Entry 9: Family Pride

Summary: Tony and Mona each provide Angela with yet another reminder of the pride and good fortune they bring to her life.

It's not everyday you're reminded of how lucky you are, but it seems I've had more than my fair share of reminders in recent months. Jonathan and Sam have both given me plenty of reasons to be proud and thankful. They are such amazing kids who are growing up far faster than I like, which is every parent's lament. But to see them develop into their own person, to watch and guide them as they discover who they are is a constant source of pride, intrigue, and occasionally, entertainment.

Christmas was also a reminder of my good fortune. The holiday was almost surreal this year as we all seemed to draw closer together. It was a time of gratitude and reflection as we all offered some token of our love for one another.

And I can hardly bring Tony to mind without smiling gleefully at all the ways I am lucky he is in my life. Almost as much as the kids, Tony is discovering facets of himself he never knew existed, and it's become almost an honor for me to be a part of that unveiling.

In one month, he decided to go to college and then helped organize a labor movement. While I have no doubt every other housekeeper in the state deserves to get paid as much as Tony, I also believe no other housekeeper is worth as much as he is. How do you put a monetary value on friendship, on family, on love? Sure, I pay him for the work he does, but neither one of us pays attention to how much gas he uses when he takes the Jag or whether the movie he rented on Saturday night was paid for with his money or house money. I've paid for Sam's lunch when she's come into the city with me, and Tony bought wood for Jonathan's Scout project. He paid for pizza one week, and I got Chinese food the next. Which one of us bought the new pepper grind? And was that chocolate pecan ice cream he bought on the list of groceries I left money for?

Yes, I know Tony has his financial pride, which is why I don't pay for Sam's clothes and school trips or his repairs on the van. But even he can't help but fall into the easy rhythm we have, giving and taking in ways that are nothing less than family.

And I know our situation is fairly unique. While our family has raised a number of eyebrows over the years, people have eventually come to accept the way things in our home. I don't like that the details of our financial situation got out, but if it helped bring better wages for others, then it was worth it. However, Tony does a lot more than a housekeeper. Tony is more than a housekeeper, and so Tony will get paid more than a housekeeper. I hope that one day, money will become a non-issue between us, along with that persistent professional division that continually fades but never quite disappears, and hopefully Tony's decision to go to school is the first step down that path.

So yes, once again, I was reminded of how luck I am, but it wasn't only the kids and Tony who prompted that reminder, it was also Mother who has brought me such joy and pride in recent weeks. We are such different creatures, Mother and I, who so rarely see eye-to-eye on anything. She is bold and brassy, and I am reserved and polite. She barges in as though she belongs; I knock politely upon repeated invitation. But then I have my moments when I feel her courage inside me, most often within the confines of The Bower Agency, where I know I'm on my turf, and where I'm confidant in my abilities. But still, it's Mother I credit with giving me even that limited assuredness.

But rarely, so rarely I can't call an example to mind, have I watched as Mother's courage, her self-esteem and confidence erode away. I don't like watching her display so many of the characteristics I am still trying to exorcise from myself. And I especially don't like that it was another woman who made her feel this way. It far too closely mirrors my own insecurities every time I see Tony respond to the flirtations of another woman, and that type of behavior is as foreign to Mother as knitting.

When Max proposed, I was overjoyed and couldn't fathom why she didn't immediately say yes. Then I remembered my own feelings about independence and how much I value my sense of identity. While I hardly think marriage – at least in its ideal form – requires the sacrifice of one's identity, I also had to recognize that she has been on her own for more than twenty years. While she may not have been completely self-sufficient thanks to Dad's wise investments, she was responsible for a teen-age daughter and rediscovering her identity as a single mother and widow. Eventually, she got a job, then went back to college and earned her degree. She made something of and for herself, and now has her own space near her family, a career, ample money, and a well-defined sense of self. While marrying Max wouldn't exactly "ruin" all of that, it would change it. Max is a powerful and influential man, and being his wife would require certain adjustments and compromises that Mother obviously doesn't believe are worth making. And she's not necessarily wrong.

But when she saw Ex-Mrs. Muldoon, she let insecurities I didn't even know she had creep in. For the first time, Mother was intimidated by another woman and was afraid of losing her man. I know how that feels. Was it only six months ago I agonized over Tony's budding relationship with Frankie Candino? I felt inadequate next to the stunning Italian brunette who could talk baseball and politics with equal ease. I wondered, and still wonder, why Tony would ever look twice at me when he could have someone so sure of herself, so like him. And worse of all, I nearly resigned myself to striking out before I even got up to bat, to use the one sports analogy I understand.

But there are also very important differences between our situations, namely that Mother and Max are a couple who have acknowledged the status of their relationship and feelings. While I have reached some satisfaction with having Tony as my best friend, it doesn't always make it easy being so close to him then hitting the perpetual brick wall that separates us.

Mother and I are also at two different stages in life. While I value my independence every bit as much as she does, I can't say that in a similar situation I would have made the same decision. But honestly, I can't say I wouldn't have either. Deciding to get married is a monumental decision, made even bigger by the presence of a previous marriage. While Mother may fear the grief of losing another husband, I fear misjudging the strength of my marriage. Yes, a part of me would love to be married again, to have someone to hold at night and share my life with, a partner in every sense of the word. I miss telling someone I love them, as well as showing them. I want to know that person will be there no matter what, I want that security with the person I love. I know I'm a hopeless romantic in many ways, and that what I want and dream of is usually only found in movies. But I also know that I'm happy enough with who I am to not settle for anything less, which is part of why I won't take the chance with Tony. We share so much and are partners in so many ways that I'm afraid of being greedy. While I've long accepted that there is little chance of another man entering my life while Tony is in it, I still can't risk wanting too much from him. Likewise, Mother can't risk giving up what she has for something she isn't one hundred percent sure will be better. We're both choosing to accept that what we have is enough.

And in true Mona fashion, she found her courage, and her voice, and made her decision on her own terms. While I hate the fear and angst it caused, to say nothing of the tension between us, I'm glad that the end result was that Mother stayed true to herself. It's a trait I hope I'm able to emulate in my own life.