Chapter 6: A song to Say Goodbey
You are one of God's mistakes,
You crying, tragic waste of skin,
I'm well aware of how it aches,
And you still won't let me in.
Now I'm breaking down your door,
To try and save your swollen face,
Though I don't like you anymore,
You lying, trying waste of space.
Before our innocence was lost,
You were always one of those,
Blessed with lucky sevens,
And the voice that made me cry .
My Oh My. – A song to say goodbye, Placebo
The days blur into one endless day. There is no difference anymore. She isn't allowed to leave her room. The teachers send all the class assignments and homework to Barry and Kathy. They took away her phone. The computer too. She is only allowed to use it downstairs and for school. So everyone can see what she's doing. She stopped going down for meals. The way they look at her now, it was too much. For the visits to Dr. Haupman she get additional escorts. Sometimes it's Claire. Sometimes a person she doesn't know. She hates it. It's like she has become a prisoner in the place she once considered to be her home. The people who once loved her now treat her like a criminal, a stranger, a burden. It's like one morning she woke up and the world was completely different. But no matter how much she apologized things wouldn't go back to normal. She truly hated feeling like this. She just wanted it to stop. But it wouldn't.
It had only been slightly over a week since the incident in the forest. But it felt like forever. Natalia didn't bother getting up. Weekend meant no school. No homework. Nothing to do. She was afraid now, of doing the wrong thing. Of reading the wrong books. Of speaking in the wrong manner. Everything she did was being scrutinized. Judged. Whether her words and actions belonged to her or not. So she did nothing. Just lay in bed. She didn't feel like eating either. She just didn't want to be in this mess anymore.
Sleep offered little escape. Visions plagued her. Of a past that did not belong to her. People, places, faces. Memories. Desires. It felt like she was going insane.
She recalled the Latin class she struggled with so much. The teacher that made her read over and over until she read without error. He made her kneel on dry peas or small stones. He beat her for every mistake. Except she never learned Latin. But regardless of it she could read it flawlessly.
She wasn't sure if the sessions with Dr. Haupman were helping. But she knew that every time she had one the dreams got longer and more detailed. She never said anything about it. It would undoubtedly lead to more punishment.
She recalled how embarrassed she was when she saw Lucy changing. And Lucy was still a sore subject. It still hurt. The feeling of betrayal fresh and raw. She wanted to know why. But she realized they will probably never meet again. Who knows how long they will keep her here. Perhaps for the rest of her life. It had been nothing compared to mixture of shame and pleasure she felt now. She knew these memories were not hers, she was just seeing them. But she was also taking part in them, but not as herself. And when the man with the dark glasses kissed her it felt all too real. She knew him, yet she didn't know him. Feeling him touch her under the shirt. She was aware suddenly that this was a dream, a memory, not hers. But she wanted it to be. Because it felt good. Unlike most this was not painful. And when she awoke, heart rapidly beating in her chest, sweat on her skin, strange feeling of moisture between her legs. All she could do is wonder if she had screamed his name. Will they rush to her room? Find her in this state. And how could she explain it? The next thing she wondered if she and Lucy could have been like that. She had become aware of it. Her attraction towards girls. It was something she knew to be entirely her own.
She dreamt of many things. Some were mundane. Some were horrific. The blood, the torn heart. Her first kill. And she ran to the bathroom as fast as she could. The bile rising in throat. The face of the woman with her eyes squashed into bloody mush and the ripped open chest. As much as it disgusted her, there was a strange feeling of satisfaction too.
Two weeks that felt like years. The next visit to the doctor was supposed to be her last. For now. if she made progress they might let her go back to school in spring. But spring was so far away. And so was everything else. Nothing mattered anymore. She began to like the dreams, even if they were nightmares. They were an escape. She didn't dare hope that there would ever be an end to this. There was no end, not for as long as she lived.
"It's all your fault" she yelled to the woman standing in front of her.
White against the black smoke in the background. Natalia stood there as her current self. Opposite of her, black against white. The woman didn't seem to respond to her.
"It's all your fault! You stupid bitch!. It's all because you put yourself into my head. Now everything is wrong. And it's because of you!" she paused to catch her breath.
Her lips move but Natalia doesn't hear what she is saying. Doesn't hear but still understands.
"Yeah, we'll I'm tired too! Tired of living in this hopeless mess. You want it so bad! Go ahead. You can have it. I'm done!"
The woman laughs. Then she turns away, walking into the darkness that is slowly drifting towards Natalia. But the white surrounding her is also moving. Towards the black. The woman disappears. Natalia looks at her own hands and they are also beginning to fade and merge with the two masses. White into black. Black into white. The two pour into each other, merging, becoming one. Now there only one. Not black. Not white. Everything becomes grey.
Alex opened her eyes.
