Mal looked the door of the on call room behind her and went and laid down. She was exhausted. Mentally and physically drained. Between a toddler, Evie and being a nurse, she didn't feel like she had anything left to give.
Taking care of people 24 hours a day had taken its toll on her. It seemed like all she did now was keep Macie and Evie alive. That was her goal. She loved them both of course but sometimes it wasn't easy on her own sobriety to keep her girlfriend clean. More than once she had debating texting Doug for drugs. Just one or two hits to keep her going and keep her sane.
She didn't though. Of course she didn't. She couldn't risk Macie's life that way. Mal wished she could though. She wished she could say fuck it and just go down that rabbit hole. It would make her feel better.
Instead she just kept going. She went to work, helped people, went home, made sure Macie and Evie were fed, kept Evie away from drugs, played with Macie, bathed Macie, put Macie to bed, spent time with Evie making sure she knew she was amazing, kept Evie from cutting or spiraling out of control from the rape, go to bed, wake up and do it all again.
In all reality, she knew Evie was doing fairly well. She was staying clean and attending therapy and NA. Mal was aware she didn't have to take care of Evie but she liked to. It made her feel useful. It also helped take away the guilt she felt for leaving her all those years ago.
Mal's phone beeped and she sighed, ignoring it for a moment but knowing she couldn't forever.
"Hey, babe. I just wanted to say hi. I hope you're having a good day." -E
Mal smiled. She was stressed and exhausted but Evie made her so happy. She was hot too so that always helped.
Mal tapped a quick reply before putting her phone back in the pocket of her scrubs. She really didn't want to go back to work it she didn't have a choice. She stood up and stretched all her muscles out before heading out the door.
—-
"Are you ready?" Mal asked Evie.
Evie nodded, her nerves building but she was trying so hard to stay calm.
Mal quickly shed her clothes so she was naked in front of her girlfriend again.
Evie stood nervously, arms crossed across her chest.
"Can I help?" Mal asked carefully, trying to help Evie with her fears.
Evie stood for a moment, not saying anything then she slowly nodded. She really didn't know how long until she freaked out but she really wanted to get past her fear.
Mal was surprised with the response but moved forward a little. She looked into the scared brown eyes and smiled. She gently reached down and grabbed the bottom of Evie's shirt and began lifting it over her head. Evie relaxed her arms so the shirt would move.
"You look beautiful, E," Mal told her, leaning down and kissing her bare shoulder.
"Mal," Evie said, her voice almost a whisper.
"I'm sorry," Mal said. She felt bad. All she wanted was Evie to be comfortable but it didn't mean she didn't want her girlfriend.
"Don't be, Mal," Evie said, looking Mal right in the eyes. "I liked it."
Mal was taken back by the words. "Really?" Evie nodded. "I can keep going..." Mal's voice trailed off. Evie nodded again.
Mal moved even closer to Evie. She leaned up and kissed the woman before her. Evie felt herself melt into the kiss. She couldn't understand how she was so terrified yet so in love all at once. Mal wrapped her arms around Evie's neck and pulled her in closer, wanting to be as close as she could.
It was Evie who deepened the kiss, taking them both by surprise as her tongue skimmed Mal's bottom lip. The blonde immediately allowed access and they spent a while exploring each other. Mal ran her hands up and down Evie's arms, gripping the flesh. She reached behind Evie and unclasped her bra, pausing the kissing for a moment to look into the brown eyes, making sure it was okay. Evie bit her lip and nodded. Mal let go of the clasp and the bra fell to the floor.
Mal was once again in awe, as she always was whenever her girlfriend was topless. Mal felt slightly less exposed now that Evie was half undressed. Being naked while the other person is clothed is always a little weird. Evie leaned down and captured Mal's lips again, pulling her out of the daydream she was lost in. Mal reached up and placed on hands on the breasts in front of her, kneading gently eliciting moans from the blue haired woman. Evie threw her head back at the feeling and Mal took the opportunity to attach her lips to the exposed neck. She sucked gently and Evie moaned at the feeling. She had never experienced this before and the sensations were driving her insane. She both wanted more and was scared of more at the same time.
Mal could feel her arousal building and knew they needed to stop. She knew Evie wasn't ready for this and she respected that. It felt so good though. She wanted to kiss every inch of her girlfriend's body. Mal pulled away and looked into Evie's eyes, both girl's panting from arousal.
"We need to stop, E," Mal said, hating every word as it fell from her lips.
Evie's brain was so fuzzy, she couldn't focus, "Why?"
Mal was surprised by the question. Was Evie really able to enjoy herself without panicking? "You're not ready for this, baby."
Evie whimpered and stuck out her lip in a pout. She knew Mal was right but she was enjoying it so much.
"Put that pout away. How about we get you out of the rest of your clothes and we can cuddle in bed. I'm actually really tired and could use the rest."
Evie nodded in agreement. Now that her hormones had calmed down, she could feel her terror returning to her and knew that Mal did the right thing stopping them before she panicked. She quickly got out of her pants and underwear, less nervous than the first time they did it and followed Mal into the bed.
Mal wrapped her tiny body around Evie's and snuggled in close. She struggled to admit it but she needed comfort too sometimes. She listened to Evie's heartbeat and could feel her own anxiety and stress melting away.
Evie pulled Mal's warm body in closer, enjoying the heat the dragon always put off. She wondered if she would ever be able to have sex like a normal person. It was a thought that haunted her. She had the woman of her dreams but she couldn't be intimate with her. If she couldn't do that, they were basically still just friends. Evie didn't want that. She wanted everything with Mal.
Mal twitched a little and Evie glanced down to check on her and saw that she was already passed out. Evie smiled a little, before letting herself drift off too.
-—-/
Evie woke up first the next morning and looked over at the blonde laying next to her. Mal looked so peaceful. Evie knew the other girl was so tired. She was constantly taking care of people and it was clearly wearing her down.
Evie snuck out of the bed, tiptoed to the bathroom and got herself ready for the day. Once she was done, she quietly made her way out of the bedroom and into Macie's. The toddler was laying in bed, eyes open just staring off into space.
"Hi, baby," Evie said to her, her voice quiet.
"Blue," Macie replied, the sleepiness filling her voice.
"You wanna come play with me?" Evie asked. There was a playground outside in the complex and she knew Mal could use the extra rest.
Macie immediately got up and starting running around in excitement.
"We gotta get you dressed first." Evie dug around in the drawers for a few moments before producing an acceptable outfit. Macie let her change her diaper and get her dressed without much resistance. Evie was grateful for this.
Once ready, Evie took Macie into the kitchen, put some cereal in a bag and scribbled a note to Mal. She was really hoping that since they were just outside that Mal wouldn't freak out in her.
"Let's go!" Evie smiled at Macie who clapped her hands. She let the toddler lead them, knowing that Macie knew the way to that playground better than most.
Once there, Evie helped Macie climb up the platforms and watched her slide down the slide. She helped her pretend to go across the monkey bars and pushed her on the swing. Evie even made sure she ate some of the cereal she brought. They were so wrapped up in having fun that Evie didn't notice Mal storming up to them.
"What are you doing?" Mal demanded.
"Mama!" Macie cheered, running over to her mom and wrapping herself around her legs.
"We are just playing, M." Evie shrugged.
"You're not supposed to be alone with her, Evie." Mal snapped.
"Seriously? She's fine and you know it. I just wanted you to get some extra sleep. I didn't even leave the property." Evie told her. She was growing increasingly frustrated with the conversation
"She's my kid. Not yours. What I say goes and I say you can't be alone with her." Mal snapped again.
"What do you think I'm going to teach her to snort drugs? Pretty sure she can learn that from you because news flash, Mal, I'm not the only drug addict here." Evie yelled. She was pissed.
"Keep your voice down." Mal demanded. "I get to make the decisions when it comes to her. And my decision is that until I'm sure you're clean, Macie isn't alone with you."
"I gotta go. Have a good day with your kid." Evie told her. She was completely hurt and sick of Mal not trusting her. How could they be together if there wasn't any trust?
At least she had a cute little sister she could visit. Evie turned up the street and headed toward the bus stop.
Once there, she sat down to wait, her mind going over and over their little argument. It's not that she didn't get where Mal was coming from. Evie knew she was fucked up but that didn't mean she would do anything to hurt Macie.
Finally the bus came and she got on. With a slight jerk the bus started moving and she headed toward Dizzy.
