Authors note: !POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING!: Talks about death. I may not need to say anything, but with the pandemic and all, I'd rather give a fair warning as part of this may be hard to read/handle for some people because of that… My friend who had covid recovered (thank FRICK), but another one of my friends… her dad wasn't so lucky, and he passed away alone in hospital. People might be okay to read this chapter, but still, pandemics are a tough situation and your brain is subconsciously processing trauma, even if you don't feel anything is majorly different with you. Even if you think you're fine, it could still hit you harder than you were expecting. If you find part of this chapter hard to read and have to stop, that's fair enough. Just take care of yourself.
Yuyu
Had been alone in Pure Illusion for a long time after I sent Yayaka back home. Only had thoughts for company. Puppets in world had disappeared after large dog enemy was destroyed. Only saw long, empty stage ahead. Kept walking.
Could have used Hole to go back to Flip Flap with Yayaka. Thought about it. Pulled a device out with free hand and began to set coordinates.
"((They don't want you back.))"
Unknown voice began talking to me. Frowned. Continued work.
"((Asclepius never wanted you, so why would Flip Flap?))"
Tried to ignore.
"((Would they want a defective unit with one arm?))"
"Shut up." Fingers slipped on Hole device. Incorrect coordinate. Corrected it.
"((Cocona was ready to leave you alone with Yayaka. Glad to be rid of you.))"
"Said to take care of each other. Wanted both of us to be okay." Hand began to shake.
"((She wanted you to look after her best friend, that's all.))"
"Am her sister," Voice wavered with uncertainty. "Am important to her too."
"((Are you? She barely knows you. You're a rock made into a human, why would she care?))"
…Stopped working on device. Put back in pocket. Just a rock made human… Pulled up trouser leg and examined. Could no longer feel legs. Entirely red now. Oily shine under stage lights. Pressed fingers against red surface. Hard like crystal.
Like amorphous.
Lowered trouser leg, and lifted hand up to face. Redness on hand hadn't spread. Knew it was only a matter of time. Felt colder than usual. Curled fingers around amorphous necklace. Still warm… but barely.
"((Now the necklace matches you. Just as cold and defective as each other.))"
"Shut up!" Hand tightened into fist. Felt warmth driving into my hand. Began to run on heavy legs. Wanted to get away from voice. Wanted to get away...
Don't know how long I ran for. Didn't need food or rest. Could have been running for hours. Could have been running days or months. Maybe years. Centuries. Millenniums... Impossible to tell time in this world. Stage was still empty and long. Infinite. Puppets had spoken before about a Master of the world. Doubted there was one. Was just a performance after all. Performance for the only human in this world. No human to perform for, no reason to happen…
Not human… Non-human in ceaseless nothing… If not human… then… what am I?
Am I real?
Do I exist?
…Why?
Sense of time wasn't only thing lost. Soon lost myself. Barely thinking. Possible eternity had passed alone. Shadowy and faded objects melted into view. Didn't really notice until surrounded. Broken furniture. Old weapons. Pottery. Books… Sometimes even voices. Some screaming. Some mourning. Many confused. Endless. Haunting. Continued to walk. Was only moving because…
Why was I moving?
Felt there was a reason, but… currently unknown.
Stopped.
No sense of self, no reason to walk.
No reason to do anything.
(("I can give you purpose…"))
Another voice that time, but was internal. Looked around. No one. Was the only living thing in the area… But spotted things originally unnoticed: paintings. Approached the ones hanging on walls, and separate from others on wooden poles and shattered stone columns. Ended up studying them. Each was a different style. Created by different people? Must have been. Where one captured reality, another bought life to an abstract scene, made only of vague shapes and colours. Some were watercolours, others acrylics and oils. Each revealed pieces of the painter's soul, and creative vision of the world.
Fascinating.
Standing outside a shop window. Others were with me. All of us were looking at things just like this…
Blinked. Stray thought. Only thought that had come to me in a long time. Was that… my thought? A pause. I can think… Tried to recall scene. Vague memory. Blue hair. Silver hair. Pink hair. Gold hair…
Gold hair. Braided sunshine.
Felt a tug somewhere inside me. Looked around trying to seek source. No source, but… it felt urgent. Like something had been forgotten.
(("I can help you find your way out… I can take you to her…"))
Her? Eyes fell on a portrait. Looked like a queen of a foreign country. Muted greens and browns in background, as if in wilderness. Clothing was bold and regal. Fur-lined cape, jewellery… Hand went to a space over my chest. Fingers clutched around a necklace. Not as extravagant as one in portrait, but held meaning to it.
It's warm…
Crouched down, huddled around my necklace. Hadn't realised how cold body was feeling. How cold… I was.
I? Thought of self as a self. Was strange. But not unfamiliar. Not impossible…
"Yuyu!" "Hey, Yuyu! Are you here?"
More voices. External this time. 'Yuyu'? Didn't know that word. Losing sense of language? Body began to tremble. Scared. Put hand over hollow sleeve, as if to hide lack of regular arm. Hide. Should hide. Can't be seen like this.
Ran again. Ran past waterfalls of coins. Kicked broken chair legs. Quiet! Scolded self. Heard footsteps behind me. A pair. Being hunted. Hunted by voices. Want to make me one of them.
No!
Tripped and fell. Would have grazed knee. No skin to graze. No pain. Just solid red legs.
Footsteps in world were joined by louder ones. Clanged like metal. Rang like bells, echoing and bouncing. Sounded… familiar. Memory began to surface. Metal monsters, stalking me. Pushing through great swathes of water. A flood. More memories. Drowning. Trapped. Cold… So cold… Uncertain if imagination or reality. May have been blood rushing in ears, but sounded like water. Couldn't feel legs. Is it flooding here too? Didn't want to look down. Would freeze if I did. Would risk drowning. Legs felt like they grew heavier with each step. Might be flooding. Filling with water. Would drown for certain if stopped.
High place… Need a high place…
"Yuyu?!"
Ran from voices. Ran from monsters. Ran from the flood. Looked around for somewhere safe. Most high places available unreliable. Visible damage to structure of everything taller than my body. Cracks and chips betrayed weakness and instability. Need to escape. Need a safe place.
Sudden clanging crash behind me. Shower of thousands of metallic discs. Thought one of the voices from before called out. Was drowned out by metal monster. Shouldn't stop. Will flood. Monsters moved faster in water. More noise. Metal sliding and scraping against each other in a cascade. Coins being washed around on a wave? Unknown. Didn't want to find out. Didn't want to see water. Scared. Scared, scared, scared… (("I can save you from the flood…"))
Fear became overwhelming. Hard to breathe. Chest felt tight, and in places solid. Arm didn't move as well as it should have. Why? Cursed self. Useless, defective, body. (("Switch with me…"))
But caught sight of something else. Oddly hidden in distant darkness, but saw large building. A house. Tall place. Appears stable. Could survive flood.
Made way there. Nearly stumbled and tripped a few times, but reached destination. Door was weak on hinges. Rusted screws. Otherwise, structure seemed solid. Used shoulder to open door. Stepped inside… and nose became filled with scent. Wildflowers. Momentarily stunned. Took a breath. Succeeded, but felt like lungs were flooding. Filled, but not with oxygen. Wrong. It feels wrong.
Escape. Need to escape… Saw stairs. Tore up them. Ran along a corridor. Heard clanging echo behind me. Being chased. Need to run!
Flung open door at the end, and saw…
"Yayaka!" Voice ripped from my body. Cracked and strained from lack of use. But suddenly… There was something I remembered. A person. Kind, wonderful and caring. Saw the golden-haired girl rushing to meet me, too. The girl named Yayaka! Fear had suddenly gone, as if it never existed, erased with pure joy.
I ran to her, laughing. Her expression and actions were the same as mine.
We were almost together…
…Our fingertips should have touched… But mine met cold glass. An invisible wall between us.
I took a step backwards. So did Yayaka. Not an invisible wall.
A mirror.
Joy was shattered by disappointment. Felt a dull pang in my chest, and heavy sadness. Vision blurred. Blinked, and my cheeks felt wet. Tears.
…Why?
New emotions were crushing. Lacked strength to stand any more. Fell on my side, head touching the mirror.
"Wh… Why?" Weak voice. Hated it. Weak voice. Failing body. Lost and unable to remember anything.
Helpless. Weak. Lost.
Defective!
Lay on the floor and cried. Didn't care if a flood came now. Didn't care if drowned self in tears. I found something, someone, I wanted after so very long… I was so close…
But it wasn't mine.
Would never be mine…
(("I can change that…"))
Heard the voice coming from the mirror. Didn't want to move from current spot. No energy. Saw something move out the corner of my eye. Looked. Saw mirror-Yayaka kneeling down, next to me. Gentle smile. Red eyes.
(("You're worried that she prefers others over you. That, like the others, she doesn't want you, and would rather be with someone else.")) Mirror-Yayaka's lips moved, but heard her speaking in my head, rather than out loud. (("I can make others like you too, not just her. Toto won't be the popular one any more, everyone will want to be around you, too. No more mistakes, and no more hurting others without meaning to. I can make it all happen. I can change the past. Guide you to what you want in life… Just switch with me. I can make it happen..."))
Had stopped crying. Was looking at Mirror-Yayaka, entranced. After being alone for so long, someone talking to me… Was nice. She said she could change things too, so I could be liked by others…
Liked by Yayaka…
Mirror-Yayaka held her hand out towards me. As much as body ached, I found strength to sit. To reach out with my hand for her's. This time, there was no invisible wall. Our hands met. Connected.
Mirror-Yayaka's face changed then. Twisted. Soon resembled my own, but with a smile that held malice. Warm gold hair shrivelled to harsh cold silver. Gentle red eyes, which held an inviting ember, now a hungry flame. Inside the mirror, instead of reflecting a dark room, the world became swirling red. Another memory came back to me. A world that smelled of oil pastels. Solid swirls of paint, branches of coloured webs jutting from the ground… And underneath, hiding under honey-comb layers, another world. A dark cavern filled with shining gelatinous blobs. Had been chasing blue-haired and pink-haired girls hunting amorphous. They encountered a red Hole… One that looked like where Mirror-self was standing now…
Red Hole. No coordinates. Was in Pure Illusion now, but through the Hole? Unknown.
Was overcome with fear again. No coordinates. Lost forever.
I wanted to take hand away. Too late. My mirror-self was pulling me inside. I tried to kick with my legs, wedge a foot in the floor. Couldn't. Tried to turn body away and ended up facing doorway I'd come from.
Door was shutting. Caught a glimpse of a blocky bronze statue through the closing crack, holding a blue-haired girl in its mouth.
Cocona… The word came to me from the depths of a memory long lost.
Sudden realisation. I know her! Cocona-onee-chan! Everything came back to me in that moment. 'Yuyu'… Cocona had called that. Another girl, Papika, too. They were together in Pure Illusion. I am Yuyu. They were calling my name! I wasn't losing sense of language! My sister came to Pure Illusion to save me. Because she wanted to rescue me…
Wanted to call. Couldn't. Face had been absorbed by mirror. Couldn't see. Couldn't talk. The rest of my body soon followed…
Yayaka
I didn't want to believe what my shadow was saying, but I couldn't really deny the evidence it'd thrown at me. I've been betrayed… "Yuyu… Why?"
The fact that Yuyu looked almost pained hearing my voice made my heart drop. It looked a little like she was about to burst out crying, and clenched her fist, as if she was trying to keep her emotions under control. The silence between us was heavy in the air, the gentle ticking of the gears below, the only hint that time was still passing.
With effort, she finally gave a reply, "because it was never me you wanted."
The gears below, slowly ground to a stop. It was honestly a little freaky how… still everything was now, as if the world had just died.
CRACK!
The glass below us suddenly broke, and me, Yuyu and Yamika plummeted among large glittering shards, that looked as if stars were falling from the sky. I tried twisting in the air, and fired one of my wires, so I could try and grab onto something and control any landing I could manage, rather than risk getting tossed around and injuring myself. I scanned around quickly to see if any of the Coconas had gotten caught up in this too, but I couldn't find them anywhere. I guess they disappeared.
My wires hooked onto a bright gold cog, and I managed to swing down to a camouflage green one below. Suddenly a thought occurred to me. My wires, my rocket belt… It's all technology. If Yuyu's shadow, or whatever is, was able to mess with my visor, how do I know she can't sabotage my other stuff, or turn it against me? I didn't waste any time in trying to rip the visor off my equipment with one hand, and unclipping my weapon belt with the other, and throwing them as far away as I could.
"My, that's a bit of an overreaction," Yamika said, smirking. I jumped, surprised to hear her voice so close by. It turned out she'd landed on a navy-blue gear only a few feet from mine, and hopped down to join me on my green one. "Yuyu would never hurt you…" she turned to face the red-eyed girl (who'd landed on a teal gear twenty feet away that had swirls of white in it, almost as if someone had solidified a slice of the ocean) and yelled, "…would she?!" to her.
Yuyu looked away, her body becoming tense, as if she was trying to avoid my shadow's question.
"Do you want to know why?" Yamika asked me.
"…don't." Despite the distance between us, I could hear Yuyu's whispered protest as clearly as if she was next to me. With that one word, the world around us shivered again, like if someone had fast-forwarded a VHS tape for a second. Much like before when the world changed, I was struck by a sudden wave of nausea, and lost my footing. Next thing I knew, I was kneeling and panting on the ground, trying not to puke. Annoyingly, this feeling didn't go away after a second. I felt dizzy and sick long after the 'fast-forward' had finished, and I was pretty sure if I stood up again that I'd only fall over a second later. Yamika and Yuyu were both unaffected by it, although Yuyu also looked a little conflicted, as if she wanted to run over and check I was okay, but also wanted to attack Yamika for threatening to tell a secret.
But why?
"I can tell you," Yamika said, answering my unasked question with a taunting smile. That sentence was enough for Yuyu to make her decision. The silver-haired girl charged for my shadow, jumping off her ocean-coloured gear and onto our camo-green one. She reached for her sword handle, which was tucked in her belt, and thrust her arm out, in an attempt to catch Yamika off-guard. It almost looked like it would have worked. If Yamika was just a little slower, she would have lost a piece of her cheek, rather than some of her hair.
Yamika had made her way over to me with little trouble, whereas Yuyu seemed to be struggling to balance with only one arm. She spun around and managed to face the two of us though, just as my shadow was about to whisper in my ear.
But I never heard what it said.
Click!It's strange how small the noise was, for something as large as the entire sky shattering. As if it were a dome over us, a great web of cracks appeared, and pieces began to drop. They floated down slowly, as if they were feathers in the breeze, but the edges of them were keen, and razor-sharp. If it was rain, I would've been cut to ribbon in seconds. Find shelter! My head screamed at me. At the same time, me and my shadow moved. We both ducked under a pumpkin-orange gear that acted as a small shelf. It was cramped under there, but it'd keep us safe…
Yuyu however, stayed out in the open.
"What're you doing, Yuyu! Get out of there!" I yelled to her. The silver-haired girl didn't move. Her red eyes were trained on Yamika. Slightly narrowed, but radiating pure anger. I almost expected a couple of holes to be burned into Yamika's face with the sheer ferocity of Yuyu's gaze.
"Said you'd help me…" Yuyu's voice was tight as she accused my shadow. 'Said you'd help me?' I was confused by Yuyu's statement. It sounds like they've met before…
"Well, yeah, it was easier to stop you interfering with my plans that way," my shadow said. "I'm someone's dark side in Pure Illusion, you should know I can't be trusted."
If Yuyu heard Yamika at all, she didn't seem to care. "Yayaka is ((mine))." She growled, her voice deepening on the last word, her red eyes alive with a burning light.
"Yeah, and you hurt Cocona and ((she's supposed to be MINE!))" Much like Yuyu's, Yamika's eyes glowed. It looked like she was seconds from scrambling out from under the orange gear, and launching an attack…
It was smart that she didn't.
She'd just gotten herself up into a crouch, ready to run, when the light from Yuyu's eyes seemed to burn throughout her body, making it shine with a copper aura. Her hair gently flowed, blowing with an invisible breeze, and silver strands lengthened. There was a faint orange glow from her necklace, as I heard her whispered words carried through the air.
"Flip flapping."
The eruption of power caused a shockwave. Most of the gears around Yuyu broke and scattered in a cacophony of cracks, flying off in all directions. Where I was almost knocked flat by Yuyu's transformation, my shadow seemed unaffected, and thankfully alert. I wasn't sure I'd ever be grateful for anything my shadow did, but when Yamika's first move after that was to grab me, and take me a safe distance away… Yeah, I guess I shouldn't exactly complain about that, especially when I still felt kinda sick from the VHS-fast-forward thing earlier. Before I could even question out loud why she did that, Yamika answered.
"I'm a shadow, Yayaka. I can't exactly exist if the thing allowing me to exist is dead."
Just as we'd both landed on a pale green cog, speckled with purple spots, the gears that broke… You know I described the sky being like a dome before it cracked? Well, in a way, I wasn't too far off with how the rest of this place seemed to be shaped. Although the place seemed to be filled with towers of machinery all like that, it turned out that it was… Like a projection on a screen. Cracks and gaping holes were smashed into the 'dome' of the world revealing another place outside. As if it could somehow try and fix itself, what pieces that remained in the wall did the VHS thing again, but instead of trying to skip ahead, it tried to rewind, as if it could pull all the pieces back together. No such thing happened.
Instead, through the gaps that grew, hints of crisscross scaffolding appeared. Wait a second… The gears seemed to shrink, crushing anything in their path, before disappearing altogether. Me and my shadow both got out from under the overhang we'd taken shelter under, just before it shrunk, nearly squishing us. The false world that had been created was falling apart around us, and once more, I was standing on a wooden stage. Is this… the puppet world?
"You seem surprised," my shadow noted, seeing the expression in my wide eyes. "You shouldn't be. Ever since you and Uexkull landed here, the world has been a great long corridor, hasn't it?"
I hadn't really thought about it, but now I did, she wasn't wrong. The strange fish-shaped room that kept growing, and the huge hall of lost objects… Both seemed awfully long, and kinda thin. I wasn't sure how the fish-shaped room with all the books fit into it exactly… But if you're putting on a show, you tend to follow a script… Maybe some of the books in that room were full of memories, like that one I saw of Doctor Salt and Hidaka talking… It would explain why it kept growing at least, memories are being made all the time. And the missing things… All the props you could possibly need to create a setting, and put on any kind of performance you wanted… I didn't think the puppet world and the world of lost things were connected, but apparently, they were. Even in Cocoro's mirror, when I walked with 'Yuyu' through the world of metal leaves and arrived here, things were no different. They were the same place…
BANG!
The sudden noise jolted me back to reality and what was going on. The scaffolding that was in the background before had been covered, but this time, instead of being a harmless cloth sky all patched together… well, it was still patched together, but this time with harsh white concrete and steel plates, like the inside of the Asclepius building. The walls curved naturally around the ends of the stage, only leaving the vast void beyond the stage exposed, like it was the edge of a cliff. The gears that were below us had disappeared, becoming a solid floor, much like the walls. Shards of broken glass littered the area, some still showing projections of the glass-and-gear clearing we were just in.
The gears and the metal leaves… It was all constructed. All of it was a lie…
I'd forgotten for a moment that the transformed Yuyu was there, until she'd crashed into my shadow, moving at the pace of a cheetah, and slammed her into the floor at the edge of the stage. Yamika was pinned in place there, by a crystal arm Yuyu seemed to have gained with her transformation. It was a vivid red and it had an odd oily sheen to it as if it were made of amorphous, and was roughly the size of her old Asclepius gauntlet. In her other hand, pointing at Yamika, was her sword.
I feel like I shouldn't have been quite as terrified as I was watching the scene. I mean, Yuyu had targeted my shadow, not myself… But looking at Yuyu's tense body, ready to strike, and her burning red eyes, wild with fury… If I hadn't been rooted to the spot with fear, I probably would have started trying to make an escape of some sort in my panic.
My shadow however, didn't seem bothered by this change of events in the slightest and was as cocky as ever. "Couldn't have what you wanted, so you made your own world?" she asked Yuyu, before turning to face me. "And you thought I was bad." She turned her eyes back to Yuyu. "What're you waiting for? I used you, I'm pissing you off, and I revealed your secret, didn't I? Just kill me. You know it won't hurt the real one, so why put it off?"
Although I'd never actually heard what 'secret' Yamika told me, Yuyu thought that was a good question, and rammed her sword through my shadow's throat, to the point of Yuyu's real hand was touching Yamika's skin. The sight was… disturbing, enough to freeze me with shock.
But that wasn't the worst part.
That happened when my shadow smirked, completely unaffected by Yuyu's attack, and grabbed the dragon-egg necklace that was now dangling within her reach, and said the words:
"Flip flapping."
Yamika's eyes began to glow fiercely, as her hair lengthened and became blood-red. Yuyu barely had time to register what had just happened, when quick as a flash, the newly transformed Yamika lashed out with and ripped the necklace away from Yuyu, throwing it into the void beyond the stage, before landing a hard kick in the copper-haired girl's stomach.
Yuyu's crystal arm faded, and she flew through the air, stiff as a statue, before landing harshly on the wooden stage floor. She seemed to want to push herself to her feet, but her remaining hand, (her sword had been knocked loose and lay a few inches away from her) could barely move. Red lines, that looked like bloody lightning bolts or plant roots, seemed to be creeping up along the outside of her arm. Her face had been grazed too, and although the wound was red like blood, it had an odd oily shine to it, like her crystal arm had moments… before…
I felt a sudden spike of fear, and my eyes opened wide, with the realisation of what was happening. Those red marks on her fingertips all that time ago, the red patches on her puppet body, and on her face right now…
It's all amorphous.
"You took your time working that one out, Yayaka. I thought you were smarter than that." Yamika taunted. I ignored my shadow and stumbled over to Yuyu to check she was okay, trying to ignore the waves of nausea and dizziness I felt. She seemed awake at least, her eyes slowly turned towards me and her mouth opened as I got within earshot.
"Yayaka…" Yuyu's voice was weak, and when she spoke it sounded like my name struggled to come out of her throat at all. Her long coppery hair had shrunk back down to its usual silver bob, and was flecked with beads of… something. Frost? …Or amorphous? As if to answer my question, as the white specks that had appeared on Yuyu began to fuse together into a solid layer. There was a weak pink tinge to it, as it was filling with colour.
"Honestly, I'm surprised she's lasted this long," Yamika said, walking over to us, "she's easily been trapped in Pure Illusion alone for a year or two, hell, maybe even longer. Cocona and Papika were too slow to track her down, and by the time they found her, it was too late. She was so far gone; she even forgot her own name…"
While my shadow spoke, more and more frost seemed to cover and grow over Yuyu, white bleeding into red, trying to encase her. I wanted to ignore Yamika, but it was difficult to block her voice out, as I was both hearing it out loud, and inside my own head. Hell, it was difficult to try and think right now. I wanted to save Yuyu, or help her, or something, but the same question 'what can I do'? was the only thought I seemed to be capable of right now, and it was infuriating. What can I do to help? What the hell can I do?!
"There's nothing you can do, Yayaka. Cocona's necklace delayed Yuyu reverting back to her original amorphous self, and now that's gone…"
I grit my teeth. My eyes narrowed, and my face screwed up into a nasty snarl. I didn't care if I was still feeling a little sick from earlier, I was gonna smack that stupid smug grin off her face. Unfortunately, Yamika also being a part of myself, and knowing everything I did, she was ready for the uppercut I tried to slam into her jaw. She'd made it out of the way with no trouble. I was unsteady on my feet, but able to stand after attempting to attack her. Despite being pissed off at all of this, my shadow saying Cocona's name had given me an idea of how to help Yuyu. But I need her here, and she's nowhere to be seen…
"Where the hell is Cocona?" I asked, growling.
Yamika raised her eyebrows. "What makes you think I know?" She answered her question with another. One that began to piss me off even more.
"You accused Yuyu's shadow of hurting Cocona, so you have to know where she is if you knew that happened!"
Some of Yamika's blood-red hair tumbled in front of her face as she gave me a condescending look. "I was talking about the time when Cocona and the amorphous kids all went to Pure Illusion themselves. Yuyu's shadow hurt her back then. I wasn't talking about anything recent."
"You told me she's locked away, and that I was tricked into coming here! You have to know something!"
"I don't know anything," She replied with a shrug.
She has to. Why isn't she telling me? My heart was pounding. My mouth was dry. My hands and legs were shaking, and the nauseous feeling I had from before was coming back as anxiety worked its way through my body. She could have been telling me the truth, but because of my paranoia, I couldn't accept that being the case. Someone's life is on the line here! She has to know something, and she's just being stubborn and not telling me! I've got to make her slip up!
"You have to have her! My visor said she was in the mirror!"
"And it was Yuyu's shadow that manipulated all of your technology, taking you to all of those worlds, including ones she was terrified of, just so she'd get a chance to hold your hand. Do you think after that Yuyu would want you to find Cocona?"
That confused me. Why would Yuyu want to hold my hand, and not want me to find Cocona? I looked back down at her to ask, and wished I hadn't. She was almost completely covered in what looked like a coat of pink ice, which grew darker every second. Watching the red colour swirl around inside it, I had a sickening thought that I could have been watching her blood being absorbed by the crystal that was forming around her. I could only imagine how much pain she was in right now.
Yamika piped up with another question. "Actually, when you got that signal in the first place, did it even occur to you to look behind the mirror before you jumped in?"
Shut up! I wanted to roar at her. I hated that she was pointing out such a simple little thing that anyone else would have had as their first thought. It made me feel so damn stupid and angry…
I didn't care anymore if smacking Yamika in the face was the last thing I should be doing, or even the last thing I'd achieve before I died, I wanted that damn bitch to shut up. Forcing myself towards her, I was surprised to find I had a better sense of balance than I was expecting on my shaky legs. I didn't wobble once as I tried to land a kick on Yamika... Well, not until my leg missed her, as Yamika sidestepped out of the way, causing me to fall on the ground again.
My shadow tutted. "You're letting your emotions get out of hand, Yayaka. The longer you focus on them, the less time Yuyu has before she fully reverts... Assuming you want to save her."
"Shut up..." I growled, glaring at her from my position on the floor. With a shaking arm, I tried to push myself to my feet again. "Tell me where Cocona is..."you have to know something. Please. I hated how desperate I was feeling. If one of the amorphous kids taught me how to use a Hole device, I'd send Yuyu back right away, but I can't do that. I need to take Yamika out, she'll never let us go otherwise… But how? She's transformed. With the amorphous necklace thrown over the side of the stage… I don't have a way to fight her without her killing me. I'm gonna need to resolve this peacefully, no matter how annoying she's being…
But how can I do that?
"You're not being very considerate, are you?" Yamika said. "Talking about finding your beloved Cocona right in front of—"
"You know that's why I'm not talking about her right now!" Just shut up and let me think for a second!
"Oh, are you sure? You know there's an easy way to get to Cocona right now. All you have to do is switch with me."
As annoyed as I was... I couldn't help wondering if she had a point there. She's transformed currently, she'd be a lot faster than me running around and searching… And if she really does know something, she's not telling me on purpose. It'd be another reason for me to switch, right? But I wasn't going to budge. "I might love Cocona more than anything in the world, but it's not me she's chosen. Her and Papika together... sure I was jealous of them, and okay, maybe I still am a little, but I came here to deal with you once and for all.
"I'm not gonna lie, maybe I am still a little tempted to switch with you. Cocona's a sweet girl, and anyone would be lucky to have her, but Papika's the lucky one. Cocona chose her, not me..." I sighed "...I hated Papika for a while, you know? Popping up out of nowhere, to take my best friend, hell my only friend and the only good thing in my life, away from me… Yeah, who wouldn'tbe pissed off at that? It took me a long time to figure out though, that we're not so different after all. We both grew up alone, worked for Asclepius... I wasn't expecting to become her friend, but I wouldn't have it any other way now. Heck, I have more friends than I thought..."
I looked back at Yuyu. My heart squeezed with fear seeing her now looking like she was pretty much a small crystal hill now, with barely her head exposed. Sadly, there wasn't really anything I could do to help her. Even if I used her to transform, I'd probably end up killing her for sure, even if using her power gave me some way to help win a fight against Yamika.
At that moment the comment Yuyu made earlier came back to me: 'because it was never me you wanted.' I wasn't entirely sure why that'd come to mind... not for a second at least, until I thought about something I wondered earlier: 'why would Yuyu want to hold my hand, and not want me to find Cocona?'
Suddenly, I thought about the sadistic smile on her face as she told Cocona the truth about me. Maybe she did want to sabotage my friendship with Cocona. She was acting like that, for the same reason I didn't like Papika at first... I honestly wasn't quite sure how I felt about Yuyu for a while because of that smile. But then later she'd remembered the things I wanted to keep from the Asclepius building. Not just that either, she'd been acting weird around me, and wanted to stay behind in Pure Illusion with me to help (even if it meant turning back into amorphous), and Yuyu's shadow made us go to all sorts of worlds the normal Yuyu would hate just so she had a chance to hold my hand...
All of that for the same reason I had a shadow in the first place...
"Yuyu, I've worked it out. You have a crush on me, don't you? That's the thing you didn't want my shadow to tell me."
Yuyu stared up at me wide-eyed. Silence hung in the air; I'd guess as she thought about how to respond. Eventually her mouth twitched and she managed a weak "yes..." Her head fell as much as it could in her current state, as if she was ashamed to admit it.
I sighed. I didn't really want to have a conversation like this now, but before I knew it, I was speaking. "I don't like how you went about it... but I can understand how you feel. If you've been alone for a long time and make a friend, you think they're the most wonderful thing in the world. You end up falling for them before you know it, and you want to do anything you can to make sure they like you, and have eyes for no one else… It can take you a while to work out what the hell you're feeling, but until then, you find yourself just sorta goofing around, being a nervous wreck or giving them gifts hoping they notice you and pick up on it… Okay, even if you do work out you have a crush on them, you still end up doing that sometimes. But I can tell you right now, people aren't good at picking up on that sorta thing, especially the one you have a crush on." I thought about the smiles Papika kept giving me back in the café and the arcade that day in town. She probably noticed that Yuyu liked me right away… "Most people are dumb with that sorta thing. I'm dumb with that sorta thing. There's no way in hell I would have realised how you felt about me unless you just straight up said it, and that's what you should do next time, instead of letting it mess with your head so damn much you end up with a shadow in Pure Illusion.
"As soon as you figure out you have a crush on someone, and like them as more than a friend, you should tell them. I know it's scary, and you don't wanna get rejected, but just be honest and go for it. I appreciate your feelings for me, Yuyu, but I can't return them, and I'm sorry about that. Next time you get a crush on someone, tell me about it, and I'll try and help you figure out how to go about it, okay?"
There was a pause as I realised what I'd just said. I'm talking like she'd actually have a chance for anything like that to happen again...
What the hell am I doing?
Tears were spilling down my face, leaving wet trails on my cheeks. Because of my crush on Cocona, I ended up with a shadow in Pure Illusion... Not just that, but I came here, to deal with my stupid shadow, so no one else had to get hurt... And Yuyu's here, dying in some horrible painful way because of me... Toto's probably got a ton of health problems now, too, just because I used him to trap myself here in the first place...
I've ruined two people's lives... And I'd thought about ruining more... all so I could be with the person I had a crush on.
I hated myself so much for all of that.
The guilt weighed me down, and I couldn't stand any longer. My legs collapsed and I could only really sit there on the floor, cursing myself for existing and for causing such a big damn mess.
"I'm sorry, Yuyu." My voice was quiet, and my throat was tight. "I don't know how I can talk about helping you the next time you get a crush, when…" you're almost dead. I paused, took a deep breath and started over. "I might not feel the same way about you, but…" I hesitated. These could be my final words to her. I swallowed, trying to work out what to say. "You've done a lot for me over the years. You've saved my life countless times. You remembered my books from Asclepius, and you gave me a painting… I appreciate all of that. I really do… and I'm sorry I can't fix this… I'm sorry I can't help you… I'm sorry you've ended up dying because of me…But I…" I swallowed again. "I'll sit here with you… for now… I… I can't let you… d-die alone…" I couldn't speak any more. My sobs were cutting me off, and I felt like I was drowning in my emotions.
A pair of arms slipped around me from the side, and gave me a gentle squeeze. I didn't give a second thought as to who it was, because I was so distressed. When I blinked my own tears away and saw Yamika there, with her flag of blood-red hair, and bright red eyes, looking just as pained as I was… it was hard to hold back my surprise.
"…why?" was all I could choke out as I cried.
My shadow managed a weak smile, "because you're being kind."
I could only blink mystified at that response. Not because my shadow, who seemed hell-bent on causing trouble had said something so... innocent, but because of the voice she spoke with. She sounded just like...
As I had that thought, Yamika began to change. The long sunset-red hair began to shrink and melt into a twilight-purple before becoming night-sky blue. The same happened to her eyes, although they stopped the colour-change when they hit purple.
"Cocoro?" I asked. The girl next to me nodded, as I could only stare in confusion. "I don't understand..."
Cocoro gave me a gentle smile. "Yamika and myself are the same person. Two sides of you. Your shadow and your kindness... Although you always had trouble seeing yourself as being kind, because you think all the kindness you ever learned was from Cocona... Well, I guess you might not be entirely wrong about that..." She pulled away from me, and although her expression was still soft (for Cocoro at least), her voice turned harsher. "You love Cocona, but you think too highly of her, it's preventing you from seeing your true self and living your life. You've pretty much just admitted it to Yuyu right now, and she's turning back to amorphous because of it. You need to move on." She stood, and took a few steps backwards, keeping her purple eyes trained on me "Destroy me and free yourself."
I blinked. I... didn't quite know what to make of Cocoro's speech. I mean... Okay, she was probably telling me the truth, but I didn't really wanna hear it, think about it, or deal with it right now when, especially Yuyu was nearly dead. Moving on from Cocona seemed like an impossible task. She was so... rooted in my life, I couldn't really picture things any other way from how they are now...
Cocoro could sense my uncertainty. I could tell she was trying to be gentle, but she sounded impatient. "You need to make a choice. I know it's not an easy one, but you're not the only one here. The longer you take making up your mind, the less chance Yuyu has of surviving."
I mentally smacked myself in the face. She's right... It was annoying I didn't really have time to think about this decision, but I had to make one soon, whether I liked it or not.
If I keep my thoughts, nothing will change. I'll still see Cocona the way I do now, my shadow would still be around... Anyone who comes to Pure Illusion could come under attack again as my shadow would try and go after anyone who isn't Cocona... I gulped. I mean, saying that, it seemed like what the obvious damn choice was, right? But... some stupid stubborn part of me was afraid of what would happen. What if Cocona stops being nice to me? What if in doing this, it has some crazy effect on the real world, like when Cocona visited her Senpai's memories?
What if things change?
That was my biggest fear about all of this. The things that could change. I didn't know how, or what exactly would happen...
It terrified me.
But I came here in the first place to destroy my shadow...
I tried to gather my courage, and picked up Yuyu's discarded sword from the ground.
I'm here now to rescue my friends and save Yuyu.
On wobbling legs that felt about as stable as a wet noodle, I stood up and took a step towards Cocoro. The sword in my hand was shaking violently to the point of it was probably drawing invisible shapes in the air.
As much as I want Cocona for myself, it's gonna cause more chaos than good if things carry on that way. It's not just Yuyu who'll be in danger.
I swallowed as I stood a few feet away from Cocoro. Her impatient look turned to an encouraging smile. I took a deep breath, swallowed hard, and raised Yuyu's sword.
Cocona's made her choice, and she chose Papika, not me. I need to respect that.
I took aim.
I love Cocona more than anything, and because of that, I need to move on, and set her free from my mind.
"I'm sorry," I said as I squeezed my eyes shut. I thrust the sword swiftly into Cocoro's body. There was a quiet crackle, and the scrape of metal on glass as it made contact, sinking into her. As much as I didn't want to, I opened my eyes. The image of a purple-eyed Cocona riddled with cracks wasn't a pretty sight, and I know it'd stick with me forever. Cocoro's face fragmented further as she gave me a small smile, like she was trying to say she was proud of me. Barely a moment later her body fell apart until she was nothing more than shards on the floor.
My legs finally gave way at that point. I don't really know how to describe how I felt next, but it was like my mind had broken. A part of me had been destroyed, and it was too much for me to handle. The pain in my ribs and my shoulder suddenly grew a thousand-fold, and my head got fuzzy as I blacked out.
Authors note: Holy FISH that took a while. I'm sorry about that. I've been bouncing back and forth between at least 3 variations of this chapter for over 2 months now, unable to decide which fit the story best, or which one made the most sense. I've stumbled over so many damn roadblocks (or I guess writer's block) in trying to get this friggin' thing to work. Eventually I had to power-read all 180k+ words of this fic up to the most recent chapter to try and work things out exactly. I feel I still messed up somewhere along the line, as I wrote a few scraps of things in the story I'd completely forgotten about, that were meant to be hints to things that may have led nowhere after all of that. I've been trying to work out how to tie it all in/together, and I think that was too much for me to handle. Being unable to tie in all little things like that (which lead to headaches every single time)... I feel this chapter isn't quite as big or epic or anything as I was planning it to be, but it was the one I felt was most suitable for the story.
I feel the scene with Yayaka talking to Yuyu about how to handle a future crush may seem a little odd or out of place... originally it was a lot longer, but that was probably because I overthink half of everything and was super worried about how some thoughts and actions have been throughout the story. I'm worried that I may have played Yuyu as a little manipulative, and I can understand if you don't like her for that if that's how she turned out, or even if you don't like the story for how that was handled. That's part of what I feel I messed up at some point, how I made Yuyu's character and how I showed her/wrote her in the fic. I'm not always aware of what I've written/said or how it can come across until years later sometimes. I'm hoping stuff in the story was ok.
Next chapter should be the last one. Thanks for your patience with all of this.
