"Goodbye V, and never stop fighting". The last words Johnny ever said to him echoed in his head every time he woke up from one of his nightmares, especially when he looked over at River's revolver on the table and thought about how he could make this easier for everyone. Then he looked over at Panam, asleep next to him, and thought what that would do to her, what it would do to the clan. Shit, how would River feel if he knew what V had used his revolver for? Night City was far, but word got around. No, he had too many people now to take that way out. He felt the wet warmth from his nose, and realized he was bleeding again. Fuck. This was the third time this week. He quickly sat up and turned away from her, he knew seeing him like this would just upset her.

His attacks, or whatever they were, were getting more frequent now. They had been out of Night City for a few weeks, and he was running low on Vic's meds so he had to start skipping doses. He wasn't even sure if these were his nightmares or something left over from Johnny, or even Mikoshi. Shit, didn't even really remember them, all he knew was he woke up most nights sweat soaked and terrified. Lately he'd been having these nosebleeds too. There were a couple of real bad episodes too, he'd been out for hours. Nobody knew he was running low on his meds, he knew it would just worry everyone if they found out. Getting out of Night City had felt like a breath of fresh air, but he sure could use a visit to Vic about now. That and some Mac N' Cheezus.

At least no one else saw him this time. He both loved and hated the look of concern on Panam's face whenever he came to after blacking out. It was nice to have a family again, but he was putting them through so much, and for what? A few more months, maybe weeks at this rate? It was getting bad, and faster than he thought it would. He hoped he could keep it together for the meet Mitch had set up. It was hard to intimidate scavs when you blacked out in the middle of the meet. They were about halfway between Night City and Phoenix, in the middle of the Arizona desert. Mitch had set up some kind of deal tomorrow. With some luck., they'd be in Phoenix in a week or two, and they had some promising leads to get his gonk brain straightened out. Carol had already been in contact with Snake Nation, and had gotten a hold of some people at StormTech through them. Mitch had some old war buddies in Phoenix too, and they had some ins with Biotechnica. Nothing preem, but better than nothing. He hoped to make it that long.

He felt Panam sit up next to him. "V – what are you doing up? It's early, we don't have to head out for a…" She trailed off, and her eyes went wide. "Fuck, V, were you just going to sit there covered in blood? Why did you not wake me?"

"Didn't wanna to wake you up just to worry you".

"V, don't bullshit me. When I said I would be there for you through thick and thin, I meant it. You are one of us now, and you are with me, so I do not care what time it is. If you wake up covered in blood, fuck it, get me up. Shit, I can not believe I have to even tell you that. What if you would have had a bad one again? I don't even know what I would do if I woke up and found you…" Her voice broke and she trailed off. Her eyes were glassy, with just a hint of tears.

"Panam"… This is what he was afraid of. He hated seeing her like this, it made him almost lose it too. He wasn't sure what he'd done to deserve her, but she sure as fuck didn't deserve this. Nobody did. "I… I'm fuckin scared" he said, his voice breaking a little. "It's gettin' worse. I just…, I'm sorry. Sorry to do this to you. To everyone."

Her eyes narrowed, and her voice came back strong.

"Do what to us? Fuck V – how can we get this through your gonk brain? That jacket - " She gestured to the one Saul had given him the night before the raid. "That makes you family. Remember when Saul told you one day you would know what wearing that jacket meant? You need to remember that. If we hadn't raided Arasaka, we'd still be fighting the Raffen for scraps outside Night City. But now, we are stronger than we have ever been. Shit we have a fucking TANK, and all kinds of crazy Araska tech that Carol and Dakota are just starting to figure out. And we got it all because all of us decided to go on that raid. Together. Everyone that went knew the risks. And we would have never gone if you hadn't shown up. You got me and Saul seeing eye to eye, and we thought that was impossible." Her eyes met his, and her expression softened. "Fuck V. Just let us help you."

"I'm just…". He didn't know what to say. The Bakkers were family sure, but not like this. Politics tore that family apart.

"Just what?' She started to raise her voice again, and then stopped when she saw his face. "Sorry" she said. She handed him a towel. "Get yourself cleaned up and come back to bed. We have a big day tomorrow."

V cleaned the blood from his face in the sink, and laid back down in the bed, but his mind was racing out of control. He turned away from her, counting the stitches in the tent seam next to him absentmindedly.

"V?" – he heard her say. She was still sitting up.

"Yeah?.

"We know you have not been taking your meds. Don't worry, Mitch and I are working something out." She laid down and turned over towards him. She put her arms around him tightly, and he could feel her breath on the back of his neck. Finally, he relaxed.

"Please trust me when I say we are in this together". She said, and hugged him tightly, Finally, he drifted off, but there were no nightmares this time.