Lullaby

It's a bright sunny day. The city is bustling, people going in many directions, streets full. Alex isn't really paying attention to them. Her mind focused on the interview. But something suddenly brings her out of her thoughts. She stops in her tracks, everybody around her are walking, the light changing from red to green. But she remains still. Frozen in place.

The melody, quiet distant. Almost as if she was the only one who could hear it. She searches, turn around. Eyes scanning for where the sound is coming from. Chases it. Something she cannot explain. It takes over. In some narrow alley a woman, clearly homeless, is singing to her baby:

Тили-тили-бом
Закрой глаза скорее
Кто-то ходит за окном
И стучится в двери

She doesn't understand it but it somehow sounds familiar. The melody brings tears to her eyes and she cannot explain it. She is certain she had heard it somewhere before. But she knows she hasn't. She runs, terrified now of what it is making her feel.

It bother her all day. The melody stuck in her head. The feeling of something she cannot remember. And why does it terrify her so? She cannot focus on her work, biting the nail of her thumb. Albert looks at her silently from the sofa. It's only when she pulls away from him when he touches her in bed, that he finally asks:

„What's wrong?"

She can't look at him. It feels stupid. And she know she shouldn't let herself be bothered by something like this.

„It's nothing." She says.

He raises his eyebrow. Doesn't believe her.

„Clearly it's not."

She sighs.

„I don't know." She says. „ it's this song some woman was singing. And I know I've heard it before but I can't remember where."

He looks like he is about to laugh but she has her back to him.

„It's in Russian. I've never been to Russia. Except for..."

She cannot finish that sentence. Except for when she was a baby, before she was taken by Spencer for his twisted experiments.

He seems to catch on. Slowly put his arm around her, pull her close.

„Forget it." He says. „It's just a song."

He places a kiss on her neck. She wants to give into the touch.

„It's a lullaby" she says.

„It doesn't matter." He says firmly. „ Forget it."

He moves to kiss her lips and for a moment she does forget.

Smoke swirls. The room appears, like it had so many times. A place between dreams and somewhere else. It takes the shape of Spencer's old office in Raccoon city. Only this time the person who appears before her is not one she knows. It's an old woman, very old. Wearing long black dress, or perhaps a shirt. The black shawl that covers her head and shoulders and chest makes it hard to tell. She is hunched forward. Prayer beads wrapped around her hand. She looks at Alex. Alex doesn't know her.

„Who are you?" she asks.

The woman looks at her, stern wrinkled face seems to light up with an expression of kindness. She speaks:

„я прощаю тебя"

Alex doesn't understand. She shakes her head.

„What? I don't understand. „ She tries to explain.

The woman smiles at her, turns away, fades back into the mist.

Alex wakes up in her bed. The feeling of dread and sorrow heavy on her chest. She wonders what that was about. She is certain she has never seen the old woman before. But then she can't recall every random person she has seen in passing. The only people she has seen in that room were people she knew in her life, and who were now dead.

Albert is sound asleep next to her. It's still dark. But she cannot sleep. The words of that woman bother her. The strange melody. The heavy feeling of remorse in her chest. The song is indeed an old lullaby, one that is haunting and unsettling. Yet she listens to it in the dark living room of her apartment. Wondering when she could have heard it.

Perhaps she has fallen asleep again, or just began to doze off. It's an image that comes to mind. The voice of the singer changes into that of another. A different woman is singing and the song is not as haunting as the performance made it to be. It's comforting somehow, gentle. The room has green wallpaper. Shadows from the lantern dance on the floor and ceiling. The rocking chair creeks. She lays in her bed, feels sleep creeping up on her. But suddenly jumps awake. She is not in that room. She is in her apartment. That room. Where was it? When was it? Whose voice was singing?

Albert finds her on the sofa, wearing only her shirt. Staring at the laptop. She looks like she has been here for a long time. She doesn't see him, doesn't react. He looks over her shoulder at the screen. The unsettling song quietly playing in the background. The translator page open. One phrase on the screen "I forgive you."

"What are you forgiving me for?" She wonders.

She feel him place a cover over her shoulders. Looks up at him. There is a look of concern.

She doesn't talk about it. The dreams. Part of her cannot accept it. But she can't deny them either. Or the two others that reside in her. She could write it off as memories or her mind giving her closure before. But this time there was no denying it. It was real. She had to accept it.

"My mother used to sing this to me. " She says.

He give her a strange look but nods.

"I can't remember her face." She says. "I couldn't remember anything at all before the orphanage. But this song, it made me remember."

He voice is just a whisper. She feels his hand on her shoulder. Tight grip, as if a warning to not go there. But he cannot stop her.

"Alex" he call her name.

"My name, it was originally Alexandra, did you know? I was Russian before they took me."

She seems lost in her mind, eyes not focused in the present. It's not a state he has seen her in often.

"Alex." He repeats.

She doesn't hear him.

"And this woman in my dream. She said she forgives me, but for what I don't know. I've never seen her before."

"That's impossible." He says." The mind cannot invent faces. Every person, every face is of somebody you have seen, even if it was in passing."

She reacts now. Despair, uncertainty in her eyes.

"Evidently your memories are coming back." He says, voice calm, but deep down he is not.

"But why now?" She wonders. "The transfer. Natalia was never subjected to the drugs that I was. They would have been brought to surface much sooner. "

"Perhaps it needed a trigger." He says.

She nods slowly. He sits next to her.

"The past doesn't matter." He says, assures," you don't need those memories. Remembering won't change a thing. Those people are long dead. The time where you could have gone back is long past. "

"I know"

She realizes he is right. Maybe if it had happened when she was still alive as herself. Maybe in her teens. Maybe someone would have been alive, maybe she could have gone home. Things could have been different. But it has been almost 60 years since. She was somebody else now. And yet she still wants to know. The image of that room still in her mind.

She had read the reports Spencer showed her. Parents that actively searched, might have gotten some leads or saw the child taken were put down. Killed and disposed of. How many little girls named Alexandra have gone missing in Russia in the 1960? Assuming her parents were even alive to report it. But there is another problem. In the 1960 it was still Soviet Russia, made up of several countries other the Russia itself. It covered most of Eastern Europe, up to Germany. All of them were occupied by force, forced to follow the law and culture of USSR and to speak Russian. All local cultures, languages were erased, religion banned. History rewritten as if these countries had always belonged to Russia. Many people who opposed the regime were exiled into the frozen wasteland of Siberia. People from All over USSR. So, really her country of origin could have been any of those. It seemed almost impossible to trace back where she had been born. With only a vague memory to go by. She didn't even know her last name. That would have been helpful. But Spencer made sure that this information was erased so that even if they found out, going home was impossible.

It seems pointless. She tries to put the idea out of her head. Act like everything is okay but deep down it still bothers her. The words of that woman. Being forgiven for something you don't even know you did. She listens to that song again.

"Stupid, how I've spent years on that island but never learned any Russian."

"You could take classes." He says.

The island. It hasn't crossed her mind since. But now she wonders.

"We should go there. I've always wanted to see what was left." She says.

Albert looks unamused by that idea.

"I'll take a week off. We could travel the seaside of Europe. "

"It's not a good idea." He says.

Afraid of being recognized. He is supposed to be dead. But he is not himself. His body perished in Africa.

"You're too paranoid." She says. "I'll go alone then."

There is another reason she want to visit the seaside. A memory. Something else surfaced. Listening to the song she sees that green room. The gentle voice singing to her. The creaking chair, cracking fire and the distant sound of waves. She did like that sound. While looking at the sea and how endless it was filled her feelings of loneliness and grief. The sound of waves felt relaxing somehow.

They rend a boat and drive to the island. The greyish waters of the Baltic Sea are calm. It's spring. Flowers bloom all over the. Grass overgrown, nature is reclaiming it. Old houses are falling apart. She had walked this path from the doc many times. All the people that used to live here – gone. Nobody to greet them. All dead by her design, her experiments or the monsters those experiments made. It is a wild, beautiful and tragic place.

She looks at the house slightly further away from others. A tall dead tree next to it. She had walked past it many times. One branch is broken, hanging low. She could have sworn there used to be a swing there. If there were any children she did not recall them. She had seen every person on this island, at least in passing. Tired old faces. Except for the kids who ran around happy. She walks to the front of the house. It's been abandoned for some time, probably before her death. She vaguely recall that an old woman used live here. She had seen her may be once and found her unpleasant to look at.

The front door is open. An empty dog house sit's outside. No one guards this home. Only darkness and the smell of moldy wood and dust greets her. Albert is still somewhere behind her. She walks from the warm spring sun into the darkness of the house. Straight to the end of the hallway. Not sure why. Her feet just carry her.

Albert slowly steps inside. She had gone in but it's been some time. he finds her standing there In the middle of the room. Back to the door, frozen.

He surveys the room. The wallpaper is deep green. There is a child's bed in the corner. Old toys. A rocking chair, an old dresser.

"Alex." He calls out to her.

She doesn't turn to look at him. Pale as a sheet.

"This room. She used to sing for me in this room." her voice shakes

He reaches for her but stops. Jaw tight, fists clenched.

"This was my room… my home... My mother..." tears begin to fall.

She sinks to her knees. Body shaking.

"She was here. She was alive... She was here when I...I…" she grabs her head with her hands and screams.

He knees besides her. Holds her against his chest as violent sobs shaker her.

"I told you it best to forget It." he whispers into her hair.

She remember now, where she had seen the woman from her dream. Right outside this house the first time she had arrived on this island. And then one more time in the line of prisoners being taken for experimentation. She was comply calm while others panicked and cried. Back then she didn't care. Now she wished she could go back in time. Perhaps she had other family here, but now she will never know.

Time slows to a crawl. She feels cold numb. The woman's words echo in her head. "I forgive you." but she cannot accept it. She cannot forgive it. She had been home this whole time and never knew. She had destroyed it. She only had herself to blame. And perhaps Spencer. It was he who told her of this place when she said she wanted to set up her own research facility. She wonders if he knew this whole time. Did he sent her back especially for this? Because he knew what she would do?

She looks at him. Breathing calmer. Face red from tears.

"I want you to hurt me." She says.

"I don't think..."

"Please."

He nods slowly. Carries her in his arms. Deep under the island, the mines that house her secret mansion. Some creatures still linger but he takes care of them. Never leaving his gun begin. The laboratories are also there. Most if it survived. Still working.

She undresses slowly. White clothes dropping to the not so white floor.

"Hurt me like I hurt them." She says." So would share in their fate."

He obey. Reluctant. Binds her arms and legs. Gags her. The floor is cold under her bare flesh. He makes her kneel. The water is cold when he pushes her head under. She can't breathe but she needs air. She can't scream. He pulls her out. Before she can get a breath he pushes her back in.

The blades are still sharp. They cut into her skin, peal bits of it away. He has a steady hand. Face emotionless, like a butcher. Chains hold her hands above her head. Her feet dangling above the hole. Blood drips down slowly draining down. She doesn't scream. Welcomes the pain. The only thing she can share with the mother she will never know.

Her flesh heals. She wills it not to. Endures the drips of acidic liquid on her raw flesh. He is being gentle. Carefull. She wishes he wasn't. He will hurt her, only because if he doesn't then she will. And if she does, they both know it- she will not hurt, she will destroy. Even herself.

At the end of the day. As morning dawns over the island he carries her to bed. Unconscious. Holds her in his arms. Even in her sleep she weeps. There no comfort he could give her, he knows. He wonders about his own family and if perhaps he too was guilty.

He is certain he not yet asleep. He feels something off in the room. Somebody is singing. He feels Alex calm in his arms. It's the same song she had been listening to. He raises his head and freezes in place. There is a woman in the room. He did not hear the door open. She is wearing black, blending into the darkness. She is singing, walking around the bed to the side where Alex is. She leans down, touches her head.

"Спать. быть в мире с собой. я прощаю тебя. ты вернулся домой"

In her sleep Alex smiles. When he looks back up the woman is gone, like she was never there.