Chapter 8 : A Chewtoy Extraordinaire
Content Warning: there's discussion of suicidal thoughts and ideation in the last section. It's safe to read up to Tsunayoshi thinking back to events with Hoshino earlier this chapter, and you can start again at "I've only learned more about Ryohei recently." Haru still addresses it, but Tsunayoshi doesn't think about it further.
By this stage in things, Tsunayoshi knows better than to assume that the precarious balance things fall into for a week or two is going to last, especially with tensions high as break approaches, bringing with it the a new school year.
If anyone wants to call three different people being obvious in their demands for his attentions while Kyoko and Kusakabe engage in some kind of weird face-off in the background, only exacerbated by the fact that Hoshino Yoshio and Saitoh Itsuki have found time to clash in the meanwhile, 'being in balance.' It's loud, is what it is, Tsunayoshi thinks - though he can't take any of it too seriously when even Hibari doesn't seem to feel particularly bloodthirsty about it.
Mostly he thinks that Hibari is having a lot of fun repeatedly scattering everyone for unapproved crowding. He seems less angry these days.
Weirdly, the fact that there's so much going on actually goes far in allowing Tsunayoshi five minutes to breathe. Hibari is far too busy baring his teeth at Ryohei like a wild animal defending its food to keep up his weird campaign of trying to back Tsunayoshi into a corner; he's still jealous of Tsunayoshi's free time, though, even if he mostly uses it to abuse Tsunayoshi as the committee's gofer, delivering papers containing who knows what to grim faced students across the campus. So long as he's on Committee business, neither Kusakabe nor Hoshino are inclined to hinder his movements, and they keep the rest of the Committee in line. Kyoko and Saitoh find their new opponents far more fitting than Tsunayoshi, and so until the time when club activities cease for the day, Tsunayoshi actually has a fairly good time of it.
Everything is incredibly lively these days. It's not exactly what Tsunayoshi wants, but it's surprisingly pleasant all the same. He feels a lot less in danger of dying for being alone, anyway.
-0-
Maybe he feels a lot less like his hands are wet and sticky - or may become that way through some unfortunate circumstances beyond his control.
Sometimes he still smells iron, though.
("Say, Nayo-tan: living in a world this noisy seems nice," the boy with milk-spill hair says, hands clasped behind his back, his dangerous misty eyes shielded by the falling tangle of his hair. There are so many awful sharp edges for something so gentle. Cat's paws, and cat's nuzzling, though there are long, sharp claws and teeth to catch him with the moment he tries to escape. "Won't you let me live here, too?"
But isn't that the kind of thing a person chooses for themselves, Tsunayoshi wonders; by intentionally softening all those awful parts of them and becoming someone that others won't want to leave? At least, it seems that way to him.
Isn't it true?
The soft smile that shows through lanks of white hair is terrible.)
-0-
That ember in his chest continues to smolder, and the world is so very flammable.
-0-
"Did something good happen to you?" Haru asks suspiciously one day, as they're trailing along behind Hoshino's crew for the afternoon.
"Like what?" Tsunayoshi asks, blinking in bafflement before giving her an askance look.
Haru continues to frown at him in a narrow, suspicious way. "It's like after my mom invited you back," she says flatly.
What part of dealing with Yekaterina was supposed to make Tsunayoshi happy in any way shape or form?! She's a terrifying woman and Tsunayoshi is only more worried about what she'll think to do in the future when it's time for her to attend to her business personally again! At least he knows that she herself will relent from trying to kill him with a pie spatula if he's very honest with her! What if it falls to Hideki-san? Even if he's a university professor, or something like that, Tsunayoshi really hates the way he sounded when talking about the shopping district's financial future.
Tsunayoshi may be a little good at dodging knuckles or tonfa, but how should he protect himself from something like that?!
Ahh - but no, from the way things are looking, Hibari might get annoyed about that, too.
"I don't really get it," Tsunayoshi says to her, but he does it askance still, and therefore clearly spots the way the delinquents under Hoshino's rule exchange a quick look, and - oh. There it is, he realizes suddenly. They're definitely listening in. None of them will meet his eyes but they're acting way too shifty! No, obviously so! Their behavior around Tsunayoshi has changed somewhat recently.
Whether it's Tsunayoshi willingly being the Committee's gofer, Hibari actually defending his turf, or Hoshino thawing a bit thanks to Kyoko's baked goods, which Kusakabe has been sharing with the Committee's officers despite how he treasures them - they haven't given him a dirty look for being around since!
"Ah - well," Tsunayoshi stutters a bit frantically. More than anything, he wants them to keep their mouths shut so he can continue living somewhat in peace, which Haru getting involved will absolutely interfere with! The entire delicate balance that's given Tsunayoshi a break and some peace of mind will definitely be blown to smithereens! "That's to say-!"
"This Shrimp somehow got really popular in a lot of ways on campus a few weeks ago," Hoshino says flatly, without even pausing for them to catch up to him. What kind of ears does he have, anyway?! Like he can hear Tsunayoshi wondering that, Hoshino glances over his shoulder with an uncaring eye, his expression bored but a little pointed. "You wouldn't know since you went back to your clubs at your special school, but Tsuna recently attracted the attention of the Sasagawa siblings… somehow."
The way he looks at Tsunayoshi is the usual way - it's only because of Haru and Hibari and now Ryohei that Tsunayoshi starts to suspect that how people usually look at him is wrong.
Still, in this case, he thinks he'd prefer to remain 'Dame-Tsuna' rather than someone worth causing a fuss about.
"Hahi? The Sasagawa siblings? The Sasagawa - Tsunayoshi-san," Haru says, pressing the tip of her finger into her bottom lip and blinking big brown eyes at him, "who are the Sasagawa siblings? Haru doesn't know them."
Tsunayoshi feels his stomach drop. "Ah - that is - that is… is…. Um."
Hoshino really has stopped leading the way now, standing with his hands jammed into his pants pockets and looking sharp around the corners of his expression, his mouth a thin line.
"Um," Tsunayoshi says again, glancing sideways to avoid everyone's eyes and feeling pretty browbeaten. It's somehow more painful than being normally beaten. "That is- Sasagawa Ryohei is the captain of the Boxing Club," he admits. "He's been trying to get me to join, recently."
The surprise and excitement that Haru greets this information with is a bit troubling. She straightens and clasps her hands together and looks so delighted that Tsunayoshi feels even worse for trying to avoid telling her. "Tsunayoshi-san has been scouted?" she demands with a happy expression.
"You bet," Hoshino says, and now he's patting Tsunayoshi's head with a heavy hand, and it's nothing at all like Iemitsu had, although Tsunayoshi feels about the same about it. With some added resentment, actually, since Hoshino isn't actually congratulating Tsunayoshi on anything at all, even something so awful as killing people simply because they forfeited their lives by putting their hands on his mother.
Hoshino is definitely trying to cause problems in Tsunayoshi's household. Ahh, ahh. What should he do about that?
Just what exactly is Tsunayoshi calling a 'household'?!
"Only, Kyoko-chan seems to have a good grasp on Dame-Tsuna's personality," Hoshino continues, leaning in toward Haru a bit. "So obviously it's to her preference that Dame-Tsuna gets lost."
It's more or less an accurate summation of the situation, so it's not like Tsunayoshi can argue with it, but despite his thoughts earlier on the matter about preferring to be seen as 'Dame-Tsuna,' there's something about the whole thing that sits badly with him. The 'truth of the matter' is fine, it's obvious that it was going to come out sooner or later even though Tsunayoshi had been hoping for 'later,' but this?
Like he senses some of these thoughts, Hoshino's heavy hand twists a bit, snagging clumps of Tsunayoshi's hair. "Now, now," he says, "it's no good to keep secrets from people who care about you, right?"
As if that is why Hoshino is doing this! Tsunayoshi would feel bad about it if that was Hoshino's intent, but it's obviously just him taking revenge for some kind of slight. He grunts a bit as Hoshino's shoves his head down as if he's forcing Tsunayoshi to beg for forgiveness for this. Tsunayoshi honestly doesn't even remember slighting Hoshino, so it has to be-
"Nmm- Hoshino-san," he manages despite his forcibly bent head and compressed lungs, "I hadn't realized that the situation with Saitoh-kun was bothering you that badly. I'm sure if I explained things plainly to him-"
The hand in his hair tightens painfully, because Hoshino is the kind of guy that steps on another kid's face while taking pictures of it and doesn't even feeling anything about it at all. It's a serious kind of 'behavioral issue' to have for someone that Tsunayoshi had figured was probably an okay person, generally speaking.
Hoshino is far from the only one with behavioral issues around here, though, and in the next moment he's forced to step sideways or allow Haru to kick him in the groin. This is normally when Tsunayoshi would be panicking about Haru's lack of self-preservation, but, ahh, he caused the problem to begin with, intentionally even. And despite their leader getting attacked, the other members of the committee hang back, watching.
"Oi, oi. Can't you see I'm looking out for your sake," Hoshino says. There's an odd, flat quality to his voice. His eyes are probably pretty scary, but Tsunayoshi is bent over, and Haru doesn't know what fear even is.
"Haru isn't so stupid she can't tell when someone's just causing trouble," Haru says, so flat and sharp in return that something goes still inside of Tsunayoshi. Ahh. Of course she'd learn that kind of thing from the mother she loves so much. Her foot is still in the air, perfectly still and perfectly coiled to strike out with the full strength of her calf and thigh. It's the kind of thing that Tsunayoshi would hate to be hit with.
That school of hers is certainly terrifying.
"Hmph." Hoshino's hand unclenches, and he doesn't even shove Tsunayoshi when he lets go. "You kids aren't cute in the least. Try to get married and I'll firebomb the shrine."
Isn't that a bit ironic for someone with the name 'Hoshino,' Tsunayoshi wonders; he'd seen how it's spelled, after all.
It isn't until Hoshino has passed by the ring of committee members and they've peeled away to follow that Haru lowers her foot to the ground. She hadn't even wobbled once. Her eyes are oddly hazel as she looks to Tsunayoshi, the lingering frown she'd had about Hoshino only deepening. It abruptly transforms into a pinched pout, Haru crossing her arms across her chest and looking far more upset than angry.
Ah - Haru's troubled face. Tsunayoshi flinches in the face of it, anxiously grasping at the front of his shirt.
"If Tsunayoshi-san is getting bullied-" Haru says.
"It's not that!" Tsunayoshi yelps, interrupting her in an explosive flail. It's not entirely that, but the idea that Haru is still worried about him even though he - not entirely, at first, maybe, intentionally hid the fact that he'd gotten tangled up into something at his school… well, it makes his stomach hurt. "Hoshino-san wasn't entirely wrong in the first place? It's just that Kyoko-chan's way of showing it is to try signing me up for the Disciplinary Committee."
Come to think of it, Tsunayoshi doesn't think anyone can 'sign up' for the Disciplinary Committee, which really raises the question as to where Kyoko got the application forms. Did she make them herself? What a terrifying woman.
"Hahi? Some girl- 'Kyoko-chan'... she's trying to get you into the Disciplinary Committee run by that shaggy beast?"
Tsunayoshi startles, starting at Haru. No, he forgot. The most terrifying woman is standing right there in front of him. There's nothing scarier than a person capable of comprehending how badly they were outclassed and by exactly how much, but was still determined to throw themselves into the fray, anyway.
Kyoko at least has some ability to chose the path of least resistance.
-0-
"It's just like in the movies," Haru exclaims, clearly completely over the moon with events as they're preceding.
"Why is this my life?" Tsunayoshi frets, ignoring the way his arm is being yanked about by the excited girl clinging to it. He should have realized that even more than just Haru finding out, things couldn't possibly continue this way. Whatever initial relief that the Boxing Club had found in their captain reliably being distracted with trying to recruit Tsunayoshi, and that mostly being kept under control by Kyoko and Saitoh, there was no way they were going to put up with their strongest member being permanently sidetracked.
"Lend us Sawada!" a sizable portion of the Boxing Club shouts loudly. At least there are no signs.
The Disciplinary Committee are too well trained to shout back, but the idea of them handing over anything, even someone they don't even want, to someone else is obviously ludicrous in their eyes. A few make rude gestures back. There's a lot of sneering.
The fact that neither Hibari or Kusakabe are in attendance is probably the only reason why it's happening, honestly.
"I specifically didn't want a club fight breaking out over this," Tsunayoshi moans, tuning to hide his face in Haru's shoulder. She adjusts to the position easily, only bouncing a little bit and otherwise shaking a cheerleader's pom-pom with her other hand. He isn't sure where she got it from, and doesn't particularly care.
What appears to be a brewing gang war hadn't started out that way. Haru had skipped her clubs again to show up at the gates as Nami Middle let out, apparently, which wouldn't have done her any good since Tsunayoshi never made it that far these days anyway. Although he's never tried actually hiding from Hibari, given that he'd asked and entrusted himself to Hibari's 'tender' mercies, Tsunayoshi isn't above trying to take absurd routes to avoid Ryohei.
It's not Ryohei's fault, he's also decided. The level of persistence that Ryohei has is far above normal, going way past 'understandable confusion' and into 'complete denial,' but Tsunayoshi is fairly certain that on some level, Ryohei is lonely. It's an odd thought to have about a guy with such loyal kohai and an a doting younger sister, but all Tsunayoshi has to do is remember the way it took almost half of Ryohei's club to hold him back, and the way Saitoh admitted unhappily that none of them could last against him.
If the only one able to present himself as peer to Ryohei is Hibari, who hates to be around others and had his own club to preside over besides, then isn't it natural for Ryohei to be lonely? He's not the kind of person who wants to sit as King of the Mountain.
That doesn't excuse him trying to get Tsunayoshi anywhere near that mountain, though. A peaceful life! If Tsunayoshi sets the first foot on that mountain - if he tries to attack someone for real - then it's going to quickly get to the point where someone will get hurt. Someone will die. It could be Tsunayoshi, because that thing inside him? Once it's provoked, he can't stand down.
He doesn't want to hurt anyone, let alone kill them, but: ahh. If there's no other way to stop them, then that's what he'll do. Again and again and again. Without hesitation, without thought. He won't even cry about it afterwards.
Someone like that isn't the kind of person that Ryohei would want to stand beside, is the point he's making here. It's not Ryohei's fault that he hasn't actually seen Tsunayoshi to understand that truth yet.
Only six people have seen Tsunayoshi, and the only one who is still alive is the one for whom he did it to begin with.
So, even though Tsunayoshi had taken the long way around in an attempt to avoid another round of trying to make excuses to an exuberant boxer, who was hardly so crass as to either attack him outside a ring or press his suit after almost three weeks of rejection - it had somehow ended up like this. Someone had clearly recognized Haru (not entirely a surprise) and directed her to the back courtyard where Tsunayoshi had ended up cornered. Initially by the boxing team, quickly backed up by the Disciplinary Committee, Tsunayoshi is feeling more like a stray cat caught in the middle of two dog packs fighting over who gets to chase him up a tree.
At least he has Haru, he thinks.
At the center of the conflict is Hoshino and Saitoh, predictably; Hoshino is Kusakabe's direct underling, after all, and Saitoh seems to take handling Ryohei just about as seriously as Kyoko does. Though they all attend the same school, the Disciplinary Committee has a rather singular look which contrasts strictly with the appearance of the Boxing Club, and the two temporary leaders embody it themselves.
Hoshino has that worrying flatness to his eyes again which made the odd green of them even more apparent than normal, his face expressionless as if Saitoh were no more interesting than a strange bug where it shouldn't be. He had the awkward height and shoulder width that wasn't uncommon in Namimori, although the genes for it had obviously missed Tsunayoshi by miles, and stood above Saitoh's narrow and more compact build with the threat of being more than capable of withstanding any certified and regulation technique that his opponent might be able to throw at him.
Saitoh, opposite of him, meets his flat, emotionless regard with fire and fury. His teeth bared in less of a snarl and more of a grimace, gritted together, his brow buckled and his nose wrinkled with real, sincere antipathy. He would obviously like nothing better than to beat Hoshino into the ground, if it were possible without tainting his idea of honor. It's completely alien and uncomfortable on the face of someone that Tsunayoshi had become accustomed to thinking of as a pretty good kid.
"The Disciplinary Committee has no right to decree the actions of someone who isn't even a member," Saitoh says, enunciating clearly despite his nearly-frothing fury.
"The Disciplinary Committee presides over all students in that we seek as always to uplift every student to a higher standard of both conduct and social responsibility," Hoshino points out tonelessly. "Do you disagree?"
Even without his empty stare, it's obvious that disagreement would equate death.
"Do you disagree that it would be to Sawada's benefit and enrichment to join the Boxing Club?" Saitoh demands right back. His teeth aren't actually unusually sharp, but he certainly gives the impression of a snarling, snapping wolf.
"In accordance to Club Regulations, sections C, part 4.b, the Boxing Club is already at maximum capacity for a sports club competing at district levels," Hoshino drawls. "Before you can add more members to your ranks, you'll have to move on to national levels."
Saitoh clenches his hands so tight that his knuckles turn white. "By Namimori law, no school teams are allowed to participate outside of district!"
"A pity." His flat green eyes might have been a cat's considering a particularly resilient mouse. "Even if you were to kick someone out, Sawada would still have to complete and turn in an application form."
"As if we'll have to," Saitoh says only.
"Oh," Haru says in an aside. "Sasagawa-kun will be moving schools next year, and probably other club members, too."
"Ah," Tsunayoshi says, a bit surprised. That was right - Ryohei and Hibari in particular, but a few other members of both clubs were all upperclassmen, and after the break, would be moving on to high school. On second thought, won't that leave Kusakabe in a lurch? He only runs the Disciplinary Committee for Hibari's sake, after all. Would that leave Hoshino in charge, then?
Stepping on people's faces aside, Hoshino isn't awful, he supposes. And while he's made his opinion of Tsunayoshi hanging around the Disciplinary Committee clear enough, that won't be a problem with Hibari at another school.
Suddenly, Tsunayoshi's stomach drops out from his ribcage and onto his feet. Wait, how is Tsunayoshi supposed to handle Hibari being at another school?!
He's more or less known he's had this weird attachment to being in Hibari's general vicinity, as frequently as possible as if to make up for the fact that the only time they actually interact is when Hibari tries to bite him to death. That's not going to be possible if they're going to separate schools! What kind of lengths will that force him to go to if he can't respect Hibari's wishes to not be crowded?!
Tsunayoshi doesn't want to become the kind of scum that can't even listen to what other people want!
"How is senpai going to beat discipline into my head if he's at another school?" he demands, looking desperately to Haru.
Although she looks a bit caught off guard at first, she quickly takes to looking at him like something small and dirty. "You really are dense, Tsunayoshi-san," she sighs wearily.
What does struggling to understand his homework have to do with staying in contact with Hibari? Doesn't Haru understand he's in danger of becoming some kind of creepy offender?!
About the time Tsunayoshi really started clutching at his hair in despair, regardless of the grip that Haru had on his arm, is when Hibari and Ryohei find the standoff going on behind their backs.
Predictably, they arrive from different directions. This isn't a day for the Boxing Club, so Ryohei isn't dressed for that, and additionally, he has Kyoko at his side. As for Hibari, having arrived via leaping out the second story window of the school building, he's come looking for Tsunayoshi, who flinches as the cold shadow of Hibari falls upon him, even though Hibari's sharp eyes are narrowed at the spectacle before them.
Crap. He'd gotten distracted by the sudden standoff and then Haru! He'd meant to dodge out and faithfully attend his gofer duties since it kept the worst of the students off his case! Not even the Boxing Club would interfere with Tsunayoshi while he was carrying out DC duties!
"Oi! What's going on here?" Ryohei says. Well, 'says' for Ryohei, which is for a normal person a very loud shout.
Saitoh and the entire Boxing Club look very much like cats that have upended an entire vase of water on themselves. It's obvious that there's no way they were comfortable owning up to the fact that they'd been trying to get the DC to give them Tsunayoshi - as a manager, if nothing else. Even if the idea was just to anchor Ryohei back to the club room, it's an awful idea; Tsunayoshi wouldn't know the first thing about how to be a club manager!
Honestly, Tsunayoshi would have been more worried about the ploy if it hadn't been for the fact that he's pretty sure Kyoko would quickly find a way to fill the position herself before it became a problem.
"You should really keep your club under control," Hoshino says flatly, crossing his arms over his chest. "They've been interfering with another student's school life, and may even be hindering his efforts towards excellence."
What efforts toward excellence! Then again, maybe they were referring to his work on behalf of the Committee recently. It was just too weird that Hoshino of all people was the one protecting Tsunayoshi in this fashion so soon after trying to cause problems in his household. That guy's skill for compartmentalizing is kind of scary.
It's not Hibari's way to approve of others actions, but you could see him casually marking the Committee off his list of people to bite to death as he turned his attention on Ryohei and the Boxing Club. Saitoh swallows hard, but steels himself grimly. His jaw is still too firm for Tsunayoshi to write off as simple grim determination, though. His gut twinges.
"I extremely apologize!"
A ripple of shock and shame goes through the Boxing Club as Ryohei announces this, abruptly folding himself into a complete right angle with the depth of his bow toward Hibari. As much fighting and back and forth and shouting on Ryohei's side as went on during the last few weeks while the two clubs clashed, not once had Tsunayoshi ever sensed even an ounce of ill will from Ryohei.
"My underlings were entirely out of line in their behavior! I will extremely correct it!" he continues.
At his side, Kyoko gives the entire club a Very Disappointed Look, which seems to crush them at least as much as their own beloved captain having to take responsibility for their reckless actions. "Please forgive the club for this transgression, Hibari-san," she adds, clasping her hands together with what is, indeed, a very apologetic look.
The quick capitulation only seems to annoy Saitoh further, looking as if his pride has been injured.
"Oh?" Hibari says, easily spotting Saitoh's seething eyes. Although he hadn't leapt down with his tonfa in hand, it's a quick thing to reach back to where they're holstered to his belt under the cape of his jacket. His calloused fingers are strong and steady and surprisingly light in their touch to the body of the weapons.
Saitoh stills, his chest heaving slightly. Not even Ryohei can stand against Hibari, but he looks tempted somehow. And then his eyes meet Tsunayoshi's, of all things, and after a second Saitoh looks away and bows his prideful head.
Hibari clicks his tongue in disappointment, but as much fun as he has scattering the 'crowding herbivores,' in this case it doesn't seem to appeal. "The Committee has approved no permits to gather during these hours. This assembly is against school regulations."
As if to say 'what assembly' - and in response to the heavy tension of Hibari's battlelust - a great deal of the gathered students immediately scatter. A fair number of them are even Committee members, who have abruptly remembered they were supposed to be on patrol during these hours. It doesn't seem like it was all that long ago that Hibari would have descended upon them in a fury, not waiting to hear their reasons or listen to Ryohei take responsibility.
Speaking of, Ryohei isn't so thickheaded that he doesn't take advantage of the unexpected reprieve; there's nothing he really likes about fighting Hibari, after all. Kyoko is a little slower to follow, a slight frown on her face as she - she's looking at Haru - but her brother has the keen sense of being the eldest and easily catches her and pulls her along.
Next to him, Haru is staring after Kyoko right back, a bit of a complicated expression on her face. Tsunayoshi feels something strange and unsteady and unhappy in his stomach about it.
"You."
Oh no.
The earlier temperance is nowhere to be seen as Hibari turns on Tsunayoshi and Haru, eyes narrowed into razored slits, tonfa fit into his palms like extensions of his limbs, the severe slash of his mouth curved down. The sudden increase of his battlelust feels rather like being at ground zero for some kind of bomb going off.
"Trespassers and the tardy are to be bitten to death."
-0-
"And Haru still didn't get a chance to meet the mysterious Sasagawa siblings!" Haru complains many hours later in Tsunayoshi's bedroom. He's dragged the low table out, as well as the first aid kit, and now they're sitting around it trying to lick their wounds. For a moment when they'd arrived home, Tsunayoshi had thought for sure that he was about to be killed. Nana had forgotten to tell him that the Muiras were over for dinner.
No, that's not just Nana - that's Haru, too, he thinks somewhat crossly. He should have known to be suspicious when she'd appeared to have skipped her club activities. It's not like anything could have possibly have gone differently if he had known, unless he'd been able to drag Haru away immediately upon Hibari's arrival, but-
All the same, arriving battered with a battered Haru and being delivered into Yekaterina's tender mercies had lead to a kind of life-flashing-before-his-eyes event that Tsunayoshi was surprised had never happened before now. Though he reached the other side of that the entire show without revelations or epiphanies, since he'd already been all too aware that he was a pathetic, useless kid who is capable of awful things.
Yekaterina, unimpressed, had banished them until dinner was ready, and Tsunayoshi somehow escaped with his life through strange and unexpected mercies.
"There's nothing really all that mysterious about them," Tsunayoshi says, swabbing at his skinned elbow. "Ryohei-senpai is the excitable and impulsive but basically responsible type who'll protect things with everything he's got. Kyoko's been lending her help to his endeavors recently, despite the fact that she should have her hands full with Mochida Kensuke, as they're - one-sidedly - dating." He pauses, reviewing what he knows of that situation thanks to just attending the same school, and the people involved. Mochida is the loud sort who can't quite help but involved himself in Tsunayoshi's affairs when the opportunity arises, and Kyoko is the idol, so naturally their business is everyone's business.
"Come to think of it," he adds, "Mochida will probably make a nuisance of himself soon." He wilts a bit, groaning pathetically. Of course Mochida would. Just about the time that Ryohei might have been calming down and really understanding the fact that Tsunayoshi doesn't like to fight, something else would come up. "A peaceful life is too much to ask for," he moans into the table top.
Haru hums thoughtfully, tilting her head at him with her brow pinched. "This campaign to get that shaggy beast to recognize you really has grown a lot of heads. Like a hydra!" Dropping the bandages, she mimes… something… with her arms. "Not to worry, though!" She straightens, propping her knuckles on her hips. "Haru is here to fight beside you every step of the way, Tsunayoshi-san!"
Tsunayoshi starts to soften, the way he often does at these kinds of declarations from Haru no matter how strange or alarming he used to find them. He's only human. Even if it doesn't make any sense to him, the idea that someone supports him or at least wants to is the kind of thing that he's going to find touching after he's stopped being confused and frightened by it.
"Although," Haru adds, looking at him unblinkingly, "for people Haru hasn't heard about before now, Tsunayoshi-san sure knows a lot about them."
"Ah!" The clamp he'd been holding the cottonball with slips out of his grasp. "W-well! They- they've been involving themselves, so-"
In the end, the reason why he's been hiding all of this from Haru is this: Haru has declared herself his girlfriend, and even though he's told her that she's not, Tsunayoshi used to watch Kyoko. Although that was a different him: a person to whom something bad was happening, who came to school solely to set his eyes on Kyoko's shining light, who was envious and wistful about it. And that person doesn't really exist anymore, but he's not quite sure that Haru will believe it. She never met the Tsunayoshi that was before That incident, so he doesn't think she'll understand that Tsunayoshi has no interest in involving Kyoko in their affairs anymore.
But he also remembers Hoshino using his secrets against him and having to say weird things about events he barely had a grasp on the fringes of in self-defense. He would have rather kept his mouth shut about the situation with Saitoh until he'd come to understand what it was about Hoshino and Hibari that made the normally easy-going boxer turn into a cornered animal.
"W-well," he says again, twisting his fingers together in his lap and avoiding Haru's gaze. "S-some time ago, when I'd first entered middle school, I-" He hesitates, and stumbles over it, flustered and uncertain. "Back then, I had no idea about doing things for myself, you know," he excuses. "Of course someone like that would do something like fall for the Idol of the school. Of course they would. Everyone had."
Haru is silent and still on her knees in front of him, and he can't bring himself to look.
"I wasn't even doing school work," he admits anxiously. "I thought - it was something like 'living is the same as being dead,' more or less. Or no, being dead was probably better, because the dead don't really suffer. It can't be as exhausting as being alive, right? It can't be as disappointing to others. If you're dead, no one really expects anything from you and so no one can be disappointed. Except that I hadn't quite gotten the power to do something about that.
"So, I - I guess what I'm saying is, the only reason I even left my room every morning back then, the only reason I woke up and even tried going to school, was for the purpose of seeing Kyoko-chan smile. It's the kind of thing that made even someone like I used to be feel a little bit better about everything. Like being alive wasn't so hard."
(Or at least: that's how he'd explained it to himself. But it hadn't been anything that kind or gentle at all, had it?
What had he been thinking, standing in the shadows and staring after Kyoko's back, and the warmth that seemed to radiate off of her? He'd wanted to warm his fingers up on it. He'd wanted it for himself.
'Fall for the idol.' It would have been natural, wouldn't it have? Anyone would accept that explanation, but-)
The person that used to do those things wouldn't have been able to think back on those actions like this, he thinks. Back then, he'd been the kind of scum that relaxed the most by lying even to himself. Especially to himself.
How could he have ever expected anyone to accept him when he couldn't accept himself?
Ahh, but. Tsunayoshi knows now. Even if i's stressful to know, he does, and now there are people around him, aren't there? He's the kind of scum that plays at being useless and then eventually at some point uses his own two hands to relieve others of the burden of living disappointing lives as scum-not-even-worthy-of-being-stepped-on.
Being dead is still probably easier, and still the best way to avoid disappointing anyone or becoming stressed about things, and he still doesn't have the strength to do anything about that - but it feels less awful these days. It's easier to ignore what a bad kid he is. He hasn't surrendered his right to live as a human being like those men who had put their hands on his mother.
If he hasn't yet forfeited his life, then he might as well do something with it, he supposes.
"I've only learned more about Ryohei recently," he adds, a much easier topic to speak about. "But that's-"
"You've never once disappointed me," Haru says loudly, snatching his hands out of his lap to hold them between her own. Her gymnastics clubs have really given her a strong grip. She's come up onto her knees and partially around the corner of the table, staring down at him with an urgent, fiery determination.
Well - that would be nice if it were true, he thinks, but he only says, "H-Haru?"
"Never once would Haru's life have been improved if Tsunayoshi-san weren't alive," she continues fiercely. Forget 'hazel' - there's an odd green light to the eyes he's always reflected on as being the color of old bloodstains. "Who would have been Haru's Prince? Who would have come over to Haru's house for dinner? You can't leave Mama in this house all alone!"
It's a bit overwhelming to be met with such ferocity after bringing himself to talk about those old - and not so old - thoughts he used to have. "Don't worry, Haru," he says, and sounds strangely gentle to his own ears. "I'm not planning on going anywhere."
Her anxiety doesn't lessen as easily as that. The heart that she has hidden, even from him, is strong and passionate. He hadn't thought it through while making his excuses; he doesn't think she'll let something like this go for a long time.
She'll probably die if left alone, too, he thinks suddenly. Ahh. What a bad trait to share with someone - even though it works out well for him, doesn't it?
Anyway, he's never been strong enough to do anything about it. He's so weak he'll sooner kill someone else before dying himself. Haru doesn't have anything to worry about at all.
"Besides," he adds, "even if I still liked her, Kyoko-chan definitely hates me, so it wouldn't matter."
Haru huffs. "Kyoko-chan was the girl with the loud boy, right?" she asks, pulling back her hands to tap her finger against her jaw. When he nods, she snorts and gives her head a shake. "Tsunayoshi-san doesn't know the first thing about girls. I bet Kyoko-chan is the kind of girl who only hates people who hurt her friends or her family." She straightens slightly, blinking widely at a middle distance. "Actually, Kyoko-chan is a bit like Tsunayoshi-san, isn't she? What would Tsunayoshi-san be thinking right now if he were Kyoko-chan?"
Tsunayoshi looks at her askance, because in what way exactly were the two of them anything at all alike? Kyoko has certainly never thought the things that Tsunayoshi thinks, nor done the things he's done. But if he thinks of it in the context of someone who simply doesn't hate others the way he's seen kids at school take an abhorrence to each other - to draw the line at becoming an actual threat to family and friends-
"There's no way I'm a threat to Kyoko-chan," he says, frowning at Haru.
Haru looks deeply unimpressed. "Who here is probably the expert on how girls think, Tsunayoshi-san?"
That just sounds like she's saying that Tsunayoshi thinks like a girl. Does he give that kind of impression? How is he supposed to feel about something like that?
"A threat to her brother then - but I don't even want to fight Ryohei-senpai!" he protests unhappily. Actually, what Haru is implying here seems to be making a lot of sense to him, despite the way part of him tries to refuse to accept parts of it. Just what about Tsunayoshi in particular is so threatening?! He can't be sorry about the kind of person he is when it was necessary at the time; as much as he hates it, as much as he didn't want to, it had to be done. Would she have preferred for Tsunayoshi to stand by and let Nana get hurt?
Although he surmises that the answer would be 'of course not,' he really can't see himself approaching Kyoko and putting it that way, either. It's only natural that if she can tell that Tsunayoshi is capable of that much that she wouldn't want her overly enthusiastic brother fighting him and accidentally pushing him to that point. That's something the both of them can agree on.
"What should I do then?" he asks Haru, since his opinion about Ryohei has to be obvious to her at least.
"Hmm. The best answer here is probably to be patient, I think," she says with a thoughtful frown. "Tsunayoshi-san doesn't warm up easily! It took forever before you liked Haru-chan. Kyoko-chan is probably like that, too. There's no reason for the two of you to be enemies!"
That apparently settles the matter for Haru, but Tsunayoshi isn't so sure. As much as he wants to argue about being 'slow to warm up' to people, she might have a point after all. Being told to leave things alone and let them progress at their natural pace isn't exactly what he expects or wants to hear, but it doesn't seem like bad advice, either.
Besides, more importantly: he has to survive dinner with Haru's parents tonight after bringing their daughter back all covered with dirt and bruises. That's the more troubling thing by far.
-0-
NOTES:
Kyoya may not have beat discipline into Tsunayoshi's thick skull, but he's gone a long way into desensitizing Tsunayoshi to violence. Where before Tsunayoshi would respond to any violence at all by trying to kill a dude, he's gotten a lot more familiar with what type of violence is justifiably answered with murder.
"Isn't knowing when to actually straight up murder a dude 'discipline,'" Kyoya would wonder if he were inclined to doubt himself on things like this. No, Kyoya, that's just learning your measure and how to gauge the intent and strength of others. "Not killing everyone for being annoying is too 'discipline,'" he would say, if he were inclined toward childishly arguing that way, and not just thwacking people unconscious as to not have to deal with them at all.
Kyoya is an adorably straightforward child. It's a wonder he can tolerate such a twisted kid like Tsuna lmao.
