Chapter 2 No Care
No one asks me for dances because I only know how to flail
I always hit like I'm drowning, dead arms around him
I'd rather stand still
Hold tightly to the walls
No care, no care in the world
No care, no care in the world
I don't care, I don't care anymore
I don't care, I don't care- No Care, Daughter
The next day she doesn't do her hair up in braid anymore. She looks at her clothes with mixed feelings. The dresses she liked were what got her bullied. Once wearing them made her feel like a princess. In the mirror she sees herself. Not the little girl she was when she came here. She had grown taller. She had long hair. Her waist was slender. Long athletic legs. Her breasts were small but starting to develop. Then the reflection changed. She was tall, taller than her current self. Her hair was blond. Beautiful. Natalia takes a step back from the mirror. Blinks. The reflection is her own. Barry knocks on the door. It's time to go. She dresses in a hurry. Putting on a skirt and shirt.
She is nervous. The moment they approach the school gate the feels like she will be sick. Yet she manages to smile. Waive at Barry as he leaves wishing her a good day. Then the smile falls. She hugs the bag to her chest and walks to class. Head bowed, not looking at anyone. Somebody trips her by sticking out their leg. She stumbles. Boys laugh. Natalia feels her face burn with anger and shame. She won't cry. She won't give the satisfaction. She keeps walking.
In class she just sits by the window in the far back. Trying to follow the lecture. Once the class is over she waits for all the other to leave. She wonders if she will see Lucy today. She looks out for the familiar black hair with blue ends. But she doesn't see her anywhere. Not even during lunch break. When the students are out and about everywhere. She then looks for a quiet place to read. She used to know all the nooks in her old school. Here she can't find a secret spot that wasn't occupied already. Some boys smoking in a narrow alley between buildings. A couple making out. Finally she gives up. Break is almost over anyways. Then she sees something black in the corner of her eyes. Outside the fence of the school is a person. They seem to be putting a poster on the street light.
Natalia walks closer.
"Hey!"
The girl turns around.
"Hey, Alex"
Natalia feel embarrassed. She wants to tell her the truth. Somebody walking behind her calls out.
"Hey, Nat-all- ya. Class is this way, dumbass" it's one of her classmates
The other boys seem to find it funny.
Well the cat is out of the bag now.
"So, you going to class? Or do you have better things to do?" Lucy questions her.
"I should get going... What about you?" She says.
"I've been suspended."
"What did you do?"
"I punched a teacher."
"Oh my god. Seriously?"
"Yup. That art teacher. Mr. Hoffman is a real perv." Lucy said.
The bell rang loudly. Natalia hasn't moved an inch. She should go to class, she knew that. But her legs wouldn't move.
"So. You wanna help me put up some posters?"
She nodded her head.
"Great. Climb over and we can go."
To her own surprise Natalia managed to get over the fence.
"I've never done anything like this before." She said.
"You serious?" Lucy laughed.
"I didn't want to get into trouble." She said.
"You won't. Cuz nobody here gives a fuck. The only ways to make it to the top here is money, money and more money. Or you suck the teacher's dick."
"I thought this was a school for special people."
"Oh their special alright. The biggest snobs, bitches, stuck up kind of special you'll ever find."
"Ouch." Natalia sighed " I guess Dr. Haupman was wrong about this place."
"Who's he?"
"My psychiatrist."
"Oh. Sorry."
"So where are we going?" Natalia asked.
They had turned off the sidewalk and were walking deeper into the woods.
"I need to get more posters." Lucy said.
The narrow forest path lead to a seemingly run down wooden cabin. With a single cracked window.
"Don't tell anyone about this place. Alright?"
"I promise."
"This is my and Ash's special place." Lucy took out a key and unlocked the padlock on the door.
"Wow it's so cool!" Natalia said looking inside.
There were several carpets covering the floor. A mattress on the ground. Posters of films and bands all over the walls. One table covered in cardboard boxes full of books and records. The other had a box stuffed with clothes and a cat bed with a black cat sleeping in it.
"You keep a cat here?"
"Nah, that's just Cid. He's already been living here when we found the place. So really he's more like the landlord here. And we're just squatting. "
Natalia moved to pet the cat. He rose his head lazily and yawned. Then sniffed her hand and rubbed against it asking for more pets.
"He likes you." Lucy said.
Natalia felt happy. She wanted Lucy to like her. Not sure why. Lucy seemed different from the other kids here. She was nice. And maybe reminded her of Moira a little bit.
"Hey, if you wanna borrow some clothes that cool. "
Natalia looked at the box of clothes.
"You don't mind?"
"Me and Ash would skip out regularly. I think you and Ash are about the same size too."
"Thanks"
"No problem, Alex"
Natalia was unsure why she called her that. She was certain that Lucy hear the boys call her Natalia.
"Um.. that's not actually my name." she said.
"So, what? If that what you want to go by, fine by me."
Natalia wasn't sure if she wanted to go by that.
"It's way to quiet in here. I'll put something on." She plugged phone into a small speaker.
Natalia never heard this kind of music. She never really listened to it. Whatever Barry put on in the car and it was usually country, or modern pop when Kathy drove her anywhere. She took out a t-shirt with sleeves that were ripped and mended with safety pins. It had a picture of a rose on fire. A pair of jeans, with tears in them and a green military jacket.
"Wow. You look sic!"
"Umm, sorry"
"No that means you look awesome."
"Oh."
She looked at the cracked mirror hanging unevenly on the wall. She didn't look like herself. But she wasn't sure if that was a bad thing.
"We should do something about your hair."
Natalia looked at her loose messy hair.
"Maybe I should cut it?"
"We could shave part of it. That would cool on you."
She remembered the image in the mirror this morning.
"Maybe, I could die it blond."
"Yeah, highlights would be cool too. Me and Ash used to each other's hair all the time."
"What happened to her?" Natalia asked.
"She went missing." Lucy said, sitting down on the mattress and reaching into a box covered with a towel. She tossed a can to Natalia. The girl looked at it. The can said "Monster". She opened it and took a sip. The taste was strange but not unpleasant. Lucy grabbed another can.
"So I met Ash three years ago. We've been tight ever since. BFF's. Then last year after school got out. Me I and my mom went out of town. I texted Ash every day but then one day the messages stopped. I though she was just busy. Her parents are both doctors, they own a clinic in town. So every summer they go on vacation somewhere. So I figure they were just out. But then she didn't come back. School started and she wasn't back."
"Did you try the police."
"Yeah, they didn't seem to care to much."
"Her parents are looking for her too. Right?"
"I don't know. They never approved of me and Ash being friends. When I came by their house they just told me to get lost. They don't seem to worry about her at all. Like their daughter is missing and they don't even care. Like no one in this god damn town cares. "
Natalia remembered how much Barry tried to get Moira back.
" That's strange." She said.
"Yeah I know."
"Do have any idea where she could be? Maybe she vanished while they were on vacation. She could be far away somewhere."
"No. She sent me this. " Lucy took her phone and shoved her a picture.
It was the same girl only not a drawing. Red hair with green highlights. A red square patterned shirt on. Trees in the background. "Waiting for you, Lu." Said the text.
" Do you know where this was taken?"
"Kind of. I tried looking. She sent this to me when I was away. She didn't go on holiday with her parents. She said they were leaving on the 17th. This picture was taken on the 22nd. I got back on the 23rd. she was gone. I only later found out about it. So all this time I just thought she was on holiday. When I could have been looking. " Lucy took a sip of her drink.
" So where is this place?"
" On the other side of town. When you leave the town. We used to hand out there. This is somewhere close. But I couldn't find where exactly. The woods from here connect. It's all just forest from this side to the next across the mountains. Maybe she got lost in the woods. OR maybe she just left. She often said she wanted leave. She wanted to go to Seattle. Maybe she hitch hiked. Mayne she got picked up by some creep who did god knows what to her. "Lucy sighed angrily.
"I'll help you look."
"Thanks. I keep hopping she's alive. That she'll have her fun and come back."
"Yeah. You shouldn't give up."
"I won't. Not until I find her."
Lucy grabbed a stack of posters from another box on the floor.
"Did you draw all of these?"
"Well. Ashley got me into drawing. She was really into photography. We did dream about applying for art school together."
Natalia had no idea what she wanted to do after school. She wasn't even sure if she had something she could call a talent. With her grades a carrier in science was always on option but something kept her back from it.
Lucy gave a stack of posters to Natalia and they headed into the town. Stapling posters to anywhere and everywhere. Hiding from passing police and angry shop owners who would tear down illegal posters. It was kind of fun. So much that she lost track of time.
"Oh, crap." Normally she didn't say bad words but if felt strangely good. "Barry is going to pick me up at 4PM I need to get changed and get my schoolbag."."
The clock on her phone showed 3:45.
"We have to get back to the school." Natalia said feeling scared all of a sudden.
If she got caught. If they found out she was not at school. What would they do? Would she even be allowed to live with Barry anymore?
"I know a shortcut." Lucy said. Dragging her though the allies into the woods.
She barely made it to house. Got into the clothes she left with in the morning and climbed over the fence into the school yard. Lucy tossed her the bag.
"See you tomorrow?"
"Definitely." Natalia flashed her a smile.
She ran across the yard to the main school entrance where Barry was waiting.
"Sorry" said. "Had gym class"
Barry said nothing. They drove back home. Kathy was making dinner. Natalia headed upstairs for a shower.
"Hey, could I stay until 6pm tomorrow. It's for a group project. "she asked during dinner.
"Of course dear. " Kathy said.
"Don't forget you have to see Dr. Haupman Friday." Barry said." He wants to see how you are doing in a new school. "
She nodded.
"Can we go shopping afterwards?"
She had never really asked for anything like this. She had been happy with what she had been given.
Kathy and Barry looked at each other.
"Well, I have to go work." Barry said.
" I have an appointment with my dentist." Kathy said." But I'm sure we can arrange for somebody to take you. "
Natalia felt a little angry. Being treated like a kid. Not allowed to do anything by herself.
"Maybe I can go alone?" she asked.
"We need to get approval first. You know that." Barry said.
"I know. But nothing strange has happened recently. And it's been three months since. I'm fine. I promise."
"We know, sweetie. But we need to be careful." Barry said.
Natalia felt disappointed. Angry even. Somehow all of this felt so familiar. Like this had already happened. Some old man telling her what she can and can't do. Having to get approval for every little thing. God, she hated it. She snuck into Moira's old room and began going thought some of the clothes she left behind. Finding an old black t-shit with an electric guitar on it and some ripped jeans she put them on. She put on the song Lucy played in the house and took some scissors from the drawer. One by one strands of her hair fell to the bathroom floor. Her long hair was now only half as long as it had been. She wept it to one side over her shoulder and smiled to herself in the mirror. It felt familiar, it felt right. More like herself again. Again? What a strange thought. When was she ever not herself?
Love you in a panic because I prefer to sit on fences
Spit-kissing on my sickbed
I'm not searching for replacements
But we are like broken instruments
Twisted up and wheezing out the runnels
Sleepless folks watching light grow through their early morning windows
I don't care, I don't care anymore
I don't care, I don't care
