon is the only one that can save her mother."

Hearing the words spoken out loud… the confirmation weighed down on me.

I turned my gaze to the girl in Mamoru's lap almost unconsciously, mind racing; she reacted immediately, as though she'd been waiting for this moment. Rini straightened her shoulders and held her chin high, an imperious expression adorning her features as she looked me in the eye and proclaimed, "I am Princess Usagi Small Lady Serenity; Sailor Moon, in the name of the Moon Kingdom and the queen you swore fealty to, I command you to return with me to the 30th century and defeat my enemies."

The room fell into what could only be labeled as horrified silence.

I could hardly believe it.

This child was delusional; she had a death wish, or was beyond the realms of common sense. There was no other explanation for the way she had spoken, even the others appeared to understand the sheer stupidity it was to throw such words at me, and in that tone no less. I remained calm, though my tone was all ice, and my smile became venomous as I replied, "No."

She faltered, outrage lacing her voice. "You can't say no!"

"I do believe I just did." My nails tapped against the arm of the chair as I looked away disinterestedly. "Whatever fealty you speak of, I am not bound to and nor will I ever be. Never would I swear my allegiance to anyone or any cause other than myself; whatever you've been told about Sailor Moon is clearly false if you think you can order me around in that manner."

I was half tempted to wash her mouth out with soap after I got to the bottom of this mess.

"Usagi-chan." Matsuo's voice was quiet, and I turned my attention to him. His expression was… solemn, uncharacteristically serious, and it stilled something in me; I held his stare and waited, allowing him to speak what was on his mind. The words seemed to trouble him as they left his lips, as though he'd rather not say them. "Listen to what she has to say."

I sighed, rubbing at a temple. "Fine. Let's hear it then."

Information is power, I reminded myself.

"In the 30th century," Rini murmured, "Sailor Moon is known as more than the Guardian of the Moon. The Destroyer, they called her; it was in the early years of The Order of Elysion that she gained the title, because Sailor Moon never lost a single battle, and her enemies were dealt with mercilessly. She helped bring about the second Silver Millennium, and the Crystal Empire. Sailor Moon was the Queen's most trusted advisor, and the source of my namesake."

…What?

"I… I'm hardly the strongest Sailor Scout." All of the Sailor Scouts were formidable, and Makoto had displayed a brute strength that was far more deserving of a title like The Destroyer. Minako with the Holy Sword had been terrifying, and far more along the lines of who Rini had been describing. This child had to be beyond delusional, or extremely gullible, because whoever she spoke of, it wasn't me.

"I didn't say strongest." Rini retorted. "Mother and Father never used the word strongest, it was always vicious."

My lips glued shut, and I fell back into my chair.

What she was saying… it didn't make sense.

None of that sounded like anything I would ever willingly be part of; Usagi the Coward, perhaps, but not the destroyer, not in a million years. There were too many holes in her story; I didn't have enough information to make a clear picture yet, just a garbled mess of possible facts. I gritted my teeth and waded through the chaos, trying to gather my thoughts into something coherent. A few of her words stuck out to me, but I focused on the how, because that was the most important fact to begin with.

How was this possible. "In order for you to exist, for this supposed future to exist, the Moon Princess would have to be present. However, I know for a fact that she's no longer… you can't exist because she is beyond our reach."

That's right.

Serenity was in the Silver Crystal, she couldn't be this future queen, and I sure as hell wasn't her either. Ruling the world was so horrendously beyond my capabilities that it wasn't even to be considered. Besides, in what twisted world would I name my child Usagi Small Lady Serenity? The brat wasn't mine, and she wasn't Serenity's, so either she was lying or being lied to.

Or she came from some kind of parallel universe.

Christ, I didn't even want to consider the possibility. The mere theory of an astral realm was exactly the kind of existential subject I had no intention of revisiting ever again. I steeled myself and pushed back from the table, standing. This was too much; I needed to regroup and sort myself out. Rini jumped up, eyes wide with panic, and said, "Wait! You can't go, I'm not finished!"

"I don't care. It's late and I've had enough for today."

"You save her!" Rini all but shrieked then, hopping onto the table. I paused, half-turned toward the door. The words tumbled out of her mouth in a hurry, desperate and almost pleading. "Please, my mother told me, you're going to save her! Not just now, but so many more times in the future. You wronged her once and she did the same as well, but you're going to make up for it, because you're going to save her! You must come back with me, Sailor Moon; if anyone can fix my home it's you."

You wronged her once and she did the same as well.

It was as though the earth had suddenly stilled; somehow, I managed to choke out the proper order of words. "How… how do you know about that?"

She couldn't.

I had never told a soul, it wasn't something I could ever even begin to explain to another human being, so there was no way. No way, unless…

Unless Serenity had told her.

I spun and took her hands in mine, grip firm and gaze unyielding. "Do not lie to me. Are you saying that there's a way to bring her back?"

"Yes." Rini squeezed my hands. "Yes."

And the queen you swore fealty to. Her most trusted advisor. My mother told me. Not just now, but so many times in the future. You're going to make up for it.

Hope, so faint and fragile, bloomed in me as I considered the possibility. There might be a way to make up for what I had taken from her, if this child was to be believed, and I had to believe. It meant one less burden to carry, and a chance to help someone I cared for, to give her something we both thought she'd never again have.

Serenity could come back.

She could be saved.


A/N

A filler chapter, but also not a filler chapter?

I don't know why, but for some ungodly reason I just can't write the name Chibiusa.

Chibi-Usa? Chibiusa? ChibiUsa? Don't know, can't do it because it just doesn't flow like Rini does. I seriously also like Usa-chan but it's a bit too OHSHC for me. Rini literally means little rabbit in Japanese so I don't know why anyone ever thought Chibi-whatever was a good idea. That poor child truly does have the most unfortunate name…

Anyway,

Thoughts? Questions? Happy Holidays?

Please Review!