For Riley, the summer of 2016 arrived with her first Pride festival after coming out. The march was happening on the 26th of June, two days after school ended, and she'd planned it meticulously. She wasn't going to let this day go wrong, not when it was her first Pride march since she'd come out (well, mostly- she'd never explicitly told her parents, but she didn't hide it either). Josh was staying over the night before, so they could get to Abingdon Square early to watch the start of the parade, where Uncle Shawn was going to meet them there with Maya. She'd even organised for Farkle, Smakcle, Lucas and Zay to meet them around one o' clock so that they could see everything that New York Pride could be. She couldn't wait.
But before that, there were two days. Josh was actually staying with them until Pride- because he'd had to vacate the dorm after the semester ended and grandma and grandpa lived up in Philadelphia- and they spent most of those days together. They went to watch Paper Towns on the 24th after school was over, and spent the evening in Topanga's debating what they'd wear to the festival. He also woke her up at what felt like the crack of dawn (really, it was closer to 7 am) on the 25th, insisting that she go on a run with him.
It was a relatively new tradition, something they'd only started a couple of months after Josh moved to the city, and not something they did every weekend. It had helped to keep her fitness up for middle school cheerleading (she had gone to high school cheerleading tryouts, and the coach had let her- and then turned around and asked her politely not to return in her sophomore year) and it had been fun to spend more time with her youngest uncle.
She hadn't intended to wake up at the crack of dawn on the first day of summer vacation, though, and she'd moaned about it until she'd had a cup of coffee shoved into her hands.
But by the time Josh managed to force her out the door, she was looking forward to the brisk air and burning muscles that came with running with Josh. They never went far- neither of them was training for anything. Normally, they ran for only a couple of blocks, and they did it in comfortable silence. It was just a good way to relax and spend time together.
This time was different. They'd just turned onto Bank Street when a car pulled up next to them. There were two guys inside, both somewhere around to Josh's age. One was sitting on the window of the passenger side.
"Come on baby, how 'bout you pull those shorts a little higher."
She tried to ignore them and speed up, and Josh kept pace with her, his face pulling into a frown.
"Gorgeous legs, babe," the passenger yelled across the car. She clenched and unclenched her fists and gritted her teeth, but looked straight ahead. It wasn't like this was the first time that she'd been catcalled, and while she was living in New York, it wouldn't be the last.
"What? You can't say thank you?"
That was what set her uncle off. He whirled to face the men, hissing, "She's fifteen, assholes. Fuck off!" They just snickered in response, and sped up, leaving Riley and Josh behind.
"Gimme a call when you're legal, honey!" The passenger called back.
Once they were well out of sight, Riley let herself shudder and suck in a breath, trying to keep from bursting into tears. Josh pulled her slightly, signalling to stop, and she let herself slow down. He wrapped his arms around her tightly, letting his hug say everything he didn't know how to- I'm sorry, I wish there weren't people like that, You don't deserve this (they were practically the same height, but she felt small again, like when she was ten and he was thirteen and hitting his growth spurt). And Riley tried to follow the steps she'd learned, breathing in through her nose and out through her mouth, focusing on what was really around her, what she could touch (she'd learned them with Farkle, sitting on his bed, google open and eyes closed). But she could feel the panic crawling up on her, the same way she could feel the catcaller's words on her skin.
It felt like her feet had stuck to the pavement, and as her breathing started to come faster, she looked at her uncle with wide eyes before trying to pull away. She stumbled before she could take two steps, but Josh caught her and all but carried her over to the stairs in front of the nearest brownstone.
He let her cry, and bring her breathing back to normal on her own time. He just stroked her back softly and said nothing. Eventually, she picked her head up from where it was resting on her knees.
"I hate them." Her voice was thick and raspy from crying, and she hugged her knees closer together.
"You'll never see them again-"
"Not those two, specifically. Although, yeah, them too. I hate everyone that does this, that makes people feel this way," she whispered, letting her head fall again.
"Riley, does this happen often?"
She sighed deeply and locked her eyes on the pavement. "Not enough to call it often, but yeah. It happens."
She could feel Josh's eyes on her, soft and kind, but she kept looking down. "It's just. The way of the world, you know? It happens to all the girls I know."
"Then I guess it's lucky that you're planning on doing something about it."
"I'm not planning anything," she denied, even as the beginnings of a smile caught at the edge of her lips.
"Then why do you sound like you're planning something?" He asked. She laughed, throaty and tear-soaked, and let herself really smile.
"Well, I might be planning something."
They walked the rest of the way to her house in silence. Not companionable silence like before, but tense angry silence that split the air around them. They walked in solidarity. holding hands to protect each other from the world.
She called Maya when they got home, asked her to bring all the paint she had. And then she headed up to her closet and dug out one of the dresses she'd bought in her thrift session last year. It was simple, white, and had cost five dollars.
She laid it out across the floor and smiled at Josh. His hand was rubbing the back of his neck, and he was trying not to meet her eyes.
"Uncle Josh?"
It had the intended effect, a glowing smile cracking across his face.
"You don't really call me that anymore." He said, still not meeting her eyes.
"It was kind of weird," she told him, sitting down at his side on the Bay Window seat. He shifted next to her, leaning against the window. In response, she lay her legs across his lap. They just existed, like that, for several minutes, before Josh spoke again.
"I liked it anyway." He shrugged lightly, and his voice faded out for a couple of seconds before he rushed out- "Riley, this thing with me and Maya-" he stopped again and seemed to be choosing each word when he started back up.
"I really, really like Maya. I think she's vibrant and interesting and kind and passionate and she's important to me-" It felt like there was a but coming, and Riley didn't know whether to hope that it was or that it wasn't.
"Did I do the right thing when I said long game? Because she's happy now, and going on dates now, and it feels a bit like a jail bait wait, even though I'm not planning on dating her the moment she turns seventeen. Maya deserves the world, Riley, and I don't know how to give it to her."
This was an area that Riley had experience with. She'd also stayed up late, worrying about Maya, about whether she was a good enough friend for Maya {about whether she was good enough for Maya}. She'd woken up in the middle of the night to bake cookies to give to her best friend as a surprise in the morning, just to prove her worth.
"Josh- Uncle Josh. It's difficult for me to know what to say. Maya's my best friend. I love her, and I love you. And I'd never want either of you to get hurt- or to hurt each other." She watched her uncle carefully, waiting for something to give away how he felt about what she was saying. But his eyes stayed closed, and his face stayed neutral.
"Having said that-you both like each other- so much. You both shine when you're in the same room, never mind actually spending time together."
She pulled in a deep breath. For Maya. You want Maya to be happy.
"People get hurt in relationships. Mom and dad hurt each other when they were teenagers. Lucas and I fight. It happens. But don't give up on somebody, just because you're not ready now."
"You understand why I'm not ready now, though?" he asked, and there was something in his voice. She thought he wanted to be told he'd made the right choice. She thought he wanted to be told he'd made the wrong one.
She also thought about the last couple of years. When Maya was desperate when she started acting like Riley. Her confusion over her possible feelings for Lucas, her hope that she'd pinned on Josh. It was high school drama- drama Josh wanted to be done with, the drama he'd already gone through once.
"Yes."
She loved Maya, loved her wild impulsivity and her style and her passion for art. But she also knew Maya, who was confused about her feelings and felt alone and abandoned and angry at her dad and her step-mom and her half-siblings that she'd never met. Riley knew Maya, who was a mess and didn't love her any less for it, didn't think that her past meant that she was incapable of being in a relationship. She also knew that Maya was fifteen, and not looking for the long-term kind of relationship that Josh wanted. That neither she nor any other fifteen-year-old was planning for their first high school relationship to be their only relationship.
She didn't say any of that though. Some of it was implied, and some of it was between just her and Maya. Instead, she lay down across the Bay Window seat and closed her eyes.
They lay like that, her and her uncle, not acknowledging anything outside of themselves and letting time fade away until the tell-tale knocking of Maya at the window came through.
She had a leather messenger bag slung across her chest (it had once belonged to her dad's dad. Another thing her dad had left behind when he left).
"You ready to smash the patriarchy?"
Riley beamed and took the paints from Maya, spreading them out across the floor. Behind he, she could hear Maya and Josh hugging, and the quiet whisper from her uncle- "Long game?"
"Long game," Maya confirmed he voice soft and warm.
She woke up early the next morning. The nerves had set upon her at some time during the night, and she was awake at four, far too early and far too wired. She'd made coffee and sat in the bay window, breathing in through her nose and out through her mouth, trying to slow her heart rate.
That was where Josh found her at 6 a.m. when their alarms went off, staring out the bay window as the sun rose.
"You ready for this, neech?"
They weren't in the parade (Uncle Eric was, as the openly-gay mayor of New York, and had offered for them to join him- they'd declined) (thank god- she didn't think she could have handled that) but she was making a statement, and she was scared. She was putting her money where her mouth was, and she wanted it to go perfectly. She didn't think it would. She didn't say any of that, though. Instead, she drained her coffee and stood up, getting ready to get ready.
It was a long process, half because of the extra care she wanted to put into the outfit, half because of the nerves and excitement boiling in her stomach. She was wearing sneakers (the amount of walking she was going to be doing could not be done in heels) and had roped Josh into doing her makeup when they'd first made plans. He painted her eyelids with rainbows and glitter, and she offered up the brightest pink lipstick she had.
They made it out the door by eight- three hours before the PrideFest and the march began, but to Riley, it already felt as if they were running late. She fixed her dress again as if that would somehow change what she was wearing. It didn't.
They were going to meet Uncle Shawn and Maya at Abingdon Square and walk the rest of the way together. That was probably what she was most nervous about. If Uncle Shawn- who'd dressed up as a woman to prove a point about misogyny- thought that she was too much, she'd turn right back around and put on the shorts and t-shirt she'd been planning to wear.
She was more than prepared for that to happen, but when he saw her, he smiled. The widest smile she could imagine, and then wider still. Splashed across her chest was the phrase he'd taught her- ABUSE OF POWER COMES AS NO SURPRISE. She'd tied a thick belt around her waist, and below that, she and Maya had painted on the catcalls she'd had thrown at her in speech bubbles. YOU CAN'T SAY THANK YOU? And GIMME A CALL WHEN YOU'RE LEGAL and YOU LOOK LIKE A GOOD GIRL {last fall when she'd been wearing knee-high socks and a plaid skirt. She hadn't worn that outfit for a month afterwards}.
It was the pride in his eyes that had kept her afloat. That had promised her that she could do this when she walked down the street.
And after that, it was everyone else. At PrideFest, women and men alike had told her that they loved her dress, that they understood. That they had stories of their own. And they told her those stories too. Being yelled at to smile. Told that they'd be raped. Called a dyke by some guy in a red cap. It was surreal, and it was comforting. She wasn't the only one. Other people felt her pain, were just as angry as her {for the first time, it felt like}.
After that, Pride felt like something of a magical blur. Every second she was there, she felt like she'd found her place and her people. She danced with her family and laughed louder than she had the right to.
Farkle, Lucas, Zay and Smackle arrived a little after one. And she felt herself melt, because her boyfriend and her best friend had painted the bi flag on their left cheeks, and glitter splashed in the corners of their eyes. They were wearing matching pins, black and white ones that said 'Your Ally'.
She pecked Farkle on the cheek, and flung herself into Lucas's arms. He spun her around and she laughed, bright and happy. She'd been so scared because she'd known that her sexuality would be a make-or-break thing between them. But if Lucas supported her, there was nothing she couldn't do. She pressed a hard kiss to his mouth, and he softened around her. Uncle Shawn and Josh wolf-whistled somewhere behind them, and when they pulled back, she could see Maya and Zay exchanging a soft greeting kiss. Her eyes flickered over to Josh, worried for how this newest development would make him feel (he hadn't been around Maya-and-Zay yet, and their conversation from the day before was still heavy in Riley's mind) but her youngest uncle was hugging Farkle in greeting and complementing the flag on his cheek.
"I love you," she whispered against Lucas's lips before she pulled back. He smiled and kissed her again, "I love you too." They rejoined their friends, their family, vibrating with excitement and love and only good things.
When she thought about that Pride, even a decade later, Riley always held true to the belief that they were the happiest people in the world, right then. Happy and whole and accepted and loved, by each other and the world and life, and whatever came next.
The rest of the summer passed in warm temperatures and Maya. Summer was Riley and Maya time- it always had been, but since the beginning of high school, and the time that it took away from Riley & Maya time. And Riley refused to let summer do the same. She ensured that there was a time for everything- weekend-long sleepovers, watching movies until the credits, double dates, and wild exploits that always fell through.
It was during one such sleepover/wild exploit that Farkle crawled through her window. He didn't say anything, and neither did she. This happened far too often, and she knew the routine. She sat upright, to give him free access to her hair, and let him braid (normally, she'd put a movie on, but Sweeny Todd was already playing) (Maya's idea). When Farkle's parents weren't home, and he didn't know where else to go, he came to the Matthews residence, and make a nest at the Bay Window {for all her dad's fussing over Lucas being in her room, even before they were dating, he'd never once tried to kick Farkle Minkus out. She wondered how much he knew, and how much he'd guessed. After all, he'd gone to school with Stewart Minkus and Jennifer Bassett-Minkus}.
"Wait, what the fuck?"
But their routine didn't account for Maya.
Farkle remained steadfastly braiding her hair, not saying anything. A fight, then, and a bad one at that. Farkle tended to shut down while he was processing, and it had taken Riley years to get him to the point where he'd come to her instead of just being alone.
It was up to her to explain then. Farkle's silence was almost deafening, and Maya stared at them like she'd never seen them before.
"Maya-"
"Did you think I'd just be okay with you cheating on Lucas?"
Riley could have sworn her eyes were about to fall out of her face.
"I- we're not- that's not what this is-" she stammered.
"So Farkle just crawls through your window and neither of you says anything and this is obviously like a regular thing and it's not cheating?" Riley hadn't seen Maya so mad in ages, and certainly not at her.
"No, we're not, Maya-"
"Riley we all know how close you two are and I really always thought in middle school it was only a matter of time-"
"You thought what?" She really hadn't seen that coming. She shook herself a little, careful not to let her hair fall out of Farkle's grasp, "That's not the point. Maya. I wouldn't cheat on Lucas. You know that." She holds Maya's eyes as she says it as if it's the only way to convince her, blue and brown locked together {she very firmly doesn't think about New Years or London}.
Maya eventually relents. Her posture softens, and shame clouds her eyes, "You're right, honey, I do know that." She lies on her stomach, chin perched in her hand.
"So what's up?"
"None of your business." His voice is dark and angry, and he doesn't sound like the Farkle she knows at all. The last time he'd sounded like this, she'd been receiving anonymous texts.
"What the hell, Farkle?"
"It isn't." He shrugs casually, but it's practised. His shoulders are still tense. He pulls the first braid into a hair tie. "The only reason you're interested is because you still think that Riley's cheating on Lucas. You wouldn't have been so up-in-arms about it if you weren't seriously worried about it. It's fine, Maya. Riley's not cheating on Lucas. Everyone's too blinded by everyone else to figure out that you're still in love with him too."
"Why on Earth would I be quiet about it if I was still in love with Lucas? Why would I still be in love with Lucas? My feelings for him were-"
"Made up to see if he was good enough for Riley, yeah, I know the story Maya. But that's not how it works. You don't just unlove someone. It takes time. So good for you, distracting yourself with Zay until you're actually not in love with him anymore, or whatever you've been doing. But Riley's not cheating on Lucas, and so it's really none of your business what I do when I come over here."
Maya's eyes went steely, and Riley watched her nails dig their way into her palms as her hands curled into fists. She was close to actually throwing a punch, Riley thought, helpless to stop the trainwreck happening in front of her. Maya stands up and grabs her duffel bag, flouncing towards the door.
"I'm gonna call Shawn to pick me up. I get that you're mad, so I'll let it slide, but I expect an apology. I'll be downstairs if anyone needs me." She slammed the door behind her. Riley stared after it, wondering if she should go after her. But her eyes flickered back to Farkle, who was shaking with unshed tears and fury.
"You didn't mean that," she told him, putting her hand on his knee. Letting him rest against her.
"Yeah. No, I didn't. Fuck. I'll have to apologize to Maya. It's- I'm- I don't- shit. Shit, what am I gonna do?" He let go of the second braid, still unfinished, and it fell against her back. He pulled his knees up against his chest and put his head between them.
"Do? Farkle, what can you do?"
"It's my fault she left." It broke Riley's heart, to hear another of her friends go through this. Hell, at this rate she was going to adopt all of them.
"No, Farkle, it's not. You know that. Your parents have problems, and you fight with them, but she made this decision, not you-"
"I told her to go."
She blinked a couple of times, speechless, "She still had a choice."
"No, I told her she needed to leave my dad. For her own good, I mean. They have the same four fights over and over- money, me, she's a drunk, they don't have sex. I had no idea people with more money than they could spend in a lifetime could fight over money." She watched him through a layer of tears, as he stood up and started pacing around her room, "She's never going to get sober while she's with my dad. She goes to rehab, and then they make up, and then they fight, and then she starts drinking again. I've seen it, I've done the calculations and run the simulations. We're what's holding her back, me and my dad. So I finally convinced her to leave him."
"I still don't understand what you can do." She tries to stay calm, but she can feel the sorrow and pity creeping up in her voice, and Farkle doesn't need that right now.
"I have to tell my dad she's gone."
"He doesn't know?"
"He's in Beijing for another week," he informed her.
"You didn't tell me."
"Riley, if I told you every time one of my parents left, you'd be hearing from me every day." And she knew she'd been thinking the same thing earlier, but to hear it said aloud so casually made her heart sink.
"Tell me next time," she insisted anyway, and he nodded, still not looking at her.
"And I know what you're going to do." He finally met her eyes, one hand rubbing a shoulder blade.
"You're going to stay here until he gets back. No-" she spoke louder when he tried to interrupt her- "there's no chance I'm letting you stay in that place alone for a week, especially after this. You know me better than that." He nodded silently while she padded around the room, fetching his usual blankets and pillows to build a bed in the bay window, "And when he gets back, my dad's going to go talk to him. It's not your job," she asserted, "to fix your parents problems. Even if you told your mom she should leave."
"You're right," he said when she offered him the pair of Josh's old sweats and an old T-shirt that he slept in when he'd forgotten to bring something.
"I'm always right," she reminded him with a smile on her face.
She expected him to go to the bathroom to change, then, but he stayed a second longer, blue eyes piercing hers.
"Riley, you can't tell anyone about this."
"They should know. They could help, especially Maya." She tried to convince him.
"I don't want them to know."
"Farkle-"
"Riley, I keep your secrets. I don't tell people about the panic attacks or about New Years or London. Because I love you. If you love me-" He stopped, but Riley knew how the rest of the sentence went. You won't tell. She'd never expected it to feel so much like a knife to the heart when it was directed at her, had always figured it was worse to be the one wielding it.
But she nodded and went down to bid Maya goodnight. Shawn was talking with her mom and dad, and Maya was sitting on the couch, staring into nothing. Riley sat down next to her, as physically close as possible.
"He didn't mean it."
"He send you to tell me that?"
"No. But it's true." Maya nodded once at that and turned to look at Riley.
"I'm not in love with Lucas."
"I know, peaches."
"And I know you're not cheating on him." Riley took Maya's hands in her own, smiling warmly.
"You're a good friend, Maya. I love that you were immediately ready to defend him. He deserves friends like you."
"Tell Farkle I love him? And that I forgive him?"
"You can tell him yourself when he apologizes to you. He's staying here for the week."
"It's that bad?" Maya asked, eyes wide. Riley shrugged. "Sorry our sleepover was ruined."
"I'll just be back tomorrow anyway," Maya reminded her.
After giving her parents the most barebones retelling of the story, she went up to her room. Farkle was curled up in the Bay Window seat. He would be too tall for it if he weren't sleeping with his knees pulled up close to his body. Protection against the world.
She watched him for a few moments longer, as if that would somehow change the reality of the situation.
When it didn't, she softly kissed his cheek (such a different situation than when she'd done it at Pride, hardly two weeks ago) and climbed into her own bed.
She woke up around three in the morning to heart-wrenching sobs, but there was nothing to say. Nothing to do but listen, so she lay with her back facing him and tried her best to share his pain.
