Balladeer: You coulda knocked ole' Elton over with a feather offa Mizz Alene's prize peacock when Daisy Duke showed up at WHOGG, the voice of Hazzard County.

Daisy: [Silent sneer.]


Chapter Nine: Achy Breaky*

"I'm drunk – nonsensical tired out."

Robert Frost


"Daisy Mae Duke, what are you doin' here? Guess I should say, Daisy Mae Strate. Thought you and Enos be on your way to honeymoon heaven right about now," Elton said when she appeared in the doorway. "I was just about to announce the nuptials."

Daisy swayed slightly.

"Daisy, you don't look so good. Even that poor dress looks better than you do right now."

Lavinia's wedding dress looked and smelled as if it had been dragged through the Georgia red clay after being soaked in Kentucky Bourbon.

"M fine and dandy. I want you to play me a song. Special song."

"Sure, Daisy, but maybe you should sit down. Here, I'll get you a chair. Then we can call Enos or Jesse––"

"No! No no no no noooo."

"But Daisy, you're not in any condition––"

"––ta drive. Ha! That's what Luke said ta Enos when he left my weddin' ring in his other pants! Hey, El..tn. Did ya' know he did that? Yep! That's wh… he di'it alright, just up an' lef it." She started to laugh but not in a funny haha way. "Is that sompin you'da done Ellltn? No. Takes somebody special ta' do somethin' like…at…th..at."

Elton picked up the phone and started to punch in numbers, but Daisy was too fast for him – pretty quick for somebody who'd obviously been on a bender. She wasn't just ordinary drunk. She was falling-down, stinking drunk.

Holding the receiver to her chest, daring him to take it back, she sloshed out, "Not 'till you play me my…sooonnng."

"Okay, Daisy, don't get riled. I'll play whatever you want."

She straightened up, still holding the phone receiver hostage, and declared, "Don't member name of it."

"I can't very well play you a song if I don't know the name of it."

"I'll…sing…singit for ya'. Goes like this. 'S a [da-dum], [la-la-la a]…heartburn..." She began humming it instead.

"Daisy, please let me call someb––"

"Hitcha-"

"Yeah, I know the song. And I'll play it for you on one condition."

"C'ndichons – that's like rules, right? Nope. Don't do rules…no more rules!" She was doing more than swaying now. Turning a little greenish, she had to hold on to the back of Elton's chair to stay upright.

"Okay, Daisy. Let me at least get you some water."

"O…K…water's okay."

Elton reached for the phone when he saw her hand relax but she tightened her grip on it and pulled it in closer to her bosom.

Backing off, he raised his hands in surrender and moved toward the water dispenser.

"Daisy, please at least sit before you fall down. Boss'd kill me if you was to get hurt and drive up his insurance premiums."

"Sit…yes, sittin's O…K."

Daisy sat in the folding chair Elton had pulled out for her, emptying the paper cone of its contents, much of which ended up down the front of the dress. While she was distracted, Elton flipped the console's loudspeaker button to the 'on' position.

"Now, Daisy, tell me again what you want me to do before you'll let me call somebody."

"You deaf, Ellll…tn? I wanna hear the song. Play the damn song!"

"Then you'll give me back the phone?"

"Mebee. Mebee not."

Suddenly remembering she had turned the key in the door when she came in (he was so surprised at her appearance and condition that he'd completely forgotten), he leaned toward the mic as close as he dared without her realizing what he was doing.

"Why'd you lock the door, Daisy?"

She wiggled her finger at him and whispered, "Ta keep Aunt Lavinia...out there…"


By the time Enos arrived, the street was full of extremely interested bystanders. Boss and Rosco were waiting for him across the street from the radio station.

"Oh, Enos, I'm glad you're here," Boss droned. "You gotta do somethin' about Daisy."

"Sheriff, you didn't say nothin' 'bout Daisy. I been lookin' for her all over," he said, his voice laced on the edges with a combination of annoyance and fear.

Rosco took hold of him and said, "Now, Enos. Don't go gettin' yourself all worked up."

"Sheriff, if somethin's happened to Daisy…I'll never be able to forgive myself––"

Just then, Daisy's voice came over the loudspeaker, singing drunkenly along with record.

"...[da-da-da-dum…da-da] -cuz' ahma damm...fool..."

"Enos. Enos, you gotta do somethin'," Boss demanded.

"Me?"

"It's your fault."

"My fault…"

"Accordin' to Daisy, five or six times-"

Rosco interrupted, "Three."

"Whut?!"

"Three times. She only said it...oh, well maybe it was...mmmm..."

Boss gave him the stink-eye, then turned back to Enos, "Like I was sayin', accordin' to her, she's in there disturbin' the peace cause you the one left her weddin' ring in your other pants. Now, I ask you. Who does that?" J.D. looked around for support and landed squarely on the face of his wife. "Well, anyway, why would you do that? Everybody in Hazzard County knows you been in love with that girl since the seventh grade."

Rosco got between Enos and Boss before things got ugly, which, if he read Enos's expression right was in a few seconds. "Ya' see, what my little fat buddy means is. Daisy's done locked herself in the radio station an' she's holdin' Elton hostage 'till he finishes playin' that song."

"Then, let her finish the song."

"Well, that sounds easy 'nuff alright. But, there's a flaw in that slaw, ya' see. This is the fifth time he's had to play it. Don't look like she plans on lettin' him go anytime soon."

"Ever thought of breakin' the door down?"

"Breakin' the door down!" Boss was beside himself. "Are you outta your ever-lovin' mind!? You know how much that door cost? Why the gold lettering alone cost…"

Lulu caught his eye again, and this time she looked as if she would eat him for lunch.

"Well, well…it ain't that I'm worried about the door, just wanna make sure Daisy doesn't get hurt from somebody crashin' in unexpected like, that's all." Boss said as his most disingenuous J.D. Hogg smile spread across his jowls, then disappeared as quickly. "And if you expect to have a job come tomorrow mornin', you better figure out a way ta get Daisy Duke outta there without any harm comin' to my radi…ahem, Daisy or Elton."

Standing at the door, Enos had to endure more of the duet.

"Never does nothin' but..."

The whole of Hazzard County seemed to be at his back, waiting for the other shoe to drop. More people were waiting in the street to find out what would happen next than had shown up for the wedding.

He wrapped lightly on the door. "Daisy?...Daisy, it's me. Can I come in?"

"What're you doin' here? No planes to Calif..Cal..to the spacific?"

"Daisy, please don't do this."

"Do what? I'm juss lissnin' to music with my friend, Ellltn. Iddn't that right, Elll––"

"Yeah, Daisy. We're listenin' to music. Like you said. But maybe ole' Enos wants to listen too. He likes music. Don'tcha, Enos."

"Yeah, Elton. I like music."

Daisy leaned into the glass door with Enos and his puppy dog hazel eyes looking back at her from the other side. "He juss don't like my music."

"Daisy, let me in."

"No."

"I'm not askin'. Open this door and let me in right now."

Daisy shrieked a laugh. "What're you gonna do, knock it down?"

"Yes."

Elton moved toward the door to get between it and Daisy. "Daisy, sounds like he means it. Now, that door never did nothin' to you. But if he knocks it down, it's gonna mean a heap of a lot to Boss. Enos'll be payin' for it the rest of his life. Now, I can't even imagine what's gone wrong between you two, but you gotta let him in."

Daisy dropped the phone and shrank into the shadows cast into the room by the man at the door.


References:

* "Achy Breaky Heart" is a song written by Don Von Tress in 1990 under the title "Don't Tell My Heart" and released by Billy Ray Cyrus in 1992 (Wikipedia)