Chapter 14 Letter- from the Lost Days

"A letter to my future self
Am I still happy, I began
Have I grown more pretty
Is Daddy still a good man
Am I still friends with Colleen
I'm sure that I'm still laughing, aren't I, aren't I

Hey there to my future self
If you forget how to smile
I have this to tell you
Remember it once in a while
Ten years ago your past self
Prayed for your happiness
Please don't lose hope

Oh, oh what a pair me and you
Put here to feel joy, not be blue
Sad times and bad times see them through
Soon we will know if it's for real what we both feel"
Letter- from the Lost Days, Akira Yamaoka

"You'll pay for this She-Wesker!.

"Barry!" Claire sees him choking Natalia.

"It's Wesker!" he cries out.

Some of the hospital staff scream. People are gathering around. Alex feels the lack of air making her head spin. Just a little longer. She closes her eyes. Yearns. "Albert, I'm coming". Her consciousness slowly drifts.

They pull Barry off her. Medics rush to the scene. Claire and Moira are arguing with Barry. People are panicking. Somebody called the police.

Alex wakes up in a bed. Alive. Her neck hurts. Throat feels tight. IV in her left arm. It's dark. She is alone. She buries her face in the pillow and screams despite the pain.

The meeting to decide what to do seems to be going nowhere. Barry is irrational. Claire feels uncertain.

"Why now?" She asks. "If she's been here the whole time"

"It's all part of her sick game" Barry says, still angry, still hurt.

"Speaking of sick. Did you have to choke her in the middle of a fucking hospital?" Moira yells

"What was supposed to do?!" He gets up from his chair. "She killed Natalia!"

"I'm not so sure about that" Dr. Haupman speaks up. "First of all, it impossible for her to do that without directly ending her own life as well. Second, I think the two have somehow merged into one being that is neither completely Natalia, neither completely Dr. Wesker."

"And you're basing this on?" Claire asks

"Just some observations I've made during our sessions."

"Like what."

"She answers most questions the same way Natalia would but sometimes there is something else. You've noticed it too, no doubt."

Claire looks at Barry who is still arguing with Moira. Thinks back.

"I'm not sure I noticed. Perhaps we wouldn't be here if someone did."

"No, we certainly would not." Dr. Haupman agrees.

She looks over the report and hands it to Moira. They are on their way to the hospital. Alex was awake.

"She provoked him." Claire says.

"But why? What the point?" Moira questions.

"I don't know. " Claire says. " but there's something. If' it's really been her the whole time. She could have ran with Lucy. She could have killed us in our sleep. But she didn't."

"Maybe it's like Dr. Haupman said. Maybe she is still part Natalia. And Natalia would never do that."Moira says.

"Back on that island. We never did get all the answers. Maybe we could get her to talk now."

"I don't think it's a good idea." Moira says.

"I don't know. It's just bothering me. That night they brought Lucy in. I've heard her talking to her. She seemed really upset that Lucy got hurt. But I just can't believe that being the Overseer."

"Because it makes her seem like a human?" Moira says

Claire stops in the parking lot. The words sting.

"Yeah. I guess I can understand how Chris feels. A little bit anyways. "

Claire enters the room. It's hard not to think of the girl in front of her as Natalia. The guards outside say that all has been quiet. She hasn't tried to escape. Hasn't even tried to leave the room. There is a plate on uneaten food. A pitcher of water and a glass that hasn't been used. She is facing the wall, back to the door. Claire pulls the chair to the bed, sits.

Alex hears the door open. Doesn't move. The nurse had brought her breakfast. She didn't feel like eating. She waited for the woman to leave hopping to grab a knife but to her disappointment the utensils were plastic. She remained in bed, wondering what they will do to her now. Was death still an option? Will they simply lock her up in some high security prison? Turn her into and experiment to understand her work? If she pleaded guilty and begged for the death sentence would they grant it?

It had taken a moment to realize the person the room wasn't leaving. It wasn't the nurse from before, it was somebody else. She couldn't let them see her face. Stained with tears. She would not show weakness to them.

"You awake, Overseer?" Claire has a feeling she is just pretending to be asleep.

Alex composes herself. Doesn't turn to face her.

"Redfield." She acknowledges, her voice coarse.

"So it really is you. " Claire sighs.

Alex tries laughing but it hurts.

"Still don't believe it?"

"This doesn't make sense" Claire says "Why now? What do you want?"

She gives the answer. The same answer. The only answer.

"To escape."

Claire remembers. The image flash before her eyes. The gun shot .The blood on the glass. Escape. That's what she had called it. Barry pining her to ground. Choking her. Escape. Claire shakes her head. Leaves. Somehow it hurts inside her chest. In the bathroom she splashes cold water on her face. She realizes at that moment she is not like Chris. She could never be. She doesn't want to be.

She can't go back into that room. Even if she knows she should. Moira sits beside her.

"Do you hate her that much?" Moira asks.

"What? No. I just can't go in there. I can't explain it. "Claire says.

"Want me to give it a try?"

"Do you hate her, Moira?"

Moira is quiet for a moment.

"I don't know. I think I should but Natalia has been part of the family. And if it's been more than just her than…. It's weird. Too weird."

"Yeah. I know. "Claire says.

Eventually she does go back into the room. Little has changed. Another plate of uneaten food. But now it's dark. The light was off. Claire moves to the bedside to turn it on.

"Don't." Comes a voice from the bed.

She stops. Takes a seat in the chair from earlier. Not seeing her face is actually better. She can imagine the same woman from back then.

"Feel like talking now?"

Alex is sitting up in the bed. Face obscured by shadow.

"What will you do with me?" She asks.

"They are still deciding on that." Claire says.

"You should have let him kill me and spared yourself the trouble."

Claire stares into the darkness in disbelief. She sees the same woman, putting a gun to her head and pulling the trigger. She closes her eyes, tries to block the image.

"Is it true? Did you really kill Natalia?"

"So what if I did?" Her voice is taunting.

"You didn't." Claire says. "You can't."

"And how would you know that?"

"Dr. Haupman seems to think so. I think so too."

Alex says nothing.

"You could have left with Lucy. If you want to escape, why didn't you?" Claire questions.

Alex thinks for a moment. Wonders if she should answer. She doesn't know why. She had been asking herself the same question.

"And I thought you liked talking." Claire attempts to tease her.

The woman talking through the bracelets sure seemed to. Talking in riddles and quotes. But it didn't feel like the same person. It didn't feel like Natalia either.

"I don't know" she finally says.

Claire seems to consider her words.

"So what was your plan? To rule the world? To destroy it?"

Alex is silent once again. There never was a plan. The technology was an experiment. One that shouldn't have worked. How she wishes she had simply died after pulling the trigger. Tears sting her eyes. But she won't let them fall. Even concealed by the darkness she won't cry in front the enemy.

Claire feels like the conversation won't get her anywhere. But perhaps she isn't asking the right questions. Perhaps Moira would be better at this after all. She knew how to talk to people. Claire gets up leaves. Once the door closes Alex feels the tears begin to fall. The window has bars. Jumping out is impossible. Making a rope out of the bedsheets was an option. But there was nowhere to hang it. The sink was too small to put her head underwater. She wanted to escape this pain, this hopelessness. Waiting for whatever sentence they decided on seemed like torture. But waiting was all she could do. She had failed to die once again. Or perhaps she was dead, perhaps this was hell. Stuck here forever. Reliving her failures for the rest of time, alone. Without him. It did seem like hell. "Abandon all hope" was engraved on the gates of hell according to Alighieri. but she had never had any to begin with.

Claire stayed up all night thinking. Sleep found her in the early morning. A phone call woke her just few hours later. Disoriented she picked up the phone.

Another drive to the hospital. This time without Moira. Nothing has changed. A new plate of food gone cold on the table. She is looking out the window. Claire is not sure if the girl was even aware that she came in.

"You should eat." She tries.

No reply comes. Claire feels uncertain.

"Well. Lucy has had a successful surgery. They say she's recovering well."

Silence.

"The council has finally agreed on what to do."

She moves, looks at her. So she had been listening after all.

"Considering everything that happened. You will no longer be staying with the Burtons. Instead, you'll be staying with me. "

Claire still questioned her own decision to volunteer.

"You're allowed to go to school and sessions with Dr. Haupman. You have a curfew. You have to be home before eight. No overnight stays anywhere. "

Alex wonders where the trap is.

"Consider yourself lucky. The child protection services got involved. Natalia is only 15."

"And what do you plan to do when that is no longer the case? Toss me into some prison? Lock me up and throw away the key? Turn me into some science experiment?"

"The council will decide that, when the time comes. "Claire says.

"You expect me to sit and wait?" Alex wonders.

"I'll be keeping a close eyes on you. Don't worry about that".

She remains silent. Living with Redfield. Almost ironic. But it doesn't matter. Once she is out of the hospital she can find something to end her live with. Just a little bit more and this will all be over. Unless she wakes up in the same room once more. A terrifying thought. She hopes that the third time will do it for good.

It is a strange place. But she vaguely remembers seeing it before. Black and white. There were two once. Now there are three. Her old self, white against the black, Natalia in her black clothes surrounded by white. And now her. Alex with her half red hair, black and white clothes and grey all around her. It's surprising. Looking at her old self. She could understand Natalia being there, but her old self?

"You are free, that is why you are lost." Her old self holds a book.

"I wouldn't call it freedom! "She spits at the woman.

"No, you wouldn't. You like your chains too much."

"You think I like being this miserable?! I don't. And most of it your fault!"

She realizes she is talking to herself ,in a weird way.

"It my fault." She corrects herself.

"You mean it's our fault" the woman says.

"I doesn't matter because I am you."

"Not quite."

"What do you mean?" Alex is confused now.

"I'll tell her. " Natalia says.

"Go ahead" the old Alex agrees.

"Well, for a start. You are you. "Natalia says.

"Not me and not her" she points to the other Alex.

"But..." Alex wants to argue.

"You are a little bit me." Natalia says." And maybe more like her. But ultimately you are you."

"Alright." She still doesn't understand.

She had placed a copy of her own consciousness into Natalia. A copy of herself, her memories. That was all. It was her and Natalia. But now there was three of them. She was her own person? But that was impossible.

"You still don't get it." The other Alex pick up on it.

"No, not really."

"That's fine. However one thing that isn't fine is you making decisions on our behalf."

"Decisions on your behalf?"

"That's right" Natalia says." You know we could just replace you."

She didn't consider it. Natalia could just take back control? Could she really?

"To put it simply, darling" Alex says, hand on her hip," We like to exist. But it just so happens that the three of us share a body. Do you get it now?"

Slowly she begins to understand.

"You don't want me to die? Well then you are welcome to take this body away from me at any time." she feels bold, taunting them.

"I would love to see what happens when you take over. " She points to her other version.

"Believe me, you wouldn't" She says.

"Oh I don't know about that. I mean it wouldn't be any different from now. "

Alex just smirks at her.

Her eyes open. She isn't in bed. To her own surprise. She is in the small bathroom. And it's not her. She touches a hand to her face. It is her, like she used to be. The original Alex, before she died. But then she notices Natalia sitting on the bed. And in the corner of the mirror herself. With her red hair and hospital nightgown. She is only seeing from the eyes. She is still in bed. Seeing from the eyes of her other self. It is strange. Terrifying. Alex walks over to her.

"Remember. We'll be watching"

She blinks. They are gone. She wonders if this was a dream or a hallucination. But it was too strange. It was something she needed to study. After all, what she did was never done before. Transferring a consciousness of a person into another person. This could be a side effect. But then there should still only be two of them. Why were there 3? Why was she her own person according to the two? But her technology was mostly destroyed when the tower exploded. She could remake it but she would need money and a place. That would never happen. Now that she had revealed herself. Why didn't Natalia just take back control? That would have fixed things so easily.

The doctors are perplexed. The bruise on her neck that was there in the morning is gone. It has healed. She wonders if it was the virus. But why had only activated now? She knew she couldn't get sick. Most of her injuries healed fast but not instantly. This was something different. Whatever was going on here was a lot more complicated than she had assumed.

The move to Claire's apartment was quiet. Moira had already packed things from her room. Cid had grown quite happy with the life at the Burtons. So he would remain there. She heard that Lucy was recovering after her surgery. Another one was waiting for her next week. But she didn't care much. She would be stuck with Claire. Still mistrustful. Believing that she was being taken to a prison. Up until the point the car stopped in front of an apartment complex.

The room was about the same size as the one at Burtons. But this was not a child's room. It was plain. A bed, a wardrobe, a desk with a chair, beside table by the bed and a lamp. It almost reminded her of the room in the orphanage. But it wasn't that clean, hospital whiteness. The walls were cream colored, the carpet was a deep forest green. The curtains were pastel crimson.

Claire had rented this place to keep an eye on Natalia when she could. Claire's room was right next to hers. The living room was large and connected to the kitchen. Only one bathroom. The windows opened up to the city. It was familiar sight. One that reminded her of a different city. Raccoon.

She said nothing. Went to her room and began unpacking. Claire was still trying to wrap her head around it.

"To be honest I was also surprised when you volunteered to take her." Moira said.

"I know. I just. It's strange. I need to figure this out. "Claire said.

"Yeah. We all do." Moira said.

"I've been trying to find out things. But it causes more questions than answers. The B.S.A.A. even send some files from their archives but there just isn't anything." She sighs.

"What are you trying to learn?"

"Anything." Claire admits" there is no info. Aside from what we know. The island in the Baltics. T-Phobos experiments. Spencer's private facility on Sonido de Tortuga, the research there. But it doesn't really explain anything. "

"Yeah. Umbrella sure loved their secrets. What about the stuff B.S.A.A sent you?"

"Nothing much. Just a lot of cryptic stuff. Something that has almost no data on it besides a name. The Wesker project ,whatever that was."

"You could just as her." Moira says.

"Be my guest. Maybe you can make her talk." Claire says.

Moira sighs.

"You want to interrogate her. I said, try talking."

Claire looks confused.

"All right I'll try it. "She agrees.

Alex notices the dark-haired woman enter the room. She pauses her unpacking.

"What do you want, Burton?"

"My name is Moira. And I just wanna talk."

Alex says nothing. Thinks for a moment.

"We have nothing to talk about."

"I don't know. You and Lucy seemed to get along just fine."

"Well we didn't. Ever heard of pretending?" she keeps her tone cold.

"You're still hiding behind that glass."

Her words take her by surprise. Moira looks her in the eyes. Alex turns her gaze away. Pulls herself together. Takes a step forward.

"I'm not hiding. There is no glass here. You said you wanted to choke me. Well I'm right here. Go ahead. Let's see if you do a better job than you daddy."

Moira recoils. Takes a step back. And Alex knows she's hit the nail on the head.

"You know what meant." Moira says leaving.

She does but she won't admit it. It was a way to protect herself. A wall of transparency, honesty, glass, but still a wall. She chose what to show and to whom. She spoke in riddles to them. Told them the truth in her own enigmatic ways. To her colleagues in Umbrella she was a quiet hard working girl. To her subordinates on the island she was charismatic, manipulative. Albert was the only one she ever let in. Most people never noticed the wall. Believed what she showed them. It being transparent, invisible. She never expected the Burton's girl to be the one who caught on.

"Well, how did it go?" Claire wonders.

"Not great." Moira admits.

"She said something to hurt you?" Claire can hear the restrained anger in her voice.

"I'm fine." She says. "It's just... This will be hard. Maybe we should ask Dr. Haupman for some tips. "

"Not a bad idea."

In all the commotion they had almost forgot it was Christmas season. The school had closed down for an early break after the outbreak. Alex was confident no one would find her secret lab. She made sure to pack up the equipment and hide it. Destroyed the evidence of the work she had done there. Even if they found it, suspected it, there was nothing that could lead them back to her. Except for Elliot. But she had a feeling he would keep his mouth shut. After all he was involved in it. He helped her.

She needed to analyze whatever was going on with her. But it was too risky to keep notes. She did have her computer but knew Redfield could hack. It just wasn't safe. But she needed to do something. School was out. Staying in her room for weeks was going to drive her crazy. Of course no one thought about grabbing her books along with the other stuff. Why would they? These people never cared for her. They would rather see her dead. She was alive, only because the laws said she was too young. Once she turned 18, they could do whatever they saw fit. Two and a half years was all she had. It seemed like forever. Another two years of this. She couldn't take it. But she was afraid. What if the strange dream was more than a dream? If the other two halves of her really did take away her control? But maybe it wouldn't hurt so much then. Being just a passive observer inside Natalia's head wasn't so bad. Now she wished she could go back.