Sorry I Couldn't be Better 32- The End Part 1
I have not and never will give up on this story until it is finished. Which will be soon. I do however, have a very busy life. And a lot of other interests. And two jobs. And I'm a full time uni student. I did honestly think about putting this on hiatus. I swore to myself I'd never make you guys wait over a year and yet here we are.
However, I also feel that as I've written the story of Maka's mental state improving, so has mine. I've seen a lot of professionals over the years but the most recent person I saw (just this year) helped me the most. I don't have these horrible thoughts I used to have. I actually feel better. My mental state has improved. I'm not suicidal anymore. And so I NEED to conclude Maka's story.
There's a lot of stuff I hoped to address in this story but probably won't get to. This is in part due to how long the story has being going on. I've sorta forgotten some of the plot points. However, I am going to end this story in what I hope is the best way possible.
Finally, this update is owed in particular to someone. A big massive thanks to Chellzcurrier on Tumblr who messaged me to ask about this story. It honestly made my entire day and inspired me to get onto this.
Thank you. I would not be here right now without each and every one of you.
Response to Guest Reviews
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I have a name: Woah, those sound like some insane dreams. Series of repetitive dreams are the weirdest of all. And thank you so, so, so much for your kind review. You don't talk too much at all. I love to hear from the people who read my stories. Thank you so much for your support. You have mine as well.
Littleangel1031: Thank you so much for leaving me an amazing review, even when you weren't signed in. I hope you enjoy this next chapter!
Tanner: Omg, that's so nice. Thank you!
Guest March 14: Thanks so much for supporting me and continuing to read this story. I hope you're doing okay. Sorry for making you wait so long. It's very bittersweet for me too which may be while I'm putting it off.
Kim: Thanks for reviewing and being an ongoing reader! And thanks for being so understanding, it means a lot.
Your fan 3: Thank you for leaving such a lovely, long review. I hope you're doing better and that things are alright for you. Your reviews will never be a bother to me, thank you for supporting me and my story.
Guest Jan 14: The update is here. I hope the end is satisfying to you all!
Maka felt lighter after her crying session. Her head ached thanks to it, and she felt pretty gross. But she also felt better. She felt as though a huge weight she hadn't even been aware of had been lifted off her chest and she could breathe again. It was as if Maka had cried all her worries away. She felt sure of herself, ready to tell the everybody the choice she'd made. It was a hard one. But she was certain it was the right one.
Maka was ready to leave the hospital.
There was no point in staying, not if she didn't need to be there anymore. Kid was right. So many of Maka's friends at the hospital didn't have the chance that she had. They were most likely destined to be stuck in places like the DWMA forever, loath as Maka was to admit it. She'd be letting them all down if she didn't take it. She was going to do this for them. Especially Soul, who was putting huge effort into making himself better. Maka couldn't make herself purposely worse, not when a new and exciting life was out there waiting for her. She'd spent so long living in this horrible black and white world where everyone belonged except for her. But no more!
Maka wanted to live that good life.
It was just a matter of where her new home would be.
It couldn't be her parents. They were being charged with negligence. Nobody in their right mind would send her back to live with them.
Are you sad?
I…no. No I'm not. Maybe once. But not now
Good.
So her parents were out of the equation. Maybe Maka would reconnect with them one day, when she was older. But she was still young, and hurt, and in pain. For now, she'd leave their lives and start her own, somewhere else. Somewhere safe and kind and loving.
Marie and Azusa had said they had a few options. They'd mentioned that there was one in particular that they thought she'd especially like. Maka was curious. She knew that kids like here, older than most and not exactly stable, proper and desirable, were often looked over by those looking to adopt or foster. The fear of the unknown was there, but Maka trusted her two loving therapists to make a good choice on where to send her. They wouldn't undo their hard work by sending her to a place that would bring her good mental state crashing down.
Would they?
There was only one way to work it out. Maka had to go back to Marie and Azusa and tell them that she'd made her choice. She'd leave the hospital, just like Tsubaki was doing. She'd re-enter a world she'd been so desperate to leave and she'd throw herself into making the best possible future for herself.
And most importantly, she wouldn't forget all her friends who had to stay behind for however long. She'd visit them as often as she could. She'd prove to them that they could get better and re-join the world once more. If she could do it, so could they.
Maka wiped the remains of her tears from her face and straightened her rumpled clothes. She probably hadn't been crying for long, but it felt as though hours had passed since the news of her departure had been broken. Hopefully Marie and Azusa would still be together, so that Maka could tell them that she was ready to go.
Are you ready?
You're me. We are ready. I'm ready
We're letting go.
Yes. We are. And that's a good thing. Nothing lasts forever. Not in the way you expect it to, anyway
We won't last forever.
No. We won't. But we can last for a long time
We didn't want to do that before
We do now
Everybody dies.
I know. But right now, I'm alive. And that's a good thing
Is it?
Yes. And you know it
Silence…
Maka grinned to herself. Managing the voices was easier now that she knew it was mainly her own self-doubt that she had to shut up. She was getting good at this.
She made her way through the winding corridors. Confident in her choice as she was, Maka was going to miss the little things about the hospital. She'd come to know these corridors, from her late-night wanderings. They'd provided her with safety, and a chance to get lost for a little bit. She was going to be sad when she didn't have them to offer a hiding place.
"Pretty funny, getting sad over walls." Maka laughed to herself.
"Why are we getting sad about walls?"
Maka spun and saw Patty standing there, excitable grin in place. That was one thing about the hospital that wasn't always a good thing. You couldn't swing a cat around without hitting one of the other patients. And Maka always seemed to run into them when she was trying to be secretive, or in need of some alone time.
"Just feeling nostalgic." Maka bluffed. She couldn't tell Patty her news right now. Patty would surely be heartbroken when she heard that Maka was leaving. She'd already been gutted about Tsubaki's departure in three days. At least she'd had Liz there to comfort her. Now Patty was alone. Maka couldn't bring herself to reveal the truth. Not yet.
She was going to protect them all just a little longer.
"I feel nostalgic all the time." Patty agreed cheerfully. "Like when they stopped serving my favourite brand of ice-cream at dinner."
"That is pretty sad." Maka agreed. Then, she spoke, without thinking. "When you leave here, you can probably get it again. And then it won't be sad anymore."
Patty paused. "When I…get out of here?"
"Yeah." Maka hesitated as well. Had she said something wrong? "When you leave."
"You're funny." Patty said, but her voice had taken on an eerie tone. "Why would I ever leave here? I live here."
"I didn't know that." Maka said hastily. Liz and Patty had been homeless before, she knew that. But did they really have nowhere to go once they left. Did that mean they were never going to be allowed to go? Maka was in the same boat, but there were options. Why didn't Liz and Patty have this option.
"That's okay then." Patty brightened up again. "Seeya." She dashed off, leaving Maka to blink after her, a little worried about the sudden mood changes. After a few moments, Maka started up her little journey again. Patty was a loveable child and Maka wasn't going to blame her for being a little scary at times, but still.
Not nice Maka.
Yeah. I'm sorry. I'll apologise later
She won't even know what you're apologising for.
That doesn't matter
Stop being so nice. Nobody ever was to you
She's not nobody. She's not like the others
How can you be so sure?
Because I know her!
Maka tore herself from her thoughts and wandered on.
She arrived at the office (Azusa's) and knocked, rocking back and forth on her heels as she waited for a reply.
"Come in." Azusa called. Maka opened the door and entered. Much to her relief, Marie was still there. The two therapists were drinking from matching tea cups. Both smiled at Maka as she sat down in a chair.
"Maka. Back again, I see." Marie teased lightly.
"Feeling alright?" Azusa asked warmly, though there was an edge in her voice. She could probably tell that Maka had been crying.
"I'm fine." Maka smiled back. "Sorry for leaving so abruptly before. I just had to think things over."
"Of course." Azusa nodded. "We gave you some shocking news. Needing the time to process it was only natural."
"Thanks." Maka looked down at her hands. "It was sort of hard to process, but I understand now. You're right. I do need to leave the hospital. I'm ready to go."
Marie clapped her hands together in delight. "Maka, that's wonderful! I'm so proud of you. What we gave you was a difficult choice. I'm so glad you made one that you're happy with." She grinned over at Azusa. "We both are."
"Me too." Maka inwardly breathed a sigh of relief. "The only thing I'm worried about is where I'll go. You said you had some options. What are they?"
"Well…" Azusa and Marie exchanged a look. Azusa produced her Maka notebook and flipped to a page. "One would be entering a system our hospital has in place. We often treat people with no homes to return to after their time in the hospital, so we have our very own foster system in place. Each available home has been trained to look after people with a history of mental health issues. Many of the people who are part of this system are current of former members of the psychology field."
That didn't sound too bad to Maka. If all else failed, there was always that. But…
"We also tracked down some of your family members." Marie explained gently. "Your maternal grandmother said she was willing to take you in if necessary. The issue there is she lives three cities over and cannot move to Death city. You'd have to move out to her."
Maka's grandmother…she'd been distant Maka's whole life, thanks to the distance. Maka would have liked to have a chance to know her, but she couldn't move. Her whole life was in Death city. The hospital was there. The only friends she'd ever had were there. She couldn't leave everything behind.
"We figured you wouldn't be too keen on that one." Marie laughed a little, obviously picking up on Maka's discomfort at the idea.
"Is there another?" Maka asked hopefully. She was yet to hear one that she really, really liked, and Marie and Azusa had said there was one, so there was at least one more option."
"Yes." Azusa closed the notebook and set it on her lap. "As you know, Tsubaki is leaving the hospital very soon. She has been writing to her parents a lot, and mentioned your problems with your parents. They wrote back to her, inviting her to have you stay with them for a bit. Tsubaki told me this and I got into contact with them. They're very eager to have you go live with them. Tsubaki sees you as a kind and loving friend. They want her to be happy at home. And they'd like you to be happy too. They'd like to foster you."
It wasn't what Maka had been expecting.
The very thought of living with one of her friends had never even crossed her mind. She'd never thought it would be a possibility. But now…to live with Tsubaki…to have people looking after her…to be happy…it was like a dream.
"I could…do that?" Maka said slowly.
"Yes, you could." Azusa confirmed.
"They actually want me?"
"We wouldn't suggest this if we thought they didn't."
"I could live with Tsubaki?"
"It's a lot to take in." Marie said kindly. "We're putting a lot on you today Maka. Are you alright?"
"I'm…I'm great." A large grin spread over Maka's face. "In fact…I think I'm fantastic."
Marie laughed loudly, a similar grin blooming to life. "Wonderful!"
"Is that the option you'd like?' Azusa was professional as always, but there was a hint of laughter in her voice.
Maka froze for just a moment. But it was only a second and in that second, she pushed every single doubt she had about the situation away. She allowed herself to just be happy and carefree and excited.
"Yes. Yes, I'd love it."
The smiles she got in return made everything worth it.
The thing is, making a choice is one thing. Following through with that choice is another. Doubt often hits people the most after they actually make a choice. Maka was learning that the hard way.
She was yet to tell the others that she was leaving, and as she struggled to pack her belongings back into her suitcase, the regret started to hit her. Sure, she was taking a chance that the others didn't have, and she was technically doing it in support of them, but wasn't it also selfish. She was going out into the world in a way that they probably couldn't ever do again. Maka was abandoning them. She was a part of the world they had in the hospital, and when she left, so would that part of the world.
So yeah, Maka may have been certain when she made the choice. But now…well…it was harder to say.
Could she really leave this place behind? It had been such a big moment when she'd decided to stay and get better. It almost felt like yesterday. She hadn't been at the hospital for very long at all. Yes, so much had happened. But it didn't feel like enough.
There'd been that big speech she'd given them after her parents had come to visit. She'd yelled those words so desperately. She'd poured her heart and soul into them. The hospital had become her home. She'd told them all that. She'd cried in agony at the very thought of leaving. She'd told them how she needed them. She wanted them to need her too. She wanted to be at the hospital. Was that all going to mean nothing now? Was it just going to end up being one big lie?
You can't stay Maka…
I know
So why are you being so stupid?
Because goodbyes are hard
Your whole life is hard
This is the hardest thing I've ever done though
It's not a goodbye
Then what is it?
A beginning
Maka folded a sweater and held it to her chest for a moment, focusing on breathing. Her eyes fluttered closed as she struggled to ground herself. She fought against the horrible thoughts that tried to overwhelm her. She wasn't being bad, or evil. She was allowed to leave. She couldn't keep thinking so negatively. Nobody was going to see her leaving as her abandoning them. Nobody had thought that when Kim left. Nobody had thought that when Tsubaki had announced her departure. Sure, people had been upset. But that was natural. Everyone on floor four loved each other. They were happy for those who got a chance to leave.
Maka opened her eyes and smiled. The wave of negativity had receded. She felt alright. It was proof she could make it out there. She and Tsubaki were going to do it together!
Speaking of Tsubaki...
There was a knock at Maka's door and then it opened carefully. Tsubaki stood there, smiling widely.
"I just came from Azusa's office. She told me you're going to leave when I do and live with me!" The girl exclaimed, voice stutter free and confident. "I'm so happy!"
"Me too!" Maka laughed and got up to run over and hug the girl. They held each other for a moment, content just to be together. Then they broke apart, grinning at each other.
"I've always wanted a sister." Tsubaki beamed. "I mean…" Here, her expression drooped a bit. "My brother…I miss him so much. And I'll never stop missing him. But having a sibling again! And it's you, Maka.
"I've always wanted a sibling." Maka agreed. "And if I did have one, I want them to be just like you."
"Well it is me." Tsubaki joked.
"Yeah." Maka turned back to her bag. Tsubaki followed her gaze.
"Packing's hard, isn't it." She said softly.
"You said it." Maka groaned. "I felt at home here, and now I'm tearing it all apart."
"I'm going to miss it." Tsubaki agreed. Maka could easily read the unspoken words.
I'm going to miss everything.
"We can visit." Maka said, almost desperately. "We can visit all the time. And catch up with them when they go on field trips. We can call, and write letters! We can still be their friends."
"It won't be the same, though." There were tears in Tsubaki's eyes now.
"No." Maka stopped trying to pretend and just fell apart. "It won't."
The two stood there and cried. Maka should have been out of tears and yet she kept finding more to spill for her friends.
"We're a mess." Tsubaki tried to smile through her tears but it slipped away quickly.
"I knew there was a reason I ended up here." Maka tried to joke.
"And now we're leaving." Tsubaki scrubbed at her eyes.
"Yeah." Maka reached out and took Tsubaki's hand. "Yeah, we are. And we have to live with that."
"Mm." Tsubaki gave Maka's hand a squeeze.
"Things won't be the same." Maka repeated. "But that's not necessarily a bad thing."
"No?"
"No." Maka smiled as best she could. Like before, the brief period of crying had left her feeling clearer and less heavy. "It's change. And that's often the very best thing."
Sometimes having someone to talk through your choices with helped to put things in perspective once more. Maka's talk with Tsubaki had proved to her that she wasn't alone in her fears. And that was a good way to be.
Not alone.
The big thing was telling everyone. Doing that had been the biggest source of Maka's fears about leaving. She felt as though she was abandoning them. Soul especially, since it wasn't even the end of his two months and Maka had wanted to be there for them. She regretted that the most, but she knew that Soul would want her to take this chance, just as he was fighting to take his.
With Tsubaki, the news had spread quickly and everyone had flocked to her. With Maka, it was up to her to tell everyone what was going to happen. And that was a lot of pressure.
She decided to tell them at dinner, when everyone was there and there were lots of nurses and other staff around to keep an eye on them all. It was a big thing to do and Maka spent the whole meal psyching herself up. Tsubaki kept catching her eye and giving her sympathetic looks. Soul had picked up on the fact that something was wrong and was nervous and jumpy. The more he fidgeted, the more nervous Maka grew. Finally, the pressure popped like a bubble. Maka found her voice. She stood.
"Um, everyone!" She called. The dining room fell quiet pretty quickly, unused to the patients themselves making announcements. "I have something to tell you all."
Maka took strength from the warm eyes on her. She had the support of her friends, even if only one of them knew what she was about to say.
You can do this Maka. I can do this.
"Tsubaki won't be the only one leaving in two days." Maka begun. She took a deep breath. "I will be as well. My time is up here. I'm going home."
Silence.
Deafening silence.
Nobody moved, talked, said anything. Not for what felt like an eternity.
Maka stood in the middle of the room. Her knees shook. Her hands trembled. The response she was waiting for wasn't coming. What was going on?
And then…
"Maka, oh my god, that's great!" Kilik leapt to his feet. The Pots moved with him, wide smiles bursting to life on their faces. The three moved to hug her quickly.
"Excellent work, Maka." Ox said primly, though his smile was genuine and his words were kind. Harvar nodded beside him and gave Maka a double thumbs up.
"Good work." Tami mumbled.
"Knew you had it in you." Luke chipped in.
"That's amazing." Jacqueline said quietly. There was a tinge of sadness to her voice but she still moved with the others to crowd in on Maka to give her hugs and encouraging pats.
Maka was glad for their support, but the people she wanted to hear from most were still sitting down, looking away from her. Her best friends in the hospital were ignoring her. Or at least, that's what it felt like.
"Guys…" Maka begun uncertainly. "I'm sorry."
"No…" BlackStar was the one who spoke, which was a little surprising considering most of what he said never went deeper than a kid's wading pool. "We're the ones who should be sorry. We're being selfish."
"Huh?"
"I don't want you to leave." BlackStar hunched over. "You're my friend. I want to protect you. I want you to protect me."
"I thought I was being the selfish one." Maka moved away from Kilik and the others to stand by her table. "I thought me leaving was going to make you jealous that I got to leave and you didn't."
"We're the ones who are being unreasonable." Liz burst out. "Maka, you're my best friend! I don't want you to go! I want to stay with you. It's not that I'm jealous. I'm lonely!"
"Me too." Patty burst into tears. "First Tsu Tsu, now you! It's not fair. Why does everyone leave me behind?!"
"I'm sorry!" Maka cried.
"No, don't be!" Kid hastened to jump in. "We're sorry. We're being unfair. You deserve to leave, Maka. We can't keep you here."
"I wanted to stay." Maka admitted. "It was a hard choice. I cried a lot. I nearly chose to stay. But in the end, I knew that I had to take the chance. Kid, you told me about that. You weren't sure if I had one. I have one now. I need to take it."
"I know that." Patty wailed. "But it's so hard!"
"Maka and I wish we could stay. But we need to go out there." Tsubaki said gently. "We need to prove to ourselves and to all of you that we can do this. And if we can do this, anyone can do it."
"I don't know about that." BlackStar said glumly.
"I'm sure you can, BlackStar." Maka said encouragingly.
"Maka, we went over this. You have a chance. But many of us don't." Kid said sadly.
"You can't afford to think like that, Kid." Maka told her friend. "You said you didn't know about me. So be that confused about yourself as well. Keep hoping. I did."
"I…maybe." Kid broke off and buried his head in Liz's shoulder. The girl was shaking with tears.
"Are you sure you have to leave?" Liz sobbed as she tried to comfort Kid at the same time. Patty was nearly inconsolable next to her. "You could stay, just a little longer. Just one more month. We need time to say goodbye."
"We're sure." It broke Maka's heart to say that. "It has to be now."
"Everyone leaves sooner or later." Soul blinked his red eyes at her, suddenly joining in on the conversation he'd been otherwise absent in up until that point. "But we all go in different directions. I know that better than anyone."
"Soul…" Maka whispered. "I'm sorry. I wanted to be with you for the whole two months. I didn't want to leave before your time was up. And here I am. Leaving"
"It's alright." Soul's lips tweaked into a small smile that grew as he kept talking. "I've decided this isn't the end. I'm not going to that dumb special hospital after my two months are up. I never should have told myself I belonged there. I don't, and I never will. I'm staying right here and I'm going to continue getting better. I'm going to work harder than I've ever worked before. And then I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to leave this hospital. And I'm going to find you Maka. I'll always find you."
Maka stared at him, shocked into silence just like she'd shocked them all before. Soul stared at her and for a moment, they were the only ones in the room. Everyone else vanished as Maka struggled to process what she'd been told.
And then she smiled back.
"You'll never have to worry about finding me, Soul. Because I'm never going to leave you."
End of probably the second to last chapter. Thanks guys. Seriously, thank you so much. Also, you can read Soul and Maka's relationship as platonic or romantic. I personally write it as platonic but it can easily be romantic. Love you readers so much! Thanks for sticking with me and my story.
