Sorry I Couldn't be Better 27- Confrontation
Sorry this took so long but…my life got…shit. My depression hit me big time. I spent most my nights crying, I ran away from my friends because I thought they didn't need me, all I wanted to do was kill myself. It was my every thought. I climbed onto my indoor balcony (it's so fucking hard to explain) one night and just stood there, wanting to jump. I had dreams of drying. And then I couldn't keep in inside anymore. It got to the point in class where I would hide under the table and cry all lesson. I just didn't care. And the teachers didn't care. My parents were jerks, I was so fucking miserable that I couldn't do anything but mope around and cry and wish I was dead so fucking badly.
But…I have an amazing best friend who I love so much who helped me every time it got really bad. She's always there for me in every way possible which means I can be here for you guys. She is wise in her every way. So I guess, I dedicate this chapter and even this whole story to her. I wouldn't be here without her.
Also a certain reviewer who believed in me, this is for you too Maggie Hitsugaya. This probably wouldn't be up without you.
Replies to guest reviews
Ellis- Thank you so much. Your kind words mean everything to me, seriously. I'm nearly in tears, your review is so kind and really helps me want to write more. Thank you!
Kim- Aha it was an odd dream. I'm glad it got out in time for your birthday. Maybe I subconsciously realised it. Sorry for the wait for this chapter, hope you enjoy it.
Guest September 12- Twas a funny dream. I'm glad you're noticing Maka's development, it's one of my favourite things to write. And yeah, I can see how Aquariums can be cruel. Glad you liked the chapter!
Dragonfox- Oh my gosh thank you so much! That means a lot.
Sabrinabina- Smoothly? *sweats nervously* Aha maybe not.
BasFul- I looked but I couldn't. Sorry.
definenormal248- (I couldn't PM you so I'm doing it here. Thank you for your kind words and amazing review. I'm glad you are enjoying this story!
And to the lovely, lovely people who follow, favourite, do both, just read, do anything, you are all so incredible and even if I can't personally thank you without taking at least five days, you mean so much to me and this story.
Disclaimer: I don't own Soul Eater. Simple
ALSO! There may be some grammatical errors, I really wanted to get this up.
Group therapy was a tense affair. Soul was shifty, moving his chair away from the circle as far as he could without actually breaking it. Maka was jittery as well. She couldn't stop thinking about her parents. Azusa really thought it was for the best. But Maka just wasn't sure. They were the main contributors of her depression. The fact that they'd sucked away any happiness her life should have had, well it hurt. She didn't want to face them.
"I think we'll just chat about what we want to do after the hospital." Marie suggested. Everyone seemed tired. The aquarium had cheered them up but now they were in the slump that came after a big event.
Even if Marie was tired, her suggestion on what to talk about was not the best. Weren't half of the people here doomed? According to Kid of course. But still, Maka didn't think he had any reason to lie.
"I-I want to be a singer." Tsubaki said brightly as she was directly on the left of Marie. "I never stutter when I d-do and if I learn to not be n-nervous, I'll hopefully be able to."
"That's great Tsubaki. You have a lovely voice." Marie said warmly, encouraged by Tsubaki's eagerness to participate. It probably wasn't going to last though. Liz was up next and the paranoid teen often put a downer on situations without meaning to.
"I just wanna get a job that'll support Patty and me." She shrugged. "That's it really." It was surprisingly mature for her. Maka had been expecting something about there being no point, that life outside was too scary. Maybe Liz did have a chance.
"I wanna be a zookeeper!" Patty squawked when they moved on from Liz. So maybe Maka was wrong. Maybe this exercise would work out. So far, everyone had been eager or mature about the topic.
"I'm never getting out." Well Kid knew how to stop Maka's thoughts right away. He was hunched over slightly, wringing his scarred hands. "It doesn't matter what I want to do, it'll never happen."
To Maka's shock, no one seemed surprised or angry over the teen's comment. Even Marie was just smiling sadly.
"What would you have liked to do Kid?" The therapist pressed.
"I…nothing really but I did always want to ride a skateboard." Kid gave a wry smile. "It always seemed like fun."
Soul was next up and when Maka glanced over, she noticed with alarm his rapidly blinking eyes, like he couldn't focus on anything and the way his entire body seemed to jerk like he was having some sort of mini seizure.
"Marie may I please be excused." Soul muttered and even the determined woman didn't have the heart to say no. Soul left the room and later, when dinner came, showed up to grab an apple and his medication before leaving again.
"Urgh," BlackStar poked his food. "This sucks." His eyes had dark bags under them like he hadn't been sleeping well. The atmosphere seemed to be catching and everyone was slumped over, barely eating their food or making conversation.
Maka shifted in her chair, focusing on her pale wrists. One by one, the group left the table until only Maka sat there, eyes dim. She couldn't move. It was like the time she couldn't get out of bed and had stayed there until Marie had led Crona in.
She didn't know how much time was passing as she sat there, mulling over Azusa's suggestion. She wanted to see her parents, to confront them but at the same time, she dreaded even thinking of them. She'd wanted to believe that she was doing okay, that the hospital was tearing down her walls and helping her build a home instead. But this…this would be like smashing the windows of her house and bricking them up.
It hit Maka like a ton of rocks. She had so many emotions swirling in her body that concerned her parents but there was one that stood out the most.
Fear.
Maka was scared of her parents.
The stern gazes, the tremors that overtook her body when they scrutinized her, the thudding heart as she heard their footsteps draw closer to her room. It all made sense. They were strangers to her. It was almost as if she'd lost her real parents and was living with cold replicas. Replicas who scared her.
I thought you loved them Maka
She froze. Not the voice. Not here, not now. It hadn't bothered her in a while and she'd allowed herself to hope that it was gone.
Are you a liar Maka?
The best thing to do was ignore it. Just focus on something else. The table, the wall, the broken clock. Anything.
You wanted their love Maka. And you mean to tell me they scare you? Pathetic
She could get up and go to her room. She could read the books Azusa had given her. She could doodle, she could go for a walk. She could do anything but sit here, frozen in shock as harsh words taunted her.
She remained motionless.
Little Miss Maka thought she knew what was best. In the end, you're just as lost as everyone
Maybe she should go to bed. It was getting late right? And sleep would be a relief.
You mean sleep would be freedom, freedom from me
Her entire body tensed, ready to move from her seat and yet she sat there. Maka could not move.
Weak
She didn't want this. Maka didn't want this. Her breathing began to speed up as he failure to move sent fear racing through her. Move. Move. Move!
Foolish girl
And in her frenzied mind, Maka saw only one solution to her problem. She needed to come to a decision, she needed to make up her mind. To the scared teen, this was the only way out of her predicament. She needed to face it head on.
"I will meet with my parents." Maka said aloud. "I will face them."
No
"I won't hold back. I'll tell them everything."
No
"I won't let them control me anymore."
No…
"I won't let them keep on ignoring me."
No
"I won't be scared of them anymore."
No!
Maka stood up and walked to Azusa's office, her body light. She had something to tell the bespectacled therapist. They had a meeting to arrange.
With Azusa's guidance, Maka worked out the best day to see her parents was the day after tomorrow. She would have the rest of today and all of tomorrow to work out what she wanted to say but it wasn't putting it off for so long that the nerves ate away at her.
"Can I tell my friends?" Maka asked as she stood up to go, Azusa ready to call her parents and arrange the meeting.
"I don't see why not." Azusa said after a pause. "Though keep in mind that this isn't some big thrown down. It's part of your treatment Maka. Don't make it out to be a big spectacle."
"I won't," Maka promised and she dashed off to find her friends.
She found Liz and Patty in the rec room building a house of cards. Patty seemed frustrated and the tower was falling down quicker than it could properly go up.
"Hey Maka, do we have to go to bed early?" Liz asked, letting the tower fall for a final time.
"What, no." Maka was taken aback. "I just wanted to tell you something." She paused. "Why did you jump to that assumption?"
"Well everyone's so gloomy, I figured the only reason people would seek each other out was to pass on messages from the staff." Liz shrugged. Due to her paranoia, Liz was very good at overthinking situations but Maka hadn't seen it as extreme as this. She almost wanted to laugh.
"What do you wanna tell us Maka?" Patty spoke up, swishing the cards around.
"Well I don't remember if I've mentioned this but my parents neglected me as a child." Maka began, suddenly feeling awkward. Liz and Patty didn't have parents they remembered. What if they got angry at Maka or upset?
"I don't think so but go on." Liz didn't seem too hostile though so Maka continued.
"They're uh…kind of one of the reasons I tried to kill myself."
"Jerks," Patty spat and flicked a card across the room.
"Azusa suggested we have a meeting." Maka said after a pause. "As part of my…healing process?" She laughed a little, mostly due to nerves. "I gave it a lot of thought and decided to do it. I'm seeing them the day after tomorrow."
"Wow Maka that's pretty big." Liz seemed shocked. "And very soon. What are you going to say to them?"
"I'm not entirely sure yet." Maka twisted her hands together. "That's what tomorrow is for. Thinking about it."
"Are you going to tell the others?" Liz asked.
"Probably." Maka shrugged. "You guys are my friends, you deserve to know."
"Yay I'm Maka's friend!" Patty cheered. "Let's go find the others!"
"Slow down Patty, it's nearly bedtime. She'll have to tell them tomorrow." Liz yawned as if to emphasize her point. There'll be plenty of time to let everyone know."
"You're right." Maka agreed reluctantly. She'd been hoping to tell everyone tonight so she wouldn't have to worry about it. How would the others react? Now she was going to spend all night thinking about that and her parents. Maybe she could go grab a glass of warm milk quickly.
"Night Maka," Liz and Patty chorused and headed off in the direction of the dorms. Maka began to make her way to the kitchen, trying to remember the way. She ran into a sleepy Luke who pointed her in the right way and then, into Azusa.
"Maka, just the person I was looking for." The woman seemed flustered which was unusual for her.
"I was just going to get a glass of warm milk to help me sleep." Maka explained.
"Of course, of course." Azusa adjusted her glasses. "Listen Maka, it's about your parents coming in."
"They refused?" Maka scowled. "That is so typical of them. I can't believe it." The depressed teen didn't know whether to be angry or relieved though.
"Oh no, I insisted." Azusa laughed nervously. "They're coming in but…they're coming a day early. You'll be seeing them tomorrow."
What?
WHAT?
Tomorrow! She wasn't ready, there was no way Maka was ready for this.
"Tomorrow? Tomorrow? No, no I'm not ready for this. I can't do this. I can't do this Azusa! What do I do? Just cancel it, I'm not ready." Maka's mind was moving too fast for her mouth. Her words were quick and choppy. She couldn't do this!
"Maka calm down, calm down. You'll be fine." Azusa was quick to reassure her. "We can talk about it now if you like. Or we can give you something to help you sleep and you can approach this with a fresh mind tomorrow. You have to see them, you know that. Don't let this time schedule get to you."
"How?" Maka burst out. "I can't do this, not now."
"Maka you can. You're an incredible girl. I've seen you grow so much since you came here. I wouldn't have brought this up if I didn't think…no, not think. If I didn't know you were ready for this."
Maka froze. Azusa…believed in her? Azusa knew she was ready for this. She had faith in Maka.
"I can do this." Maka whispered. "You're right. I can do this. I think deep down I've always wanted to do this."
"That's right Maka. Come tomorrow, I know you'll be ready to take the next step." Azusa smiled. "Now go get your milk and then off to bed."
Maka complied, getting help from a kitchen staff working overtime before heading off to her room. She passed Soul on the way and opened her mouth to say hello but the boy stared right through her. The bags under his eyes were huge and he was still twitching.
"Soul?" She said uncertainly.
"Shut up," he whispered, still staring right through her. It was almost as if he wasn't talking to her. And then he moved on. Maka shuddered. Even with the whole two months thing looming above him, Soul was acting really weird.
Still, with her parents coming tomorrow, she didn't have time to think of Soul. It was cruel but she remembered a girl at her school once saying to someone else 'don't get involved in other people's problems when you can't even handle your own.' Maka cared about Soul and she wanted to help him badly. But first, she had to get the meeting out of the way.
Maka had been planning to spend the night working out what she wanted to say but minutes after she lay down, her thoughts blurred together and she dropped off to sleep.
Her dreams were the typical weird kind. She was walking her dog and got kidnapped before escaping at a violin festival. She couldn't be separated from her cat or she would die and then big foot rocked up. A shark attack at a beach featuring two brothers who looked suspiciously like the Hardy Boys. She was living in a flat and it got flooded before a portal took her to some sort of shack.
Just your everyday (night?) dreams.
When Maka woke up though, everything came rushing back. She had to take a moment to breathe, resting her head between her legs and closing her eyes. Very soon she would be seeing her parents. Azusa said they were coming in at eleven and could talk for as long as Maka (or her parents) wanted to.
A glance at the clock told Maka that breakfast was very close to starting but she didn't care. She had to look her best for her parents. She had to meet their expectations.
She ended up going for a neat plaid skirt, a long sleeved white button up, a creamy vest and a green striped tie. She tied her hair up in neat pony tails and slipped on black laced shoes. She was every bit the perfect daughter.
Wait! No! This wasn't what she wanted. She didn't want to go out of her way to please them only for them to ignore her. She wanted to be herself and see that they still loved her.
But…these clothes…they were her. She'd been wearing them her whole life and her parents had hated her very existence. They didn't love who she was. They didn't love her at all. Maka had never known why. But today, that was all going to change. Maka was going to find out why they didn't love her.
After that, she wasn't sure what she would do. But it was a start. For now.
After a hasty breakfast where she told everyone the news and Kid broke a glass out of shock, she was now waiting in Azusa's office for her parents to arrive. It was a long time to wait but she was too nervous to take part in ordinary activities.
Azusa brought her tea and let her read her books while she waited. The therapist had left her there to organise some things, allowing her to read any of her books if Maka wanted to. She had decided to continue reading her Cat and Kid books, reluctant to delve into something that seemed so personal. But after Maka had read the same line nearly twelve times, she set it down. It was nearly eleven. Her parents would be here soon. And she had no idea what to say them. Not really. Yes, she was going to confront them, ask them why they didn't love her but how could she get to that point. It wouldn't be very polite to just scream 'why don't you love me' the moment they walked in.
"Be polite I guess," Maka whispered to herself, echoing part of the line she'd been constantly reading. "Be polite so that they trust you, be polite so that we can live."
She picked the book up again, determined to read more when the door opened.
"Maka, I'm going down to meet your parents." Azusa popped her head in.
"They're here?" The book slipped from her hands and hit the floor. Oh no. Oh no Azusa was wrong! She wasn't ready!
"Maka it'll be alright. Just take some nice slow breathes and wait for me. I won't be a moment." Azusa promised.
Maka would rather that Azusa did take a moment. Perhaps even six…years. She was not ready, not ready, not ready.
True to her word however, Azusa was back in no time and behind her were her parents.
Her father still looked the same, his dyed red hair in wavy locks and his suit rumpled. Her mother was every bit the stoic figure she'd always been. She was a solid woman who was yet graceful in her movements and sometimes came across as tranquil.
"Mr and Mrs Albarn, thank you for coming." Azusa formed a sort of circle with two more chairs, Maka next to the therapist with her mother and father facing her.
"Please, call me Spirit." Her father winked flirtatiously at Azusa. Her mother rolled her eyes and folded her arms.
"So what is this about?" She asked briskly. "I wasn't aware we were needed to cure Maka." The girl in question winced. Cure made it sound like some terrible contagious illness, like she was even further away from being their daughter until the depression was gone.
"Mrs Albarn,"
"Naomi,"
"Naomi then," Azusa carried on smoothly. "Maka has been making amazing progress here at the DWMA. She has made some amazing friend and has even helped many of our patients. She is kind and compassionate and has become determined to get a handle of her depression."
"Yes, yes, of course." Her mother waved a hand. "So she can come home then? The bills are rather costly."
"Naomi, your daughter's health is surely more important than money." Azusa seemed shocked. Maka sighed. Nothing had changed. Trying to kill herself had not opened her parent's eyes. Being gone had not made them miss her.
"Well…" Her father seemed awkward, shifting in his chair. "It's just, the money could be spent on more…beneficial things."
"So my health, my wellbeing, my life is not beneficial?!" Maka was on her feet before she knew it. Azusa had said not to make a big spectacle with her friends which probably carried on to the actual meeting but she couldn't help it. How could her parents be so stupid?
"We didn't say that Maka." Her mother scoffed.
"Really? Because it sure sounded like that to me." Maka hissed. "I wanted to die so badly. I nearly did. Why do you not care about me?"
"Of course we care about you Maka." Her father protested.
"You could have fooled me." She spat back. "It was like I barely existed. No pictures, no nothing. You didn't even come to my year seven graduation. I ate alone so often, it felt weird when you were there. It shouldn't be weird to see you!"
"God," Azusa whispered.
"Why did you even have me if this was how you were going to treat me?" Maka all but screamed. "Why? Tell me why!"
"For goodness sake Make, what do you want?" Naomi was taken aback.
"Maybe I wanted more! Maybe I wanted more from you! I'm your daughter. Does that mean anything? Anything to you. I wanted to be one of those happy kids. I wanted that so badly. But everywhere I looked was just paisley art and dusty shelves. Did I not even deserve one measly picture? Was I just one big mistake? If I was, then why have me? I have loved you so much and all I got back was cold words. Well I'm frozen now and I've been freezing for a long time. And somehow, this hospital has made me warm. And don't you think I don't know that your only here because Azusa demanded it. You don't care for me. Well…well…" her words were dying out, sputtering like a candle reaching the end of the wick. "Well FUCK YOU!"
"Maka!"
"No, I'm done. I am so done with you two pathetic human beings. You were blind to the fact that all I wanted was love. And when I couldn't have that, all I wanted was death." Maka spun and raced out the office. She was halfway down the corridor before she realised tears were streaming down her cheeks.
She was so stupid. She'd really thought they might have realised what they'd done wrong.
She suddenly smashed into someone and fell over. She looked up and saw Harvar there, looking shocked.
"Sorry," she whispered but then the tears kept coming and she was sobbing, howling even. Harvar spun around and fled. Maka found she didn't care. She couldn't think, couldn't move. All she could do was cry.
She was in an ocean, alone and drowning. She was waving for help, screaming. But the people just waved back. She wasn't waving, she was dying! Somebody help!
"Maka, Harvar led me to you. Come on get up, it'll be alright. The others are waiting for you in Liz's room." A soft voice brought her back. She looked up and through her tears saw Soul.
And then she was clinging to him and crying like someone whose heart was breaking.
So Maka's dreams were actually dreams I've had. There were a few more I wanted to include but they were kinda depressing and hard to write.
These include my friend Jordan being in hospital, fighting cartoon snakes in a jungle only for them to come back to life, getting turned into a vampire and falling down the stairs, my cat dying in a bush fire, getting shot but continuing on as if everything was fine (this dream was so strong I woke up and thought 'I can't go to school, I've been shot') and many more longer and much more confusing dreams.
Please drop a review if you feel like it! They mean so much to me
