DISCLAIMER: I do not own any character that you might recognize, they belong to JK Rowling. I'm just having fun with them.
I was listening to Taylor Swift the other day and thought that this song could be a great story so here I am (I need to stop getting inspired by her songs).
So, this is AU where Sirius didn't go to Azkaban, and Tonks and Remus had a weird secret not-labeled relationship, and this takes place the summer after Harry's second year, that's all you need to know, I guess.
This turned out to be longer than I expected.
Hope you enjoy the story and reviews are always welcome!
English is not my first language so I'm sorry for any mistakes.
•••
"but if it's all the same to you
It's the same to me"
They were having breakfast sitting in the kitchen table at her flat, it was a routine by now, it has been for the past year and a half, one would go to the other's place, they would chat, play some board game, drink some wine and the touches would begin to linger a little, one would get closer to the other, knees would start to touch, he would shyly put his arm around her shoulders and she would slowly lean into him and she would stroke his knee, they would be like that for a lot of time, drinking and laughing until one of them would take its chance and kiss the other, after that it was blurry for them and the next morning whoever woke up first would make the breakfast and when the other one finally woke up there would be kisses and caresses, small talks and sweet nothings whispered in the shower until one of them had to go to work and if they were lucky and neither of them had to go to work on Saturday or Sunday it would be like that for the whole weekend, except for full moons that is.
If you asked them neither of them could tell you when it had started, it just happened, both of them tried to stop it, some 'this cannot happen again, you are so young and I'm a danger for you' and other 'you are my cousin's best friend', none of them would argue each other's excuses, he was not going to refute it even though it was his best friend's much younger cousin and 'oh Merlin, what would Sirius say' and she was not going to admit that he was indeed older than her 'thirteen damned years' and that even though he had never harmed anyone he could still do it, no, she was not going to admit it, she would push those thoughts to the back of her mind and focus on the man before her.
If you also asked them what this was, they still wouldn't have answered the question, neither of them knew, they had never named it, never talked about it because for both of them it was dangerous territory, and since nobody actually knew about it they didn't have to label it, but one thing they knew, was that they were friends, even with whatever was happening in their bedrooms and in their hearts they would never deny that they were close friends, that they could rely on each other and they would always be there in casa the other needed an talk, an ear, a hug or a forehead kiss, assuring the other that everything would be alright.
But she knew it was all going to change the moment she told him, so as they were eating their breakfast she prepared herself to let the word out.
"Remus?" she said shyly waiting for him to look at her.
"Yes, Dora?"
"I need to ask you something, but don't take it the wrong way" she said fast, she knew how his mind worked "it would not change anything I just need to be sure".
She had been wondering the nature of their relationship since Mad – Eye gave her the news, she didn't think about it at first but after she started thinking about the people in her life that needed to know about it he was just below her parents in the list, higher than Sirius and Harry who were family and Charlie who had been her best friend since they were kids, since when had he become such an important part of her life? Anyway, she had already told her parents, now it was his turn, she didn't his approval even less now that she had already accept it but it would be nice to have his opinion on it, his support and she also needed to know she wouldn't leave any lose end regarding him.
"Ask away" she could see he was confused, she never acted like this around him.
"What is this?" she spluttered the words and saw his shocked face "I mean, what are we doing? I really am just asking with no other intentions but I need to know if this going to be like this forever? I don't what I'm trying to ask really" he didn't let a word out "Remus?" she took his hand in hers asking him.
After a moment of silence, he finally spoke "You have never cared about that before" he wasn't even looking at her, at least he hadn't move his hand.
"I know and I don't but I just – "she was interrupted.
"Then why did you ask?" she was getting tired of him not even giving her a glance.
"Can you at least look at me?" both of their breakfast were long forgotten "I was just wondering, because – "and she was interrupted one more.
"Are you seeing someone?" the question had surprised but now he was looking at her and she could not figure out what was that look in his eyes, he didn't let her answer "cause you can, if you want to" she knew for a fact that he could see the shock on her face "we've – we've never talked about it, but if you want to star going out with another person you just need to tell me and I'll get out of the way" he smiled faintly.
"It's not that Remus, it really isn't but there is something I need to tell you, I – "
"So, what – "
"Stop interrupting me!" she felt her hair go a pale pink of red and her him mumbling a little 'sorry', she closed her eyes and said "I'm leaving the country" she didn't look at him.
She should have though, so she would have seen all the feelings that passed quickly through his eyes, confusion, intrigue, pain but mostly the feeling of a heart getting shredded. He was glad she wasn't looking at him because he didn't think neither of them would have been prepared for the answer that would have come out.
After trying to compose himself he asked in the nicest tone he could find "Why?" she finally open her eyes and he saw how they lighten up and realized that his hand was still in hers, he didn't move.
"You know Mad – Eye is retiring right?" he nodded "and did you knew trainees can apply for internships in other ministry? Well, Mad – Eye didn't trust the other senior aurors and their teaching and Kingsley has been taken out of the program and it doing some investigations, so Mad – Eye, bless him and his contacts, put on some good word for me with one of his acquaintances, one that he actually trusts, and he accepted my application for his training, so now I'm going to be doing my auror training at the Bureaus des Aurors at the Ministère des Affaires Magiques de la France" she said the last bit with a false French accent to make him laugh.
It didn't work, he was still thinking, she could see that he was trying to find the rights word to say to her and he finally said them "I'm so happy for you Dora! You deserved it, I'm glad you got this chance, it's amazing" he stood up and pull her into a hug.
They lingered there for a little until he spoke "so what did you ask me that before? I don't understand what it has to do with it" she said frowning while holding her at arm's length.
She blushed, now that seemed unnecessary, "I don't know, I guess, I wanted to know if me leaving would mean anything to whatever this is" he was still looking confused so she continued "but of course it would! I'm leaving! For France! For a year, I bet you are glad you are finally getting rid of me" she let go of him laughing while she walked to the kitchen for some water.
"A year?" she heard him ask behind her and she nodded turning around "that is – that is a really long time"
"I know right?" she sounded so excited, he thought "I'm leaving in two weeks" two weeks "And I'm going to be there for the whole year, then come back to my exams and that's it, I'll be an auror" she smiled "You are the first to know, apart from my parents, so don't tell Sirius or Harry, they will freak out. My mum is going to throw some big goodbye party so I'll tell them soon, just didn't want to bother them with everything that happened last term"
He had been quiet the whole time, she frowned and was going to say something else when he opened his mouth, "listen, I got to go, but I'll see you around" he gave her a kiss in her forehead and walked to the door.
"What? Why -?" she asked but was interrupted with the sound of apparition.
She was confused, after all, it was Saturday.
•••
"But I felt it when I passed you
there's an ache in you put there by the ache in me"
It was past midnight and she was back at her apartment, she had just arrived from the party at her parent's house. Everyone was there, her friends from training, the Weasleys, who Charlie had sent in representation, she even found time to talk to Ginny and was happy to see that the girl was opening a little more, her dad's side of the family had also been there which meant no magic for the night which Mr. Weasley accepted with the biggest smile, Harry and Sirius and well, Remus.
She had seen him since she told him that she was leaving but their interactions were limited so they hadn't actually talked and now, she was leaving tomorrow morning, was that really how it was going to end?
She saw the look in his eyes at the party, and thought that hers mirrored it perfectly, he avoided her as much as possible and she did the same, why? Don't ask, he left as soon as Harry and Sirius did, not even saying goodbye, but did she really wanted that goodbye? She didn't understand what was happening to her, she was leaving tomorrow for a dream opportunity in another country and still here she was, in her couch, the one that held so much memories, thinking about that 'older cousin's werewolf best friend'. Realization hit her harder than a bludger. This had never happened before, at least not with him involved, there was no way she was understanding all of this at 2 in the morning with a glass – several – of wine the night before leaving.
Was he feeling the same? Was that why he had avoided her? She prayed it wasn't, she couldn't imagine putting that look on his face, but she knew it was the truth, cause she saw that look on her face, she had been seen it for two weeks now, a pained look, for which she had found the reason. If she was in pain and she was the one leaving she didn't want to imagine being the one left behind, she didn't want to be the cause of that pain, but she knew she was.
Immersed in those thoughts she was, when she heard a knock on her door, she looked at her watch on the table beside the empty bottle of wine, 3 in the morning, she grabbed her wand and went to open the door.
She didn't even get a chance to speak when she felt his hands in each side of her face and his lips on hers. It was urgent and passionate but at the same time she could felt how he was trying to restrain himself, either way she responded with the same urgency, digging her fingers in his head as he started to slow the kiss and put his hands on her waist.
"I'm so sorry" he said nuzzling her neck.
"Don't need to be" she responded hugging him with her hands on his neck.
"I do, it's just that I've been feeling – you are leaving and – "she interrupted him.
"Shh, don't say anything, I understand"
"You do?" he looked at her.
"I do" she felt the tears forming in her eyes as understanding passed between the two of them.
He grabbed her face and pull her to him to kiss her once more.
•••
"You can run, but only so far,
I escaped it too remember how you watched me leave"
"I need to say something" he said as he hugged her from behind, they were lying on her bed.
She took a depth breath "Would you have said it if I wasn't leaving?" she didn't know if she wanted an answer or not.
"I don't know, but what I do know is that I would not have realized of you weren't"
She turned around to face him, his arms still holding her by the waist "okay" she sighed.
"I love you and I'm going to miss you but I know that this is an amazing opportunity for you and I'm truly happy and thankful for whatever this was because it was great, you'll still be my friend and I love you even more for that" he said with his eyes not leaving hers.
"I love you too, so much it felt like I could explode and I'm sorry this came up in this circumstances but I'm not sorry for anything else" she had to stop getting emotional with her declarations.
He kissed her one last time and they both drifted to sleep in each other arms.
When she woke up, he wasn't there, their goodbyes had been said and he had left but now, she had to left too and it was Sunday.
•••
"If I wanted to know who you were hanging with
While I was gone I would have asked you"
It has been five months since she last saw him and there she was, standing outside his house doubting of to knock or not. She had missed him but clearly he hadn't, he didn't respond any of the letter she had sent, so much for being friends, and he wasn't there for Christmas, and well, even though she did come by surprise but she didn't expect him to be spending the days at his father's, especially not since he hadn't done in the past years.
She finally decided and knocked on his door. It was a little while until she heard footsteps.
"Tonks!" he exclaimed. Tonks? What about Dora? "come in, please"
She looked at him and felt bad, it was clear that she had woken him up, she smiled at him and walked towards the door. After offering her some tea he went to the kitchen giving her some time to look around the living room. She had never felt this way at his place, like an stranger, it always felt like she was in her own home when she was there, a place where she could be comfortable and do whatever she wanted because she knew nobody was going to say something to her, but now, now she felt like she could only sit in the couch and wait, she tried to look at the photos that had always been there as if they were something new, as if the faces of James, Lily, Sirius, Harry, his parents or even Peter were something new or as if the books were new even though she had bought some of them but no, the only thing out of place in the cottage was her, her and a yellow scarf.
She got up to see the scarf just as Remus entered the living room with her tea.
"This is a nice scarf, didn't know you were a fan of this colour" she said smirking.
"It's not mine, a friend forgot it when she was here last time" he tried not to look at her while talking.
"Oh, it's nice" she pursed her lips and took a seat.
"Listen, it doesn't mean anything – "he said sitting beside her.
"Remus, you don't need to explain anything to me, really" he only looked at her "I came by because I missed you and to see how you were, you haven't responded to any of my letters!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry but I read them though I just forgot to send a letter back"
Yeah, right, she had seen him respond even the shortest of letters but maybe he was too busy with a friend to care to respond to another. Don't lead your thoughts that way, T.
"It's okay, anyway, Sirius told me you are teaching at Hogwarts this term! I was so happy when I heard, I know you have wanted to do it for years and Harry, oh Harry, he seemed so excited in his letter and when I saw him he couldn't stop talking about your classes, said you were the best"
"A flatterer that kid" he said finally giving her a smile.
"Nah, I'm sure you are a good teacher"
"I'll enjoy while it last"
"It will last, I have faith in you" she grabbed his hand and he squeezed her back, a moment passed between them, where they were just staring at each other.
"Tell me everything about France, will you?"
•••
"We could call it even
Even though I'm leavin'
And I'll be yours for the weekend
'Tis the damn season
We could call it even
You could call me babe for the weekend"
Hours had passed and she didn't want to leave, she knew she had a portkey to catch tomorrow, but things had been great this afternoon, the friend was long forgotten and he didn't even ask about her failed dates in France, they had talked about their lives in the past five months and everything felt like it had felt before, she didn't want to leave, so she did was she thought was right.
"Listen I need to say something" he looked at her.
"Yes?"
"And please don't interrupt me or I won't be able to do it" he nodded "I'm supposed to leave tomorrow in the afternoon, that is what everybody knows but I have a friend who is leaving in the 1st, so I could go back with her" he looked confused "what I'm trying to say here is that, if you want to, we could stay here for the next five days together, you could tell Sirius that you are spending New Year's Eve at your dad's again and my family will assume that I'm back France, we could just forget about going back to France or Scotland and just enjoy this days, thinking about anything" she ended looking back at her tea afraid of his answer.
Answer that came in the form of his hands cupping her face and his lips pressed against hers, she smiled, it was Monday and she was staying.
•••
And wonder about the only soul who can tell which smiles I'm fakin'
And the heart I know I'm breakin' is my own
To leave the warmest bed I've ever known"
She jumped when she saw the green flames in the apartment she rented in France.
"What are you doing here?"
"Oh, hello dear cousin, I'm good too, thank you for asking" he smirked.
"Shut up" she got up to hug him.
"So, how is life in France?" he said as he went to the kitchen to grab an apple.
"Brilliant!" she said with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.
The truth was that nothing was brilliant, sure France was beautiful and she had learnt things in training that she was sure she would've never learnt in Britain or without Mad – Eye, but she missed him, she never thought that her feelings would be like that, she hated herself for not realizing them earlier, she often wondered if in the case both of their feelings would have been known by the other, if she had left or not, but then she realized that it was Remus who she used to be with and he would have never asked to stay and on the other hand, she would have never ask him to wait. She sometimes regretted what happened at Christmas, it seemed like it made things worse, those days had been great, full of 'Dora' and 'love', but the moment she came back she find it really difficult to not come back to his house and stay there forever, she missed him more because of it. She hated those thoughts, she had never been one of those people that left everything for love and now here she was, looking at her cousin wishing he was his best friend instead.
"You know what else is brilliant" she shook her head "that necklace you are wearing" he grabbed it. It was a simple silver chain with a small zultanite.
"Mum's gift! You people need to stop giving me things that changes colors" she smiled.
"Speaking of, where is the bracelet Harry and I give you for Christmas?" he inquired.
Shit, she had left it at Remus's, she had taken it off when they were about to cook, because she didn't want anything to happen to it and since neither of them had owled the other she hadn't got it back, maybe he hadn't even realized that it was there.
"Oh, I took it off for the shower today and forgot to put it back" she lied, she was not gonna tell his cousin where it actually was.
"Wrong answer" she looked at her cousin startled. "It's here" he reached his pocket and showed her the bracelet with the small moonstone in the center.
"Oh" she didn't know what to say.
"Yes Oh" she knew she couldn't say anything else, there was no point in lying so she kept quiet. "are we going to do this thing were you ask where I found it and I tell you and you deny it and we act stupid for a while or are you going to tell me about it?"
"There is nothing to tell"
"So you choose to act stupid, okay, let's do it" she couldn't look at him "So the other day I went to Remus's house, do you know where it is? Of course you know, we've been there lots of times, anyway, he asked to go over and check if everything was okay there while he is at the school, so I went, and when I was in the kitchen I found this bracelet and I thought 'hey, this look like the one I give my dear cousin Tonks' so I pick it up and saw the engraving and realized it was actually yours! Imagine the shock, then I thought that it was normal, you are friends, but since last year Remus hasn't been the same and then he had cancelled our New Year's Eve dinner and when I saw him again after the holidays, he looked worse than ever" please don't "so me, clever as ever, started to think since when this had been going on and ding, ding, ding, a little before you left, so with a little more thinking everything added up and I here know" since when Sirius had become so observant "anything to say?"
She didn't respond, instead she threw herself at the arms of her cousin and cried and let out the tears that she had held for months.
"Tonks, love?" he asked her caressing her back.
"I miss him" she was almost screaming "I miss him and we haven't write to each other since the holidays and I feel so stupid because I'm supposed to be happy to be here, to be given this opportunity, but I just miss him so much, and I never thought it would be like this, never thought he would so important"
He let go of her and went to made some tea while she was still sobbing in the couch, she didn't know why all these feelings had come at the same time. She accepted the tea and waited for her cousin to talk.
"So, since when this had been going on?"
"It would have been to years now" two years.
"That is a lot, Tonks! And what was it?"
"Don't know"
"But you love him?"
"It seems so"
"And he loves you?"
"He said so" he was surprised, his best mate had actually admitted that he loved a woman.
"What are you going to do about it?"
"Don't know" so she was keeping those short answers.
"I'll tell you" she looked at him "you are going to make the most of the two months that you have left and the moment you step on England you are going to go to his house and fight for whatever this was or is, I don't know, but you have to keep focusing on your training, it's just two months, and you go back to England and him, okay?" he saw her nod and kissed her forehead "that's my baby cousin" and she was laughing again.
•••
"It always leads to you in my hometown"
Two months had passed.
She was getting her badge next week.
And she was standing at his door.
She knocked.
Nothing.
She knocked again.
She heard footsteps.
Here we go.
He opened the door and she had never felt happier.
"Wotcher" she said smiling.
"Wotcher to you, Dora" he said with an even bigger smile.
