BACK-EDITED ON JUNE 2, 2020.
Author's Note:
This story has been back-edited today, with renewed content warnings on chapters 1 and 2 and 3 to reflect some very valid concerns from readers.
Chapter 1 has been updated to include the lyrics to the titular song references, "Love The Way You Lie, parts 1 through 3."
In Chapter 2, if it was not clear what happened, Derek's dad did get shot as in canon in his store when Amelia was five years old and Derek was a little older than that. The plot of that chapter is that Derek never talks about his father to Addison, so Addison is about to ask if Mrs. Shepherd's husband is joining them, but Amelia Shepherd pulls Addie aside and explains how Derek lost his dad and how she watched it all happen, and so did Derek, and Addison never tells Derek that she does know the truth about this because Derek says he doesn't want to talk about his dad.
Chapter 3 has been updated to include more lines from the ending scene, and I encourage you to reread the end of that chapter before you begin, to give a little more context.
Otherwise, welcome to Chapter 4!
Thanks to those who have left comments so far.
Here's more to this painful story.
Hope to hear your thoughts at the end of it.
bobbiejelly
CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:
SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.
Graphic Depictions Of Violence.
Abuse of many kinds.
Just a lot more of the bad shit.
It also will contain consensual straight female-male sex.
*While the sex between Addison and the AU-Abusive Derek Shepherd will be 'consensual', I recognize there is a limit to how 'consensual' sex can be in an abusive relationship. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not writing about sexual abuse and/or rape, per se, Addison asks him for sex, or he does and she wants him, and it's an unhealthy dynamic because of what he does and the circumstances, but in this AU I guess I'm not writing that he's forcing himself upon her while she is saying no. That's where I draw my line in what I am comfortable with. This has been altered from my previous content warning, upon the guidance of reader feedback - thanks!
This chapter also contains adulterous sex between Addison and Mark. That is in itself consensual, but hesitant, and it's still all really messed up.
Anyway, that's your content warnings for you, and also spoilers…
(Do you like the content warnings? Do you find them helpful or do you find they ruin the story for you - do you just skip past them or do you read them? Do you want me to keep them up? I feel obligated to, but also I feel like it's getting in the way? Let me know in the comments…)
bobbiejelly
Love The Way You Lie
Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway.
-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey
MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover.
CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek.
*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*
Chapter 4: MARK(S)
When you met Derek Shepherd you also met Mark Sloan.
You wonder what life might have been like if you had not chosen Derek, but Mark.
Something self-destructive in you seems to want to find out, for all the right reasons, but in all the wrong ways…
The day after your eleventh anniversary with Derek, you can hardly walk.
Some of that is from the sex, you know. He gave it to you good last night, and for what it's worth you really, really wanted it.
You begged for it, practically. And he gave you exactly what you wanted.
He doesn't give it to you until you beg him, but when you do, it feels really good.
You might hate Derek, but you don't hate 'doing it' with him.
That part still hasn't changed.
You wonder if that makes you a whore to stay with someone because they screw you good.
You decide that it doesn't because maybe if your mother was good enough at sex with your father than he wouldn't have to screw his secretaries.
You decide to never think such gross things about your parents, ever again.
When you find out the truth about all that, it will be really confusing, and yet, somehow, comforting.
You go to work anyway, even though you can barely stand up after the beatings and subsequent sex.
When people ask why you're limping you tell him you had 'an exhausting night'. You smirk as if you're in on a secret, and they seem to take it as 'Derek must be an animal in bed for her,'.
If they knew the half of it they probably wouldn't be smirking back at you.
The excuse seems to work for you, and even better, it feeds Derek's ego.
You realize his ego needs to be fed even more often than your mutual libido.
One feeds the other, it seems, and when you praise Derek to others, you're rewarded with orgasms that evening.
Sometimes you just have sex with him, without all the beatings.
Sometimes after it's really bad with him, you just sit down and watch 'good housewives,' with him on the couch and he strokes your back and you forget for a while what his rough hands feel like when they're slamming down on that part of you instead of rubbing in soothing circles.
You always said that the good outweighed the bad until the day it didn't. You're not sure about that, always, but the day it got really bad you still didn't leave him quite yet for a while.
Derek goes away on a research conference to somewhere else (he didn't say where) for a week one time and for once you don't come along with him because your double fellowship exams are at the same time in New York.
He would never want you to fail out of school for him, because he says that he still wants you to be a successful surgeon, in your own right.
You realize much later that he just didn't want to raise any eyebrows at your situation.
Your teacher hands you the exam and you know all the answers. This part is easy for you, at least. You still study sometimes with Derek, but you're doing different things now.
He went into neurosurgery just like he said he would. You studied neonatal and fetal surgery, then became a board-certified OB-GYN. You did genetics research in cystic fibrosis on top of that.
You needed an outlet, and more degrees seemed to be the solution. You're fascinated by women's health and you like to think that you can make the world better by helping people bring life into the world with your double-board-certified surgical fingers.
Every time you study it makes you forget everything else. It's the one thing you're good at, other than loving Derek, and it's the one thing you can get validation from outside of him.
It's also the perfect excuse to socialize because he can't be mad at you for talking to people you have group projects with.
Usually, that's your best friend Naomi Bennett, who also studies women's health. She's going to be a reproductive endocrinologist and fertility specialist.
You often chat with her about starting up a private medical practice together; combining your talents and making a go at the world.
Naomi likes the idea, she hopes to include Sam Bennett, who she married around the same time you married Derek.
Sam is a cardiologist, and he quit being a cardiac surgeon but he's still certified to work as one again if he ever wants to.
Along with Mark Sloan's talents at plastic surgery, you think the five of you could have a real go if you rented an office in the 'big apple' of New York City.
You do end up setting this all up sometime after your eleventh anniversary after you all pass your exams.
Your new business is flourishing. New people around every day means no more hospital staff wondering why you always wear long sleeves under your scrubs.
Mark, Naomi, and Sam have long since stopped asking you that because you get upset about it every damn time.
You actually like that they ask because you consider coming clean every time. You know that as your friends they love you, and as friends, you love them all, too. But it's not the same way as loving Derek, and that Derek loves you...
Anyway, one weekend Derek is out of town and that weekend Sam and Naomi were busy and so you hung out with Mark.
Mark found out about a few of your bruises because you were cooking dinner together and he bumped into your hip.
You winced and Mark could see the red mark on your midriff and he frowned at you for a second.
You lie about it, of course, but he spies another on your other side.
You say it was an accident. You can tell he doesn't fully believe you.
But he can tell you're not going to talk about it. So he doesn't ask you again. And you never tell.
You don't want to hurt Mark by telling him that his best friend is a monster. You know that as a best friend, Mark loves Derek, and as a best friend, Derek loves Mark, too. Other than you, Mark is the person Derek loves more than anything, and you don't ever want to take his best friend away from him…
Years later, after all of this happened between the three of you, you'll have no idea how your lives ever got this insane.
Naomi sometimes asks you to hang out on the weekends, or even on weeknights.
You run out of academic-related excuses because she's in a similar program and she already knows your schedule.
You want to go to the movies, or go to a bookstore, or just lie on her couch and eat takeout.
You want to, but you don't, because you know that Derek will just kick you, literally, if he finds out that you're not at home by six o'clock.
You found that out the hard way when you went to get coffee with Naomi one day after work. His toe collided with your calf and then your other one right after that. He called you a 'two-timing-lesbian-slut,' and accused you of cheating on him with your platonic best friend. You don't know how or when he found out you liked women, too, but ever since, he limits the time you can spend with your female friends as well as your male ones.
You know you're hurting Naomi by telling her 'no,'. You can see the insecurity in her face when you turn her down. You can tell she is thinking that you don't want her as a friend anymore.
You promise her you would if you could.
You really would if you could just ditch Derek, but you know that you can't.
Naomi says that she misses you.
You tell her you see her at work every day.
Nai tells you it's not the same, that you used to hang out in medical school and through your fellowships, but now you never make time for her, ever.
You decide to book a fake consultation for yourself with her in her office just so you can close all the shades and hang out with her and Sam in private without Derek on a day he's not working.
It's enough for her for a while. Sam and Naomi lie for you and say they were having sex and that's why the blinds were closed. You make sure you're never seen when you do this, because if Derek caught wind of a rumor that you were 'in a threesome with Sam and Naomi,' you're not sure what he would do to your body at this point, and you never, ever want to find out.
Derek never knew about this, he never found out how you hung out with your friends…
But you stopped it anyway after the second time because it was too risky because he worked at the practice as well. You knew you were putting them at risk in addition to you, and you cared about Sam and Naomi too much to let them be hurt by Derek directly as well.
When they ask you to book another 'consultation,' with them to watch a movie, you say no because you hate lying about it.
It's more than a half-truth, but more than a half-lie. You hate lying and sneaking around, but it's because you don't want to get caught in case you get yourself nearly killed.
Eventually, they don't want to hang out with you anyway.
Derek started spreading nasty rumors about you, how you are a liar, how you are a whore. He tells anyone and everyone who will listen that you can't be trusted. He turns your best friends and colleagues against you.
You have not really talked to Mark since that weekend when Derek was alone. Since Mark saw the marks on your hip, you have barely seen him and you don't think that's an accident.
You think Mark might have told Derek about your suspicious bruising, and so he's keeping him out of your reach.
Since you don't work at the hospital anymore, the only people you see day-to-day are at your practice in New York, and Derek has charmed even the secretary not to be friends with you.
You see people every day but you're still lonely.
You have a husband who says he loves you and you say you love back, but all you feel is empty inside except for the pit you always have in your stomach from not knowing when the next outburst will happen. Usually, it's within a few hours.
It always used to be at your house, but Derek has gotten more creative about beating you up at your workplace as well.
He's a co-owner, just like you all are, so he has the keys to your office as well.
He checks your schedule and when there's no one else, he corners you in your office and he pulls down the shades.
Everyone just assumes that you're 'getting laid'.
You're getting laid down on your back with your hands in the air.
He throws you to the ground after he slams against the wall.
Everyone hears that, probably, and assumes it's a steamy makeout.
It's a sweaty session for him, mauling you with his fists and his feet.
He takes off your clothes, not to sleep with you, but so you won't rip them up and have to change into others mid-day.
He does everything to make sure he's not caught in the act.
Everyone thinks he doesn't want to get caught in the act of making love to you.
He doesn't want to get caught making it clear his way of loving you is really hurting you.
You used to almost want him to beat you because he'd make it up to you with kisses and cuddles and sex.
He doesn't do all that anymore very often, or hardly ever at all.
He just hurts you while he tells you he loves you and he pulls on your hair until you say it back.
When you ask why he hurts you if he loves so much, he tells you that you are insane, and that you're mentally unwell, and that you're not worth it to be loved by anybody but him.
Derek tells you you're more worthless than a piece of trash.
It takes you years to call his behavior 'a piece of trash,'.
Derek just leaves you high and dry in your office, he goes about his day without any consoling at all. He says you're not a baby anymore. He says you don't need to be treated like a damn child. He says '"grow up, stop acting out, get over yourself, Addison. You're just an attention-seeking slut who wants sex all the time. Go away. Get out of my face, or I'll kick you again."
You go to walk away, he grabs your wrist and slams the door behind you.
He smirks on his way out like he's won the lottery.
No one walks in after him because he tells them you're fucked out and you need some time to put your clothes on again.
You do need a minute, he's right, to put your clothes back on.
But it's not as if you were having orgasms when he was tearing them off of you in the first place.
You used to think of the hot sex as the best part of your dynamic.
Now he usually leaves you out in the cold without all of it.
The only times he touches you are to lay a hand on you.
He doesn't let anyone else touch you or he beats up on you twice over.
You feel so deprived of human touch and connection, you start to crave even the beatings because at least then someone wants something to do with your body.
You don't feel desirable because he says that you aren't.
You don't feel smart anymore because he says you're stupid.
You don't feel good anymore because he says you're a terrible person.
You don't feel like you're worth loving anymore because he says even to him, that you're hardly worth loving, and that you're just a burden.
You don't feel like you're a person anymore, because he says you're the reincarnation of Satan.
The next time Mark Sloan notices the bruises on your hips, Derek is away on a research grant again.
This time you take your shirt off and you take your pants off in front of Mark.
You lay bare your broken body just to show someone the damn truth for once.
Mark says that he's sorry and he asks what he can do for you.
You ask him to make love to you because you have not felt loved in long past eons ago.
Mark says he doesn't know if he could do that to his childhood best friend, Derek, no matter how much he's attracted to you, no matter how fond of you he's always been, no matter how jealous he's always been of your best friend.
You tell Mark that as a friend, that you love him, too.
Mark tells you that as a friend, that he loves you, too. And that he's always secretly loved you as more than that, also. He tells you all the things Derek used to say to you.
When Mark calls you beautiful, you take his hands and move his wrists to the marks on your hips and you ask him to kiss you and to hold you and to cuddle you and to cradle you in his arms after he makes love to you.
Mark asks what he'll tell Derek after this happens.
You tell him Derek will never have to find out.
Mark agrees because he thinks Derek is far from New York.
Mark could not have ever been more wrong in his life about that fact.
You're in the Brownstone, now. It's one of yours and Derek's shared properties.
You've led him up to Derek's bedroom that you sometimes share with him, dropping his jacket on the damn floor.
You've sat him down on Derek's bed, taking all of your clothes off, and even more.
You've taken all of everything, and you're taking off his clothes as well.
You ask Mark to kiss you again, and this time, he does, because he actually really wants to, because he wants you that way, too, and he says that he always has.
You wish you'd picked him instead of Derek.
You ask Mark to make love to you, and this time, he does, because he actually really wants to, because he wants you that way, too, and he says that he always has.
You wish you'd chosen him instead of Derek.
You ask Mark to keep going as long as he can last, and this time, because he actually really wants to, because he wants you that way, too, and he says that he always has.
You wish you'd loved him instead of Derek.
When Derek Christopher Shepherd walks in on both of you naked in his bed together, right in the throes, he politely asks Mark to leave and to take his damn jacket home.
Mark does, and he gives you only a grunt when he leaves you alone with your husband.
Derek waits until Mark is long gone so he can give you your punishment.
You know this will be the punishment of a lifetime.
You know you're about to meet your maker - but will this be for the very last time in your life?
You don't remember what happened after that.
All you remember is Derek breaking a bottle of beer over your head completely on purpose.
And then he beat you with it until you saw white and black.
You were out cold on his bedroom floor for so long, that when you woke up, it was morning,
You open your eyes and you don't get to blink them again before he's hitting you again.
Derek Christopher Shepherd is punching, and kicking, and scratching, and cutting, and scraping you, and dragging you across the floor by your hair.
You don't remember what happened after that.
All you remember is that the second time you blacked out, you weren't sure if you were ever coming back out of it alive again.
***** END OF CHAPTER FOUR
Author's Note:
*Author's notes have been added on June 2, 2020, to reflect feedback from comments. Some of the replies were copied here:
A previous version of this text said 'boyfriend' in relevance to Derek. No, Addison was not cheating on Derek until she did with Mark, this was an error and has since been edited to have the word 'husband' to make that more clear.
Yes, Addison does enjoy the sex with Derek. Addison also enjoys it with Mark before she is interrupted (by Derek...). Canonically, I think Addison does have a penchant for rough sex anyway...
-Addison likes sex in general, and has a combination of liking rough sex (I feel like that's canonical anyway at this point, given the scene we got with Mark in PP and also her dating Kevin, which immediately brought up thoughts of Addison in handcuffs it was implied...), and liking sex because it comes periodically as an end to the beatings. Either way, she does want the sex when she asks for it and Derek wants to have sex with Addison when he offers it. Neither is forcing the other to have sex, but sometimes Derek deprives Addison of sex. (Is that more clear?)
At this point in the story she still loves sex with Derek and that is part of why she stays so long, because Derek gives her just enough sex for her to cling on to him.
(It's very manipulative and cold, but no, Derek is not forcing himself upon her when she doesn't want sex, nor is she forcing Derek to have sex when he doesn't want to.)
-Mark doesn't know what Derek is capable of because Derek lies to Mark and says Addison is a liar in a form of double barrelled-gaslighting; he tells everyone around her not to trust Addison, including Mark, and Derek tells Addison she can't believe even herself until she doubts her own memories and experiences.
-Mark as Derek's best friend of many years still wants to believe his best friend.
-Addison even wants to protect Mark from knowing the truth about his best friend because, as a friend, she also loves Mark.
Yes, the timeline is really hard to articulate, because it's hard to pinpoint exactly when they started their practice in New York and when they all finished medical school.
I realize that opening up a practice and leaving it within a year doesn't make a lot of sense, but I guess it had to happen given the way the last chapter ended.
Anyway, aside from that I hope you enjoyed this next installment of this story.
Leave a note, the comments have been really positive and also helpful when there is any inconsistency.
Yes, this story will get better, eventually, probably?
Thanks,
bobbiejelly
Dedications, May 31, 2020:
EVERYONE WHO READS THIS SO FAR AND COMMENTS, LIKES, FAVORITES, FOLLOWS, ADDS TO READING LIST ETC.
Ao3:
AddisonAddek for the Comments.
Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Hotgitay for the Kudos.
1 Subscription. 10 Hits. 4 Comment Threads.
Fanfiction:
Anne for the Review.
rhi bradley, for the Follow.
169 Hits.
Wattpad:
new_being, outlawqueenpercabeth, arizonaslesbianism, for the comments and stars. JordynMarie05, addiesrep, danielaperezsurga, for the votes so far.
79 Reads, 16 Votes, 34 comments. Many people, who added this to their reading lists.
AND THANKS TO EVERYONE ELSE, WHO READS THIS, EVER!
Ps. New MerAdd fics are up or updated, recently:
Prom?
101 McDalmatians
Five Reasons We Knew Calzona Was Made For Each Other & Five + More 6 Sentence Fics
Move Over, Derek!
... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:
Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery) Falling Apart, Barely Breathing Soothe A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition Out Of The Dark
Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!
bobbiejelly
