Balladeer: "There is a fifth dimension, beyond which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and––"

Daisy: Show off.

Balladeer: "––shadow, between science and superstition and it lies in the pit––"

Daisy: Zip it! [Icy stare.]

Balladeer: "––ofmansfearsand thesummitofhisknowledgeItis––"

Daisy: [Glacial stare.]


Chapter Five: Fool's Game

"A mother takes twenty years to make a man out of her boy,
and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes."

Robert Frost


The next eleven rewinds, Daisy just went through the motions in a fog, kind of zombie-like. She looked the part as well. Not a same-damn-day went by that someone didn't comment on how pale and wan she appeared. Same frickin-frackin song she still couldn't remember the words to, a splitting headache, no aspirin, banging her toe on EVERYTHING in the house, and the shivers (which she now realized was Aunt Lavinia tapping her on the shoulder and saying, "Get up, Missy. You got chores to do.").

On rewind number seventy-two, after the umpteenth time being turned down in the parking lot, she was meandering in Rhuebottom's, looking for nothing-in-particular, when she overheard a conversation in the next aisle.

"Alice Jean Davenport, what on earth are you doin' here? Last I heard, you were in Atlanta." (That was definitely Ivy Bledsoe.)

"I came in for the weekend when Mama called me on Friday and told me about the wedding."

"Looks like you wasted a trip. Weddin's been called off." (It was Mary Alice Cumberland. Daisy started to round the corner to educate her on the difference between 'postponed' and 'called off,' but considering what she had recently begun to suspect…she decided to stay put.)

"Not a waste at all. Now maybe somebody else will have a chance." (Alice Jean from eighth grade.)

"I doubt it. She still has that poor sweet man wrapped around her little finger." (Ivy again.)

"Maybe. And maybe that wrappin's unravelin' a tad bit. Mama heard from Skeeter McGreevy, who heard it from the Donner twins who said Daisy asked Enos three times – and he turned her down – all three times."

"She must be between boyfriends again?" (Mary Alice – blond hussy. Never did like her.)

"Hush. That's not nice. He got the hives, for goodness sake." (Thank you, Ivy.)

"I know, but we're all thinkin' it. It's as good a way of gettin' outta gettin' married as any other. So, what's with the picnic fixins, Alice Jean? Back in Hazzard for only a day, and you already got a hot date?" (Mary Alice was breedin' a scab on her nose.)

"No. Maybe." (Alice Jean.)

"And is that buttermilk I see in your buggy? Thinkin' of doin' a little consolin'?" (Ivy.)

"Just never you mind about what's in my buggy."

With that, Alice Jean went on her merry way to the register while Daisy ducked behind the cereal display.

Then the giggling started, and she heard May Alice say, "If I wasn't already married…I might be inclined to do a little consolin' myself."

"Yeah, but you are, so wipe that look off your face, Lo-lita." (Ivy said. Daisy knew she liked Ivy.)

For the longest time, Daisy stood there staring into the cereal boxes, watching first Alice Jean, then Mary Alice and Ivy check out and leave. Once all three were out of the store, she grabbed a box and took her purchase to the register. Mr. Rhuebottom's middle boy was behind the counter and said, "It's later than you think."

Startled, Daisy asked, "What did you mean by that? Did Aunt Lavinia tell you to say that?"

He looked at her as if a third eye had just popped into the middle of her forehead. "The cereal? It's expired. I musta missed it when I was pullin' stuff this morning. I'm sorry, Miss Daisy. Here, I'll go get you a new box."

"No," she said, absently, "Never mind. I didn't really need the cereal anyway."

Outside Rhuebottom's she narrowed her eyes and looked down the road in the direction of Mrs. Oxford's Boarding House. 'You just go ahead, Alice Jean Davenport. Do your worst. He won't even remember you next time. An' I got a dimension as timeless as infinity on my side!"

[She tilted her head and her eyes darted, conspiratorially, slightly sideways. "Thanks for that one, by the way. But don't let it go to your head."]

The wheel in Daisy's gerbil cage started squeaking again – louder and in a much higher gear.


[…It ain't wise pa-dum-pa-dum…da da dum pa-dum-pa-dum, youuuuuu….]

Just a few more seconds! ##%$&$& I almost had it!

Aunt Lavinia's alarm clock was sent sailing out the window and landed in the yard next to Dixie.

Trudging down the hall on her search for the aspirin at 4:52 am, Daisy side-stepped the linen cabinet, the hall table, AND the coat tree.

She forgot about the dad-blasted footstool.


The parking lot behind the Boar's Nest was the same as it always was. The ubiquitous hay bales and hub caps decorated the rear cinderblock wall, and Rosco's unlocked Sheriff's patrol car was still parked next to Daisy's jeep.

Dixie was decked out in yellow and white honeycomb garland, and honeycomb wedding bells were taped to the hood and hung from the roll bar. A sign painted with red letters read "JUST MARRIED" with hearts painted on either side adorned the spare tire on the back. Below that was a trail of old boots and shoes, miscellaneous tins, and blue and orange Maxwell House coffee cans.

Those would make too much noise and would have to go first thing.

Daisy, dressed in Lavinia's champagne lace, strode out to meet Enos. Her veil of tulle attached at the back to a crown of white and soft yellow satin flowers flowed behind her as she made her way to him.

She let him get all the way through the original dialogue before implementing her latest gambit.

["Enos, you're the most wonderful man in the whole world. Now, are you sure this is what you wanna do?"

"The way I care for you, it's the only right thing to do right now."]

She let him gather her up in his arms while he said for the who-knows-how-many-times, "Oh, Daisy. I'm sorry.*" She let that moment last as long as was possible, tightening her hold on him, and buried her face into his shoulder. But she guessed he didn't notice because he put her down and started to lead her back into the Boar's Nest to tell their guests the wedding was postponed because of the hives.

"I know, Enos," she said, deviating from the original. It was getting hard to remember what was original and what she changed over the who-knows-how many -blah-blah-blah. "Before we go back in, though, you think you could take a look at somethin' for me?"

"...Sure, Daisy, as long as I can get this fancy suit back––"

"Never mind that, we'll have plenty of time. I think Bo and Luke did somethin' to Dixie when they were decoratin' her."

"She looks right fine to me, Daisy."

"Can you take a look under the glove compartment? I think they mighta' set a booby trap."

"Oh, Daisy, they wouldn't do that. Not on your weddin' day."

"Yeah, well, Arliss Franklin's nit-wit brother put his car on blocks, sprinkled pepper in the heater, and put Limburger cheese on the manifold. Poor Adaline had a headache by the time she and Arliss got to their honeymoon suite. And you know what jokesters my cousins are. I start every…I got up with a headache this morning and don't need another one."

"But we're not drivin' to the honeymoon today, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember. Boy, do I remember…I still have to drive home, sugar."

"Okay, Daisy. If it'll make you feel any better, I'll take a look."

By the time Enos got his head under the dash, Daisy had slipped one handcuff around his right wrist and the other around the roll cage bar on the passenger side.


References:

* Direct quote from Season 7, Episode 16 - "Enos and Daisy's Wedding"