Author's Note:
Spoilers in this chapter through GA-S2-E3.
Important commentary about the story:
In some discussions I have had in the comments with Arizonaslesbianism, it was pointed out upon my request for honest feedback about favorite chapters of this story so far that the last chapter, "All About My Mom," was kind of… Boring. (And also that favorite chapters so far from them are "Angel," "Linoleum Roses," and "Sutures," which I empathize with, and I'll add that my favorite chapter thus far is "Anniversaries," because apparently I like writing pain...) And I'd also love to know your favorite chapters, too!
And I fully admit that that is completely true that last chapter was kiiiiinda boring; it's a darker take on canon with only one extended MerAdd scene with a hand placed on the shoulder and a tearful confession from Meredith about her mother.
So it's not super significant, and that's part of why it's an addition to the story. Why? Well, a big part of how abusive relationships function is that there are 'honeymoon,' periods in them when things are going good and wonderful, often after a crisis. This makes people in abusive relationships more likely to cling on, thinking that the 'bad times have passed,'. There are also dull periods in abusive relationships, where, after the cycle of good-bad-honeymoon is obvious to both parties, an abusive partner might lull a state of 'normalcy,' and 'complacency,' with their actions. Thereby inflicting no drastic measures either way, nor super bad nor super good.
This last chapter was a prime example, and it was subtle so I'm taking the time to show you if it wasn't noticed. No problem if it wasn't, I hadn't fully fleshed it out myself until last night. Remember, at the beginning of the last chapter while Addison was in Derek's trailer, Addison was almost willing to leave Derek and just take off on her own. At the end of the chapter though, after the scene with Addison and Derek with Izzie and the preemie in the NICU, Addison was wondering if Derek also, 'loved the way she lied to him,' but she wasn't thinking anymore about leaving him, only about staying.
They fall into the same patterns, the same routine… (Also Eminem lyrics).
Additionally, I hope it was clear in the last chapter that Addison 'has a thing,' for Meredith Grey, but she does not have the same feelings for Izzie Stevens.
Addison feels sexual and romantic and friendship inklings towards Meredith, and towards Izzie she just feels like Izzie could be a good friend or ally to her, and secretly wants Izzie to worry over her like she's worrying over the preemie as Addison also is.
That's just what I wanted to say, to make sure that was articulated. This is brought up because AddisonAddek had some lovely comments to say about Izzie being awkwardly in the middle there, which she was, which was funny in canon and in here, but darker here, of course.
CHEERS!
bobbiejelly
CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:
SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.
MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD SO CHOOSE WHAT YOU NEED.
Implied bad things are happening maybe?
bobbiejelly
Love The Way You Lie
Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway.
-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey
MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover.
CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek.
*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*
Chapter 17: GRIP
You hear every single one of Derek Christopher Shepherd's footfalls as he marches away from the patient room.
You're alone, then, or alone with this sickly premature baby with no name at all yet you know of.
How terribly sad.
You flinch when you see the door open but you soften when you see that it's Meredith Grey.
Why is she here?
"Hey," you say cautiously as she walks into the room.
"Hey," says Meredith as she comes to join you in the NICU.
"Did he- Derek didn't see you walk in, did he?" You ask because you want to be sure.
You realize in asking that you just gave up the fact that you're worried, but this doesn't seem to be a revelation for Meredith, who just says to you, "no, he didn't see, don't worry about it," with a sigh.
"Are you okay?" You ask Meredith tenderly.
"I should be asking you that," Meredith says, pointing to the baby and the baby's chart. "I heard, it sucks, it's so sad. The baby is in so much pain and it's so lonely and it's- Are you okay?" Meredith says to you again.
You're not sure what to say, because you're not sure if she's asking about the baby really, or about you, or about both and you're not really sure how to answer.
"Are you okay?" You counter again, because you need more time to think and she still had her mother screaming at her, earlier, so you think maybe that's why she's come to talk to you some more.
"Yeah, better, I guess," Meredith says with a sigh.
"My mother was tough, too, my father even more," you say, deciding to open up just a little. You've never talked about this stuff before, not even to Archer because he didn't want to, and you didn't tell Sam or Naomi or Mark, either. And Derek never asked.
"Mm," Meredith just says in understanding, seeming to have put that together from what you said the other day about you admitting that no one ever told you that you were enough, either.
"I just wish there was someone to tell this baby that they're enough, you know?" You say as you look at it, still gripping your finger.
"You just did," Meredith says, gesturing to you.
"You're right, I'll say it again," you say to Meredith, then turn to the baby and say, "you are enough you know, it probably doesn't feel that way because you're lonely, but you are, and you're strong…"
Meredith nods at you and you nod at her back.
Then she asks if she can take a turn holding the baby's hand and you say yes, motioning her to put her hand over yours so the baby slides to grip onto her finger.
You try to ignore all the fluttery sparks you get when her hand passes over yours because you know this is really not the time for such things when this baby is in such danger.
You felt it though. You felt the shivers. Sparks.
"There's a patient who can't hide that she's blushing," Meredith says, changing the subject again.
"Yeah?" You ask, wondering if this is the case your husband is on in addition to this one.
"Yeah, all her emotions play on her face. It must be terrible, but also really nice to have nothing to hide," Meredith says with a sigh.
"Yeah," you sigh. Your life at least, would probably be entirely different if it weren't already over at this point if you showed all your emotions over your face and you couldn't lie; Derek might have beaten you just too hard for you to ever recover if you started to spill your truth out...
You're not sure if this comment from Meredith is meant to be something more directed at you, but you feel caught out anyway.
You're wondering if you should be asking Meredith what she's hiding because you get the feeling she might be hiding more about hers and Derek's interactions to not hurt your feelings about your husband.
You're suddenly terrified that he's beating her, too, or worse.
You're wondering what skeletons your husband is lining Meredith's closet with and you really want to ask but you're scared.
You're not sure if you're ready to give up answers to her inevitable questions and your thoughts are swirling around in your head as you watch the baby latch onto Meredith like a lifeline.
You feel like you're latching onto Meredith Grey's sort of friendship like a lifeline.
It's some sort of solidarity you two have at least, you and Meredith talk about your mothers and fathers and how you don't always feel like you're enough.
And ironically, that's enough for you, mostly, to feel like you're enough for a little while.
At some point you hear a noise in the hall and you both jump and you end up hitting one of your cuts with your hand and you gasp.
Meredith asks what's wrong and you lie and you say you cut yourself on your desk.
You get a scrutinizing look but Meredith looks away then and drops your gaze for a while and you're not sure what to make of all that.
You try to recover and you have to take deep breaths to contain your waves of pain from your wounds.
Usually you're good at this but you got startled and you pressed in the wrong spot and now you're really glad you don't have that automatic blushing condition because that would give you away completely.
You calm yourself down and Meredith seems to sense you want semi-privacy to do this so she focuses on the baby instead of you for a while.
"Dr. Montgomery?" Meredith asks you, eventually once you've settled down, and you snap your head around left and right to see if anyone heard her say your maiden name.
Meredith seems to see you panic and reassures you that no one is here, and in saying that you seem to get that she understands she's not supposed to call you that in front of anyone else.
Meredith is now, though, and you like it. You like it a lot. It makes you feel like a real person again.
You want to offer her something similar but you're not sure what that would be, so you ask:
"What do you want me to call you?" You say, and you hope she gets that you mean 'in private,' and 'when it's just the two of us,' and 'this can be our little secret like when you call me Montgomery,'.
Meredith thinks for a moment and she considers her options. Obviously she doesn't have a different last name other than "Grey," and that name has been problematic for her in the past.
You think you want to tell her not to worry about it since she has to think so hard but then she gives you an answer.
"Dr. Meredith," Meredith says, and you nod and smile because it seems fitting.
It shows she's a doctor which she has earned, but it's only about her and not her mother and/or father. And it lets her shine like the sun as her own person.
"It's a lovely name," you say. "So's yours," Meredith replies with a smile.
You both sit there contentedly again for a minute as you watch the baby wiggle rather weakly.
"Doctor Montgomery?" Meredith eventually asks you again. "Doctor Meredith?" You reply and Meredith giggles for a second before going serious.
"What are you going to do about the baby?" Meredith says with a sigh, as if knowing you probably don't have any magical solution in mind, and you don't.
"I hate to let them go, but I just might have to," you say sadly.
"It's okay to let go, it's not your fault, no one is blaming you, you did what you could and you fought and you tried, but you're not giving up if you let her go gently," Meredith says.
Meredith is looking you in the eye and you realize she's not talking only about this baby.
Meredith is talking to you about herself. She's telling you in this way that you can leave her with Derek, she's giving you permission. And it breaks your damn heart all over again.
You think bitterly that in another life, that you two would be fighting to have a relationship with Derek, and not to be getting out of one.
You try to imagine what that might have been like, if you were seriously fighting to both get Derek to pick you, choose you, love you, instead of who will be able to escape his wrath…
"I shouldn't, though, the baby, and- I don't want to let go," you finally admit as you stare at the baby again but you know that Meredith can still tell by your face that you're thinking of her, also.
"But you can, you've done what you can here, you can go without any regrets if you want to," Meredith says fervently and now you know she's definitely talking mostly about you.
"What did- What do you- How- Why- What- When-?" You ask Meredith all these questions at once. The only question you don't ask is 'who?' Because you both already know the answer to that one loud and clear…
Meredith opens her mouth to answer but she gets an urgent page and she swears when she sees it.
"I have to go, I have surgery with Derek-Doctor Shepherd- I mean- I'm sorry. Good luck with the baby, but as I said, I'd forgive you and I'd totally understand, if you let them go, if you left it would be okay," Meredith says as she runs to catch up with her surgery.
You know she's talking about herself relative to you and you consider your options as you see her disappear into the hallway.
You consider leaving in the morning, you consider telling Richard you're resigning and disappearing back to New York.
Would anyone notice if you vanished? You pale to wonder. Maybe she would, and you're finding it hard to let that one go. To let her go…
But then, you give it some thought that maybe it's only because of YOU that Derek is violent, and you think maybe that Derek would be better for Meredith- because she's better than you and maybe she's what he needs…
You think about this, but you realize it's unlikely to be true because Meredith seems to have already figured out that you're hiding from him, and she hides from him when she's talking only to you, and you wonder what the hell happened between them at the trailer...
You sit all afternoon with the premature baby. Izzie comes in and says "the baby has a good grip."
You agree as she's holding on to your finger again and she hasn't let go.
Izzie gives you the baby's test results and they don't look promising - the antibiotics haven't been working.
Your heart breaks again for the baby and you bite your lip hard as you look up at Izzie.
You want to apologize for fighting with her around, earlier, but you can't seem to form it in your words.
Izzie gives you a pitying look, and you hate it even more and you want to say something.
Then Izzie looks at the baby with the same soft eyes and you decide you can handle her looking at the baby like that but not at you.
It just reminds you that you're both helpless and broken and beyond repair and alone…
You smile weakly at Izzie, and Stevens gives you a small smile as well.
You decide that if Izzie was your age and if she was already an Attending or even a resident that you'd have liked to befriend her.
You don't have an interest in her sexually or romantically like you stubbornly still seem to over Meredith Grey.
But you still enjoy Doctor Stevens' company all the same, and despite trying not to, perhaps over the solidarity of who you are to 'Meredith's McDreamy,' as you've heard the interns call him, you two seem to get along better than yourself with most of the others, but then again you haven't really interacted with George or Cristina or Alex so far, anyway…
Izzie is looking at you expectantly and you realize you're probably supposed to be saying something to her, here, but you have no idea what to offer until you think about it.
You suggest that Izzie get transferred to another case because she's too far gone but you add that she does have a good grip.
Izzie accepts this and takes off with only a friendly glance back at you which you accept with a nod.
You think it's eerie you have not heard from or seen Derek in hours, but then again he has that other case to handle.
You realize then with a chill in your bones that Meredith Grey with Derek in the O.R and you thank God that at least there's an entire team with an anesthesiologist and scrub nurses and probably more interns and maybe Bailey to keep watch over it all.
You also think that Derek wouldn't jeopardize his career over either of you. Derek never hits you or yells in front of people. He only does it in private and leaves you to suffer.
To his colleagues, he probably seems like just a normal married guy who is slightly annoyed you cheated on him- if they even know that at all.
To your parents, Derek even seemed fine and they still liked him when you had him over to your parents' place for dinner when Bizzy and The Captain insisted. He was on his best behavior and you just hurt later or long after.
You try not to doze off as you watch the baby for hours and hours.
As the baby drifts off, it's grip loosens and it terrifies you for a second.
You think for a moment the baby is dying but then you realize from the even breathing of sleep.
You sigh, and you take your hand away and you decide that it's good that it's getting some rest.
You try to lean back and recuperate for a moment, but when you take your hand graces your stomach after being attached to the baby for so long your nails end up digging into your sutures.
You feel the stinging pain of your still tender scars and you wince when you realize you need to change your bandages again in a few hours.
You think of all the places you could do this discretely and you wonder again if you should follow Meredith's implicit offer and just leave Seattle for good and get away from it all.
You almost want to, and you're not sure if that's rational, and you're not sure if you would do it, anyway...
You could use some rest yourself, hell knows you need it. But you're at work and you can't and you know there's probably a crisis about to happen.
Moments later, you'll know you were somehow just right about the incoming crisis...
***** END OF CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Author's Note:
Here's some fluffy and slightly dark angst here.
So there's more connection between Meredith and Addison as a friendship.
There's also more ambiguity about how Derek is treating Meredith.
Any guesses as to what is going on?
Let me know your thoughts in the comments!
Writing this limited second person is fun for this because there's a certain amount of bias because the story is only told from one person and it's part of the joy and the mystery...
bobbiejelly
Dedications, June 10, 2020, Chapter 17:
THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO READS THIS SO FAR AND COMMENTS, LIKES, FAVORITES, FOLLOWS, ADDS TO READING LIST ETC.
Ao3:
AddisonAddek for the phenomenal Comments. Can't thank you enough!
TheNetflixGal for the Comments.
TheNetflixGal, Illyiad, KyHasNoLife, Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Hotgitay, and 2 guests for the Kudos.
Subscriptions: 3 Hits: 322 Kudos: 9 Comment Threads: 20 Bookmarks: 0
Fanfiction:
rhi bradley and Anne for the Reviews.
kaipulani, , for the Favs.
rhi bradley, kaipulani, FightSong, , kjo2000 , janaxtrattner for the Follows.
2134 Hits.
Wattpad:
Ty- arizonaslesbianism (bonus and thanks for the shoutout on their story!), danielaperezsurga, new_being, outlawqueenpercabeth, addiesrep, for the SPECTACULAR comments and stars. JordynMarie05, rene418, for the votes so far.
550 Reads, 81 Votes, 384 Comments. Many people, who added this to their reading lists.
AND THANKS TO EVERYONE ELSE, WHO READS THIS, EVER!
Ps. Thanks to those of you who have PM'd reviews of this work, also!
Special thanks to everyone who has followed me as an author, added me to your favorites, read everything and anything I've ever published. There are more and more of you who invest in my work like that every day, and it warms my heart. My dearest thanks to you all.
Ps. New MerAdd fics are up or updated, recently:
The Entertainment
RED is the new BLACK.
Cookies & Quickies Bubble All Too Easy
Prom?
... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:
Falling Apart, Barely Breathing
Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery) Soothe A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition Out Of The Dark
Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!
bobbiejelly
