'Ron, have you noticed Hermione's a bit, you know, down?'
Harry had, in a great bout of self sacrifice, decided to go on with his needling. They were getting unbearable.
Ron nodded significantly, from where he was peeling potatoes.
'It's the bloody mushrooms,' he started a well known rant. 'Of course she's depressed, any sane person would be!'
'Ron,' said Harry. 'Don't you think you can cook something to cheer her up? She'll be real happy, don't you think?'
He had not expected an innocent suggestion to go this bad. Hermione, who had been perusing Ancient Runes, had arrived to the little kitchenette, nose wrinkled as she took in the charred remains of the what were once vegetables and some half hearted pieces of salmon.
'What the hell is going on here? I stay in bed one morning, and you burn down the damn tent! And what was this even supposed to come off as? Merlin, it stinks-'
Ron took this unfortunate moment to don a French accent and say something that sounded like Bolognese. He also attempted a wink. Hermione blushed but soon regained her sense of purpose. Damn, Harry had just been at the threshold of the tent when he heard Hermione call out his name. He had always been too optimistic for his own good.
'Where are you going? You burn the place down and try to escape?'
Of course, he would try to escape, this was Hermione.
'I don't think it would be er, suitable with me here, I mean, you both clearly need to have some personal space-'
Ron's mouth hung open slightly.
Harry silently did a countdown in his head. Five, four, three...
'Personal?' spluttered Hermione as Ron suddenly pulled her into a hug, in a rare burst of sanity.
(One!)
Yes, thought Harry. He started to tiptoe out, an inch at a time. He had always known he was efficient in many things, but even matchmaking?
('You're absolutely amazing, Harry') he told himself as he successfully reached the bunks.
'Ron!' Came Hermione's voice a few minutes later, and Harry knew, inexplicably in that moment, that Ron had managed to muck up things as usual. His efforts all damned, Ron was a pioneer in that field.
Harry mused over the Ron and Hermione question as he helped Hermione arrange her books in alphabetic order again. Ron was sprawled over the bunk, trying to get the wireless to work.
'What are you thinking Harry?'
'Er, me?'
How was he supposed to tell her he was trying to set her up with his daft best mate?
'I was just um, thinking of Hagrid, like, he always loved animals and stuff, and we're in a forest and all, reminds me of Hogwarts-'
'Shut up, you're reminding me of food,' said Ron.
'Ronald, how can you be so insensitive-'
'How can you not be hungry?'
'Of course I'm hungry, I just don't go around skulking and burning down tents-'
'That was Harry's idea, you know?'
Oh no, oh no. The git!
'No, it wasn't, I mean, Ron just wanted to cheer you up-'
'Really? That's er, really sweet of you Ron, it was just I was reminded of my parents-' Hermione flushed pink and said this the exact moment Ron said,
'Nah, Harry was behind it,'
Harry almost slapped himself.
'Oh,' said Hermione, as if she'd just been told to marry Draco Malfoy. She quickly seemed to get past the shock and then looked at Harry sweetly.
Hermione did have beautiful eyes...
Harry shook his head just in time to catch Hermione thanking him, and saying something about her parents.
'It was nothing, Hermione,' he said bashfully. Then Hermione kissed him on the cheek, hugging him. He patted her on the back awkwardly, her bushy hair covering most of his face. But it was not enough to hide the look of disdain and jealousy Ron shot him.
Oh Harry, thought Harry. 'You're so good of a matchmaker, you just reminded Ron how much he likes Hermione, by mistake. And, also, made him jealous of you.'
Borrowing a line from Ron's book, Harry mumbled a bloody hell as Hermione let go.
Now that he'd successfully made Ron jealous, Harry had mused onto other ways of setting them up which didn't involve Ron strangling him or Ginny breaking up.
'Harry?' came Ron's voice.
Harry had been the lookout for the night and he had thought that Ron and Hermione were asleep.
'What is it?'
'I, well, do you fancy Hermione?'
Of all the things, he could ask?
'No!' said Harry indignantly. Here he was, risking life and limb and sanity for the oblivious pair and Ron had the gall to ask this.
'You were being a tactless piece of broccoli, you know? Here, I am, telling her you were doing it for her and you choose that moment to say things like I don't give a damn about your parents-'
'I didn't say that, I just said you were behind it-'
'But that is not what she wants to hear!'
'Boys,' came Hermione's groggy voice. 'Will you shut up?'
Harry looked at Ron. Ron gulped and said a 'Sure, Hermione, Night!'
Harry took a deep breath and proceeded his rant.
'Do you have any idea how daft you are being? I leave you, two seventeen year olds, all alone in a tent, two teenagers who are obviously so into each other-'
'Into each other? Have you become some Celestina Warbeck?'
'That's not the point. I leave you two alone, hoping you'll get off to do some nauseating things-'
'In the bloody kitchen?'
'Oh well, you get the ruddy idea, don't you?'
'Harry,' started Ron, in a very solemn and serious tone. 'Mate, is the Horcrux putting you up to this?'
'Hey Hermione, how're you feeling?' asked Harry, as he sat down next to her. She was sipping a cup of coffee and muttering numerous ways to kill a certain redhead.
'What did he do now?'
'Snored the whole bloody night like an elephant that's what. You have no idea how many times I was this close-' (she showed the space between her fingers for added emphasis)
'-to killing him in his sleep.'
'Look, I just think he feels guilty for um, burning the last pan we had-'
Hermione tsked. 'He's just sulking he won't be able to get food again. Really, Harry, I've been more worried about you. Tact has never been your strong point, but is this some side effect of the Horcrux?'
How in Merlin's name was he supposed to answer that?
Harry's latest attempt had, not gone as planned. He had, however, reminded Ron of his undying love and passion for his oblivious best friend. The downsides? His best friends now thought he was going insane becuase of the Horcrux.
Oh, if they knew the reality!
He was going insane because of them.
