Chapter 18 : hushabye baby
After everything that's happened, it's starting to feel strange for Tsunayoshi to stand alone with no one at his side. He's gotten used to the idea that his friends have their own lives that they have to attend, even if he doesn't really have something like that himself, but to have nothing but a phone to connect them to him? He looks absently down at the phone clutched in his hand, his knuckles a bit white. That desperation feels oddly separate from himself, although he obviously feels it somehow.
Maybe it's for the best, though. Tsunayoshi hasn't been sleeping well at night recently, kept up by his troubled thoughts and sometimes drinking hot things with Nana when she comes to check on him and finds him still awake. What should he do? He can't let others carry the heavy weight of succeeding when it was his promises that put them in motion.
If he has to do something unforgivable, though, it's best that he does it with his own two hands and doesn't force anyone to stand by and watch.
So, as much as Tsunayoshi feels odd and unhappy with being left alone, he's done this to himself. Long ago he'd realized how this would come to play out: that Takeshi would be busy with his baseball friends. It's not good if Tsunayoshi takes that away from him. Away from them. That's just making enemies he doesn't need. And yet Takeshi himself had been somewhat anxious to leave Tsunayoshi by himself, and had only been set to rest by Tsunayoshi's smile and the reminder that Mochida is still catering to him, regardless of the fact that the sling has come off.
As much as Tsunayoshi would have liked to spend some time free of work, schooling, studying, and their household problems with Takeshi, Takeshi needs to spend time with his friends, and Tsunayoshi didn't arrange for this field trip to happen so that he could have fun. The crowds of yelling kids happily surging around him, organizing themselves according to class and into buses, excited to set off on their field trip into the mountains also comes at an odd distance, like Tsunayoshi is a little offset from this reality.
(Ah, no, he doesn't want to see this again-)
Anyway, Tsunayoshi doesn't want anyone to die. Not having Takeshi around if Di Tella tries is probably the best way to assure that. Er - well. Mostly. He's not entirely confident in his ability to survive Di Tella, but since he's not planning to hurt Nerina, surely it won't come to that. It's just, if Takeshi gets involved, then he'll either get threatened and- or otherwise, Takeshi won't stand for Tsunayoshi being threatened, and then it'll come to 'even if it kills him' for Tsunayoshi, and that's-
Well, he's probably just being a little dramatic about having to go alone with his schoolmates along, he thinks, falling in with the streams of students lining up to leave their bags in the side compartments of the bus that will take them up into the mountains. After all, just last school year, Haru had left his side for some time. Besides, he was able to exchange emails with her and Shoichi both this morning, although he has it on good authority that the cellular reception in the mountains leave something to be desired.
"If it's just a few days," he mutters to himself, "I can do that much." No, more like he has to do that much. Yeah, mostly likely he's just having a tantrum for being spoiled at having someone by his side constantly. Thank goodness everyone seems too distracted to pay much attention to him, so-
Ah. Something ominous is approaching.
Tsunayoshi feels a little resigned as he turns and watches the happy third years part like the red sea - those who were too unaware or otherwise not paying attention being carelessly kicked out of the way. They seem annoyed up until they turn and see that it's the Committee parting the crowds, and even more that that: Kyoya in fine form like the days before.
Delinquents from Yumei weren't the only ones who had taken notice of the lack of Kyoya hanging around. Especially the fact that he no longer chases Tsunayoshi through the crowded school halls and out classroom windows. There had been a lot of rumors and whispering going around the school that Tsunayoshi had been forced to overlook because it wasn't untrue, but also because he himself had been too busy dealing with his own problems.
A fading sickness, perhaps?
His appearance now should put any of those rumors to rest. As Tsunayoshi had noticed the other day, Kyoya's had to get his uniform refitted: he stands taller than the committee members that crowd around him, a wall between Kyoya and the plebeians. Normally such a thing would be to protect the princely person they were escorting, but that's a fallacy in this case: if anything, they're protecting those kids from Kyoya.
Normally Tsunayoshi would turn and run along with everyone else the moment Kyoya's eyes connect with his. There's no particular look in Kyoya's face, other than the way his sharp, slanted eyes are narrowed more than usual, the way they glitter even from this distance. He's definitely some kind of apex predator that's been provoked; if Tsunayoshi didn't know better, then he'd think it was by something even Kyoya couldn't take on face-to-face.
Well, something other than whatever gave him those sore teeth he's been nursing, anyway.
But seeing Kyoya out and acknowledging him after so long holds Tsunayoshi in place. Well, also because there's something hanging from Kyoya's fist. It's a bit recognizable, but Tsunayoshi's brain refuses to accept what his eyes are seeing. That's the excuse that Tsunayoshi will use for why he stands there gawking like an idiot while Kyoya bares down on him.
"Here," Kyoya says flatly, in that Kyoya manner of his with which a low and evenly spoken word can sound like the wrath of a thousand demons. He doesn't so much thrust the kid dangling from his hand at Tsunayoshi's chest so much as he hands him off with the expectation that Tsunayoshi will naturally catch the boy without hesitation.
Which. Tsunayoshi does, after all, yelping and staggering a bit under the unexpected weight of a four year old. The child is strangely passive about all of this, accepting both the hand off by one fist from Kyoya and Tsunayoshi's awkward fumbling without a scowl or complaint. "Senpai?" Tsunayoshi demands, a bit shrilly.
Kyoya looks deeply unimpressed, already turning away. "Look after that thing for me," he says without even slowing down or waiting for a reply.
Just because Tsunayoshi crossdressed the once doesn't mean he wants to babysit children!
"'That thing!'" Tsunayoshi echoes incredulously, and then startles a bit because he's just reaffirmed some pretty unkind words. But when he looks down at the boy clutched awkwardly under his armpits, a face much like Kyoya's looks back at him… though with none of that quality of an animal decided whether someone was worthy of eating or not. The physical resemblance is incredibly strong, although if Tsunayoshi isn't mistaken, this child is not Japanese at all, but Chinese.
Ah. There aren't any Chinese in Namimori, but Tsunayoshi suddenly realizes that Kyoya himself is of mixed blood.
But then, who is this child to him? As a Hibari, Kyoya must be related on his father's side, which means that he and this child must be related on Kyoya's mother's side. "Um," he says to the young boy watching him - ah. Though, no. Tsunayoshi might not have been around a lot of small children, but this one is - Tsunayoshi knows suddenly that if at all possible, he doesn't want to fight this child.
Pushing past that weird thought, Tsunayoshi says, "Are you senpai's younger brother?"
The child blinks large dark eyes up at Tsunayoshi from where he hangs placidly from Tsunayoshi's hands. He's intensely cherubic, pudgy cheeks and surprisingly long sooty lashes - a feeling that increases as he smiles. "It's nice to meet you," he says. "I'm Kyoya's grandfather, Fon."
"I-... it's 'Tsunayoshi.' Ah-" His accent is so nonexistent that there seems to be a vanishingly small chance that Fon somehow thinks 'grandfather' means cousin or nephew. Tsunayoshi stutters over it anyway, faintly wondering, "g-grandfather, as in…?"
But Fon hardly seems inclined to answer his question, content to dangle from Tsunayoshi's hold and peer up at him curiously. He feels oddly like the boy is staring right straight through him, but - ah. It's not bad? Tsunayoshi can't say that Kyoya would never hand him something dangerous, since he just did, but rather that so long as certain conditions aren't met, he's not actually in danger.
It's so much the feeling that Tsunayoshi is accustomed to feel from Kyoya himself that it's a bit disorienting.
Eventually Fon hums, and his curious expression turns pleasant. The heart in Tsunayoshi's chests gives an unexpected thump - hey. Come to think of it, it's hard to notice with that awful aura that hangs around him, but isn't Kyoya actually pretty handsome? It's just not until Tsunayoshi has gotten a chance to see someone who shares a lot of facial features give him a warm look that he's noticed.
Kyoya has just been so skillful at being dangerous and becoming a demon that it seems that Haru is the only one who has ever noticed before now.
Before Tsunayoshi can make heads or tails of this strange revelation, he gets elbowed by impatient people who want to board the bus now that the danger of Hibari Kyoya has passed. "Move it, Dame-Tsuna," the guy says, a bit annoyed but not really all that meanly.
"Ah-" He manages to hesitate for a moment longer, because surely Kyoya's… nephew? Kyoya's family member shouldn't be brought along on a school field trip, but leaving a kid standing around is - and it's not like Tsunayoshi can stay behind. There are things he has to do. Reluctantly, he pulls Fon a little closer and boards the bus with the child still hanging from his grip.
"Well," he adds as he picks a seat a bit separate from where other cliques were starting to form. "I guess you're stuck with me for the time being, so please bare with it. Although I don't know what Kyoya-senpai meant by bringing you along - ah, not that it's bad! But it's kind of a school function."
But Fon doesn't seem to mind the implication that he shouldn't be here. Even though Tsunayoshi hasn't exactly been around a lot of small children, he thinks that they're usually sensitive to rejection, but Fon just smiles at him from the seat next to him. "It's been a long time since I did something like ride on a bus or go camping," he says.
Come to think of it, besides calling himself Kyoya's grandfather, he has an unexpectedly old way of speaking, too. It's almost enough to decide that Fon is just a kid playing at being a grandparent, the way some kids pretend to be samurai or sentai warriors.
"I'm pretty much a homebody, so this is new for me, too," Tsunayoshi says with a smile, relieved that Fon is pretty easygoing. Even though he can't imagine that Kyoya would really care if Tsunayoshi was delicate with a child so carelessly passed off, upsetting Kyoya's family member would likely cause undue irritation. "It's only recently that I've started leaving the neighborhood around my house. Though, I don't know that a school field trip really counts. It's only going up into the mountains."
"... the forests are full of frightening things, sometimes," Fon says, even as he twists to press his face to the window.
The smile kind of freezes on Tsunayoshi's face before he lets out an uneasy chuckle, brow pinched. It would be one thing to try to reassure Fon, but - the kid really doesn't seem scared or worried about it at all. Ahh. What kind of terrible things has that kid seen that stories of monsters in the woods don't impact him at all?
Tsunayoshi grew up on those stories, too. Of wolves and worst things in the woods outside Namimori. It wasn't until he'd done something irreversible that they'd stopped being scary.
-0-
Even if it's just a short trip from the school grounds to the hotel cabins in the mountains, it's still long enough that Tsunayoshi's young seatmate falls asleep. At first he collapses against the window, and then Tsunayoshi winces over his head bouncing off it every time the bus hits a pothole; Fon looks particularly cherubic asleep, and so Tsunayoshi carefully tilts him the other way.
Somehow, it ends up with Fon using Tsunayoshi's lap as his sleeping place, which had left Tsunayoshi paralyzed with fear and indecision for most of the ride. Just about the time that Tsunayoshi decides that having a four year old sleeping on him isn't nearly as terrifying as he'd somehow made it out to be, they arrive at the outpost.
It's not all that unsurprising. It's only a twenty minute ride all together - more than long enough that they'd needed the buses, but short enough that no one becomes overly restless about it. Fon wakes up easily enough to a shake of his shoulder, but seems generally useless in the aftermath of his nap, yawning and knuckling his heavy, sleep glazed eyes.
Tsunayoshi ends up waiting until the rowdier kids are off and then takes For by the hand. Exiting the bus is when he runs into his first problem though. It isn't as if they can allow the third years to run about unsupervised, regardless of the presence of the Disciplinary Committee; of course, most of the third year teachers had been freed up thanks to the field trip.
So it's perhaps unsurprising that the moment that Tsunayoshi steps off the bus with little Fon in tow, a teacher spots him.
"Sawada," she says, unimpressed, "this isn't the kind of thing to bring your little brother to!"
What part of Fon and Tsunayoshi look alike enough to be brothers! That aside, he actually agrees with her, but it's not like he had a choice!
"Ah, it won't be a problem, I'll look after him myself," he says. "Fon-kun is well behaved, so…"
"As if I could let it go at that," she huffs. "Think about someone but yourself for once! Bringing a child along to a school trip without even trying to get permission! It'll be a bother for everyone else. Hand him over while I call his parent-"
Fon's small hand grips around Tsunayoshi's, and some kind of switch flicks in his head and in his heart. Normally, he'd go along with something like that, and be relieved. He has no experience himself looking after younger children and he doesn't really want to. Surely something like that should be left up to the adults? Nothing good is meant to come of this field trip, but, ahh…
In the first place, this is Kyoya's family member whom Tsunayoshi was entrusted with for whatever reason. He's already suspicious toward the Hibari clan. And although Tsunayoshi feels that Fon falling asleep on him has more to do with Fon than anything like trusting Tsunayoshi to look after him… Fon has made his wishes known.
And if people wish to be at Tsunayoshi's side, then he makes it possible.
There is no fire or char or ash, no embers or bitterness or sulfur. There is no clarity or strange slowness or paths of destruction that end in blood. Tsunayoshi simply looks her in the eye, and says firmly, "I already said that it won't be a problem. It's an internal matter between this child's family and mine." The teacher blinks at him, and belatedly, Tsunayoshi remembers to reassure her with a smile.
For a long, bothersome moment, it doesn't seem to impact her at all, except that she doesn't keep speaking after he interrupted her. Then, gradually, a strange look crosses her face and her confidence wavers. "A-alright," she says, like she isn't sure why she's agreeing, "but I'm keeping my eye on you."
There's no way he can be bothered with some adult keeping an eye on him, but if that's how it has to be, then he won't complain for the time being. Relieved, Tsunayoshi dips into a shallow bow. "Thank you very much for understanding," he says.
"Yeah - well, don't make me regret this," she huffs, crossing her arms across her chest and turning her attention back to the other kids coming off the bus. She resumes the head counting, as if someone could have gotten lost between the headcount they took before leaving the school and now. Well, they're probably sending the buses back to town, so making sure everyone gets off is important, too.
Tsunayoshi glances down at Fon, who is still clinging to his hand but now looking much more awake than he did earlier. Still, the child doesn't seem very perturbed about their run-in with the teacher, solemnly watching the other teens laughing as they collect in their cliques and start toward the outpost office to sign in. Fon glances up as if he senses Tsunayoshi's attention and he's clear eyed and untroubled; he smiles, as if to reassure Tsunayoshi. It's a little strange to be on the other end of that.
"Well," Tsunayoshi says a bit dryly, glancing around, "I don't see Kyoya-senpai at the moment, but he's around somewhere." That much he knows without having to see evidence of it; there's a difference in how the third years behave when they know that Kyoya's around. It's not really a 'nervous' energy even as they get along with one another so much as it is a slightly tense and watchful one. "If you're coming with us to the cabins, then it's something like a ten minute walk from the check-in office to there."
It's only when Tsunayoshi goes to pick up the weekend bag that Nana had packed that he encounters the second problem.
"Um, Fon," he says, as Fon doesn't seem to be the sort of kid that he'd used '-chan' with, no matter how young he was, "did Kyoya happen to bring a bag for you as well?"
The look that Fon turns up at him is strangely knowing. "There's no need for him to," he says. "It's not Kyoya's place to look after me, after all."
Tsunayoshi really doesn't particularly care for the picture that's forming in his head regarding the Hibari clan's inner workings. He hums in reply, uneasy, because while he'd already decided for himself that Kyoya's parents weren't looking after him even as far as Nana looked after Tsunayoshi himself… "Kyoya's self sufficient, too," he mutters, "but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be looked after himself." Glancing down, he says, "It's the same for Fon, too, you know. Having someone to back you up is…"
Well, it's kind of a strange conversation to have with a kid. Instead of 'back up,' it really should be 'taking responsibility for' and 'looking after.' Sure, Tsunayoshi has the opinion that no matter how strong someone is, or how capable, they should have a place where they don't have to worry about that kind of thing, but for a child? They shouldn't be worrying about who that person is who is responsible for them.
And as little as Fon seems to need anyone to look after him, he still hasn't let go of Tsunayoshi's fingers.
Still this is a weekend trip out in the woods, and it'll cause problems if Fon doesn't have a change of clothing or a toothbrush. Come to think of it, his hair is a bit long and tied back into a braid, so a hairbrush will be necessary as well. Although Tsunayoshi had packed a comb for himself… in either case, handing Fon back in less than pristine condition after being entrusted with him sits poorly with Tsunayoshi.
Well, the threat of being bitten to death has something to do with it, too.
It turns out not to be such a large problem, since the check-in desk also has things like toothbrushes for sale. They don't have other amenities, like night clothes for a child Fon's size as they're cabins in the woods and not a hotel with a public bath. Apparently there is a separate 'bath house' but it's just showers with no actual bath to be found. It was the best way to provide so many people with a chance to be clean, apparently.
Although coming here is Tsunayoshi's own fault, he despairs a bit. Public bathing of any kind fails to appeal to a kid like him.
"Apparently you're assigned to Cabin C-2," the slightly harried girl at the check-in counter informs him as he applies his name to the form. She gives him a tense smile as she hands over something that looks like a pamphlet, and then takes notice of Fon. "Um, since it seems you're the responsible one out of that cabin, please take responsibility for your cabin mates."
"What?" Tsunayoshi squeaks in shock, and then takes another look at the sign-in forms. Compared to the others, it really does appear that someone has arranged it for him to be the one who represents C-2! His cabinmates don't seem to be anyone he really recognizes, so they can't be kids who really bothered him much, but all the same-!
Her smile is slightly sympathetic, but unwavering as she hands over a few things from the gift shop. "Here, complimentary for your small guest."
He fumbles the lot and then blinks in bewilderment at the coloring books and activity kits, and then the impatient students behind him elbow him out of the way. Somehow Tsunayoshi doesn't have the feeling that Fon will be entertained by coloring books or children's activity kits at all. He's already too calm of a child, too confident. Weirdly mature, and no one Tsunayoshi wants to fight. But even so, how is Tsunayoshi supposed to look after Kyoya's family member, look for opportunities for 'something to happen,' and also wrangle his cabinmates?!
-0-
Luckily, Tsunayoshi's impressions of his cabinmates was accurate. They're faces he sort of recognizes, meaning that he's seen them around campus, and while the boys don't seem impressed with having Tsunayoshi as their head, they don't really confront him about it, either. More or less, they seem pretty convinced that Fon will take up all of his time, and aside from complaining about being assigned to 'Dame-Tsuna' and not having agreed to sharing a small space with a kid, they more or less subsided and decided to enjoy their trip without causing problems.
Well, part of that is likely that they think Tsunayoshi will sic the Disciplinary Committee on them. He wouldn't. He hasn't once asked the Committee to come to his aid, but they don't know that. Actually, it's better that they don't know that, but it bothers Tsunayoshi a little to rely on his reputation. Rather than being afraid of whom Tsunayoshi might call on, if they could all get along honestly from the start…
"I guess Kyoya means for you to stay with me," Tsunayoshi muses as he looks at the beds. They're all western style, just like the ones at his house, but they're kept in a collective dorm room inside the cabin, fit for allowing the five of them to coexist more or less comfortably. Thankfully, there is a small kitchenette type area inside the cabin, although Tsunayoshi is pretty sure that they're meant to join up communally to have their meals. Still, the presence of running water inside the cabin is welcome.
There's only one bed left, in the darkest corner of the room, as the others have been claimed by the overnight bags the other boys have left before leaving to poke around and meet up with their friends again. Tsunayoshi drops his bag on it and looks down at Fon, who is no longer clinging to his hand but standing just as close as if he were.
Although Tsunayoshi has been an only child his entire life, and had lost his friends shortly after his fifth birthday, he bites his lip and looks down. "I guess that means Fon will have to share the bed with me."
Fon gazes up at him for a moment and then smiles, soft and grateful. "I don't think that would be appropriate, as we are not blood relatives, Sawada Tsunayoshi-kun. Although my body and my heart are that of a child, this one is a grandfather, after all." He clasps his hands together, one a fist and the other wrapped over it, and adds, "I will leave you to your rest."
After that intensely formal declaration, the boy turns his back and clearly means to leave the cabin entirely. Is he trying to get Tsunayoshi killed?!
"Ah-! Wait a moment!" Tsunayoshi yelps. "Even if I heard you out, I can't really agree to that! I was the one entrusted with your care, after all!"
Fon pauses, glancing over his shoulder. "Perhaps you misunderstood to whom those words were being spoken," he suggests, a humorous quirk to that smile.
Well, that's-
"Th-that aside, then the best place to look after me would be at my side, wouldn't it?" Tsunayoshi asks quickly. Although he doesn't want to fight Fon, he can't imagine a four-year-old being effective in a battle to the death or anything, and if it's not to the death then Tsunayoshi would always find a way to come out on top for the sake of the people depending on him in the first place, Kyoya should understand him at least that well.
"Is that really how you feel about it, even after hearing that I'm a grown man?" Fon asks curiously, blinking.
He looks too cherubic, but - weirdly, Tsunayoshi's gut instinct hasn't really said a lot about it. It's a bit like Kyoya himself - it's a dangerous situation, but it's not exactly a danger that Tsunayoshi needs to take seriously. Feeling strangely harassed, Tsunayoshi says, "The fact that you're worried about it at all - or no, that you confessed like that, that means you're honorable, right? So there's nothing to worry about after all."
For a long moment, the child simply gazes at him with dark, secretive eyes that seem to see right through him. Regardless of what he says, there's no way that Tsunayoshi can see him as a grandfather, but - as someone who has seen a lot of terrible things? Who has gone through awful experiences? The same way he came to realize the kind of person that Takeshi is, and Haru is, and Kyoya… no. The same way that Tsunayoshi acknowledged himself as scum, but not the worst kind of scum: he recognizes that Fon is the same way, too.
What kind of awful things has a child of four years seen that he feels like someone with more life experience than anyone else that Tsunayoshi has ever met?
"In either case," Tsunayoshi adds gently, with a reassuring smile, "won't Kyoya rest easier if we're together the way he put us?"
After a moment longer, Fon heaves a surprisingly heavy sigh for a child. "You're right, of course," he allows with a pinched brow. "That child is certainly more anxious than he lets on. I'm grateful that you've noticed."
That's not a word that Tsunayoshi would have ever used to describe Kyoya on his own; but Kyoya certainly does expect things to remain in a certain order. He's just relieved that he's managed to convince Fon to stay without having to do something dangerous like trying to restrain him. In the first place, restraining someone that young and cute would make him feel like the worst kind of scum! On the other hand, he's really not all that confident in actually trying to restrain Fon. As much as his eyes tell him that Fon is just a cute four year old, his gut instinct is that something else entirely is going on here.
Luckily for everyone, even though it was far too early to sleep, one of the Disciplinary Committee kids came by with an overnight bag for Fon. Even though Tsunayoshi's just relieved and not annoyed by it's late arrival at all, he bows a lot and apologizes and seems uncomfortable with Tsunayoshi trying to say that it's fine. Hopefully Kyoya won't be rough on him when he returns.
He brushes away the uncharitable thought that if Kusakabe were still around, the pack would have found its way into Tsunayoshi's hands almost immediately. It can't be helped if Kusakabe is working hard on his own in order to make Kyoya's life easier in his own way. Tsunayoshi should figure out some way to do something nice for him, too. Kyoya isn't an easy person to look after.
Tsunayoshi does think about the things that Fon has said, though, later that night after Fon is already curled up under the blankets and having stolen the single pillow and his cabin mates themselves have been tucked in for the night. Everyone is asleep aside from Tsunayoshi, who stares into the moon-stained darkness and wonders at the idea of someone with a hateful burden of experiences fit into the body of a child, so that when they say they are an adult, he can't find it within himself to argue with that.
-0-
After their words with one another last night, Fon seems to have decided to give Tsunayoshi a break, and so he's a biddable child the next morning; he follows Tsunayoshi around peacefully, and they have breakfast with the other students without complaint, and he even finds the packet of activities that the girl at the check-in desk had given Tsunayoshi, and has taken up with a coloring book.
"It's not that you can't," Tsunayoshi says, bemused while watching him color, "but is it fun for a grown man?"
"One meditation technique is much like another," Fon says with a pleasant smile. It's still a strange thing to see on a face so much like Kyoya's. "But my heart is also that of a child like this, so it's simple enough to be pleased with such things. Being this age can sometimes come as a relief."
To go with his old man way of speaking, Fon also has a pretty amazing vocabulary, doesn't he. In either case, his amazing composure makes Tsunayoshi feel bad. A kid that young being haunted by those kinds of memories and experiences should be acting like the worst kind of brat. Tsunayoshi himself has behaved embarrassingly from time to time because of his own experiences, although for the most part he's managed to keep his head down, and he knows already that his life hasn't been nearly as bad.
"I-... is coloring really that good for calming down?" Tsunayoshi wonders, giving the other books a lingering look. Then- "Ah, no! I don't have time for that!" He can't just get caught up in Fon's pace, as pleasant as it is! This field trip is all his fault in the first place, so he should be trying to figure out a way of either ruining it for everyone or convincing Nerina to drop out of the election!
Fon peers up at him. "Getting desperate or in a hurry is a good way to make irreparable mistakes, Sawada Tsunayoshi-kun. Take a deep breath and consider your options calmly."
"I've been considering my options," Tsunayoshi says dryly; he's being coached by a kid! But although it's strange, he's a bit grateful that Fon has thought to try to help him. "It feels like I've done nothing but think things over and over and over again for weeks now."
"But have you done so calmly, or have you been feeling the pressure of making a decision this entire time?" he asks, blinking at him before returning his attention to the coloring book. "Even if there has been nothing immediately pressuring you into a decision, the pressure that one exerts on oneself, through fear, through desperation, or through anger… it's just as likely to lead to a wrong choice."
"Ah."
Is Fon really a kid? He gives advice just like a knowledgeable adult, Tsunayoshi thinks, staring at him. He's received advice or admonishment from a variety of sources, but Fon doesn't sound anything at all like a child or a peer, even. He sounds more like Naoko, or Shioya, or Hideki up until that last man threatened to become a tyrant against Tsunayoshi. Is it true? Has Tsunayoshi up until this point been driving himself forward with nothing more than desperation and fear? From someone like Fon, that advice might have more merit than he'd normally credit it with.
Yeah, that might be true. Someone like Tsunayoshi can only do what he can in a cowardly way, frightened of everything and of losing things the most. Fear of his mother being hurt or killed, fear for himself, fear of himself, fear of getting close to others and of losing them at the same time. Fear of the people around him, fear for the people next to him, fear of the world outside Namimori and fear of being trapped inside these city limits.
Then what should Tsunayoshi do?
Although what Tsunayoshi has to do hasn't changed, there's a slight sense of relief at taking a second look at his choices. Regardless of being prepared to become capable of anything for the sake of his household - and getting Kyoko elected will avail him of the resources necessary to lighten the burden on Kyoya and strengthen his position - he still honestly doesn't want to do anything bad to Nerina. She's not a good person, but she's not a bad person either. If he has to… well, he won't have a choice. He can't let others suffer for his own weak convictions.
"Your mind and your body are fighting each other," Fon observes, having looked up from the book again. Tsunayoshi blinks at him, but Fon continues to watch him with eyes that seem to see right through him to the heart of the problem. After another moment, he sets the crayon aside and stands. "In order to bring the heart, the mind, and the body back into harmony…" He straightens. Despite being a child, he uses his body with grace and dignity, using controlled breaths as he guides it through what is unmistakably a martial arts kata, recognizable even to someone who doesn't know the art at all. "One must pull oneself into the center, and become the axis on which the world turns. Master that skill, and even with an underdeveloped body, one may become an irresistible force. The eye of the storm, so to speak."
He sounds a little amused to say that last line.
"That's great, ah - but I don't think I'm really suited to becoming an irresistible force that way," Tsunayoshi says dryly.
"Hmm. Perhaps you are correct. Or rather, you will be correct so long as you hold that opinion," Fon says, coming to rest and looking at Tsunayoshi plainly. "But unless you try, you will never know if you are suited or not. I came all this way because I thought that child would have lived a lonely life without being able to gain comrades. Though it has prevented me from achieving my goal, I am not unhappy to be proven wrong."
"Those aren't the same things at all," Tsunayoshi huffs. "Besides, senpai only sees me as territory." And territory that has been equally neglected as the rest of it.
Fon merely looks at him implacably for a long moment until he feels pressured to give in. After all, despite the appearance of his teacher, he's being given some valuable information, isn't he?
His stance is corrected and even though he wobbles and falls over a few times, Fon seems endlessly patient in guiding him through the kata until Tsunayoshi can do it himself. "Even if you stumble or fall," Fon says, "don't give up or start again. Even if you stumble a hundred times, persist all the way through until you can do it from beginning to end."
That's easy to say for a brat that's going back to the activity books! However, by this time Tsunayoshi has already passed through the hands of a few trainers, and Shioya's demand that he comply without complaint, so despite his ill humor about the whole thing, he decides to at least try.
It's not as easy as it should be, though. Shioya has congratulated Tsunayoshi on becoming a worthy opponent, but there's a surprisingly large difference between boxing and whatever martial arts that Fon has been trained in. The slow shift between stances is where Tsunayoshi really struggles - he can move fast and precisely by thrusting his entire being into it, but force isn't really the aim here.
He keeps at it until his frustrations with being so entirely clumsy drive him to distraction, and even - or especially - Fon scolding him doesn't help the matter. Perhaps sensing as much, Fon relents in time for the bell to ring, alerting the students that it's lunch time.
Why am I even listening to some kid! Tsunayoshi howls in silent exasperation, yanking on his hair. But no - whatever Fon looks like, the thing that is seeing the world through his eyes isn't a child at all. Or at least, not any more so than Tsunayoshi, who has come to determine the cost of a human life based on his own choices and values. If doing something like that has made adults treat him like a peer who will understand their demands and threats, then Tsunayoshi can probably justify that Fon is much the same.
Or rather, that Fon is far above him, as he's doubtlessly seen and decided much more terrible things than Tsunayoshi alone.
He'd be happier knowing that Kyoya had someone like this involved if he had the impression that Fon's been involved in Kyoya's life at all, instead of saying things like 'come all this way' and not even knowing that Kyoya has managed to count the Committee and Tsunayoshi and his household among the people willing to back him up.
For all that Fon seems to love Kyoya, Tsunayoshi has his own ideas about how that even counts for something, and not being there makes it not count at all.
It's at lunch that Tsunayoshi overhears about the 'test of courage' that Nerina is organizing. His stomach falls a bit and his appetite is more or less ruined; it's a popular activity, especially in Namimori. There's an annual test of courage based out of Kokuyo Land ever since it got abandoned and no one has made use of the land since. Thank in part to delinquents who had frequented the place immediately after it was shut down, the entire place had an eerie atmosphere and going there near dark was sure to have everyone hearing inexplicable noises. No one had thoroughly investigated it at night, and during the day time it was too difficult to sneak past the patrol of officers.
Obviously having a test of courage in the woods run by students would have a lot of people completing it, and feeling good and happy about themselves. Nerina's popularity will increase by quite a lot in the wake of that.
Tsunayoshi feels himself beginning to panic and tries to force himself to breathe normally, clenching his fists in the bottom of his shirt. Fon is right; he can't just pressure himself into acting out of desperation. But neither can he easily figure out what to do about this on his own - the weather seems like it'll stay clear, and being a warm night, there won't be anything like that to disrupt the test.
… there are the stories that everyone always tells about the forest, and the things that live there. But Tsunayoshi won't be able to figure it out on his own, so this calls for back-up.
Despite the plan being that he'll be alone for the duration of the field trip, it only takes a few moments after he's determined that Fon is sufficiently distracted for him to catch Takeshi's eye. Takeshi's entirely too reliable. If Tsunayoshi's instincts are good, then so are Takeshi's, because he manages to shake off both his baseball friends and Mochida and meet up with Tsunayoshi in the privacy of the surrounding woods.
Takeshi's arm has finally come out of the sling, although Tsunayoshi is able to see that it's still tender and being used cautiously. Takeshi seems to take no real notice of he as he eagerly approaches, ducking tree branches and grinning.
"Tsuna!" he greets, and immediately slings his arm around Tsunayoshi's shoulders.
Tsunayoshi startles a bit before settling under the weight. He's spent years only getting the occasional kind touch from his mother, so even just the slight lapse of a day is enough to make him uneasy about it. But in the end, there's nothing scary about Takeshi clinging to him.
"You've heard about the test, right?" Tsunayoshi asks, peering up at him.
"I have! It sounds like a lot of fun," Takeshi says brightly, but immediately gets serious. "But it's more like 'it'll put a cramp in our goals,' right? I thought so, too."
It's not that sharp, wild look of the Sports Fest, when Takeshi had suddenly turned into something feral and provoked, but it's a serious look all the same - the one he might wear for a game. Tsunayoshi suddenly thinks that he and Haru should go to all of Takeshi's games, and see him off to bat. That's something to look forward to in the future.
That he's taking this matter as seriously as that makes Tsunayoshi relax. "Yeah, more or less," he agrees. "Come on, let's find a spot with some reception and give Haru a call. Maybe she'll have some ideas about what to do."
In the end, Takeshi is the one that points out a likely place for Tsunayoshi to be able to receive a signal on his phone, but even then, he has to hoist Tsunayoshi up on his shoulders. Any concerns about Takeshi's shoulder are easily laughed off. "It's my legs doing the lifting," Takeshi says from between Tsunayoshi's knees.
That doesn't sound entirely correct when regardless of what's doing the lifting, Tsunayoshi is sat upon his shoulders, but he holds the phone up and puts it on speaker when he realizes he can get a signal out. The quicker they're done with this, the quicker he can get off Takeshi's shoulders.
Unfortunately, the call doesn't do much good. Haru's idea is more or less to throw out fresh meat and attract some dangerous predators, like the wolves or bears said to inhabit the forest - where would they get fresh meat?! The communal meals are mostly vegetarian and fish! - or otherwise dress up as monsters and crash the test of their own accord.
Tsunayoshi is far from convinced of his ability to do costuming on Haru's level. It'll be too embarrassing because he'll end up dressed in a sheet and shouting 'boo.'
Her third suggestion to sabotage the cooking of dinner by puncturing the propane used to cook everything is so utterly alarming that Tsunayoshi shuts that suggestion down point blank. "We'll think of something, Haru," he promises instead. "Thank you very much for the suggestions!"
Thankfully Haru doesn't seem to sense this as the brush off that it is. If she were here herself, then Tsunayoshi is certain that they would have done either or both of her first two suggestions, but - well, thankfully it's just the two of them who understand just what it is that death is. They won't be careless with the lives of their year mates.
"We should get back before we're missed," Takeshi observes, his eyes sharp as he looks the direction of the communal lunch. Looking back to Tsunayoshi, he adds, "We'll keep thinking about it and regroup before the test, okay?"
"Alright," Tsunayoshi agrees, because Takeshi is right after all, but somehow he just doesn't feel optimistic about the whole thing.
-0-
He's right not to be optimistic about it. Ahh. His ears are ringing, his hands are numb, and Tsunayoshi realizes for the first time that conflagrations are not meant to be caged by bone and blood.
-0-
NOTES:
Fon: I'm Kyoya's grandfather
Tsunayoshi: that sounds wrong but I don't know enough about children to dispute it.
I wish-washed on what age to make the Arcobaleno. In canon, they're toddlers at around two, and that remains true for CanonVerse, while I originally thought 'six' but ended up at four, since a thirteen/fourteen year old would be able to hold a four year old, but they'd definitely be interfered with by any adults or older children in the area.
So yeah, the arcobaleno curse works somewhat differently than in canon. Please take the time to imagine Chroma!Reborn sassily telling Canon!Reborn to call him senpai lmao. Lololololol.
re: the pairing of 27R vs arcobaleno curse. Fucking wait for it my dudes. You'll get a hint next chapter. Oh, I should say that while Reborn is definitely going to show up around chapter 22/23, the building towards a relationship won't come until later and I'll be focusing on developing the 2727 pair and Reborn's regard for Tsunayoshi in the first place. Reborn isn't the kind that easily accepts people he can't make use of, and if he can make use of them, he basically looks down on them. So!
Meanwhile, Fon really is Kyoya's grandfather. It's my AU and I'll do what I want. Also I-Pin totally exists, but she fails to meet the requirements for coming to Namimori so she had to stay behind.
Next chapter will be called 'bone and blood' (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧
if you're enjoying Chroma Diamonds, please consider cheering me on~!
