This had less content than I would have liked, but I was really stuck on this chapter. I do, however, have some really good content coming up, so I'm content to let this chapter build the world a little bit.

Whipped Cream & Other Delights

TheHarleyQueen


Before reading this chapter, please be advised that Riley has two panic attacks in this chapter. They are not particularly graphic, but if you are worried, feel free to message me for a detailed summary of the chapter.


The day after her sentence was over, Riley went to Farkle's house... apartment… floor. They were lounging in a blanket fort, watching The Theory of Everything on Farkle's movie TV (not to be confused with his gaming TV. It was Farkle's worst-kept secret that his parents tried to buy his love to excuse them from not being around). Riley had watched it when it came out and immediately thought of Farkle. He had refused to watch it though, saying that he didn't want to affect his opinion of Hawking's work with an emotional opinion about Hawking himself. She'd been pestering him about watching the movie for the last year, every single time they had a movie night, and when she'd opened her mouth to begin the well-worn argument, he'd surprised her by agreeing to watch it, right off the bat. Hell, he'd even brought out the disk- he'd been prepared. She would have questioned that, too, but then he'd flashed her a crooked grin and tossed her a bag of microwavable popcorn, and she'd let it slide.

But she couldn't keep her attention on the movie. At first, she'd only looked over once or twice to make sure he was paying attention, wasn't just humouring her by playing the movie. Then she'd noticed how into it he seemed and started glancing over semi-regularly to see his reaction to a particular scene. Now, they were three-quarters of the way through and she hadn't looked at the screen in five minutes, too taken with how taken he was with the film.

When the credits started to roll, they left it. It was a time-honoured tradition of Riley/Maya/Farkle to play a movie until it was completely over, and that included all of the credits. So they stared at each other, tears glistening in Farkle's eyes, while Arrival of the Birds played around them. Then Farkle pulled her against his side and pressed a kiss against her cheek, burrowing his face into her hair. In response, she tucked her face into his neck, and they lay there, wrapped in blankets until the sounds of the movie faded out entirely.

"Riley," Farkle whispered, and she knew what he wanted to talk about- two weeks ago, when she'd gone completely mad in the cafeteria, which had resulted in her getting grounded for two weeks. She mumbled a response against his skin, "Riley, I think you have a panic disorder."

Just like that, her entire world came crashing down onto her. She wrenched away from him, scrambling to collect her shoes and hastily pulling them on, managing to put them on the wrong feet and then struggling to correct her mistake. In her madness, Farkle wrapped his thin arms around her, making it impossible for her to move. She hadn't realised, before, how strong Farkle actually was (she knew he's had a personal trainer from a very young age, his parents more concerned with how his image affected their social circles than their own son) and now she couldn't pull herself from his grasp. He started whispering nothings into her ear, his chest rising and falling against her back, and slowly, she matched her breath to his, her eyes fluttering shut. He was her height and still growing, well on his way to being six feet.

When she came back into herself, she realised that he was whispering symptoms against her skin.

"-heart rate, feeling of choking, abdominal distress, sensations of shortness of breath or smothering, fear of losing control or "going crazy", chest pain, feeling lightheaded, chills or heat sensations, derealisation or depersonalisation. Riley, you had a panic attack." She just rested her head on his shoulder, keeping her eyes closed. She wasn't broken. She hadn't had a panic attack. She didn't have a reason to.

He kept his arms wrapped around her, pinning hers to her sides.

"Look, Riley, I can't tell you what to do, but-" She didn't want to hear it. She'd had been in life skills in middle school, had heard the 'correct steps' for dealing with a friend with a problem for three years in a row.

"No, Farkle you can't," she turned herself in his grasp so that their breath was occupying the same space, "I- the- Farkle, whatever the hell happened two weeks ago, you can't tell anyone. Please, I'm begging you. If you love me at all-" and she could see the pain in his, because she knew he loved her and she kept using this against him, "you won't tell anyone about what happened in the bathroom. Please, Farkle." She could feel the tears dripping off her chin, could feel the sticky track on her face, and she could see that Farkle's eyes were also brimming with unshed tears, but this was so much bigger than them, and she didn't want this to become who they were, keeping secrets from the rest of their group, but the very thought of two weeks ago left her cold and scared and feeling like her chest had closed down.

"But, Riley, if it happens again-"

"If it happens again, I'll deal with it. Everyone else has enough to deal with. Maya's stressed because her mom's up for a role, Lucas is having problems in his classes, and Zay has a recital coming up. I'm not putting this on them."

Farkle just pulled her tighter against him and said nothing. She didn't try to make him. She didn't know when everything got so complicated.


She was in Chemistry the next time she felt that wrongness. Quickly, the lights became too bright, the white fluorescent baring her soul to the class. She was hit by a brick wall of fear and she wanted to claw out her trachea, wanted to breathe, felt like she was going to die, right there in Chem, with Farkle's eyes dancing over her in worry.

The bench they were sitting at was too hard, and her notes in front of her, carefully plain and readable (she had a terrible handwriting, usually) didn't look like anything she had ever seen before. She felt like she was floating, and dying, and she couldn't look away from the corner of her notes, where a thick black mark of ink had been spilt.

From nowhere, she remembered a moment last year when she'd been joking around and had said- "Please direct me to the edge of the earth. I assume it's near the river." Well, she was in the middle of the river, off the edge of the world, then, because she was drowning and all the wanted to do was bring her knees up against her and to press her head into Farkle's chest.

And Farkle, her sweet, intuitive Farkle, he stood up and quietly spoke to Ms Murphy and tried to lead her out of class, whispering to her to wrap one of her arms around her abdomen, to make it look like she was ill (she was ill, she was dying). But she couldn't, she'd miss the class and wouldn't understand the notes, how did he not understand this? It took a hurried, whispered debate, but eventually, she conceded to go to the medbay if Farkle stayed in Chemistry to take notes. He sighed, but sat back on the bench stool, promising to pack up her things if the period ended and she wasn't back.

Riley didn't go to the nurse.

Rather, she ducked into the first bathroom she could find, bending over one of the porcelain sinks, breathing heavily. She splashed cold water across her face, but the droplets just clung to her eyelashes and made them too thick and made it look like she'd been crying {all she wanted to do was cry}. She dug her fingers into her hair and placed her weight on the sink, and suddenly breathing wasn't the hardest concept she knew anymore, but rather standing up, taking her weight by herself. Strains of songs floated through her head.

When the bathroom door slammed open and she caught sight of Farkle standing just outside the bathroom, she finally let go, heaving sobs racking her body and heavy tears falling from her eyes. She let him gather her up in those thin, strong arms. She and Farkle sunk to the floor together, the cold, dirty floor coming up to meet them.

He held her as she sobbed, and she had never been more grateful that she and Farkle were the only ones from their group in the Chemistry slot this year, because she was already seeing her dad's blackboard covered in names like J.K. ROWLING and PRINCESS DIANA, because if Maya and Lucas were in this class, this would have been reported to her dad before the bell rang.

This time, Riley didn't have the privilege of leaving school, of going to lie on Farkle's bed and do nothing. This time, she had to pick herself up off the floor when the bell rang, had to wipe her eyes on her forearms and splash more water on her face and then walk off to English, because going to the nurse meant her dad finding out, and not going to the nurse meant ditching school.

So after Chemistry, Riley just… went on with her day. She sat next to Maya in English and giggled and gossiped, and she let Lucas wrap his arm around her at lunch, let him press small kisses to her cheek and her lips and her neck (even though they were sitting with Farkle and Maya and Zay and Smackle and it didn't seem appropriate to her) because she thought it was cute that he liked her so much. She went to History after break and sat through another Career Day {in one universe, Maya had kidnapped Anastasia Boulangerie so that her mother would get a better chance at the role written for her. In this timeline, Maya didn't kidnap anyone, and Bobbie Jo Thibodeaux was never reunited with Katy Grace Clutterbucket after Anastasia Boulangerie came into the picture, in this universe, Katy Hunter got the part in the movie because Anastasia Boulangerie remembered being Bobbie Jo Thibodeaux, but the role in Heart, 2016 didn't kickstart the acting career she'd once dreamt of- that was okay, though, because Katy Hunter had different dreams from Katy Grace Clutterbucket and was perfectly happy with her wonderful daughter and her wonderful husband}.

She went to Topanga's after school, with Maya, and the girls sat at their table for hours, working on their assigned essays for Lord of the Flies. Lucas came by to join them after JV Football practice and Maya moved to a different couch to give them space to sit together (and maybe Riley missed Maya's soft warmth pressed against her thigh, but that didn't mean she didn't want to sit next to her boyfriend). She smiled at Farkle when he came in with Smackle after he finished Debate club and she Chess club (the couple had agreed to take up different extracurriculars so as not to completely dominate all other competition in their respective activities), and grinned at him when he bought her a danish and pulled out his Chemistry notes and began to copy them for her.

Really, it was like Chemistry had never happened. And Riley couldn't have been more grateful.


Her date with Lucas was lovely. They'd both been busy, him with football and her with SAGA and studying, and they hadn't had a chance to go on a date (just the two of them) in over a month. But it was sweet. The place was just down the road from Topanga's, but even that small distance guaranteed them that Maya's mom wouldn't be spying on them and reporting back to her mother. They sat cross-legged on couches and ate from a menu that was basically an assortment of takeout food (she got Chinese, he got a good strong American burger).

They talked about everything and nothing, really. They shared theories about the Red Planet Diaries finale and she talked about her and Maya's plans for the weekend (they were running lines with Maya's mom, as Morgan and Richard, the B Story romance between Katelyn's daughter and her best friend in Heart). She did her 'male voice' and Lucas made fun of the overtly-Texan Lachlan's lines- "I'm wearing my cowboy hat!".

And… she really, really liked Lucas. She enjoyed spending time with him and liked talking about the farm his family owned and the stories he came back with, liked splitting ice-cream with him, liked everything about him.

That was why she was so shocked when their date became the next time she- had a panic attack (really, she couldn't deny it anymore). She couldn't have said why- she couldn't pinpoint the downwards spiral on a specific moment. She remembered a Justin Bieber song playing, remembered Lucas calling the waitress over and asking politely for the check, remembered smoothing her sweaty palms down on the denim skirt she was wearing, remembered excusing herself to the bathroom after paying, before they left.

After that- there was a gap, really. Somewhere in her walk to the bathroom, her pace picked up until she was nearly sprinting to lock herself in the bathroom stall, where she sat on the toilet, head resting in her hands as she tried to breathe slowly, to calm her racing heart. She massaged her temples and tried to think but she was shaking and her breath was coming in heaving gasps. It felt like her lungs had locked themselves up, felt like a hand had reached inside her and was twisting the organs just below her ribcage. She hated it. She'd been on dates with Lucas before, had never had a problem. She fumbled over her phone, unlocking the screen and sending Farkle a single message.

Can I call you?

But even as she watched the ticks, begging God to let them appear as blue, the message didn't deliver, so she had to be the one to slow her breathing, the way he'd coached her. She had to leave the bathroom before she felt ready because she couldn't let anything on, and she had to put on her face, without the help of her best friend {since when had Farkle been given the title of Best Friend without Maya being mentioned in the same sentence?}.

Riley wouldn't always have Farkle to rely on- couldn't. That wasn't how the world worked. But even when Riley was swept away by the river's currents, she had his advice. His advice that steered her to the shore of the river, away from the edge of her world.