Disclaimer: I don't own Leverage. Dean Devlin and TNT do. So don't sue.
Author's Note: Hello all! I haven't decided if this is going to be a one shot or if I'm going to add a few more chapters. So please review if you want to read more!
Part One: Telephone – Lady Gaga featuring Beyonce
Part Two: U + UR Hand – Pink
Part Three: It's My Party (And I'll Cry If I want To) – Amy Winehouse
Part One: Telephone
Eliot's Apartment
"Hello?" Eliot growled as he snatched up the phone in his apartment. It was supposed to be his day off, but things weren't going as planned.
"Hi, is this Eliot Spencer?"
"Depends on whose askin'." The hitter warned. He wasn't admitting anything that would interrupt his peace of mind.
"Look I'm really sorry to bother you, but it's Cora. From the bar?"
Hmmm…maybe this day wouldn't be so bad after all… "Alright, ya got me." Eliot drawled flirtatiously. "What can I do for ya sweetheart?"
"Uh…I need you to come down here right away. Your friend is super drunk, and I can't get her upstairs by myself."
"Friend?" Eliot echoed, confused. He had a lot of friends, but most of them could hold their liquor. "What exactly does this friend look like?"
"Um…skinny, blonde hair, pony tail, dressed in black. I would tell you her name, but she won't give it to me."
With a sinking feeling, Eliot described the one person he hoped to God it wasn't. "Petite blonde? Slippery when you try to get a hold of her? Answers to the name of Parker?
"Her ID says Alice White."
"That's her." Eliot sighed, making a face.
"Please, Mr. Spencer, you have to help me. I've tried talking to her, but she won't even look my way. On the other hand, she and the coat rack are getting along famously."
"Of course they are." Eliot muttered. "Why did you call me?"
"Well, I overheard her…uh…conversation – if you could call it that. She was talking about her friends Hardison and Eliot. I know I should have called Hardison, but yours is the only number I could find."
"Perfect." There went his day off.
Do you want to talk to her?"
"No. Better to catch her off guard. Otherwise she'll bolt. I'll be there in five. Don't tell her I'm coming."
"Thank you! Thank you so much!"
The dial tone was her only answer apart from a barely contained "Dammit Parker."
Part Two: Pink – U + UR Hand
McRory's Bar
"YOU BITCH!"
Everyone turned to stare at the man Parker had just punched in the face. To be fair he'd had it coming. His hand hadn't left her backside in the past 30 seconds, so she'd decided to forcibly remove it.
"You STUPID whore!" He cried, holding his bloody nose. "And to THINK I was doing you a favor. Next time I'll find someone who I don't feel sorry for. I know you're not much in the looks department, but who knew you were a psycho to boot?"
That did it.
Parker's vision started to blur. Whether it was from holding back tears or from knocking back the alcohol she couldn't tell. All she knew was that Hardison was on a date, and there was no one she could turn to for guidance.
The team was supposed to be taking a break before the next big job. Hence Sophie and Nate were on vacation under strict orders not to be bothered. Eliot was nowhere to be found; and, she didn't think he'd appreciate playing nursemaid to her anyhow. She'd probably just piss him off. Again.
But that's how it always went. She tended to bring out the worst in people…especially when she was upset. That was exactly the reason she'd decided to entrust her feelings to inanimate objects; and, since Bunny wasn't here, she went for the next best thing. At least "Mr. Hat" wouldn't judge her for being awkward and confused and sad.
The same couldn't be said for the unlucky person yelling up a storm in front of her. She'd been perfectly fine talking to the coat rack until this jackass had started hitting on her.
Naturally, she wanted to kill him. However, the damn tears were starting to get in the way. Nobody had spoken to her like that in a long time, and she was bound and determined to give as good as she'd got.
Though, no sooner did she open her mouth to retort than she caught movement out of the corner of her eye. Once again, she picked up her butter knife, poised and ready to strike. Only she never got the chance.
"Parker." Eliot acknowledged, clearing his throat to signal the fact that he was right behind her. The knife dropped as he grabbed her wrist – just hard enough to make her lose her grip. "This guy bothering you?"
The blonde practically swayed on her feet. Clearly she was inebriated…but she wouldn't let Eliot see that. "I can handle it Sparky."
"Maybe so. But you shouldn't have to." Eliot turned his menacing gray-green eyes on the guy who was about to get his ass kicked. "Besides, I'm part owner and that means I reserve the right to throw certain morons out on their ass."
Parker took a tiny bit of satisfaction as the guy's face turned three shades of pale.
"Don't bother." He stammered. "I'll leave on my own. Good luck with this bitch though." He cursed under his breath.
Eliot stepped directly in front of his escape route. "What did you just call her?"
"You heard me." He stated clearly, a bit louder this time.
"You kiss your momma with that mouth?"
"My mother's deceased." The man answered smartly.
Eliot cracked his knuckles, relishing the involuntary flinch that came with that sound.
"That's just as well, because if you open your mouth one more time you're gonna end up joining her."
Stepping behind the man, he managed to grab a fistful of the guy's shirt while escorting him towards the door. In true fashion, he literally shoved the man's ass out of the opening with his foot. Satisfied with the thud on the sidewalk, he turned and made his way back to Parker.
Part Three: It's My Party – Amy Winehouse
McRory's Bar
He found her wiping off snot on a napkin. It was the only way he could tell that she'd been crying.
"You know you can't just go around stabbing people when you get spooked." He began.
Parker rolled her eyes. "I wasn't spooked. You snuck up on me. And not very well I might add."
"I could have been the barkeep."
"You're not sloppy enough to be the barkeep."
Cora (who was watching the entire exchange) glared sideways at her.
Warning her with a shake of his head, Eliot took charge. "It's alright Cora. I got it from here."
Parker scowled back at the bartender, quickly realizing who exactly was to blame for this unexpected babysitting service.
"I don't see why I can't stab people who stalk me. You do it all the time."
"Yeah. To people who deserve it. Not innocent bystanders."
"That guy totally deserved it."
"Yeah, but what did I do?
"Well you shouldn't have snuck up on me and Mr. Hat like that."
"Mr. H-…?"
Parker unsteadily pointed to her new best friend. The coat rack. And laughed.
Eliot's mouth opened and closed as he fished for something to say. For some unknown reason, the first words out of his mouth were "Has Hardison been letting you watch South Park again?"
The last time Parker had watched the show, she'd nearly burned down the apartment. All because she thought it would be funny to make little construction paper Kennys – trying to kill them all in various ways. The tipping point was when he had gone to use the microwave and practically started a fire thanks to yet another poorly placed doll.
"For your information, no." Parker retaliated. "Hardison hasn't been letting me do much of anything lately. Mostly because he hasn't been around."
"You know Hardison." The hitter coaxed, trying his best to be sympathetic. He's probably off somewhere playing World of Warcraft. More likely in a diabetic coma from all that orange soda he's been downing."
"I wish." Parker snorted. "But he's not. He's on a date."
"He actually got a date? With who?" Seeing Parker's annoyed look, he quickly amended it with "No offence…"
"None taken Sparky. He's with that slut from the coffeehouse. He left me alone today Eliot. Today of all days. I mean, it's my fuck-...my fuckin- … More tears welled up and she couldn't bring herself to finish.
Eliot pulled up a stool and sat down across from her, careful not to touch her inadvertently.
"Here. Drink this." He ordered. "Then try again."
Parker downed the glass of water in one shot. She was clearly expecting vodka because one eye was open and she was eyeing the contents in disgust.
"I don't wanna be sober."
"You don't have a choice. You're going to talk to me instead of the damn coat rack."
"Mr. Hat."
"Whatever!" Eliot burst out, quickly losing his patience. Taking a deep breath he tried again.
"What's going on Parker? Why are you so antsy?"
"Because." She whispered.
"Because why?"
"Because it's Alice's birthday today." She bit out.
"What's so important about a made up date?"
"You don't understand! Alice's birthday is my birthday." She intoned.
"Parker…Alice is just an alias."
"I KNOW that. But her birthday ISN'T made up. It's MY birthday. I'M Alice." She blurted. "Look, I don't know when my real birthday is, but Alice knows when hers is. So her birthday is the same as mine."
"You mean you don't know your own birth date? Are you telling me you never even looked at your birth certificate?"
"I don't have a birth certificate. I don't even know who my mom is. She was homeless when she had me. There's no record. Trust me I checked. I even had Hardison check. There's nothing. NOTHING. And he knows how important this day is. He KNOWS. And he big fat left anyway."
"That's because Hardison is an idiot. I couldn't tell ya if he's being stupid on purpose, because half the time it's hard to tell. But for the most part he's just oblivious."
"Yeah, I got that loud and clear." Parker snuffled. Snot was getting the better of her again. "But I told Mr. Hat all about it. He didn't argue with me, not once. You should try talking to him too. I bet he could help you with your anger issues."
"I DON'T HAVE…!" Taking a deep breath, Eliot composed himself before he went postal. "Come on Parker, it's time to say goodbye to Mr. Hat."
"I don't wanna!"
"Trust me, you do."
"Leave me alone Eliot." She tried pushing him off his chair, but ended up falling off of hers instead.
Eliot did his level best not to laugh. Instead, he got a hold of her arm and pulled her into a fireman's carry over his shoulder. "You're too drunk to fight. Besides, where I'm going, there's cake. And coffee. Lots and lots of coffee."
"Put me down!" She slurred. Not that it made a difference.
"You gonna make me?" He challenged, knowing full well she couldn't. "I'll make it worth your while. Soon as you get sober, I'm throwing you a birthday party."
