The apathy hit at the same time as finals. Riley had never experienced something so awful before, but she couldn't be bothered to do something about it. Because she couldn't study, couldn't think straight, some days she could barely muster up the strength to walk down the stairs.
Her time with Lucas and Maya and Farkle was cut short because of all the time she was spending not studying, and then the time she spent trying to make it up in the middle of the night, and she could hardly bring herself to care about it.
She sat at her desk, staring blankly at Spanish notes covered in beautiful highlights that sat in front of her. Hungry, but couldn't be bothered to go find something to eat. Tired, but scared that if she closed her eyes, she'd never open them again.
She heard someone push they bay window open.
"Do you think you can come back some other time?" Se asked, not even bothering to turn around and find out who it was. Only so many people came through the bay window, "I'm just- I'm really busy studying right now, and-"
"I know you are, Riley," it was Lucas's voice behind her, and his body that pressed against her back when his arms wrapped around her, folding into a hug, "Because you've been really busy studying for weeks. And you're going to do amazing on these exams, but you need a break, baby. You'll drive yourself mad like this. Take an hour break. C'mon, baby. It's a Friday." She smiled softly, not letting him see, before schooling her face and spinning her chair around to face him.
"Why should I?" she challenged, but a smirk was already itching at the corners of her lips.
"Well, 'cause I packed a picnic for us, and it would be a real shame to let it go to waste," he told her, holding up a backpack.
"And, y'know, we haven't been on a date since it was decided that you're staying," he smiled at her hopefully, and she felt her resolve crumble. "Half an hour," she stipulated, "And I can't go too far."
"You don't have to go anywhere, Riles," he affirmed {don't call me Riles}, spreading out a knitted blanket on the floor and tossing a couple of pillows from her bed down as well.
He knew her well, there was no denying it.
They sat down to mini muffins that his mom had made, and orange juice from the shop down the street.
"So, Maya has invited us to a… slam poetry thing, I think? After the exams. What do you think? I mean- me, personally, I'm not major into poetry, but it's at a coffee place that apparently does amazing hot chocolate. It sounds like it could be fun." She stared out the window, chewing slowly, getting her thoughts in order. It would be fun, for the six of them to spend time together. They hadn't really done that since London. Since before Farkle and Smackle broke up. The exams had been keeping them all busy, and most of the time they'd been spending together was during study sessions at Topanga's.
Maya had actually tried to invite her to a slam poetry evening last week when Zay was interested in going. Riley had begged off, claiming the need to study. But obviously they'd gone, and really enjoyed it.
"Riley?"
She snapped back to look at him, a broad smile on her face and worry in her eyes. "We should definitely go. It sounds brilliant."
"But?"
She smiled a half-smile and put her hand on his. "But, I was thinking about our friend group. Farkle and Smackle just broke up. And I'm worried for Zay and Maya. And Josh. How is this arrangement going to work?"
He ran a hand through his hair, and wound his fingers through hers, "I don't know." He said. "I really don't. Zay… really likes Maya. Has liked her for a while, I think. And Maya…" he trailed off, a kindness, not wanting to say anything about the friend that they both adored so much.
"Maya's liked Josh for years," she told him, "It only became serious when we were fourteen, but I remember my birthday parties when we were like, nine, and Josh was twelve. He always spent time with us, but Maya would, like, follow him around. She thought he was amazing. And she still does."
"I love Maya, and I love Josh. And they clearly love each other, in some way. Even if it's a teenage infatuation. But Zay's one of my best friends, too, and I can't let him get hurt. Lucas, if he thinks he's going to- win Maya over, or something, he's going to get his heart broken."
For a long while, Lucas didn't say anything. What was there to say? She reached over and rubbed the crease between his eyebrows, and he met her eyes, flashing a quick smile.
"You're right." He told her. "You're right, and I don't even want to say it, but it's true. And it doesn't mean I don't love- it doesn't mean Maya's any less my friend. But, Riley, we can't do anything."
"We can-"
"No. Please don't- it's not like-" He broke off, and pulled her hands up to his lips to kiss her knuckles, "Sometimes, people's hearts are stronger than their heads. This is one of those times, I think. Even if we tried to explain this to Zay, he wouldn't listen, I don't think."
"They'll break each other's hearts," she warned, and he sighed softly in response.
"Yes. They will. But sometimes, that's the only option. Like with Farkle and Smackle." She raised an eyebrow.
"Farkle and Smackle- they're so much alike. They used science to justify being together for ages. They were more ready for a relationship than you and me, but they weren't going to last. Even if they'd planned on going to the same college, I think. They just both want more out of life."
She bit the inside of her cheek, trying to find the right way to phrase what she wanted to say.
"Riley?"
"It's just… you think Smackle and Farkle were inevitably going to break up, but when I thought we might not last until next year..." she trailed off. She didn't want to ruin their day with this. Lucas drew a deep breath and nodded.
"Yeah. I… was wrong, about that. I thought about it a lot, especially after the whole thing with you maybe going away. And I realised you were right. That we weren't a definite, that something could possibly break us apart. And I just kept thinking about this one thing I said to you- I said that if we were expecting to break up, why should we bother with dating until then. And eventually, I realised that you go into every relationship- friendship, romance, all of it. Thinking there's a chance it won't work out, but you do it anyway, on the off chance that you're wrong. I was wrong about this, Riley. I'm hoping you were wrong about us."
"Me too."
She shifted so she could lean back against him, and they let the silence linger for several moments.
"I love you." He said it out of the blue. He'd said it before, at the ski lodge, and in fights, but never like this, never an unprompted declaration just because he wanted to. She melted into him even more, letting her body conform to the shape of his. "You don't have to say it back, I know you're still-"
"I love you too." For a couple of seconds, there was just quiet, even though she could feel his smile pressed against her hair.
"That's the first time you've told me that since we were in Texas."
"The context was very different then," she agreed, turning her head to brush a light kiss against his lips. He moved his head to meet her. "But I do. I love you. And I want you to know that."
"You know you never have to say yes to anything I ask?" he checked, and she hummed in assent. He let out a soft half-laugh, stroking her hair. "Well, as long as you know that, I'd like to ask if I can kiss you again?" His voice went up at the end of his sentence. She moved again, so that she was sitting cross-legged across from him, and kissed him. His hand caught her jaw and held her there, soft and gentle.
She drew back slightly, and their foreheads resting together. They breathed each other in, the late afternoon light falling across their faces.
"After our talk, when we thought you were moving to London, I thought we'd broken up," Lucas told her. "For like a good couple of hours, I just thought that, even though you weren't leaving, you weren't- you didn't want- I knew that we wouldn't try a long distance relationship, but I was worried that you didn't want to keep trying when you were here. After all the fighting we've done recently? I was scared."
She'd been scared, too. After her mom had told them they were staying, she hadn't known what the conversations she'd had when she thought she was leaving meant. Whether they still counted, or whether it had been a things-I'd-only-say-if-we'll-never-see-each-other-again type of conversation. Eventually, she'd decided to remember the sentiment and ignore the decisions about what they'd be if she was a thousand miles away {had decided to ignore Farkle, because when she thought about him she thought about kissing when the credits rolled and she thought about Mars and her panic disorder}. And she'd sent Lucas a text- just a short one, at first, telling him she was glad she was his girlfriend. He'd responded with a heart, and they'd never brought it up again. But she hadn't thought that the waiting had affected Lucas. It hadn't even occurred to her.
"I'm sorry. I didn't know-"
"Don't be sorry. It's absolutely fine that you needed time. But. Riley, I don't ever want you out of my life. I love talking to you, being around you. It's some of the best parts of my day. So, I wanted to ask you, even if we break up- promise me we'll still be friends."
"Yes."
She knew it was a promise she might not be able to keep. If they broke up, both of them would be hurt by it. That was the nature of these things, but he looked so hurt, and scared, and tired, that she didn't feel like she could explain that now.
"Yes. Yes, of course. Above whatever else are, we're friends. Best friends. You, and me. And Maya and Farkle. And Zay and Smackle. It's us, all of us, no matter what."
She ran a thumb across his jaw and leaned in.
"Can I kiss you?"
"Yeah."
After the exams, she and Lucas went to the poetry evening. Her marks had been fine, just as Lucas had promised they would be, and she and Lucas were better than ever.
She and Farkle were worse than ever. She'd hardly spoken to him since the scandal of London. Since she'd kissed him. Because she was with Lucas, and she was happy with Lucas, and she'd decided that that was what she needed to focus on. Because when she was around her best friend, she faltered, sometimes. She became too vulnerable. Became unfocused.
When she arrived with a knitted black beret and her boyfriend on her arm, Maya had immediately pulled them over to a small corner, filled mostly by a soft sofa and Zay.
They engaged in all the usual small talk, but when Zay mentioned that Smackle and Farkle weren't invited, Riley blinked in surprise. And after she'd sent the boys off for drinks, she asked Maya why.
She put her hand on the back of the neck and said, "Well, it's kind of a double date thing? And we didn't want them to feel awkward or pressured, I mean, they only broke up not so long ago. And you know, they've been civil and it's really like they never dated, but we didn't want to make it a whole thing."
"It's a double date thing?" Riley echoed. "Maya- what about Josh? What about the long game?"
"I'm still waiting on my long game, Riley. And I still think it's going to be Josh. But in the meantime, I want to have fun. I still want to go on dates and live my life." And Riley understood the urge, so she said nothing, even though she was thinking about how Josh had asked after Maya at dinner, how he'd slumped just a little after she'd told him that she thought that Maya and Zay were still maybe-dating.
She didn't say anything about it for the rest of the night, deciding to just relax and enjoy herself instead. And it was fun, she had to admit that. Good entertainment, good hot chocolate. Good company.
They stopped at Topanga's before Lucas dropped her off. The coffee shop had been brilliant, but they didn't do pastries like Topanga's did.
That was where they bumped into Farkle.
She'd stared at him, slightly embarrassed. Now that she was confronted with him, truly and properly for the first time since she'd kissed him, she felt a bit ridiculous for ignoring him the way she had.
"What are you doing here?" It slipped out before she even knew what she was saying. And why would she say that? He was more than welcome to be here, in this coffee shop where the six of them spent most of their time, regardless of whether it was below her building or not.
"Danish," he said, holding up a brown paper bag in explanation. "And, uh, I was kind of hoping I'd see you. For the first time in weeks." He looked a bit put out, and she couldn't blame him.
"Riley, can we talk?"
She glanced over to where Lucas, Maya and Zay were ordering, and then nodded, ushering him out the door.
They stood in the spring air for a moment, silent. Both remembering the last time they were standing outside Topanga's with a secret between them.
"I'm not going to tell anyone." This time. He rubbed his fingers across his brow, and the words seemed to stick in his throat.
"If that's what you're scared of, I mean. If that's why you won't talk to me. I know I don't have a great track record, but-"
"I'm sorry!" the words burst from her, without her permission. "I shouldn't have ignored you. It was mean and petty, and unfair."
"Yeah, it was." He agreed quietly. But then he sighed.
"Riley even if- even if it worked, between us- which we don't know that it wouldn't- I mean-" he changed track, "not that we'd specifically want it to or anything, but." He cut himself off and took a deep breath.
"Riles. We're teenagers. We're meant to be doing dumb shit, and on top of that," his lip quirked up in the way it did when he found something ironic, "Both of us have way too many issues to be considering that now. Because Riley and Farkle are forever. And if we wanted to change anything between us-"
"That would be for forever too." It was something Riley knew to be true. She and Maya were forever. She and Farkle were forever. And if either of them would ever consider a romantic relationship with her {something that she ached for, sometimes. Maya, her sun. Precious and feminine and wild. Or Farkle, her Mars. Kind and clever and beautiful}, that relationship would be the last one she'd ever want. Her Cory&Topanga relationship.
Farkle nodded.
"Yeah. And you have a boyfriend you're happy with, a boyfriend that you love." It wasn't him providing reasons for something that couldn't do. It was him stating a fact.
"I love you too."
"I know."
"You're my best friend."
"What about Maya?" he asked, a small smile playing on his lips.
"Maya is too. So are Lucas, and Zay, and Smackle. All of you are my best friends. I refuse to choose." They held each other's gaze for another second, and a million moments flashed between them {Romeo and Juliet-study nights- here comes the sun- dancing around the art theory room- in Topanga's with Mila and Emma- New Years Day- rubbing BELGIUM 1831 off the board}.
Then she pulled him in for a hug, breathing in the scent of him. They were Riley and Farkle. It would take a lot more than a couple of kisses to drive them apart.
Chapter Notes:
Gather around kids, and let me tell you the story of what happens when you write an AU and then don't update for several months: you forget what you changed. I went back and rewrote half this chapter because I forgot that Riley and Farkle kissed in the previous one.
Speaking of which- I do not condone cheating. At all. But sometimes we write characters who do bad things. Riley and Farkle are not bad people. Farkle isn't trying to give them a 'reason' to not cheat when he says that Riley has a boyfriend that she loves. He's not reminding them of that to keep them from cheating. It's an honest observation. And he doesn't want to get in the way of that.
This chapter was really important to me. I wanted to show that Lucas has flaws, yes, but he's also a good person. He's kind and loving and deeply cares for Riley. And he's learning. He'd never considered bisexuality before, and he's gathering new knowledge, forming new opinions. That didn't come through particularly strongly in this chapter, but it will soon.
Lucas isn't a step on the path to Farkle for Riley. He's her boyfriend, and she loves him. Even if we know Riarkle is going to be endgame, Riley doesn't. At the moment, Lucas could be just as permanent of a fixture in his life as Maya or Farkle would be- possibly even more because he's the one she's in a relationship with.
Girl Meets World was about adolescent trials and had it been on another network, it would have been like Boy Meets World in that it was about real struggles. I want that to carry through, now that I've chosen to finish what Disney started. I hope that it will satisfy.
Love,
TheHarleyQueen
P.S. I know I came back after several months of no updates with a 300-word chapter note. I know.
