Sorry I Couldn't be Better 28- Need

So back up the shack I went. Not as bad as other times but still bad. Had to deal with some shit I didn't like but couldn't say no to and my brother kinda outed me with a joke. It was pretty funny though. We were playing cricket out the front of the shack and someone was bowling some horrendous balls and my brother was like 'come on, your bowling is as straight as Toshi.' Though he used my real name. All evening I had to deal with a bunch of terrible jokes. I also had to deal with one of my least favourite people and she was in such a foul mood which was a nightmare. But on the Brightside I wrote most of this chapter up there.

Also this was meant to be up on New Year's Eve because I was home from the shack but then I got dragged back up there again! It was a nightmare, I swear.

Also, this was meant to be up last night but… So we went to catch up with some friends from our old playgroup group at this part with like, a giant hill which I decided we should roll down at the STEEPEST part. So naturally we all did which wasn't the best idea for me since I get really dizzy really easily. So I did it about ten times and then it was dinner time, we were having a BBQ. But I was so f*** sick, I thought I was gonna puke. And that's the story of how I slept an entire meetup away in a car dribbling on the seat with no food in my stomach whilst everyone else had a great f*** time all because I rolled down a steep hill ten times.

Finally, I can't thank any of you enough for amazing words of support and your understanding. You are the real reason this story keeps going, because you keep me going. I love you all so much and all your kind words have had such an impact on me. I don't think I would be here without all you amazing readers.

Response to Guest Reviews

FrostbiteInApril: Thank you so much for those words and thank you for caring.
Cats: Thank you for your amazing review. I'm glad you like the story so much. And you are important. I don't know you personally but everyone is important which includes you
Guest101: Thank you. It means a lot to know that I'm not alone, even though it is pretty sucky to feel that way. I'm glad you have a friend who helps you. I hope you enjoy this chapter!
Lalaith: I am doing slightly better, aha. And I'm so glad you like the story!
Miss Kittycat: Thank you for all your reviews. They were really sweet and cute and I loved reading them all. Here's the update!
Miss LittleWolf: Aw thank you. Hope you enjoy the update!
Lilac: Hey! I'm sorry you have to feel the same way as me since it's a pretty shit feeling as we both know but thank you for understanding and liking this story.
Guest 31st of December: Thank you so much for liking my story and my writing. I'm sorry that you had to experience depression but I'm glad that you got help.
Guest 1st of January: Aha of course. Here it is
Nobody Special: I am doing kind of okay. And happy new year!

And of course thank you to all you amazing people who read, favourite and follow, all three, two, one, you all mean so much to me!

Disclaimer: Soul Eater does not belong in my incredibly shaky hands.


Maka couldn't stop crying as Soul led her to Liz's room. It got to the point where she couldn't even see properly and had to blindly trust Soul to make sure she wouldn't trip or run into anything. The boy was silent as if sensing that words wouldn't help right now. What Maka needed right now was her friends. She needed people who truly cared for her. People who weren't her parents.

Soul grabbed her suddenly to stop her in her tracks and Maka dimly registered that they were outside Liz and Patty's room. The door opened and suddenly she had arms around her. Furiously blinking away her tears, Maka looked down and saw Patty attached to her waist and crying into her vest.

"Maka!" Kid cried from somewhere inside the room. "We were waiting for you and Harvar came in totally freaked out. He wouldn't leave until Soul went with him. What happened?"

Slowly, Maka entered the room, careful to not get caught up in Patty's trembling legs that surely matched hers. She saw four concerned faces staring at her, joined soon by Soul. They were all worried about her, had all purposely skipped sessions to wait for her.

And she started crying again.

"Come here Patty, let her sit down." Liz said softly and her younger sister obeyed, her sobs having died down by now.

Tsubaki and Kid moved to let Maka sit on Liz's neatly made bed. BlackStar, Patty and Liz crowded onto the messy heap of sheets and clothes on Patty's bed. Soul remained standing, leaning against a wall and absently scratching at his arm. The red marks there told Maka that he'd been doing it for a while.

She shook her head abruptly and turned to answer Kid, her tears still coming fast even though she wasn't really crying. More like leaking. Emotionally leaking.

"I y-yelled at my parents." She got out. "They were talking to me like…like I was this disgusting thing on the bottom of their shoes or something." She gave a weak laugh. "Complaining about the cost of keeping me here, not listening to what I was saying." Maka trailed off awkwardly, not sure what else to say. What was there to say?

"Fuck," Soul hissed. "Fucking hell." He was taking deep breaths, face pale and sickly looking. "I have to…have to go." He dashed out of the room before anyone could stop him.

Maka understood that Soul had to go, she really did. It was obvious he was struggling with the whole two months thing which was probably affecting whatever he'd been diagnosed with. But part of her wanted him to stay, needed him to stay.

She needed them all.

"Maka, it'll be a-alright." Tsubaki stuttered, leaning over to give Maka a half hug, one arm around her shoulders and the other still sitting neatly in Tsubaki's lap.

"Really?" Maka said bitterly. "My parents don't want me. And they don't want me to be here. They want things to go back to normal like before. Where they could pretend that nothing was wrong."

"I know what you mean." Kid said sadly.

"Oh Kid I'm sorry." Maka gasped. "I'm being insensitive. I have nothing to complain about. They weren't really that bad, my parents. I had a secure house, I wasn't homeless or abused. I shouldn't be crying. I probably brought this upon myself." She was babbling, hysterical and totally out of it.

"Don't ever say that Maka." BlackStar said strongly. "Please. No one asks for anything, no matter what you think. No one is asking to be killed, no one is asking to be neglected." He gave a crooked smile. "Trust me, I know."

And Maka did. She trusted all of them, needed all of them, loved all of them.

And then suddenly the tears came again. Because her parents wanted to take her from her friends. Because even if they didn't, one day she'd have to leave the hospital and these people behind.

Oh shit, she was too attached. This hospital wasn't some dumb place trying to help her. It had helped her. Too much.

"Maka, Maka, it's alright." Liz said soothingly. "You don't need to cry anymore. You don't need your dumb parents. You have us."

"It's not that." Maka croaked. "Well it is but…I just…realised something."

"What?" Patty asked.

"It's a long story." Maka rubbed her eyes. "And kinda confusing. And very opinionated."

"In a place like this, everything we realise is like that." Kid muttered. "We've had conversations like this before."

Of course they had.

"Um, it's very long so bear with me." Maka rubbed her leg. She wasn't sure if she was ready to share this with her friends. But she hadn't really been ready to face her parents. And yet she had. And this weight that had been dragging her down for her entire life felt lighter.

And so she prepared to do something she had never done out loud before. She wrote these kind of things in her notebooks and on her second hand laptop. But she'd never even spoken them before, let alone to people.

But here she was. About to rant.

"Do you ever think that we're just going in circles, never going anywhere? Like, we trip and fall, we cry and then we get back up and do it all over again. Over and over and over. Is there an end to this story? I don't know and I really wish I did. I want to be right for once, to think something or do something and doesn't cause disaster. Things never go my way, things are never right. But just this once, I want to be right. And I thought that I was right, when I decided that I wanted to get better, that it was the right thing. This hospital, it's helping me. But I think it's helping me too much. I don't want to go back outside. I don't want to leave you guys. I think…I want to stay with everyone. I don't want to go."

She was crying again by now, her nerves snapping like frayed string. She kept going though

"Oh god, I wish I had died, if only to stop all this pain from happening. It hurts to even think of leaving you all. It hurt when Kim left and now you Tsubaki, leaving us soon apparently. And that's good. That's so good. You deserve it. But I'm selfish and I don't want to let you go. You know, I read somewhere once that there are three kinds of people. Those who live, those who die and those who are stuck in between. I think we're all stuck in between, never going anywhere." Maka laughed. "I don't know where I'm going with this but…I need you all. And I don't want to let any of you go. This hospital…this hospital is more of a home than my house ever was. And somehow, that just isn't right. This is a transitional phase, the stopover for one stage of your life to the next. This isn't supposed to be a home. But it is for me."

She stopped for breath and to gauge the reactions of her friends. They were staring at her but they weren't shocked or angry or amused. It was understanding and compassion and love. She went on.

"I know that…that some of you can't leave. And it becomes your home. But for someone like me with just plain old depression, it isn't really meant to be. I know I shouldn't look down on myself but it's honestly not as bad as it could. I don't have nightmares that keep me from ever truly sleeping. I don't see things or refuse to be touched or breakdown over anything and everything. I'm meant to come here, learn how to deal with it and then move on. But I don't want to. I want to be with all of you guys. Because I need you."

That was it, that was all she had to say. Well, there was one last thing.

"I'm sorry,"

Maka moved to get up, to leave the room before she made things worse. She was too scared to look at her friends. Would they be offended over what she'd said? What if they pushed her away? She needed them. But did they need her?

"Maka wait!" Somebody called after her.

She kept on running, turning corners in a desperate attempt to lose herself in the maze of bedrooms and offices. How could she be so stupid? She shouldn't have said anything. Her stupid rant had probably upset them all. She should learn to control her mouth, to be silent, just like she had always been with her parents. The hospital had loosened her tongue and not in a good way.

And then she crashed into someone again.

She was hoping it was someone like Harvar or Luke who would let her pass on. But it was Ox, adjusting his glasses and giving her a weird sort of smile, half smug and half amused. Then the smile faded away. He'd probably seen the tears.

"Um…are you alright?" He asked awkwardly. "I heard you had to…meet with your parents."

"I did." Maka said shortly, rubbing at her eyes. She barely knew Ox, not enough to have a deep conversation with. And right now, she was exhausted and didn't want to speak to anyone, especially after her long speech which had properly upset her friends.

"And…it didn't go well?" Ox pressed on.

"No, it was horrible." Maka snapped. "Like always, they treated me like dirt. Like they wanted something completely different and got me instead."

"I know the feeling." Ox said and suddenly Maka remembered something. Words Kim had said to her.

"Ox, poor boy doesn't know any better than to love himself. His father drilled it into his head, never fail."

"Um…I'm sorry." Maka said. "That you feel that way. But your parents shouldn't make you feel that way. You're super smart and everyone likes you, especially Harvar."

"My mum died giving birth to me." Ox said abruptly. "So it was mostly my dad. And because he didn't like who I was, he tried to change me, to make me perfect and to never fail."

"Ox…I…" Maka was at a loss for words as she tried and failed to process what was going on. Ox was just telling her this.

"You don't need to say anything Maka." Ox said, his eyes narrowing behind his glasses. "I'm here to try and fix what he did to me, to understand that I don't need to love myself and be the best. My dad hurt me but I let him. And I hate that he's still controlling me even though we haven't talked in a year. My dad was stupid I think. Really stupid. But know that your parents were blind to what they had. You are an amazing person from what I can tell, truly amazing Maka. You help people just as much as they help you. And that's all you need to take in from this conversation. I have to go find Harvar." He turned and walked away, as abruptly as the conversation had started.

"Thank you," Maka called after him. Ox gave no indication that he'd heard. But somehow, Maka knew he had.

And yet again, the weight she constantly carried around lifted. Just a little. But she felt it. And she made up her mind. She would get better.

Bit by bit, Maka would get rid of the burden that dragged her down. Now that bits were missing, she was keenly aware to how heavy and slow her body felt, as if depression and all its drama were chains attached to an unknown location. She'd released herself from two of them. She'd faced her parents, she'd realised that she could help people.

And now she had to keep on going.


Soul tracked Maka down later that night after she'd avoided their group session and dinner, eyes weirdly alert despite the large bags under them.

"I convinced the others to leave you alone for a bit." He said. "That's all I wanted when my brother showed up out of nowhere."

That's right. Soul's brother had rocked up a few days ago after the aquarium visit. Right now, Soul was probably the only person to know what she was currently trying to deal with.

"But Maka, they weren't upset over your rant as you called it." Soul's lips twitched up in a sort of smile. "We could never be made at your feelings. And a lot of us understood what you were talking about. So that's one less thing for you to worry about."

Maka didn't know what to say so she just mimicked Soul's smile and swung her hands uselessly at her side.

"And I have to say something to you too, apart from that." Soul took a deep breath. "It was wrong of me to just dump the whole two months thing on you without any sort of explanation. I was too caught up in myself to realise that it was a pretty upsetting thing to hear. It wasn't something cool dudes like me do." He laughed bitterly. "So yeah, I was stupid. Sorry,"

"Soul it's…it's alright." Maka said helplessly. But maybe it wasn't alright. Maybe it was time for Maka to stop forgiving people, starting with her parents. Part of her had hoped after all, that maybe there was a reason, that maybe her parents were depressed or something.

"It's not alright," Soul echoed Maka's thoughts. "And I need you to see that. I only thought of myself. I was looking to unload my burdens and that was selfish of me."

"Yeah, it wasn't alright." Maka tested the words out and decided she liked being truthful. "Because I was worried sick Soul. And I had no idea what two months even meant. You scared me. I need all my friends Soul. And you're my friend as well. I need you too Soul…but I need you to be clear with me."

"I want to tell you what the two months thing is, I really do." Soul admitted. "But I need to be ready. And right now, I'm still dealing with it." He held up his hands, showing off the raw skin from countless scratching. Maka swore she saw faint white lines beneath them but couldn't tell. And if they were there, they probably weren't something Soul wanted to bring up. "So I can't tell you, not just yet. I'm sorry."

"I understand." Maka gave him a stronger smile than the one before. "But Soul…my parents don't like wasting their money on me. They don't want me to stay here any longer, from what I can tell. And after I yelled at them, they'll probably want to yank me out faster than I can get my head around it."

"No…"

"Yes," Maka felt sad enough to warrant tears but she was all dried out, weary and sick from all her crying. "They really do hate me."

"You shouldn't have to deal with that." Soul said angrily. "None of us should. We're just kids. Just…just teenagers in this messed up world. Kid shouldn't have been abused. Tsubaki shouldn't have to deal with all the teasing. Liz and Patty shouldn't have to deal with being homeless and BlackStar…shouldn't have to deal with anything."

"And you Soul." Maka reminded him. "You shouldn't have to deal with your problems either. It's not fair on us. But we can make it fair. That's why DWMA is here. And when my parents pull me out, I hope you can learn to make it fair."

"Maka…"

"I should do some packing." Maka interrupted Soul. "I can't see why they'd keep me in here." She turned to leave but Azusa was suddenly there, blocking her path.

"Maka, there you are." The therapist gave her a kindly smile. "I need to discuss some things from you. Would you like to come to my office?"

"No, I know what it is. I'll go pack." Maka said sadly. It was hitting her hard now. She was being taken from the only home she'd ever known and being tossed back into the empty house. "Are they taking me home right now? No goodbye party? I mean, it's selfish but I really do want one."

"Maka,"

"I can write right? And call? And visit if you go on more field trips?" Maka felt the tears that she thought had long since dried out threatening to come back. "Maybe they can come back tomorrow so I can say goodbye properly."

"Maka!"

"Oh sorry," Maka hung her head. "Of course it's today. They never think of me."

"Maka, please just listen to me." Azusa rested her hands on Maka's shoulders.

"Sorry," Maka's cheeks flamed as she heard Soul snicker in the background. Really? This was not the time Soul. "I'm just…a little upset to be leaving." Well that was an understatement. She was super upset to be leaving.

"Oh Maka," Azusa laughed a little and removed her hands. "What are you talking about?"

"Well…" Maka stared at her. "My parents don't want to pay for me to be here. So they're taking me out. Right?"

"Maka you've figured out a lot today. But you still have more things to figure out. So much more. And I managed to convince your parents that. They won't be taking you out just yet. Not until we think you're ready."

It took a moment for the words to finally sink in for Maka.

figured out a lot… more things to figure out… convince your parents… won't be taking you out

.

Won't be taking you out!

"Are you serious?" Maka's hands flew to her mouth. Her heart was racing, from fear or joy she wasn't sure. "You're not joking right?"

"Of course not," Azusa was back in professional mode. "And tomorrow I'll let you know what we talked about after you left. But for now, it's late and you really do need to be in bed." She gave Maka a nod, a small smile and walked away. Maka barely noticed.

"Soul!" She cried, looking to the boy to confirm what she'd heard was real and she wasn't dreaming.

"I heard Maka," the boy laughed, probably at her but she couldn't care less.

"Oh my god!" She ran at Soul and flung her arms around his neck. He stumbled back but managed to keep them upright. It was completely platonic, a hug of pure joy. "I'm so glad, I'm so glad." She sobbed into his neck, over and over again.

Maka needed to be here right now in DWMA, needed her best friends, needed everyone else. She needed Marie and Azusa. She needed the atmosphere, the comfort, she needed everything about it. She needed the hospital more than she had ever needed her house with its dusty decor and lack of anything happy. She needed it with every part of her being.

There would come a time where she couldn't rely on this place anymore. She knew that. There would come a time where she couldn't rely on Soul or Kid or Liz. Couldn't turn to Tsubaki and laugh with Patty. Couldn't joke with BlackStar and Kilik or cheer up the twins. Couldn't sit quietly with Jacqueline or Harvar. Couldn't chat with Ox. She wouldn't be able to cry to Marie or smile with Azusa.

There would come a time where Maka had to leave DWMA and return to the real world. She would have to learn to stand on her own feet and leave behind her first ever home. She would lose everything she had ever held dear and the world they came from.

But for now, with her arms around Soul's neck and friends around every corner, it was enough for Maka. It was more than enough.


*Makes sad playlist and listens to it* Sometimes things just suck. Luckily for Maka, things are pretty awesome for her right now.

Please drop a review if you feel like it xxxxxxxx