Author's Note:
Spoilers through GA-S2-E3.
Thanks for your patience with waiting an extra day!
Have a good one.
bobbiejelly
CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:
SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.
MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD SO CHOOSE WHAT YOU NEED.
Generally, the "Love The Way You Lie," Alternate Universe, Derek, is a dick. Apologies.
bobbiejelly
Love The Way You Lie
Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway.
-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey
MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover.
CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek.
*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*
Chapter 16: ALL ABOUT MY MOM
You wake up and it's daylight and you realize you've slept in.
You haven't slept through your alarm but you've slept enough that Derek Shepherd has gotten up early and gone to work with the car so you have to call a cab out here.
And you're pretty sure he's done this just to be an inconvenience.
It is. Extremely so. Unfortunately.
It's a nice day out.
If you were a free woman you might go jogging or something.
But you're not.
And you don't really jog, either, mostly because you're not really free.
You make yourself some bitter coffee as you wait for the taxi and you wash off your mug.
You never leave anything around you might need because you never know where you might end up next.
You pack your bag you always keep on you and you think maybe today will be the day you could leave him.
Maybe you could just ditch and go back to New York and live with Sam and Naomi for a while and work at the Practice they still have temporarily there before moving to LA, California, until you get back up on your feet.
They have a newborn and they're moving soon and they're already happy without you...
Or you could move in with Archer for a while.
All those people he brings home… Eek!
Or you could… No, you don't want to move back in with your parents.
You have a whole lot of problems but you don't need to layer on Bizzy Forbes and The Captain Montgomery and all the other 'strange Montgomeries,' that sometimes pass by that place.
Either way, you consider leaving for good.
But what about Meredith Grey?!
You could do it, you think. You could just run and hide and maybe change your name or something.
Could you just take care of yourself for once? Is that a crime if you leave Meredith with Derek? You think if probably would be, especially if you change your name so he or she can't find you again...
But you know you probably won't do that last part. Your mother is very proud of you being a 'Forbes,' and your father is very proud of being a 'Montgomery,' and you're only proud you have two names matching your brother's.
You could call him, Archer, that is. Or maybe Sam or Naomi.
Or hell, maybe even Mark Sloan.
Maybe he hates you less after all this time.
Probably not. You're not sure either way, though.
You pack yourself into the taxicab and hand the driver a fistful of twenties when you get out.
You're just on time and you run to catch up with the elevator and you realize as you step on that you're on it with Derek and also Ricahrd Webber.
Richard who is wearing… A hat?
You tell Richard it's a nice hat. It is. That's it, no deeper meaning to it.
"Satan speaks," Derek admonishes you in front of Richard as he looks back to the Chief.
"Actually, I prefer to be called 'Ruler Of All That Is Evil,' but I will answer to 'Satan,' you say because you know you have your boss as a buffer.
Richard laughs and Derek definitely does not.
And Derek just asks Richard "what is she doing here?" As if it were normal for him to speak to you this way after literally sleeping with you just hours prior to this interaction.
Richard says he asked you to stay because a pediatric surgery attending is on maternity leave.
You nod because it's true and you say that you need a consultation from Derek for one of your cases.
You leave the elevator and see those two bickering about something but you're just glad that you're gone for now even if they're probably still bickering over you.
You see Meredith talking to Cristina but you can't hear what they're saying and you don't want to pry into their friendship anyway because you know it's not your place to do so.
You're happy she has a friend because she needs one.
You need one, but you're not going to get greedy here.
Meredith looks stunning as ever, just in her light scrubs and talking with her friend.
Her voice is empathic when she talks and her eyes light up from time to time.
You never want that light in her eyes to go out.
You're pretty sure it's long gone out of yours.
You see Derek giving Meredith a look as he walks by her and she can't help but look at him back.
You know those looks.
Derek's saying, 'I still want you,' and you know that really means, 'I still own you,' but you think she might not know that part yet.
Derek still owns you, too, and you know that for sure.
You think that you're having a bad day, again, and you think that Meredith is having a bad day today, also.
You never thought in a million years how things were about to get much, much, much, worse for Meredith Grey in a way you never would have expected...
Bailey is saying there could be a diverticulitis case and you realize you could be called in to consult so you head to the pit as fast as you can.
When you get there, all you hear is screaming from an older female voice.
You don't know what to think of it all but you walk quickly in its direction.
A taller dirty-blonde-haired older woman is yelling "amateurs, you're all amateurs!" At everyone around her, and refusing to be touched by anyone but the Chief of Surgery.
You see Yang reading off the chart, "patient name…" Then trailing off for some reason and you see Meredith go as pale as a sheet.
'What's Meredith's story with this newly admitted patient?' You wonder. You're about to find out...
Apparently, the patient has Alzheimer's and you're still not sure who it is, yet. Bailey asks for Cristina to say her name and she opens her mouth to do so before the patient starts wailing at Meredith.
"What the hell are you doing here? ... How many times have I told you not to bother me when I'm at work!" The patient bellows, and Meredith backs herself into a corner.
When Cristina says to Bailey, "it's Ellis Grey," you finally put the pieces together that this is Meredith's mother, and that she's not happy to see her daughter, and she also does not seem totally lucid.
You flashback to the conversations you had with Meredith the other day in the scrub room, how she talked about her mother never telling her that she's enough, and how you empathized with this fact, and now you know a little more about what she means by that.
You've heard of Ellis Grey before, about the 'Ellis Grey Method,' and Bailey's mentioned it to you. You've also heard from Bailey that Meredith doesn't like living under a shadow.
You now see how even without Derek around, Meredith had been living under a metaphorical storm cloud for a while and it's just now that this storm has passed overhead.
Meredith is hiding behind the corner of a wall, and you're somewhere not close but not far from the situation, either.
You'd like to be closer to Meredith but you aren't, and you wouldn't be able to get close to her without passing in front of the entire crowd of people that Ellis is still calling, "amateurs," and therefore ignoring your doctorly duties.
So you don't, and you try to shoot Meredith a sympathetic grin, but she doesn't meet your eye, and you see George O'Malley trying to fawn over her and you realize that he probably hopelessly has a thing for Grey, too.
'Great,' you think. Of course. Meredith has all the boyfriends at her feet and you just have the husband from hell that you can't seem to shake off.
You're glad that Meredith has people who care for her, of course.
You just want it to be you doing the caring, and selfishly, you want her to care for you, too.
She understands you already in a way no one else has, ever, and you just don't want to give that up quite yet.
Just when you want to go the other way around the hall, you run into her.
You actually bump into her because you're walking fast.
"I'm so sorry, Grey," you say and check to make sure she's not injured.
"Don't be, I wasn't watching where I was going," she says.
"Are you okay?" You ask her, you know she's not though, and you're not sure why you even asked her that.
You care, and you want her to be okay, desperately.
Meredith seems to sense something in your tone and she relaxes a bit as she keeps talking.
You know you shouldn't be talking with her in the open, but it'll look more suspicious if you ask her to go somewhere secluded so you stay where you are.
If Derek asks you'll say you were talking about a patient, which you sort of are, you suppose.
"You know, it's just all about my mom all the time," Meredith begins.
"Mm?" You motion for her to go on.
"See, it was all about my mom from the beginning. Her career, her wishes, her needs exceeded Thatcher my father's…" Meredith begins and you nod.
You think, idly, that in your family it was all about your daddy but you don't say that out loud.
"Ellis Grey was famous, and she loves that, but she didn't want to be famous about me," Meredith continues.
You're overwhelmed with the sense of joy when Meredith starts talking with you deeply.
You sense she knows that you really do understand.
You both are cut from the same fucked-up family situation kind of cloth.
"And even now, when I started this school, she asked if I was her doctor, and I said I wasn't but that I am a doctor, and she said I looked like her daughter but she didn't remember me," Meredith yelps and you can tell she's about to burst into tears.
Meredith reaches for you, and you place a hand gently on her shoulder, and you tell her it will be okay.
You want to give her more, you want to give her a hug, you want to pull her into your arms, you want to rock her and cradle her and offer her a kiss on the forehead.
But you can't, and you know that, and she seems to know that, too.
You're not sure when or why or how she figured out that in this trio of yours that Derek gets you and Derek gets her but Derek doesn't want you to get each other as well, even though you seem to 'get,' how each other feels and it makes you both feel alright every time.
Meredith stands there, and you have the hand there, and you feel the heat of her body warmth radiate up through your palm.
You hope your hand is not too cold on her shoulder, but she's leaning into your touch, and she's grounding you and you're grounding her and for a moment you say nothing.
You don't need to.
You don't know what to say, anyway.
You just want to stay to comfort Meredith more, but you get paged to the NICU to consult on your premature baby case with Derek Shepherd.
Meredith pulls away first when she sees your face and she just gives you a "thank you," before rushing off.
You make your way down to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit and you pick up the chart from the hall.
The patient is a premature baby, a preemie, who has a strong grip but brain abnormalities that are likely fatal.
It holds onto your finger with its entire hand and you feel it curl around you like a lifeline.
You wonder if you ever looked like this, so weak and vulnerable and oh, so alone.
You realize you're not that different today then you were then, and that you still are…
Doctor Isobel Stevens walks in and you realize she reminds you of you a bit, in a different way than how Meredith Grey does.
Izzie reminds you of you as a junior doctor, and you see her same empathy and expression towards her patients.
She's staring at the preemie along with you and you can tell that Izzie wants to will it to be alright.
The baby has been abandoned by her parents, and you sort of feel like you've been abandoned in a way, too.
Derek is still with you but not mentally with you. Mark has stopped answering you back completely. Your parents never really loved you. You haven't heard from Sam, Naomi or Archer in days...
Your husband walks in and reads over the chart and wants to give up immediately. You can tell by the scowl on his face that he thinks that you're wasting his time.
You think that you're just a waste of everyone's time, but especially his...
There are many things wrong with the baby. You still want to try, though. Even just to prove a damn point.
"I know she's a long shot," you say, advocating for the preemie.
Derek says that there's no way the baby will survive spinal surgery.
You try to remain optimistic even though you're pretty sure he can tell you're hardly believing yourself.
Derek talks about the kind of life the baby would have, how many health problems she would have.
You know it already, but you let him talk because you know he's also right.
Izzie is here and you know she's heartbroken for the baby but not for you.
You know that's a good thing, but a part of you keeps thinking that if Grey were here, that she'd see the parallels with your situation (and also hers) and that she'd feel heartbroken for you too, maybe.
"You're not God...honey," you say to Derek, who asks, "Did you just call me honey? Don't call me honey!"
He's making a scene in front of the junior resident he knows won't tell on him and he's right.
Izzie makes a face like she is very uncomfortable being in the middle of all this.
You both start talking about responsibility and oaths.
You know you're not really talking about the medicine now, though.
You're talking about your wedding vows and how you broke them and how it's all on you because you're a slut.
You slept with Mark Everett Sloan and because of that, you'll always have to grovel for scraps at his feet.
You say you "messed up, that people mess up, and Derek says, "You slept with my best friend on my favorite sheets."
You reply and call out his bluff because Izzie's here to keep him from kicking, "The flannel sheets? You hate the flannel sheets."
Derek says he loves them. You know he's a liar.
You love the way he lies.
You say, "you like the Italian sheets with the paisleys."
He does, you know Derek does and he knows it too and he's just staring at you.
It's another standoff and you're glad that Dr. Stevens is here to witness it.
'Save me, Stevens,' you want to yell because you think she might empathize.
You don't love her the way you think you might be starting to love Meredith Grey.
She doesn't understand from personal experience with Derek as Meredith does, but Izzie gets it.
Izzie interrupts, though, and says, "I'm sorry I'm just gonna go. I'll go check on the labs."
Derek looks at you and you look at him.
He smirks because he knows he's going to get you all alone.
Izzie leaves and Derek tells you not to do this.
You know that 'this,' means fighting for a hopeless cause, a stand-in for you, and also Meredith Grey...
You say that "the baby is a fighter."
Derek tells you not to get attached or involved and not to make the baby's life more painful than it already is.
You plead with him, "Please. She has no one to fight for her."
You're talking about Meredith now, and you know it, and you're not sure if you want him to know that but you think that he already does.
Derek says she's too far gone and to "let her go in peace."
This whole conversation is parallel to your relationship and your marriage.
(Or, it would be if he were trying to spare you pain which he isn't, and he's not merciful to Meredith, either.)
You fucking hate this day so far except for the one moment when you had your hand placed on Meredith Grey's tender shoulder...
Derek leaves and you're sad and you say, "Fine, Derek. Walk away. [more quietly] It's what you do best."
You know you're lying too, though.
He won't walk away because he still wants to own both you and also Grey.
You wonder if he loves the way you lie to him, also...?
***** END OF CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Author's Note:
The title reference is also an episode title of the Season 5 finale of "Weeds," by Jenji Kohan.
Yeah, there wasn't a whole ton of MerAdd there… Oops.
Hoping to have more in the coming chapters, this was already really long.
bobbiejelly
Dedications, June 9, 2020, Chapter 16:
THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO READS THIS SO FAR AND COMMENTS, LIKES, FAVORITES, FOLLOWS, ADDS TO READING LIST ETC.
Ao3:
AddisonAddek for the phenomenal Comments. Can't thank you enough!
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rhi bradley and Anne for the Reviews.
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Ty- arizonaslesbianism (bonus and thanks for the shoutout on their story!), danielaperezsurga, new_being, outlawqueenpercabeth, addiesrep, for the SPECTACULAR comments and stars. JordynMarie05, rene418, for the votes so far.
502 Reads, 77 Votes, 351 Comments. Many people, who added this to their reading lists.
AND THANKS TO EVERYONE ELSE, WHO READS THIS, EVER!
Ps. Thanks to those of you who have PM'd reviews of this work, also!
Special thanks to everyone who has followed me as an author, added me to your favorites, read everything and anything I've ever published. There are more and more of you who invest in my work like that every day, and it warms my heart. My dearest thanks to you all.
Ps. New MerAdd fics are up or updated, recently:
The EntertainmentRED is the new BLACK.
Cookies & Quickies Bubble All Too EasyProm?
... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:
Falling Apart, Barely Breathing
Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery) Soothe A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition Out Of The DarkFeel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!
bobbiejelly
