Chapter 17 Pain
"You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me, and take my hand
When the lights go out, you'll understand
Pain without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all"- Pain. 3 Days Grace
Lucy bows her head.
"It sucks. I wish I could go back to school"
"You will. Once you're better."
She shakes her head.
"Mom decided to sell the house. Once I'm out of the hospital we're moving to her relatives in Vancouver. "
"That's on the other side of the country."
"Yeah. The agency will handle the sale. Mom doesn't want to stay here any longer."
"Do you?"
Lucy thinks for a bit.
"I don't know. I lost dad here, I lost Ashley. And most people here are complete assholes. But I grew up here. This where dad taught me to ride a bike, to drive. I met you here and…" she wipes the tears from her eyes "I just don't know."
"You can always come back" Alex says." well, unless a tornado wipes it off of the map or something."
"Yeah, I guess." Lucy laughs
Alex thinks back to the places she's lived. Could any of them be considered home? She never thought of them that way. Definitely not the orphanage. Not her dorm room in the collage. Perhaps that little apartment in Raccoon city? She never had an attachment to a place, not enough to call it her home.
Soon, Lucy would be out of her life. The one person who cared about her. Nothing to really hold her back from acting. Everyone leaves, everyone dies. Everything changes and yet nothing changes. She stares blankly out the window into the rain. There was a sudden "heat wave". Global warming perhaps. All the snow melted and rains with strong winds began. The new art teacher Mrs. Thomson was saying something about color theory. Alex could not be bothered to listen. Honestly she preferred Hoffman as a teacher- he actually taught. Now art class was more about taking notes and reading textbooks.
She decided to skip the second art class. Going to check her private lab in the abandoned collage building. The place didn't seem disturbed. But she took precaution and examined the other rooms where she stashed the equipment. All was there. Replacing the padlock on the entrance seemed to work. And if anyone did come here, all the equipment stashed into boxes looking like it was ready to be moved wouldn't cause suspicion. She went as far as to fabricate the transfer notes with some of old files she found in the building. Anyone would think they just forgot it when the collage moved out. Now she really wished she had Eliot around to carry it all back and set it up. But when she texted him earlier he said he was not at school.
She decided to wait until he was available. Didn't have any plans to create any viruses any time soon. Instead connected her laptop to an external storage unit and began coding the program. She had used it for her calculation when she made the prototype for the mind transfer. It could do a lot more than that. But remaking it would take time and she couldn't do it at apartment, in case Claire stumbled upon it. So she made sure she recorded it all in the external storage unit. It would take a few days or even weeks to finish it. Considering she had only about 60 to 90 minutes on every day of school. Of course pulling a few all-nighters would have sped it along. This version would include her new calculations. Alex was certain it wasn't a mind fracture but had no other ideas what it could be. No matter how she tried to calculate the answers she got was never 3. She needed a program to rework the calculations knowing the result and not how she got it. Too many unknown variables in this. But a machine can process things faster and on a broader scope than a human.
Another thing she did in her spare time was looking into Haupman. There were plenty of articles about the cases he has worked on. Psychopaths, serial killers, mass murderers. He put many of them behind bars, but he had also cleared some of them. Perhaps they were innocent, not right in the head, not aware of what they did. But one thing stood out to her. One picture that made her feel certain.
Haupman stood next to a man with dark, short hair and a small beard, he had square glasses on- Hoffman. He had been charged with assault on a student he had been tutoring in private. Not a serial killer, just an attempted rape of an adolescent. Yet Haupman was involved. Hoffman pleaded that he was not in the right state of mind because of stress. His wife had left him and took their daughter. The divorce wasn't going well with all that Hoffman owned going to his wife. He was believed to be on drugs. Claimed he had confused the girl with his own daughter and was trying to rape her only to take her away with him. The police called in an expert to validate these claims. Of course it dragged out the legal proceeding. Haupman just happened to that expert they brought in for the case. And he confirmed Hoffman's claims. He won the case but was assigned therapy and Haupman just happened to the one he had therapy session with. After a year of therapy Haupman said he was doing better and feeling sorry for the way he acted.
Alex wondered. If Hoffman really got better, or just better at hiding what he did. She suspected he was lying about the whole thing. But knowing Haupman it was unlikely that he would fall for the lies. He had to have known Hoffman was lying. But he helped him prove his lies, clear the man's name and let him walk free. Perhaps he could do the same to her. Have her cleared. But that was not an option anymore. Not after seeing him next to Hoffman. If she had considered trusting him before, now it was completely of the table. She recalls the person in the leather mask the police shoved her. Could it have been Haupman? Strange how both him and Hoffman ended up in Canada, and living quite close to each other. One in a small town and the other in a city in the same general area. And why didn't Hoffman plead insanity this time? Why hasn't Haupman made a move to help him? Did they have a fight over something? Lucy did say Hoffman wanted Natalia, but Haupman wanted Alex for something. Perhaps a conflict of interests. Perhaps Haupman was the mastermind behind this all along. Hoffman was egotistical, stupid, and impatient. He couldn't have done all this on his own. Makes sense that there was somebody else, somebody behind him.
She thinks about it more. This all began when Haupman suggested that Natalia should transfer to that school. The school where Hoffman was a teacher at. Alex feels rage boil in her veins. He knew. All this time he knew and he sent Natalia there knowing. He wanted Hoffman to get to her, she realizes. To get Natalia. Tie her up in that room in front of the camera. Torture her, rape her until she broke. Why? Alex is almost certain she know the answer. It was the moments of misery, of stress from the girl that gave some semblance of control. It was when she broke that Alex woke up. Haupman was aware of it. He wanted to use Hoffman to awaken Alex. But things didn't go as planned. Lucy got involved. The night in the woods and Umbrella. Hoffman became unnecessary. So he had no need to save the man, who was no longer useful.
Alex sends the article link to the police. Suggests a link between the two. But she knows this is likely not going to achieve anything. Haupman has ties to the F.B.I., had the B.S.A.A. trusting his every word. He could have her locked up if he so wanted. And the lack of any substantial evidence to prove his quit or even involvement meant he could basically talk his way out of any suspicions. He was the one who held all the cards. Trying to blackmail him would be stupid. Once again she was at the mercy of a cruel man who sought to use her.
Finding evidence to bust Haupman might be impossible but she had to try. This and researching what was happening to her were two things she focused on. Making sure she only gave vague answers during the sessions and didn't give him any more information to use against her.
She stands on the rooftop. The very edge. A long drop down. All she had to do was take one more step and it would all be over. Nothing seems to happen. She waits some more. This part can't be seen from the school. The fall would be enough to kill her. Yet there is nothing. They had said they would stop her if she tried to end her life. Is she jumped even if they switched places they wouldn't be able to do anything. And yet they weren't interfering. She wonders why. It was her hope that doing something like this would trigger it again. She needed to experience it again. To know that it was real. But perhaps it wasn't. Perhaps it was just a dream, a hallucination of sorts. Or perhaps her state of mind was simply too calm. Alex recalls being miserable when it happened. Desperate to truly end things. That despair has decreased somewhat. Now she was trying to figure out how to get her other two selves to appear like they did before.
Dr. Haupman is out of town. Or so his assistant says. Alex is a little surprised considering the man hasn't informed anyone of this. But then, the police couldn't investigate him either. And it sure was strange how just days after she sent them the article he left. But now she will have to wait around for an hour and a half for Claire to come pick her up. She goes outside. Slips into an alley. Takes out the box cuter she swiped from art class. There aren't any people around. She sits on a crate concealed by garbage containers. Removes her gloves. Unbuttons her coat. Pulls one arm from the sleeve. Rolls up the sleeve of her sweater. Wonders what would happen if she slit it all the way down from her elbow. Would one of the other two take control? She makes a small horizontal cut. Blood pools at the top, drips to the white snow. It stings. Nothing happens. She prepares to do it again. Deeper this time.
"If you want pain there are better ways."
She drops the box cutter. There is someone standing in the shadows. A young woman walks into the light. She has long light brown hair. Dark jacket and jeans. Knee high boots. She gives Alex a smile. She is possibly in her twenties, or younger.
"I won't tell." She says.
Picks up the box cutter, hands it back to her.
"You can stay here. But I know you don't really want to die. "
"How do you…?"
"Horizontal for attention, vertical for results. "
She wants to argue. It's not for attention. She does want to end it all. But deep down she just curious.
"I don't." She admits.
The woman smiles.
"That's what I thought. You like the pain, don't you?"
She can't say that she does. But she used to pain and suffering. Physical pain had been such a large part of her life. There is another theory she has. Perhaps it was the physical injury that triggered it. Barry did try to strangle her. but after that Stange dream her injury vanished. The theory needed testing.
"yes. " She says to the woman.
"Follow me. I know something that will help. "the woman says
She hesitates. But goes along. She suspects. This could lead to a few things. Nothing legal either way.
"I don't have much time."
"Don't worry. "The woman assures her.
She takes them thought another alley. Takes a turn. Goes into a narrow street. Opens a door. Down into a basement. It's a maze down there. Then finally into a room. It's lit by neon lights that give off a red glow. Alex takes in the décor. The instruments line the shelves and hang on the wall. The woman notices her calmness.
"You are familiar with it?"
Alex nods.
"Good. Then I won't have to explain much. You know the rules?"
Alex nods again. She does. Only she has never been on the receiving end before.
"Alright. If you consent we can begin."
"I do "She says.
"Then strip" the woman commands.
She is undressing. Hear the heater turn on somewhere in the room. Heels click and the mysterious woman emerges from behind the dark curtain. Wearing the same jeans and high boots but her top is sleeveless, tied by leather straps to a belt around her neck. Long hair tied into a tall pony tail. The way her hips move is rather seductive. She takes something from the shelf. Alex is now completely naked.
"Turn around. "She commands.
She does. Feeling rather embarrassed all of a sudden. She leans in close. Eyes moving up and down her body. Hand reaching out to touch the tattoo.
"Are you afraid" she asks, there is hint of an accent. Russian if she had to guess.
Alex looks up at her eyes.
"No."
The woman smirks. Turns her to face the wall. Pushes her up against the cold concrete. Chains her hands to the wall with shackles. Takes her hair, cascading down her back. Starts to braid it.
"Wouldn't' want it to get ruined." She smiles. "It's so pretty"
Alex shivers in the cold. Part of her questions why she followed this woman. Why she agreed to this. The braid hangs over her shoulder. Tickles her breast. She turns her head to see what the woman is doing. Sees her removing a whip from the shelf. Breath catches in the throat. The sigh makes her feel nervous. This will hurt. Part of her wants to run. But she can't. She smells the alcohol like smell. Something cold is rubbing against her back. It smells like spirits. The woman cleans her back, shoulders. It will sting. She is growing more and more tense but the woman is taking her time. She cleans the whip with great care.
"Wouldn't want you die to from a blood infection." She says looking over at her.
"Now one more thing." She moves to put something in her mouth." Bite on this."
She does. Feels the woman fasten the gag behind her head. Then she moves to put a blind fold on her. Now she can see. Doesn't know when the hit will come. The anticipation is brutal. Then finally it comes. The first lash across her back. She can't scream. The wound stings. the drops of the liquid get inside the wound. Burn. Another lash comes along her spine. She forgets how to breathe. This is nothing like the beatings Spencer gave her. He was a weak old man after all. But it still feels the same way. Humiliating. Like she had failed. Like she was worthless. It also felt right. Like she deserved it. That was the way she was taught. Failure lead to punishment. It wasn't a sexual pleasure. She didn't enjoy pain that way. But it was still a relief. Like all the pain that was inside was now outside. It still hurt but in a different way. It wasn't the feeling of being devoured by the abyss inside her. the concerns of an unknown future and feeling powerless. It was pure physical pain that left no room for anything else. And it was good to feel something different. To not feel empty, sad or miserable. If you can still fell pain, you are alive. She felt very alive now.
Ten, twelve, twenty?. She lost count of the lashes. Her back was on fire. Just one big pain. The blindfold was wet, tears running down her face. It took her some time to realize the lashings have stopped. She tries to twist. It hurts. To see what's going on. To ask for more. Somebody takes out the gag. She swallows. Tries to find her voice.
"Ple ase. more "
A hand in her hair. Twists.
"I decide when you've had enough." The woman says. "And I say you've had enough for now."
Alex almost feels disappointed.
"But you were good. So good at taking it. I will give you a reward."
Her legs hurt from standing up, her arms feel almost numb from being in the same position. The chains rattle, slide down. She in on her knees. Something soft bellow her.
"Down. On your stomach. "The woman commands.
She feels tired. Not sure how much time has passed. It's hard to focus. She wants to sleep. The thing under her is so soft. She doesn't feel cold anymore. Just tired. Until she feels something touch her side. Slide between her legs. She tenses, it hurts her back.
"Relax. I will make you feel good."
She can't find a response. Feels something cold and slippery as the woman rubs her fingers against the sensitive spot. Slowly but surely she begins to feel a hint of arousal. But to her disappointment the hand moved away. She doesn't have the strength to resist or to beg. Something else replaces the hand, it's cold and hard. It begins to vibrate. She feels the woman press it harder against her. Moving it, rub the sensitive spot over and over. She can't hold out for very long before it drives her over the edge. But it doesn't stop. She holds it in place, the vibration intensifies. Ripping another orgasm out of her before she can recover. Her whole body shudders, it hurts but if feels so good at the same time. Feeling both pleasure and pain, sending her into a state of delirium. She doesn't remember how to breathe. Everything spins. She doesn't remember how to form thoughts or speak. Nothing exists anymore, just this sensation. And she can no longer tell if it's pain or pleasure.
Smoke swirls and the room comes into focus. It's not Albert, not Spencer either. Stuart sits on the sofa looking a little confused.
"Master Alex?" it's almost like he didn't expect to see her.
"Stuart." She is surprised too.
She looks like her old self not the young girl.
"Your plan. It didn't work?" he sound disappointed.
"Oh it worked" she says.
He looks up at her still confused.
"But you're here."
"It's only a dream." She says.
"Ah, yes, of course it is." He says with some hesitation.
"What else could it be?"
He says nothing. Deep down she has a feeling of sadness. She hadn't given him a second thought back when he was alive. Just a tool to be used.
"I am glad." He says" I wish I could be there to help you."
"So do I "she says, truthful.
He understood her work, did everything that was needed to assure things went smoothly.
"I always admired you." He says. "I loved you."
She knew of it. But it didn't matter to her. She loved someone else. And Stuart loved her in nonromantic way, he idolized her, worshiped her like a god. Sometimes it even unsettled her a little but he remained loyal. He died for her in the end. And now she wished he hadn't.
"I know." She says." You did a wonderful job. Thank you" She says.
Even after all he had done for her. All the sacrifices. She failed.
"I hope you can find some happiness in this new life, Master Alex" He says.
His words take her of guard. Remind her of Spencer.
"After all, you are free now. "
She can't tell him that she isn't.
"Whatever you chose to do I know you are brilliant. There is nothing you can't accomplish." He says with certainty and adoration.
"I have failed." She admits" I've lost everything."
He looks concerned for a moment.
"But you can start again, like you always did. In the words of King Solomon- this too shall pass. I will do my best to watch over you as often as they allow me."
He is hopeful that she almost wants to cry.
"It'll be alright. Just give it a little more time." he sounds encouraging.
She can't recall Stuart ever sounding this optimistic. He would speak little and offer some words of wisdom or advice that she never paid attention to. He did his work, made her meals and brought her tea. He took care of her so much that many assumed he was her butler, while in fact he was an assistant researcher.
"I hope your right." She says.
He smiles. The room fades.
She opens her eyes she is alone. Some cloth draped over her. The chains are off and so is the blindfold. The pain is less intense. Wounds on her back have begun to heal already. She is sore and sensitive between her legs. Muscles ache but deep in her chest she can feel almost happy.
Her clothes are neatly folded. There is a note on top of them. A phone number. "You know where to find me if you want more. Natalie." She almost laughs out loud. The woman's name is Natalie? How ironic. Something glints in the dark. She sees a needle on the floor. Looks herself over. A tiny red dot of a punctuation mark on her arm. She wonders when it happened. She was too caught up in it to notice a small pain like a needle. Maybe when she was unconscious? Alex isn't even sure what the woman put into her. Not that narcotics would have much effect on her. The virus would probably neutralize them. If Natalie thought she could her addicted she was wrong. Well about the drugs anyway. Alex knew she would be coming for more.
The theory did held up, somewhat. While it wasn't what she hoped for something still triggered. Perhaps it was just a coincidence. But the dream with the smoke filled room seemed to be another thing she needed to investigate. She knew there had to be a connection. She had appeared to as her old self in that room but also as her current self. There had to be a link. And she was not one to give dreams meaning but dreams had a connection to the mind. And the mind is what she was trying to analyze. She was aware of her own consciousness but the other two were locked away from her.
She noticed something else. The wounds on her back had healed by the time she was back in Claire's apartment. The virus inside Natalia had healing properties but they weren't instant or this fast. After that time in the hospital it changed. Healing much faster than normal. In addition with not being able to get sick it seemed like a good deal. The only thing she could deduce was, that the near death experience triggered something inside her. A change. Perhaps it was the other two inside her interfering. That was their way of stopping her from dying. But she figured if she fell from high enough even they wouldn't be able to.. Then again, her old body got exploded and buried under the ruble of the tower and still survived. Perhaps the virus would bring her back as a mangled mass. Not a thrilling prospect.
That is why she knew she would need to see that woman again. To see if it was indeed physical pain that brought it on. It was research. Mostly. She did find her attractive. A foreign concept, still strange to her. Being attracted to another woman. But then it didn't really matter in the end.
