Author's Note:

Thanks for the feedback on the last ones!

Glad you liked that Mark stayed Addison's friend. Glad you liked the dream parts at the end :).

Here is a new one, just for you!

bobbiejelly


CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:

SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.

MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD SO CHOOSE WHAT YOU NEED.

It gets worse before it gets better. Not much else to say, here? IDK.

bobbiejelly


Love The Way You Lie


Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway.

-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey

MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover.

CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek.

*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*


Chapter 8: RELAPSE


You realize you shouldn't be able to live without lies.

You realize you shouldn't probably love without Derek Shepherd, your husband, even just in a friendship way, in a platonic way, in a brotherly way of everyone in that delivery room when you got to meet Sam and Naomi's new daughter, Maya Bennett, and they pronounced she is and always will be your godchild.

You realize, years later, that this was the calm before a much, much, much bigger storm…

After the birth of Sam and Naomi's child Maya, all of you stay in the room together for a while, including your brother Archer, as well.

Throughout the entire day, you can feel Archer's eyes on you, as if daring you to 'say something, anything, tell them the truth…'

A part of you wants to.

A part of you wants them to know.

A part of you wants this all to be over, with Derek's antic's exposed, with Mark's heroism exposed, with the bare-bottom truth of your adultery in plain light to see…

There are many complications and confusion(s) surrounding your current situation. On the one hand, you want someday to divorce Derek because even if a broken part of you still loves him, you know that a less broken part of you is healed enough to know, now, that you're much happier not being beaten up all the time.

But there's the part of you that still fears him, that is still owned by Derek, that is still fed by his lies.

You realize that your recovery could hardly be called a 'recovery,' without a relapse.

You realize you sound like an addict and you realize that you are, indeed, a junkie, of sorts.

Something's messed up in your head because you crave your husband like a fucking' drug.

You want him, you need him. You don't know if you can go on without him.

And it's sick that all these battles are what keeps you satisfied…

You call him.

You call Derek again.

You call him again and again.

You don't tell your brother you're calling him, because you don't want him to hate you for having him protect you whe you're doing the very opposite for yourself.

You don't call Mark, because you don't want to explain how he knocked you up and you ended it without him having been able to get a word in edgewise about it.

But you call Derek Shepherd. You ask where the hell he even is because you know if he's been in New York the whole time he would have found you by now.

You wonder if he's abandoned you and your marriage.

You wonder if he's forgotten about you.

You wonder if he's moved on altogether…

The idea of Derek having a new partner, technically 'on the side,' other than you makes you swell up with many mixed emotions inside of you.

On the one hand, you like the idea that he's not trying to worm his way back into your life, on the other hand, you're jealous of whoever he could love instead of you.

On the one hand, you like that you're not his whipping point, on the other hand, you miss his touch and even his roughness from time to time.

On the one hand, you hate him. On the other hand, you still love him.

On the one hand, you hate yourself for hating him. On the other hand, you hate yourself for loving him.

Either way, you hate yourself even more than you hate your husband, Derek.

Derek doesn't answer you.

Neither does Mark the one time you break down and call him instead.

You're in the basement of Sam and Naomi's place when you break down and call Mark.

They've been home with the baby for the first two days now and they've been letting you crash in their spare room to give Archer some space to bring guests home.

Guests. Plural- (An orgy, you wonder?). You try not to be jealous that he's getting some and you're not.

That never really goes away, and that's probably why you finally called Mark, because you wondered if your chances of getting laid from him were higher than your chances of getting Derek back at that moment...

You never reach either of them, though, and you're starting to realize you're almost outstaying your welcome.

You take care of Maya as much as you can to let Sam and Naomi sleep after their first child is born.

You can't go shopping or anything but you change their daughter and you feed their daughter and you put her down when she cries.

You do your very best to be 'Auntie Addison,' and you really do like the feeling of 'being a mom,' for a while.

You wonder if you'll ever have children, for real, and actually keep them.

You think you'll even settle for one child.

You want at least one, though. You want a kid to raise as your own. You want to be a mom.

You're just not sure you've met the right father, yet, and you hate yourself for knowing that Mark was not the right father for you in your lifetime, and you hate yourself more for starting to realize you're not sure if you'd want a child with your husband, Derek Shepherd, either...

You never get through to Derek, but you do get through to Adele Webber, Richard Webber's wife.

You call her and ask Adele how she is. She tells you it's the same old, that she has her husband back only because the woman he's been having an affair with is apparently traveling the world and writing a book.

Adele never tells you who that 'other woman,' in her marriage is.

You don't ever ask her.

Adele tells you never to tell anyone she knows about her husband's everlasting affair.

You tell her you won't ever tell a damn soul.

Adele believes you. You believe Adele.

You realize you two have so much more in common than you'd like to acknowledge…

You ask her where she is. Adele tells you she's in Seattle.

You ask where Richard Webber is.

Adele tells you they live together in a house in Seattle.

You take a deep breath.

This is it, now or never, the moment your life will change or it won't.

"Do you know where Derek Christopher Shepherd is?" You ask Adele that day when she's already told you her own husband Richard isn't listening.

"Derek is my husband's new hire. He's Seattle Grace Hospital's newest Attending neurosurgeon. He's moving from New York to Seattle soon. Derek's coming to live not far from us…" Adele reveals to you.

Years later, you'll swear to Adele that all of this was never her fault, that you'd have found out otherwise even if she had not told you where your husband was without knowing what would happen to you once you found all that out…

You ask if she thinks Richard might offer you a job alongside your husband.

Adele says that as a retired nurse, that she thinks you'd be a great addition to the SGH staff, but that she would never try to force an opinion on 'the Chief of Surgery,' who is also her husband.

You understand the difference, and you tell her such, just as much.

Adele asks you if you're coming to get your damn husband back.

You tell her you are not sure yet because you aren't.

You never tell her anything about Derek's behavior, and Adele doesn't ask you and you're grateful for that.

Adele just knows you're lonely, and you know that she's lonely, and you relate to each other on the level of the lonely housewives.

Adele tells you to say hi if you do come by.

You promise that, hypothetically, you sure will.

You realize that as you promise this, that you're practically engraving your future in stone…

You hang up the phone when Adele says she's got to go.

You call Mark, he doesn't answer.

You call Derek, he doesn't answer.

You call Archer, he doesn't answer, either.

You tell Sam and Naomi that you're leaving for a while.

You don't tell them where to, but they can tell by the look on your face.

Sam asks what you're going to do once you get to 'wherever you're going,'.

You tell him you're going to ask for a divorce, because you are, or at least at that moment that you think that you are.

Sam asks you while Naomi is asleep for you to tell him your whole story for real.

When you do, Sam says that it's hard to believe you.

You tell Sam you don't believe it all yourself, anyway.

You call Richard Webber at his office, and you pretend you never called Adele, and he's none the wiser.

You ask Richard if he might have a place for 'someone like you,' on his staff, and Richard gushes about a TTTS baby case that he'd love you to try your hand at.

Richard confides in you about his past affair, and tells you that only you and Derek know the truth, and asks you to swear never to tell anyone about it, especially not Adele.

You never tell Webber what you did to Derek (you cheated), you never Webber what he's done to you (a whole lot of things...), and Webber never asks for your life story anyway.

You bite your lip not to groan out in irony about hiding your 'new boss's affair,' as you do promise, and Richard Webber believes you in that you won't rat him out to his wife because you know and he knows you won't ever do that.

You hate that you feel drunk off the power of finally knowing more than other people for once in your damn life.

You hate the part of you that likes the control you know you have over this couple of people.

You hate that you like that you feel in charge and nor workless or weak while you talk to Adele and Richard Webber.

You ask Richard that if he, as the Chief of Surgery if he'd be interested in hiring you.

Richard leaps and tells you 'yes,' almost right away.

You're shocked and you have to ask him six times if he's not faking it to you.

Richard isn't, and you stop begging because he tells you he's already said yes.

You realize this is the first time you've felt wanted by anyone other than by Archer or Derek or Mark or Sam or Naomi or Maya in a very long time, even though this is entirely different because it's for your surgical skills and no more.

You realize that it's not different at all.

Archer wants you because you're his sister and he's your brother and you're all you have in your family of 'strange and stranger Montgomeries,'.

Derek wants you because he's your husband and he loves you and he wants to give sex to you and you want him to give sex to you and you wanted more with him at some point.

Mark wants you because he loves you, too, as your friend and more and you hate how flattered you are that both Mark and Derek like you in 'that way,'. And you realize how much of a slut and a whore you are. And you don't stop anyway.

You realize that Sam, Naomi, and Maya, all want you as a friend but that you give them support and friendship and comfort. Objectively you make all their lives easier because you cook and clean and do everything you can to 'earn your keep,' because you know and they know now that you're practically 'squatting,' in their guest room because you still can't make rent.

Sam tells Naomi bits of your story and Sam tells Naomi to ask you herself if she doesn't believe her own husband because Sam knows it's hard to hear, and Naomi nods, and you're not mad because he is her husband, and he's actually a good person and a good husband to your best friend.

You realize as you live with them both that they never hit each other, or call each other names, or make each other want to run out the damn door.

You realize you've never lived with anybody who's had such a normal healthy relationship before, even though they say they're hardly perfect and you try hard to believe them.

Naomi confronts you like you knew that she would.

Nai asks you to tell her the story yourself.

Your best friend tells you she wants to believe you but she believes Mark and Derek more because at least the two of them agree on the facts and it's both of them against you.

You ask her, as your best friend, to back you up.

Naomi says that she will because you're all alone and she is still, your person.

You ask her not to do it out of pity.

Naomi looks away from you, then.

You tell her that as your best friend, that you still love her, as a friend.

Naomi says it back to you, but you can hear the wariness in her voice, as she does.

You take this as your cue to leave Sam and Naomi's, and you wave goodbye one last time, and you kiss your godchild Maya on the top of her head one last time as you walk out the door one last time.

As you do this, you know you're not sure if you're ever coming back here, if you're ever coming back to New York or even to LA where they might move to California to start their own practice.

You realize, that once you leave this place, and you leave them, and Archer and Mark all behind…

You realize that once you leave New York City that the decision is final.

You call Archer, Mark, and Derek but you don't get an answer.

You rent a car to move out to Seattle the very next day.

You drive and drive and drive, and you never look back.

You can't wait to catch up with Adele Webber as you promised her, as a friend.

You can't wait to catch up with Richard Webber as you promised him, as his new employee.

You can't wait to make your own money again and start repaying your debts, to literally fucking everyone.

You realize you're looking forward to ending things with Derek for once and for all, but you realize that once you see him your confidence might waver and you might take him back with you, instead.

You find 'Seattle Grace Hospital,' where you know Richard Webber hired your husband, Derek Christopher Shepherd to work, on your cheap GPS.

You take the exit on the third try and you find the correct parking lot.

You park your car. You lock the car doors. You walk alone, into the night, and into Seattle.


***** END OF CHAPTER EIGHT


Author's Note:

This chapter is highly inspired by AddisonAddek's "Blue Eyes," which I won't spoiler for you, but AddisonAddek, you'll know what I mean by that and that's enough for me, now. That work has been added as an inspired work on Ao3, and I encourage checking that out :D.

Also, if you know Eminem/Rhianna/Skylar Gray, then you might have noticed this…

"And it's sick that all these battles are what keeps you satisfied…"

This is a line taken from "Love The Way You Lie," parts 2 and 3.

Those songs are about the woman's perspective in an abusive relationship-

And I think that line really fits here to how Addison had been feeling.

SOOO, we're in Seattle now.

Some of you have offered predictions as to where this might have been going after the last chapter.

Some of you were/are probably right, congratulations. I didn't want to do the LA thing at this point because I'm writing that in 'Out of The Dark,' and I realize that I've never…

Never mind, I'll write the end of that later. I don't give spoilers for my own damn story.

(Not that I even know for sure what I'm doing, anyway, even if I wanted to.)

Let me know what you think of this one, yeah I know some of you might be ADDISAM fans, but I was not going to go in that direction here right after Maya Bennett was born because that would be a whole lot of hectic and I think fictional Maya deserves a better early childhood than that.

And I wanted to show Addison being motherly, because I think that's a key part of her being, and I also like being semi canon-compliant…

Anyways, hope to chat with you in the reviews. CHEERS! And much thanks.

bobbiejelly


Dedications, June 4, 2020, Chapter 8:

EVERYONE WHO READS THIS SO FAR AND COMMENTS, LIKES, FAVORITES, FOLLOWS, ADDS TO READING LIST ETC.

Ao3:

AddisonAddek for the phenomenal Comments. Can't thank you enough!

KyHasNoLife, Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Hotgitay and 1 guest, for the Kudos.

1 Subscription. 132 Hits. 5 Kudos. 8 Comment Threads. 0 Bookmarks.

Fanfiction:

rhi bradley and Anne for the Reviews.

kaipulani for the Favs.

rhi bradley, kaipulani, FightSong, for the Follows.

632 Hits.

Wattpad:

Ty- arizonaslesbianism, danielaperezsurga, new_being, outlawqueenpercabeth, for the SPECTACULAR comments and stars. JordynMarie05, addiesrep, rene418, for the votes so far.

250 Reads, 40 Votes, 144 Comments. Many people, who added this to their reading lists.

AND THANKS TO EVERYONE ELSE, WHO READS THIS, EVER!

Ps. Thanks to those of you who have PM'd reviews of this work, also!

Special thanks to everyone who has followed me as an author, added me to your favorites, read everything and anything I've ever published. There are more and more of you who invest in my work like that every day, and it warms my heart. My dearest thanks to you all.


Ps. New MerAdd fics are up or updated, recently:

Bubble All Too Easy

Prom?

101 McDalmatians

Five Reasons We Knew Calzona Was Made For Each Other & Five + More 6 Sentence Fics

Move Over, Derek!

... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:

Falling Apart, Barely Breathing

Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery) Soothe A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition Out Of The Dark

Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!

bobbiejelly