Author's Note:
Yes, this is back!
And with another update!
Canon spoilers through GA-S2-E3
bobbiejelly
CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:
SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.
MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD SO CHOOSE WHAT YOU NEED.
Erm, nothing specific here?
bobbiejelly
Love The Way You Lie
Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway.
-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey
MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover.
CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek.
*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*
Chapter 19: PERMANENT
You don't tell Meredith Grey how to give herself sutures and she doesn't ask you again…
(Yet.)
Instead, Meredith asks you to call if you need her ever.
You ask her what she means but she just looks at you with understanding eyes and you can tell she means more than she'll say.
"Promise me you'll call if you need anything?" Meredith asks you.
"Meredith, I-" you stumble and you don't promise her anything.
You know you'll want to call her but you know you probably won't.
You don't want Derek to find out that you and her were talking because he'll probably start hurting her and you wouldn't want that in a lifetime.
So you don't promise her and she doesn't stop furrowing her brow at you and you realize she might not let you get away without promising her this.
You relize you probably owe her that anyway for all that she's done for you and the moment seems to go on for miles.
"I don't know where to call you," you confess, because you're not exactly going to leave a message on your own husband-you're-hiding-from's answering machine.
"I'll let you know that, I'll tell you later catch me before you go and I'll tell you, I'm getting a page now I have to go," says Meredith.
You see an apologetic look being thrown your way when she closes the door behind her and you didn't wince at any of the cuts but you wince when you hear the door latch close and you realize that you're all alone again.
Without her .
You sigh and you clean up all the instruments and sterilize them before you leave to go back to your patients.
You round on all of them and walk by Cristina Yang's room and she seems to be doing better and you're glad. You don't pass Meredith but you pass Izzie Stevens and George O'Malley and they both thank you for saving your friend.
When you see Alex Karev in the halls he grunts a nod of approval at you and you decide this is him thanking you, too, for Cristina.
The way he grunts is a lot like Mark Sloan and you squint a little about that fact.
Anyway, you don't get far before Preston Burke blocks your way and demands to know everything about Cristina.
"Did you know she was pregnant!?" Burke exclaims at you.
"Not until I was about to operate on her for her ectopic pregnancy," you explain to him.
"Did you know who the father was?" Burke asks you and you're not really sure why this is relevant.
"No? I mean, I only operated on her. I wasn't her treating physician," you try to explain to him calmly.
"She should have told me about it!" Says Burke to you.
Oh.
A lightbulb goes off in your head and you realize that Burke must have been seeing Cristina.
'Well, at least Burke isn't married to a secret someone else as far as you know,' you think idly.
You realize that as terrible Burke's reactions to Cristina's pregnancy are, you're happy at least that he's probably not as violent as Derek is. But then again, you're never really sure about that either way but you think that Cristina seems to be like someone who wouldn't take that crap.
Not that you think that Meredith is, but you're not sure she cares about herself enough to walk away from all this, and that breaks your damn heart even more.
Then you realize you're daydreaming and you've zoned out and Burke is still ranting on about Cristina and you try to keep your place but eventually excuse yourself to check on your actual patients.
Derek is inside with the premature baby girl when you walk into the NICU.
You're not happy to see him but you're happy to see him there.
He's looking at the preemie with hope and you don't want to get your hopes up about him saving it but you do.
You might hate your husband sometimes but you don't hate that he's a good neurosurgeon.
"The baby has gotten stronger since the morning. Derek says, "There's no reason in the world why she should be stronger since this morning," he adds while he sits in the rocking chair in the corner.
You tell him the baby is really beautiful.
Derek says if she makes it through the night and gets a little stronger they'll operate on her.
You're pleased and you smile at him and he smiles at you.
You crawl up onto his lap and you start whispering in his ear.
You realize this is actually extremely inappropriate while you're in front of babies but they're probably too young to notice what you're doing anyway.
"The way I see it we could deal with us in one of three ways. Option one, I could apologize, you could forgive me and come home and we could move on with our lives like adults. Or option 2, I could apologize, you could forgive me, come home but you could still bring it up to use against me whenever we argue," you say.
You're saying this because you know you're somehow-sex appeal is the only thing you have going for you here and you need to lull him into a state of submission the best you can while you plan your escape.
Derek smiles and asks, "Are you trying to be funny?"
You bend and lean in towards him and say, "Satan has a sense of humor."
Derek asks what the third option is.
"I don't know what the third option is," you tell him.
You kiss him for several seconds.
You hope that this will be your last kiss with him.
"I just know I still love you."
And then you leave the room.
And then you realize that this is the first time you've been the one lying to him about loving him.
You haven't decided whether or not you like it quite yet.
You're not sure where to do or where to go now but you wind up going to find Meredith.
She's waiting for you, Meredith is waiting for you.
You're not sure why but she is.
"Hey, Dr.-"
You can tell that she was about to call you 'Montgomery,' in public and you smile sadly and you say "hello, Dr." back without anything else because you don't want to call her 'Grey,'.
Meredith nods in approval at this and she asks you for help looking over some scans.
You nod and you follow her, even though you're all but sure she's just making up the part about the scans.
You see, you realize that Meredith is lying here but she's lying to protect you and Derek is lying to hurt you and you think there's a difference between those things but you're not certain.
There are actual scans though, you find that out when you arrive.
You help Meredith understand what needs to be done with a new consult of hers and then she sits down wearily in the chair and you slup down in the one beside her.
"You really have to go," she tells you.
"It doesn't mean you have to stay," you tell her.
You realize you're confessing a lot here but you don't really care at this point.
"I'll be okay," says Meredith.
"You could be. You're stronger than I am. You're prettier. Smarter. You'll be okay but you don't have to stay. You could go elsewhere, or stay but just-".
You cut yourself off before you really say it but you still think that she understands.
"You're worth more than him, Meredith," you say with a sigh.
You think she's worth everything, but you're not going to tell her that, now.
You see her smile for a second before the sadness settles over her face again.
"So are you, Addison," she says and you realize how much you like her saying your name.
You start to shake your head at that but Meredith places a hand on your shoulder.
"You are," she says and you try to start to believe it.
You feel the heat of her palm on your shoulder and you lean into her touch.
You can't help it; you love it. You start to think you love her. You probably do.
And this is why you have to leave before you put her in even more of harm's way.
It'll be years before you'll be able to realize you weren't the problem and your husband was. Even though that fact should really have been rather painfully obvious.
"You're leaving, and I want you to know you can call, so let me give you my number," says Meredith.
"Huh?" You ask in alarm as she pulls out a permanent marker.
"To call me. If you need anything. I don't know if you have anyone so I'm letting you know you can call me," says Meredith.
You have no idea how she got so perceptive but she somehow knows you well enough she knows you're really really lonely.
And pathetic.
And lost.
All of those things and more but either way Meredith is uncapping the marker and she's moving to write her number on your wrist and you pull away from her because you know someone could see it there.
"Not there," you tell her and she pulls back and nods.
"Where?" Meredith asks you.
You start to think maybe you should reach for a paper or something but then someone could find it so you start to brainstorm here.
"I could write it on your thigh," says Meredith.
"Why?" You ask.
"Because nobody sees that in winter usually," Meredith deadpans.
You want to ask her why she knows that but you don't and you nod.
Meredith looks at you insistently and you realize it's because you have to remove some clothing for her to write on your skin and you blush because you realize this involves you being half-naked in front of her and you feel like a whore all over again.
"You know I could write it myself later if you tell me your number," you say because you realize you don't want her to get the idea you're pressuring her to-what? You're the one with the inappropriate feelings.
"I want to know it's correct," she sighs and you understand.
You pull down your pants just a little bit, exposing your panties and your bare hips.
Meredith nods and takes the marker and leans in close to start to write just the seven numbers on the top of your hip so you can read them but not that it's obvious it's a phone number.
"He could still see it," you say, and you don't bother to specify who 'he,' is because you know she knows.
"No he won't. Because you'll stay away much longer than that. You'll be long gone when that finally washes off," says Meredith sadly.
Long after where you might not ever see her again.
You feel every stroke of her permanent pen as she etches it into your skin. You sigh because even the slightest touch from her calms you and you wish you could just stay and hold on.
Meredith doesn't move away from you right away and neither do you.
She puts the cap on the marker and then she studies you and leans in again.
Meredith presses her forehead against yours and then you realize she's leaning in to kiss you.
"Meredith, we can't," you say because you know if Derek finds out he might really hurt her.
"I kissed him and he was married," says Meredith in a deadpan, and you flinch at that sentence and you realize also she just admitted she was about to kiss you.
"I just want you to know that someone cares," says Meredith.
"I know you do. You don't need to give away your body to show me," you tell her.
"If you know I care why do you push me away?" Meredith pleads with you.
"I don't know. I'm not trying to," you tell her.
You aren't, but you are. Because you know she's supposed to hate you.
"I know, Montgomery," says Meredith.
You smile despite yourself.
You pull your pants up and tie them on again before something catastrophic happens.
You're glad that you did because you both jump when you hear the knock on the door.
Meredith pulls her hand away from your cheek when she hears this and you're simultaneously both happy and sad that she even has to.
***** END OF CHAPTER NINETEEN
Author's Note:
Thanks for the encouragement to keep writing more of this one!
Also, I've given up on the long dedication parts as well as the recommended works because they are just too difficult to keep up with and I highly doubt people really read them?
This fanfiction is dedicated to everyone who reads it. That's a good dedication, right? :D.
bobbiejelly