A/N: Second introduction here! A very familiar face pops up for my own birthday.


Epicaricacy


The diabolical laughter that all too often followed sinister plots reverberated across Todge's small, dark room. A small ferret stood hunched before the unresponsive beaver, cackling menacingly and rubbing his paws the way all sinister creatures of the dark did.

"For too long, my fellow ferrets have suffered under the tyranny of the bullying woodlanders! I have come to Mossflower to expunge the undesirables, so the one true species, the ferret, can rise!"

"Good for you, mate." Todge gave him a pair of thumbclaws-up. "That will be six dollars, ninety-nine a month! Thank you very much."

The ferret gave a furtive glance around the room, before producing the payment. "Here it is. My mum's credit card. Don't tell anybeast you have it."

"Right this way, Sir."


"My name is Fret the Fearsome, but you may kindly address me as Lord Fret the First, Breaker of Ferret Chains and Supreme Conqueror of Mossflower!"

An awkward silence followed this declaration.

"Yeah… no," said Eula the badger. As the leader of the secret community of Nest, she often had to talk to strange beasts, and the ferret standing before her now was giving some of the strangest a run for their Gold. "Tell me other things about yourself, maybe?"

The ferret shrugged. "I was born in Redwall, but they're a bunch of pastry-hugging tail-sniffers." He crossed his arms over his chest and huffed, evidently still bitter about it. "So I emigrated to Ferthorpe, where the one true species, the ferret, rules supreme! A great part of their ruling council are ferrets, so it was the logical starting ground for my revolution."

"Okay…" Eula rubbed at her forehead. The things I do for gold... "How do you feel about questing?"

Fret shrugged. "I guess I enjoy questing and being a hero. But holy Vulpuz, is it bleeping stupid sometimes!"


Fret growled in frustration - he hated escort missions. He still had no idea why he had accepted the damn quest! Was it Gold? Was it experience points? It definitely wasn't empathy. In any case, it didn't matter - he was close to guiding the dumb hedgehog across a river and a gorge, leading the vile woodlander to his friends.

"Hurry up, hedgehog! Slash-beckon. Slash-beckon! Here!"

At long last, following the arduous journey they had arrived at their destination, and Fret allowed himself a sigh of contentment.

"Ah, sweet victory!"

The ferret tapped his claws impatiently against the desk, wondering what was taking so long.

"What in Hellgates?" he scowled. "This is the right spot on the map!"

Fret peered down the face of the cliff adjacent to him and burned with rage. Down below, an otter and a shrew were tapping their feet, no doubt waiting for their hedgehog companion.

"Burn it all! Well, I'm not wasting my time bonuses for bad progress programming!"

"What're we going to do?" the hedgehog whined, clutching at his quills.

"I might just have an idea," said the ferret, beckoning his escort closer to the cliffside. "Now, would you just stand here…"

One nonchalant nudge later, the hedgehog was sent over the cliff, screaming all too loudly for Fret's liking. He hit the bottom with a loud 'splat'.

"Oh look," the ferret grinned as a notification popped up besides him. "'Krummin has been escorted to safety - quest complete'. Ah, sweeter victory!"


"People say I'm a bit mean, but I only spew hate because people deserve it."


Lounging upon a luxurious couch, Fret picked up a small bell and rang it. As expected, a scantily-clad mouse popped out from behind him.

"Why in Hellgates are you still here?" the ferret shouted. "I sent you on a hunting mission!"

"But you called-"

"Did you sell my stuff?" Fret demanded crossly.

"Well no!" the mouse admitted. "Nobody wants to buy twenty-five logs for five-thousand gold!"

"Everyone does in the endgame!" Fret snarled, slamming his fist upon the pillows. "How else are they going to build a house? What do I pay you for?"

"You don't pay me!" the retainer protested.

Fret scoffed. Non-player characters didn't deserve wages, and non-ferrets even less. It was very kind of him to give the poor mouse anything. "I pay you in retainer tokens!"

"We don't accept these as currency anymore! Not after patch one point oh-five!"

"Screw you!" Fret growled, tossing a pillow and the bell at the irksome rodent. "You don't pay my sub!"

"You know," the mouse said, scowling. "Retainers perform better if you give them actual clothing to wear."

An awkward silence ensued, made less silent when Fret kicked the mouse between the legs.


"People are always telling me how to play a game I pay monthly for! I play MY way. The ferret way. The correct way!"


"What the heck, Fret?" demanded a battered otter Paladin. "Look, I don't care about your ferret supremacist nonsense, but you're a Brightmage! You can't only heal yourself because 'we're not worthy of your grace' or whatever you're trying to say!"

"Learn to tank properly! Or are you just otterly stupid?"

"I am tanking properly!" the otter protested. "You're not healing properly!

"Screw you!" Fret snarled, muting the Paladin's complaints. "You don't pay my sub!"

"Not necessarily," said the annoying Darkmage Fret was saddled with, a squirrel who had spent too many hours playing a trivial game. "As taxpayers, we pay taxes that are fed back into the public by way of government-organised public services required to run and maintain the country you're in to make it possible for you to play this game. Thus, by transitive property, we do pay your sub!"

Curling his paws into fists, the ferret stomped over to the squirrel and slammed a footpaw down on his tail. The Darkmage screamed. Loudly.


"People ask me, 'Fret, why are you such a jerk?'. To which I say, 'Chew my ferret tail!', and most of the time that answers their stupid questions. So all in all, I'm a pretty decent guy and I'm gonna save this stupid land. Why? For the money, of course! I'm gonna-"

"Fret!" shouted the ferret's mother, back in the real world. "Keep it down, dear! And have you seen my credit card? I've been looking for it for ages!"

The ferret lowered his voice sheepishly. "Nope!"