Sorry I Couldn't be Better 31- Leaving
Look I have no excuses (okay I have lots but I'm sure you don't want to hear my sob stories) for such a late update. I love you all so much and I hate that this took forever. Please forgive me (if you're still around lol I wouldn't be surprised if you all gave up on me.)
To be honest, I have not lost interest in this story. I love it so much and am so proud of it. The thing is I have three ongoing POSTED stories including this one, and so many more I want to write. The way I write is that I feel more motivated if I upload it, because I know people read it. I have good stories (well I think they're good) that I'll never finish ATM because I'm working on my posted ones. What I'm trying to say is this story will be finishing soon. Hopefully…I honestly don't know where I'm going with this. 31 chapters just seems so long, aha. But, I will try and write an amazing ending when it does come around.
Replies to guest reviews
ie: If you're still reading this, thanks for the review. I'm determined to keep this up to the end, no matter what fandoms I get into (AKA Assassination Classroom my current fave)
videosrockyolo: Thanks so much for the review! It makes me so happy that you came back to this fic.
Canadian Guest: Thank you so much for your kind words. It means a lot to hear that I represent everything accurately. I'm so happy that you liked the fic, that also means a lot to me.
Strawberry Shake: Oh gosh I'm glad you liked the chapter, especially the character development. I strive to develop them all so I'm really happy that you noticed xx
Guest May 18th: A work of art? I'm so flattered. I'm glad I've written something you can relate to, another goal of mine.
Guest June 9th: Thanks so much for the reviews and for reading! I'm really happy that everyone was happy when I went for Crona's original gender, I wasn't sure if it'd all work out or not. I'm glad it did.
TheArtSmartQueen: Oh my gosh thank you so much for those amazing words. I'm blushing. Your support is appreciated greatly, I cannot thank you enough.
Blooddearest: Your review just blew me away, I was so astounded honestly. Every word you wrote resonated with me, I'm just so happy that you liked my writing enough to leave such a lovely comment. I'm sorry I couldn't give you an update earlier. You sound like such a strong and amazing person. Thank you!
Guest October 2nd: Thank you so much for your review! As always, I got ridiculously happy, thanks for taking the time to do it!
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The second month of Soul's two months decided to create a contrast between its predecessor and drag on. It was day four and it felt to Maka that time was moving so very slow now. Upon realising (or discovering, whatever you wanted to call it) that those terrible voices were really just her, and that she wasn't adding on another mental disorder to her diagnosis, Maka had thrown herself into 'getting better.' She was determined to make a better life for herself, and perhaps throw herself into a career where she could help people like the staff at the hospital had helped her. She'd finish school, get a job and pursue whatever career she wanted to.
She would stop waiting on her parents, and start relying on herself.
Her friends had already noticed a change in her, and weren't afraid to mention it.
"You seem chipper." Kilik had laughed.
"It's n-nice to see you smile m-more." Tsubaki had stuttered.
"You the bomb Maka!" BlackStar had called out in hilarious out of date language that had had everyone in stiches.
"It's good to see that you do have a chance." Kid had said sombrely, but his face held a hint of a smile. Maka was drawn back to their conversation where Kid had explained about how many of the patients would remain in the hospital for most of their lives, only the teen didn't know where to place her in those standings. Now he thought she did have the courage and ability to get out. To Maka, that meant a lot.
Soul was still just as busy, working to make some sort of progress that would keep him in the hospital and out of the long term care facility. He found time for Maka though. He found time for everyone. This in a way, was progress. Soul may have had friends, but he wasn't necessarily the nicest of people to be around and he often didn't seek the patients out, allowing them to come to him instead. Now, he was engaging more and everyone found they quite liked it when he started a conversation about this book he read, or asked if they wanted to all play cards.
The good run came to a spluttering end two weeks before Soul's two months were up. Tsubaki took Maka aside one day, smiling shyly.
"What is it?" Maka asked. She felt as though she should be worried, but Tsubaki's smile hinted that there was nothing to fear.
"I've had the best news." She laughed lightly. "I get to leave the hospital. I'm going home!"
Maka's eyes widened as her brain scrambled to process the news. Her friend…her shy nervous friend…was leaving the hospital?
"I…I can't believe it…" Maka said slowly. "Tsubaki that's…that's amazing!" She reached out to hold her friend close, sure the taller girl could feel her heart thudding rapidly in her chest. "You must be so happy."
"It seems like I've been here forever." Tsubaki returned the hug gratefully. "I can't wait to see my family. We live too far away from the hospital to warrant constant visits."
"I'm so proud of you." Maka got out, the words catching in her throat as she forced some sense of happiness into them. Tsubaki was leaving her, like Kim had left. No! Tsubaki couldn't go! She was Maka's friend!
"Oh Maka," Tsubaki titled her head. "It's alright to be upset." Maka bowed her head, embarrassed that her friend had seen through her so easily.
"How could you tell?" She asked thickly.
"Because I'd have been just as upset if you were the one leaving." Tsubaki said softly. "And whilst I'm happy to be leaving, I'm sad too. I have to leave all of you. This has been my home for so long and I can't believe I have to leave it all behind. I can't believe I had to leave all of you behind."
"But deserve to go." Maka rubbed at her eyes furiously. "You're so brave and strong. If anyone deserves this, it's you."
"Maka…"
"I'm happy for you." Maka insisted. She smiled thought it was weak and they both knew it. "I'm happy you get to go home. I'm happy you can have your life back."
"I never lost my life." Tsubaki said gently. "Coming to this hospital didn't kill the life I was living, it enhanced it. The time I've spent here is part of who I am and I'm proud of that. Things change. I knew this wasn't permanent."
"Is it weird to wish it was?" Maka laughed bitterly. Tsubaki gave her a careful look.
"No," she smiled. "It's just very human."
"What does it even mean to be human?" Maka stared at her hands, but Tsubaki reached out and lifted her head up so their eyes could meet.
"It means feeling." Tsubaki said earnestly. "It means being."
"That doesn't make any sense."
"It doesn't have to."
News spread quickly and soon Tsubaki had a crowd of people gathered around her, chatting away in excitement. It seemed like everyone was there to offer their congratulations. Maka hung around the edges of the crowd, trying and failing to be happy. She could already picture the empty seat at their table in her mind. She already missed Tsubaki's tinkling laughter, her gentle smile and warm words of encouragement.
"Not your favourite announcement ever, huh." Soul appeared beside her suddenly like he always did. Maka shook her head rather than giving a verbal answer. The two stood in silence for a while and watched Tsubaki light up the room with her happiness.
"I want to be happy for her." Maka whispered. "Why can't I?" Soul gave her a strange look.
"Because she's your friend. Duh."
"And what does that mean?"
"It means you don't want her to go."
"I've never really had any friends before." Maka found herself confessing. It wasn't exactly a secret but it was certainly the first time she'd ever really announced it. "And so I've never had to say goodbye before."
"This isn't really goodbye though." Soul pointed out. "She's not going to forget about us. Kim didn't."
"Still…" Maka's eyes never left Tsubaki.
"You'll follow her soon enough." Soul said casually.
"What?" Maka finally tore her gaze away from Tsubaki to stare at Soul. "What does that mean?" Soul shrugged.
"Let's face it Maka. You're healing, getting better. Everyone can see it, even Ox and that kid is ridiculously oblivious to almost everything beside himself. I don't think anyone's seen you this happy since you first came here. All the doctors can talk about is how proud they are of you and your progress. We're all proud of you too. There was a while where we thought we'd lose you altogether. It wouldn't surprise me if they released you in the next week or so."
"N-no," Maka stammered, shaken by what Soul had just told her. "They can't. I need to be here."
"Until you don't." Soul said bluntly. "Let's face it. We all move forward eventually. Whether that's to another hospital or back out into the world is up to you. And it looks like to me that you've chosen to head back into the world, which is honestly the best choice."
"I don't want to go." Maka cried.
"You're lucky you have that choice Maka. Not many of us do." Soul said seriously.
"I…" Maka trailed off. "I don't feel like I'm ready though."
"No one ever feels like they're ready." Soul laughed. "That'd just be insane."
"The outside world." Maka closed her eyes and pictured it. She thought about the bullying, the lonely dinners and dusty pictures. She thought about crisp words that held no emotion at all. She thought about the stacks of books that she buried herself in until everything around her blurred.
"Penny for your thoughts." Soul leant over.
"I don't think I've ever had the chance to live in the outside world. Not really." Maka confessed. "I buried myself away because it felt like nobody wanted me. I always felt like I was missing out on something. It was like the entire world was playing a game but nobody bothered to tell me the rules."
"Give it a try, you might like it."
"I just want to hold onto this place for as long as I can. I don't know how to say goodbye."
"Don't think about it." Soul rubbed at his head. "Enjoy each day as it comes and when the time comes to go, view it as the next step to recovery. You can do that, right?"
"Maybe," Maka stared back at Tsubaki who was hugging Patty close, smiling over her head as she talked to Liz. Maybe she could be as strong as Tsubaki.
Maybe…
Tsubaki was due to leave them in a week. She was given plenty of time to prepare for her return to the world outside the hospital. Maka made sure she was there for her friend. Over time she found her faked happiness evolved into something real and the sadness dropped away. Everyone was right. Things changed and people keep walking forward. It wouldn't be fair to hate Tsubaki for wanting to do just that. The hospital was certainly a home to all of them but Tsubaki had another one, full of people she loved dearly.
"I had a brother." Tsubaki told Maka one day as they cleaned up her room in preparation for her departure, eyes sad as she folded clothes into a suitcase. "I suppose you already know that."
"I'd heard it in passing, yeah." Maka looked over from where she was removing blu tack from a bunch of pictures that had hung on the wall.
"He died." Tsubaki said simply.
"Oh Tsubaki."
"He was my support system. I'd always been anxious, but it wasn't so bad. But then he died…he killed himself." Tsubaki looked over at Maka, tears in her eyes. "I blamed myself. Everything got so bad that I ended up here. I hated my parents for ages. They were getting me help but they'd just left my brother alone. I came to realise however, that they didn't know he was suffering and that it wasn't their fault. I love my parents as much as I love my brother. I can't imagine ever hating them now."
"What was he like?" Maka asked curiously.
"He was the best." Tsubaki said fondly. "We used to have sleepovers where he'd come into my room and we'd stay up all night telling funny stories. If I was lonely he'd drop everything to come play with me, even if it was something silly like houses. He liked a good joke, but he also like to sit and just think about the world."
"I think he would've liked it here." Maka said honestly.
"Yeah," Tsubaki hummed. "I think he would've."
"Tsubaki," Maka ventured, since it was obviously the time to share feelings. "What is specific disorder?" Tsubaki sighed and sat down on the bed, abandoning the packing.
"Sometimes it doesn't feel real."
"What do you mean?"
"Well it's an anxiety disorder." Tsubaki explained. "It's explained as an unreasonable or irrational fear of something. That's what I hate the most, it makes me sound like I didn't deserve to feel the way I did. Like me getting so nervous about being in crowds or talking about suicide that I made myself sick was all because I was some stupid girl."
"If there's anything I've learnt about being here," Maka moved to sit next to Tsubaki. "It's that everyone's pain is real, and that nobody should make you feel like you're not allowed to feel the way you do."
"Thanks Maka," Tsubaki wrapped an arm around Maka. "I know this hasn't been easy for you."
"That doesn't matter." Maka said quickly. "This isn't about me."
"Everyone's pain matters." Tsubaki reminded her. "You're allowed to miss me."
"I know."
"I'll miss you too."
"I know."
"You're crying."
"So are you."
"So I am."
Maka walked into her daily individual counselling session three days before Tsubaki was due to leave to find both her therapists were there, waiting for her. Azusa was flipping through a manila folder, whilst Marie smiled widely at the teen.
"Hi," Maka said, hesitation dripping from her voice. She flashed back briefly to what Soul has said and fear pierced her heart, icy cold.
"Sorry for the shock, we decided the both of us should see you today." Azusa said crisply, closing the folder gently and setting it on her lap. "How are you today?"
A few months ago, Maka would have settled for a mumbled 'fine' or a shrug, but today she straightened up with confidence.
"Really good actually. I feel proud of myself." That was true, she did feel proud of herself for the way she'd been handling things lately.
"You should be." Marie's smiled widened, if that was possible. "You've made great progress. We honestly didn't think we could get through to you at first." Maka should have felt offended, but she mostly felt guilty for having put the hardworking therapists through a lot of pain because she was being selfish.
"It's not your fault Maka." Azusa gestured with her hand dismissively, as if sensing Maka's thoughts and deciding to wave them away. "Most people at the DWMA are like that. It's always such a joy to see people begin to change and grow during their time here, like you."
"Thanks," Maka said a tad awkwardly. "So, what's today about?"
"We have some good news." Marie explained. "Well, we think it's good news. It's…"
"Subjective." Azusa cut in smoothly. "How you feel about it is up to you."
"Right," Maka said slowly, chewing at her lip. It was coming, she knew it was. She braced herself.
"We feel that perhaps Maka, it is time for you to leave DWMA."
Maka wasn't prepared for the terror that struck her so head her head was reeling. Her parents popped up into her mind, stern glares piercing into her very being and beyond.
"I can't," she gasped. "I can't go back there, not to them, not now. All the things you've done for me, they'll wash it down the drain."
"We understand that." Marie said gently. "We're working on alternate options."
"A-alternate options?" Maka stuttered.
"Your parent's are being slapped with the charge of child negligence Maka. You're not going back to them." Azusa explained.
"I'm not…" Maka couldn't believe her ears. She was being taken away from them? But she loved them…right?
Wrong.
"Where will I go?"
"We have a few options." Marie winked. "I think I know which one you'll like the most."
"Why?" Maka bent over, struggling to control her breathing.
"Because we know what sending you back to that house would do." Azusa's voice was soft and kind. "Neither of us were comfortable with doing that. We made the decisions to do something about it. We're going to find you a family who will really love you."
"We think we already have." Marie cut in. "We already have approval for it, but the choice is yours."
"I get a choice?" Maka finally looked back up at the two people working so hard to bring her happiness.
"Of course." Azusa said. "There's always a choice."
"Can I just process this first?" Maka asked. "I need to lie down and think for a bit."
"That's fine." Marie jumped in before Azusa could protest. "Come talk to us when you're ready and we'll tell you your options."
"Right," Maka leapt up and basically fled the office. She was headed for her room but found herself stumbling across Kilik who was leaning against a wall in the corridor reading a book. Fire and Thunder tumbled around him, playing some sort of game. Maka was losing it by now and it was definitely obvious to the three patients.
"Maka what's wrong?" Kilik asked, leaping to his feet.
"I need…I need a distraction." Maka said wildly. "I've just heard some news and I need to hear something, anything."
"Right, of course." Kilik straightened up. His eyes met the twins and they nodded. "Did I ever tell you why Thunder and Fire are selectively mute?"
"N-no."
"At school, Fire got teased a lot. He had a lisp and everyone made fun of it. Every time he spoke people ridiculed him. It came to the point where he got scared to open his mouth. He stopped talking at school, and then it got so bad that he stopped talking at home too. The only person he spoke to was Thunder. She was so upset that she stopped speaking as well, to support her twin."
"O-oh,"
"I guess what I'm trying to say Maka, is that there is always someone who will support you no matter what. Even if you think you're alone, there's always someone out there. You have to find that person and hold onto them tight. Don't let them go."
Maka got back to her room with the help of Kilik and sunk into her bed, thoughts flying through her head. What was she going to do? She was leaving, but not only that, she was starting a whole new life. She wasn't returning to the one she'd had before. She didn't have to suffer in silence anymore. She could find love and acceptance.
It was too much.
Maka put her head in her hands and cried.
She cried for Tami who thought the only way to be perfect was to waste away.
She cried for Luke who faked illness after illness until even he didn't know what was the truth anymore.
She cried for Ox who was taught to be the best and only the best until it tore his personality apart.
She cried for Harvar who locked himself away from everyone because something so bad had happened to him that he couldn't bear to leave himself vulnerable ever again.
She cried for Fire who silenced himself for fear of humiliation because every time he spoke, he was laughed at.
She cried for Thunder who silenced herself for the sake of her twin until she forgot was it was like to speak freely and without fear.
She cried for Kilik whose only way out of his hell hole of a home was to destroy his mind slowly with drugs until one day he just snapped.
She cried for Jacqueline who couldn't stand loud noises because it sent her tumbling back to the horrific past where she woke to find everyone she loved was dead.
She cried for Kim who was gone, but who still mattered, who had found temptations too much to bear because she was never allowed anything and she had no choice but to grab it herself.
She cried for Crona, abused so horrifically by their mother that they couldn't deal with anything because of the paralysing fear that haunted him every single second he lived.
She cried for BlackStar whose mind decided it would turn against him and tell him to do all these terrible things to himself so he could stop the pain for just one second.
She cried for Patty and her fluctuating emotions that meant she was a danger to herself and others even if all she wanted to do was love everyone.
She cried for Liz who couldn't see anything but danger in the world when she should be seeing the beauty in it.
She cried for Kid, a broken and battered boy who was trying his best to get past what had happened to him and yet his best just wasn't enough.
She cried for Tsubaki who had lost the person she loved the most and had fallen apart because she couldn't stand without him.
She cried for Soul who thought he was a demon, who lived in constant fear of things nobody else could see and yet was still struggling to live the life nobody thought he could.
Most of all, Maka cried for herself and the love she'd never felt until she'd tried to kill herself. She cried for herself because she'd never done that before and now was the perfect time to start. She cried because she'd been so scared of her parents and now people were trying her hardest to make sure she could leave behind. She cried because she finally had friends who loved and supported her and she did the same back. She cried because they were her friends and now she had to leave them behind. She cried because sometimes the only thing you could do was cry.
As she cried herself dry, she felt calmer.
It was time to go
Phew. That's that. I wrote about 2000 words so quickly because you guys deserve an update. Again, I'm so sorry. If you can, please forgive me.
