Author's Note:

Spoilers through GA-S2-E2. But you're probably long past that anyway, right?

Do I need to give spoiler alerts for things that happened over a decade ago?

Well, I guess it's more of a hint than anything, really, at this point?

"Lights will guide you home..."

-Coldplay.

There is a supposedly very good fanfiction about a HAPPY ADDEK with that title on Fanficion that I have not yet read, but if you wanted to try reading something that shows Derek with Addison in a happy light you could try that and/or read something by AddisonAddek, who I am shouting out to, here because they deserve many compliments for their support of this work and also their own.

Second personal shoutout goes to Arizonaslesbianism on Wattpad who has commented on every damn chapter and who has a MerAdd story out "The Lesbian Lovers," which is shaping up really nicely, you can check that one out all the same.

And thirdly, TheNetflixGal has written "I've missed you," for the meddison fandom and that's a nice classic.

So, without further ado... Here is Chapter 14!

bobbiejelly


CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:

SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.

MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD SO CHOOSE WHAT YOU NEED.

Umm, not sure if this requires a content warning but there's mention of the patient Mr. Hubble from Season Two who had some Judy dolls stuck up his…

Anyway, the rest of it is all very psychologically internal.

And through inherent manipulation and control?

bobbiejelly


Love The Way You Lie


Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway.

-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey

MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover.

CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek.

*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*


Chapter 14: FIX YOU


The elevator dings on the 22nd floor and you walk into your room and take a shower then slump down on the bed.

You realize this is one of the first nights you've spent alone in ages, because you've been bouncing from your parents' place to yours and Naomi's place, to the real Hampton's to the Brownstone, to Mark's place, to Archer's place, to Sam and Naomi's and finally Joe's bar floor.

And now you're all alone and you've never felt more empty than ever before.

You wonder if Derek is fucking Meredith now?

You fall asleep, very late into the night, and still wondering.

When you wake up to your alarm you're happy you've at least gotten a few hours of shut-eye before the new dawn of the day begins.

You're glad that your workday mostly involves checking in on Julie after her TTTS surgery and being on-call for any additional emergencies.

It's light, for a workday but you know not to jinx it. You don't get to have Dr. Grey on your service today because you technically don't have a service because you're technically only part-time still.

Whatever. You're technically not even interested in Meredith Grey. Right?

You're up early enough to take a bath, but you don't because you don't want to get your sutures soaking wet.

So you just get ready and make your way to the hospital while you prepare for all the eventualities of what will happen when you do see your husband.

You park your car as you see the two… BoyfriendAndGirlfriend's? Arguing in front of the entryway.

Derek doesn't spy you when you first see him from your car talking to HER (Meredith).

He seems like he's trying to win her over again but she looks like she's pulling away.

"Good girl", you think you'll say to her if you get the chance to say that to her, in private.

You're not quite close enough to hear what they're saying, but you hear your name mentioned alongside Mark's so you know he's probably talking all about the cheating.

Of course, he's going to talk up your downsides to make you the adulterous slut.

Well, you are one.

Yeah, well so is he, isn't he…?

Doesn't that make Meredith also an adulterous whore?

She didn't know the difference, she's not a homewrecker by choice, it was an accident…

You try to shut up your own inner thought argument as you peer out the window some more.

Meredith is yelling something about a "plug," a "sink," and an "open drain," and you're wondering how all of that might have connected to your threesome-but-not situation because it seems pretty far from what you might have expected.

Years later, Meredith might tell you that had you been listening only a few minutes later, you would have heard her call you showing up being "all leggy and fabulous and telling her the truth yourself about your marriage with Derek," but you have no way of knowing that, now…

You park around the back without them noticing you and you walk into the hospital without an ounce of regret about not stopping to talk to the two of them, then.

You're surprised when you're paged to a patient room from the Chief of Surgery and you realize the page is from Richard Webber's hospital room.

Derek never told you he was operating on his mentor, but Derek never tells you anything ever, you think, so that's not at all the most surprising thing of this day.

"You called my wife?!" You hear Derek exclaim.

It's rather rude, you think, seeing as your husband took you in a scan room just yesterday.

"Well, you called mine!" Richard insists as he points to Adele.

You wince because you're sure you're going to get put in the middle of all of this shit.

Apparently, Derek snitched to Adele that Richard was sick and he's angry about Webber calling you out of the blue.

You're happy to see Richard Webber is doing better, because he's probably the only person who actually still believes in you (in a professional matter, though Miranda Bailey seemed also proud…).

Derek threatens that he's not discharging Richard without the support of Adele.

Derek threatens a lot of things, though apparently when it's in a medical way, nobody finds it scary just a little smug and potentially condescending...

You think it's ridiculous he's projecting the opposite solution to their fucked-up marriage than he is to yours-and-his own, but it's Derek, after all, and even Richard and Adele agree with him.

You walk in the room and compliment Adele Webber, and she smiles at you.

You're happy to see Adele Webber on this little trip, because you feel like you two are old friends.

You know Derek is probably going to get mad at you for that but you don't want to ice Adele out.

Adele says, "I told Richard you and Derek would be getting back together."

You realize that Adele wants you to be happy and she doesn't know that you secretly want the very opposite of what you implied when you asked her...

Derek says, "Addison and I are over... practically divorced", and that "adultery is enough to end it," but you know that he's not going to actually 'end it,' he's just putting on a show for Richard and also Adele.

If Derek would just end it you wouldn't be in this mess...

You leave the room then, and you can still hear Adele tell Derek to "give her [aka you] a chance.

As Derek leaves the room right behind you, he tells Adele to "keep him in line". You can see through the glass that Richard doesn't look happy about this.

You feel bad for both Adele and Richard and whoever the other woman in THEIR marriage is, but you're not sure you can take on any more troubles when you have so many of those on your own...

You think it's pretty ironic that Derek is telling a woman to keep a man in line when he feels the damn opposite about himself towards both you AND Meredith.

But again, you pretend you didn't hear any of that as you walk far away from all of it as you possibly can.

You always run. You wonder if Meredith is also a runner. You should probably stop thinking so much about Meredith…

You watch the Grey girl all day from a distance.

She's on a case with Miranda Bailey with a bowel obstruction of a man who…

Well, the patient man, he needed surgery, and you don't want to think about the rest of those dolls' (heads?!).

You see Meredith holding the films with her delicate fingers from the hallway and you try not to picture those soft hands over your skin.

You watch her staring at Derek even after she's left him or not left him, or talking about plumbing fixtures with him this morning and you realize you probably looked, still look, will always look at your husband the very same way.

Meredith stares at Derek over her intern friend's shoulder the same way that you did over Sam and Naomi's shoulder for the longest time and she has the same fascinated, curious, slightly nervous look that you always had when you bought into his intrigue.

In a lot of ways, it's an out-of-body experience as you see your own history repeating itself with this woman who is currently ten years younger than you, over ten years later meeting Derek than you, the only difference is really the Settle-versus-New-York part of your differing trajectories.

You watch him seduce Meredith in the same way he seduced you when you first started dating him.

You watch her try to leave him the same way you once tried to leave him.

It doesn't stick though, it didn't for you and you know it probably won't for Meredith, either.

You sigh. You're not a sink with an open drain. You're the sink that's being force-fed murky water full of your own liquid fuck-ups that's never repaired only further and more deeply damaged.

You wonder when you'll reach your damn tipping point, and you wonder, in this metaphor if Derek will ever 'turn the taps off,' before your metaphorical bowl springs a leak or maybe three.

But then you feel the blood coming out of your still-tender stomach wounds and you're sure you're going to be used up until you break down even more, anyway.

You see Meredith gives her friends damn good relationship advice in the outdoor cafeteria.

Meredith tells one of them (George?") he should be clear with his once-hookup (Olivia?) so that he's not just leading her on.

You think that it's a bit strange that Meredith is dispensing this sage wisdom of sorts while she still lusts over a married man, but then again, you know it's a lot easier to talk the talk than to walk the walk in one's own life, all the time.

You're still at least sort of-lusting over your own husband's ex-mistress/current girlfriend so it's not like you have anything to say for yourself in this regard, either.

When you check up on Julie, the TTTS patient, she doesn't say a word to you about her own love triangle, or her own outburst, or your outburst yesterday, and you don't bring up any of that with her at all.

You keep it professional, and so does she, and you realize after she's discharged you won't have any reason to stay in Seattle anymore…

You want to stay to save Meredith. You want to stay for more even, maybe a friendship? With Meredith. You forgot to think about what you want or even don't want about Derek and you should really get a grip on these thoughts…

You realize you should never take the elevators in here because Derek seems to use them to entrap people (you) in them to have conversations with people (does he do this with her, too) that they don't want to have with him but they can't leave because they're moving on the damn elevator.

Derek is inside the elevator and you make the mistake and walk in next to him.

You're not sure why you do this, but he did give you sex yesterday, so you're a bit placated just like all the other times he bribed you preemptively with sex...

You ask him about telling Meredith what happened to break you two up.

You're being bold here because the Grey girl is involved and she makes you feel braver...

Derek says he did talk to her about it.

You ask him what he says but he doesn't tell.

He asks what you told her.

You know you can't get away with not telling him when he asks.

Damn double-standards. Derek always has double standards. You always pull the short straw...

You say, "Sometimes people do desperate things to attract attention."

You go back to the sex idea because that seemed to work for you yesterday.

Derek says, "What? Wow. That's your side of this? That I didn't pay you enough attention? Is that what you were thinking when you were getting naked with my best friend?"

Best friend. You forgot the best friend part. You care enough about both Mark and Derek you still want them to have a best friend...

You lie and say that 'by that point, you were just scratching an itch.'

You don't want Derek to ever know you may or may not have had feelings for Mark.

You continue, "We got successful...we got busy, we got lazy, we didn't even bother to fight anymore...and Mark was there and I missed you. And now I'm sorry, I'm more sorry than you can possibly imagine."

You lay it on really thick in his favor and you don't talk about what Mark said he felt about you.

Derek presses the elevator buttons so that it goes faster. He walks out of the elevator and says, "I'm a sink with an open drain, Addie".

You don't say anything else because you know he's right and that he totally is.

Derek can let his problems with you and his problems with Meredith flow through him like a river.

But you can't seem to pull the plug when it gets so bad you can't see.

Later on, you see that Meredith is tending to her patient who just had his bowel resection.

She's been talking with lots of other very interesting people all day but all you can ever focus on is just her...

The patient asks if they were able to get all the doll heads out. She says they were but it was not easy or pleasant. He says now he feels empty. Meredith tells him she has been feeling a little empty herself.

You feel more than empty, you feel overflowingly full. You're not sure what's worse, but either way, you want to take her emptiness pain all away...

He says he can see it. Meredith asks how doll heads fill him, what the satisfaction is. He asks, "Do you really want to know?" Meredith changes her mind and says, "Maybe I'm better left in the dark."

You want to say to her that you're sorry, that Derek is making her feel terrible in this way…

Meredith catches you watching and gives you a look in her eyes.

You don't know what it means, but you smile and you look away and you leave again.

Meredith doesn't follow you.

You end up following her, later, instead.

When you sneak by the Operating room window of the case you know your husband is in on, Derek is performing the surgery on the organ donor as George observes. Burke is in the gallery watching. He leaves revealing Meredith standing behind him. She is watching Derek very intently…

You're watching both of them, very intently...

You hear Derek say stuff to Meredith, after the others (George and Burke), are finally gone.

This time she can't just walk away because he's her teacher and she's his student and you realize he's trapping her in the O.R like he trapped you in the elevator.

Bastard. He plays the same tricks on both of you. You know them all and you're still standing prey…

Meredith says she has a whole lot of issues and problems and that she's now a big and wide-open empty metaphorical sink with a drain that's in need of repair.

Derek says 'I will try, to fix you, the very best that I can,".

Meredith swoons and falls for it.

You do too, and it's not even directed at you, but you liked it too.

Your husband/her boyfriend is like that.

He likes broken people so he can crack them more and they don't notice anything else is even wrong.

When he finally leaves the room, you can see her holding back tears from rolling right down on her face.

You look both ways to make sure he is gone before you walk into the gallery and push on the intercom and you say that you're sorry.

Meredith doesn't jump when she sees you, and you take comfort in that little fact.

She doesn't seem to mind that you'd witnessed that conversation and that you're interjecting yourself.

You tell her he's said that he'll try to 'fix you,' too.

She asks you if he did.

You tell her you were too broken, to begin with.

She tells you the very same.

You tell Meredith Grey she doesn't seem broken to you.

She tells you that you don't seem broken to her, either.

Years later, you'll realize you could see through to each other through your similar scars

You want to say more, to Meredith, that she doesn't need another to 'fix her,' and that Derek will probably actually try to 'break her,' the way that he's beaten you down to a pulp.

You want to show her your physical scars, and let her stare at them, and decide for herself he's not worth it to her.

You want to tell her you'll take her in, most definitely at least just as a safe harbor friend.

You want to tell her you could be each other's metaphorical solution, that she feels like her sink is too empty and you feel like your sink is too full. You could shoulder your burden(s), with each other, so you feel like you're just filled enough…

But of course, you don't feel like you can say any of that now, so you don't.

Years later, you'll try to explain this to her, but both of you will have a hard time remembering the exact sink-related-metaphors...

You can see she's about to leave and potentially follow him, though, and you realize you should be the one to go home with him this time just to keep her away from him this one time.

Before she walks away though, you ask Meredith what Derek did say to her the last time she saw him.

Meredith explains to you from the O.R up to the gallery through the semi-shitty intercom that the first night he took her home from Joe's, he said you were drunk and you wanted to stay at the bar.

You nod because you don't want to get into that before she keeps explaining.

Then Meredith says that last night she drove out to his trailer on his land in Seattle and he explained you to her, and he told her about his/your best friend 'Mark Soan,' who she's never met and that you'd cheated on your husband with this man that he still hates and still loves.

You're surprised and also unsurprised that Derek talked about Mark to Meredith in this way…

You ask her if she left him. She sighs and says that she tried to. Sort of.

You really, really, really, do know the feeling…

Meredith asks you if you're leaving him, and not in a menacing or possessive way like you might have expected her to say, but in the same tone she was using with you when she asked you what your real name was…

You love that voice more than anything…

You sigh and say that you tried to. Sort of. Again.

It's the truth.

Meredith nods at you and you nod at her.

You want to say something more so you tell her, "you are enough, you know. Just you, without someone fixing you. No matter how broken you'd still be enough…"

You can see the tears streaming down her face now.

You gasp when you tell her you didn't ever want to make her hurt so that she cries.

Meredith tells you she's crying because you're the first person who's told her she's enough no matter what.

You say you're sorry.

She tells you her mother never told her that.

You flashback to the first time Derek Shepherd told you he loved you and that was the first time you heard that.

You flashback to the first time Mark Sloan told you you were beautiful and that was the first time you heard that.

You flashback to the first time Skippy Gold told you he wanted you in his life and that was the first time you heard that.

Meredith snaps you out of your thoughts to tell you, "you are enough, you know. Just you, without someone fixing you. No matter how broken you'd still be enough…"

You're not sure if she's just saying this because you said it to her, but when you ask her that she says she was going to say something like that to you, anyway.

You want to cry, too, because she's also the first person you've ever heard words like that from and it's not like Bizzy or The Captain or even Archer ever told you…

But you don't cry in front of people. You have not since you were two. You won't, can't, you're not sure anymore.

You just stand there and nod softly and sadly at her.

You wish you could hold her when she cries, but you know you can't like this, and you're already taking a risk disobeying a direct order from Derek never to talk to his girlfriend, ever, now...

You feel Meredith Grey watching you as you walk out of the operating room to track down your husband and tell him to take you home to his trailer.

And you wish you could explain to Meredith why you're purposely making sure that he's ditching her for your third night in Seattle.

You wish you could take away the pain you see on Meredith Grey's tender face when she realizes she's leaving the hospital tonight without either of you.

And you're very confused at the fact that she seems to have her eyes wandering to you and not just her boyfriend/your husband, Derek Shepherd.

Now, you both look back longingly at the same woman, Meredith Grey, and yet, you and Derek both just keep on walking and walking and also drifting further away.


***** END OF CHAPTER FOURTEEN


Author's Note:

Titular song reference is to "Fix You," by Coldplay, which I think is a beautiful musical piece, however, I find the lyrics quite problematic in the sense of a healthy relationship. "I will try, to fix you," implies that someone does not think their partner is good enough in their worst moments for them until they are less broken, and I think that that shows a lack of depth on their part; for a relationship to be stable, the commitment, I believe at least, needs to extend reciprocally in that even in a person's worst moments they are enough for the other without having to be 'repaired,'.

Feel free to agree to disagree with me on that one, but that's what I have thought in the past, and what I'm conveying here in this chapter. I'm open to the opposing views, always, though and I welcome discussions in the comments about musical lyrics, healthy vs/unhealthy fanfictional relationships, and the Addison/Meredith/Derek/Mark headfuck love triangle in this story and/or in Canon as well as in other stories.

Reference used for this one is GA-S2-E2 "Make Me Lose Control," and its respective Wikia page to remind me of what happened. Addison was hardly in that episode after all so it left a lot of room for this AU to take over, sort of. I'm reinterpreting the canonical dialogue here with the trope and I hope that's alright for you folks. This won't be the entire conception of this work, I promise I do have some more original stuff planned. But anyway, just so you know how this was all built…

Hope you enjoyed all the metaphors and the intercom O.R scene! I'm proud of those. This chapter was a lot of work that's why there's not a ton of posts today...

The second song reference is "Drifting Further Away," by Powderfinger, which was played in "Stairway to Heaven," on Grey's Season 5 Episode 13.

Let me know what you think of this chapter, have a great day, and take care!

bobbiejelly


Dedications, June 6, 2020, Chapter 14:

THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO READS THIS SO FAR AND COMMENTS, LIKES, FAVORITES, FOLLOWS, ADDS TO READING LIST ETC.

Ao3:

AddisonAddek for the phenomenal Comments. Can't thank you enough!

TheNetflixGal for the Comments.

TheNetflixGal, Illyiad, KyHasNoLife, Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Hotgitay, and 2 guests for the Kudos.

Subscriptions: 3 Hits: 204 Kudos: 8 Comment Threads: 15 Bookmarks: 0

Fanfiction:

rhi bradley and Anne for the Reviews.

kaipulani, , for the Favs.

rhi bradley, kaipulani, FightSong, , kjo2000, for the Follows.

1329 Hits.

Wattpad:

Ty- arizonaslesbianism (bonus!), danielaperezsurga, new_being, outlawqueenpercabeth, addiesrep, for the SPECTACULAR comments and stars. JordynMarie05, rene418, for the votes so far.

391 Reads, 65 Votes, 303 Comments. Many people, who added this to their reading lists.

AND THANKS TO EVERYONE ELSE, WHO READS THIS, EVER!

Ps. Thanks to those of you who have PM'd reviews of this work, also!

Special thanks to everyone who has followed me as an author, added me to your favorites, read everything and anything I've ever published. There are more and more of you who invest in my work like that every day, and it warms my heart. My dearest thanks to you all.


Ps. New MerAdd fics are up or updated, recently:

Derek Never Takes His Pants Off

RED is the new BLACK.

Cookies & Quickies Bubble All Too Easy

Prom?

... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:

Falling Apart, Barely Breathing

Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery) Soothe A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition Out Of The Dark

Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!

bobbiejelly