CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #1: Hey everyone i'm back with another chapter, this chapter is interesting because originally it was just the first part and it was really short. I felt it was too thin narratively so I was going to post two chapters this week, but that screwed up my timeline so instead I combined the two chapters I as going to post into this massive 3,646 word DOUBLE CHAPTER! I know you've been dying for a longer chapter so you're welcome charahkids! :P
CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #2: The way I see it every tailspin has to hit rock bottom eventually and this is that moment for our favorite blonde spy. I reconfigured a lot of my story elements and took some stuff from chapter 4 and incorporated them into this chapter instead, It just worked out better that way I promise, this chapter is really depressing, but I promise this is the last depressing chapter for a while.
CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #3: So i'm posting this on Thursday because I'm working tomorrow and wouldn't have been able to post it on Friday at 5:00 pm EDT like normal. Posting will return to normal next week with chapter 4!
Contrition
A Story by
CharmingCharles2896
Chapter 3:
The Long Fall
Chuck's feet were on rails, he was just too numb to even feel as he walked into the quiet funeral home in Washington D.C. for a funeral he hoped he'd never have to go to. It had been two years since he'd spoken to Sarah Walker and regardless of how he felt about her personally he'd felt it necessary to show up to her funeral on principle. When he'd gotten the call that she was dead he'd assumed she was killed in action, but when they'd told him that no she'd hung herself in her apartment, he'd been deeply shocked and saddened. He looked around the funeral home and then to the watch on his wrist; it was only two minutes till the funeral and he was the only one there other than the priest. Chuck was still in shock that she'd hung herself, he'd heard through the grapevine that she'd taken their falling out hard, but not this hard. If he'd known he'd have helped her, he'd have done something, he'd have done… Chuck didn't know what he'd have done, but he'd have been there for her to stop this from happening. The thing was, that was a lie, until 12 hours ago when he was informed of the funeral he'd been furious with her still, two years later.
Chuck was pulled from his musings by the sound of the door opening; he turned towards the front door and watched John Casey walk in clad in his Marine dress blues minus all the medals but with the full compliment of ribbons.
"Colonel." Chuck said succinctly to the man he hadn't spoken too in years, Casey gave him a tepid smile and extended his hand to the asset turned CIA agent.
"Agent Carmichael." Casey said back to him, Chuck shook his friends hand before he looked back over towards Sarah's casket.
"I'm still shocked that she's gone." Chuck said to Casey with a sigh, Casey gave Chuck a look out of the corner of his eye before he looked back over to Sarah's casket.
"I'm not," Chuck looked over at Casey who continued. "About six months ago she called me and told me she was having bad thoughts; she was missing you terribly and was having trouble moving on from you. I told her to call you, but she rebuffed me and gave me some bullshit about your last call ending badly with you telling her not to call you again. I offered to fly her back to Burbank and get her some help, but she turned me down. Kept asking me what the point of it all was, what the point of getting up in the morning was." Chuck looked away from Casey in shame as his eyes filled with emotion.
"I should have seen the signs, I should have been there for her." Chuck said to himself in anger.
"Yeah you should have, but you weren't so there's no point dwelling on it." Casey said before giving Chuck a slap on the shoulder and leaving to find a seat. Chuck simply rubbed his shoulder from the smack, even though Casey was retired he still hit hard. The sound of the door opening again grabbed Chuck's attention; he turned and saw General Beckman walk into the small church followed by two bodyguards.
"General Beckman." Chuck said in surprise as he stood at attention, Casey stood and did the same, but Beckman simply waived them off.
"As you were gentlemen." Beckman said as she stopped in front of Chuck who spoke.
"Is this it? Where's her father or anyone else for that matter?" Chuck asked as he observed the empty church.
"Who else would show up, Agent Walker was a ghost; we reached out to her father, but he told us he had a deal going down and couldn't make it. We couldn't find her mother and other than you and Mr. Casey she really didn't have anyone else in her life." Beckman said honestly as the priest cleared his throat and stepped up to the lectern.
"If you'll take your seats we can begin." Chuck and the general went their separate ways and sat down. The eulogy from the priest was beautiful and gave Chuck pause several times; he couldn't shake the guilt of her being so depressed for so long without him noticing. When the time came Casey, Chuck, both of General Beckman's bodyguards, and two of the funeral home's staff acted as pallbearers. Sarah was lain to rest in a modest grave outside of Washington D.C.; the place was rather anonymous if Chuck was being honest, definitely not befitting a wonderful person like Sarah Walker. The regret Chuck felt as she was lowered into the ground was immense and overwhelming; there's so much he wished he'd done differently, but that was over now, no use dwelling on what couldn't be changed.
"It was great to see you Agent Carmichael." Casey said to Chuck as the two shook hands.
"Likewise Colonel, it's been too long." Chuck said in reply to Casey who nodded in agreement.
"Well if you'd come back to Burbank and see your family once in awhile we wouldn't need a funeral to see each other again." Chuck simply furrowed his brow at Casey's comments, before ignoring them.
"Well I must be going, I've got an assignment to prepare for." Chuck said to Casey who nodded.
"Take care of yourself out there Carmichael, I don't want to attend your funeral too." Chuck simply shrugged off Casey's concern.
"Come on Colonel, it's me." Chuck turned and walked away from the cemetery leaving Casey all alone.
"That's what I'm worried about…" As Chuck climbed into his jet black McLaren F1 and sped off Casey simply shook his head in derision.
And then she woke up…
As Sarah's eyes crept open in her dark D.C. apartment she simply turned over onto her back and stared up at the ceiling, at least someone showed up to her funeral in the dream this time. She ran her hands over her face and sighed; it was only 3:00 in the morning, but she knew there would be no more sleep now. The funeral was one of a number of recurring dreams she'd started having since that horrible day eight months ago. Most times she was buried in a funeral with nobody in attendance or not even buried at all and simply cremated and discarded as yet another in a long line of failed CIA assassins who couldn't take the job anymore. Part of her did think about just ending it all, if only so the constant pain of her loss would end. There was another part of her though that wanted to live and so far that part had been winning, but who knows how much longer that would last given her current situation.
It had been eight months since she'd watched the only man to ever love her walk out of her life. Daniel had selflessly sacrificed himself so that they could destroy the Ring headquarters. Sarah had done as Daniel suggested and skipped the briefing to wallow in her own self-pity. She hadn't realized she'd never see him again after their talk, but when she got the news of his sacrifice she didn't weep; no tears were shed for Daniel Shaw. Sarah Walker was too numb to cry anymore, she felt nothing now that her world had fallen apart around her. After the airstrike that had crippled the Ring headquarters the CIA and NSA were still sorting through the rubble. The only thing she knew for certain was that Daniel Shaw was dead and the Ring was in full retreat all over the globe, the war was over. Sarah had experienced a string of failures and screw-ups that had quickly landed her in the doghouse; her superiors at the CIA now fed up with her screw ups put her on an indefinite suspension. It was only after her suspension that word of her gloomy outlook came to their attention and she was promptly ordered her to see a Dr. Dreyfus for therapy. The thing was, because the United States Government is cheap she was only allowed to see him once every month, so very little progress was being made. It hadn't taken Dr. Dreyfus very long to figure out what was wrong with the formerly invincible Agent Sarah Walker.
Agent Walker exhibits the typical signs of clinical depression. The general strain of the job in addition to her falling out with Agent Carmichael has placed a significant strain on Agent Walker. I suggest she be removed from consideration for field operations immediately and permanently placed in an administrative position so as to allow her to continue her therapy until such time as it is determined that she has sufficiently recovered.
Signed,
Dr. Alexander Dreyfus
So now she was riding a desk in DC wishing she was back in Burbank with her nerd like she should have been. The collapse of her world was an inevitability once she decided to keep Chuck at arms length; eventually all the tension between them was going to have to come to a head and it finally had. Her cowardice and indecision on what was the most important thing in her life had finally cost her everything. She knew it would happen eventually, but no matter how much she tried to prepare herself for the inevitable confrontation she couldn't possibly have been prepared to face Chuck Bartowski and deal with all the pain and anger she'd caused him over the years. Sarah couldn't understand why she'd thought that they'd somehow overcome her cowardly bullshit without a confrontation; Chuck was a forgiving person, but he was only human and every human has a point where they can take the abuse no longer.
She was marooned here in D.C. now that they'd put her on indefinite suspension, she understood why they'd done it, but it still stung her ego when she'd gotten the news. Chuck was out there doing the job and doing it well, which was a lot more than Sarah could say about what she'd done over the last eight months. Where was he right now? She'd heard through the grapevine that he was stationed in Rome at some fancy villa, but what was he doing there? She hoped he was happy and safe, even after all that had happened she still hoped he was happy. He deserved a happy life; she didn't for the myriad reasons she'd discusses with herself ad nauseam over the months, but Chuck certainly did. She knew she wouldn't get any more sleep tonight, so she threw her covers off of her and stood up out of bed. Sarah walked over to the window and opened the curtains to look out at Washington D.C.; the world looked so peaceful out there at this time of night, like nothing mattered.
Chuck's assessment of her after his red test still echoed around in her mind and the look on his face filed her nightmares at night. When he'd needed her to be supportive and caring like he'd been towards her hundreds of times over the years, she'd ostracized him and judged him. His heartbroken eyes still stung her; the look of disappointment and betrayal on his face was an image she wouldn't soon forget. He'd needed her to support him and she'd told him no, she'd told him in no uncertain terms that he wasn't worthy of her love because he'd become a spy even though she'd been telling him for literal years that until he was a spy they could never be together. The truth was, a large part of her was absolutely petrified of being in a relationship with him, but that was no excuse to push him away and lie to him. Now he was off in Rome and she was here in DC paying the price for her cowardice.
As Sarah looked out her apartment window the pain she felt all the time reared its ugly head once again. Some days she felt numb from the pain and could make due, but others she simply cried until she had no tears left. She was missing him terribly, but it was more than that now. Whereas she had her work to keep her busy, now she had nothing to distract herself from just how empty her life was. The monotonous paper work they had her doing was so mind numbingly boring that it simply further increased her isolation. Her life was a mess and there was no end in sight, no friends, no family, no spying, no life skills, no hope…
XXX
She just felt so tired, not the need to sleep kind of tired, but the just completely finished kind of tired. It had been a hard six months for Sarah and if she was being honest this was rock bottom. It was a chilly night, even for early October, but she was okay with it, just meant there wouldn't be anyone around to stop her. That's why she found herself walking to the middle of the Francis Scott Key Bridge that crossed the Potomac River. It was 3:37 am so there wasn't any traffic or pedestrians to stop her from going through with it. As she got to the center of the bridge she walked to the very edge and simply peered over the railing down at the rushing, roiling waters of the Potomac. She couldn't believe she'd actually gotten to this point, but the loneliness and constant nightmares had taken there toll, to the point that for the first time since the Collapse, Sarah felt totally at peace with what she was about to do.
"They'll never even notice I'm gone." She mused to herself as she reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out the tool that would ease the process. It was a simple neurotoxin called Dioxofil Hydrochloride that would dull all of her senses and cause paralysis once it had taken full effect. She wouldn't even feel a thing as the waters consumed her, she'd simply sink to the bottom and fade away like a sand castle in the surf.
"You can't do this, you're Sarah Walker!" Chuck would have said to her if he were here, but he wasn't here anymore.
"Sarah Walker." Sarah said to herself aloud with a self-deprecating chuckle; Sarah Walker wasn't even her real name, but then again the real girl inside of her had died decades ago. Yeah the real girl had been dead and buried years ago, now it was simply time for the rest of her to join that little girl in hell. Sarah looked at the injector, it was her ticket out of here, a one-way ticket away from this horrible life consuming pain that she felt all the time. In spite of her emotional turmoil Sarah really was at peace with her decision to jump, she'd started putting her affairs in order a week prior and had gathered what she'd need to do it only three days ago. She hadn't expected to do it tonight, but after another horrible nightmare and the prospect of this soul crushing pain lasting forever, she'd made the decision rather easily. She knew there would be some people who would mourn her death, but she'd be long forgotten in a year, two years tops.
Sarah made sure to leave a suicide note in her apartment for the CIA, she needed to be perfectly clear that this wasn't because of her falling out with Chuck, this wasn't his fault and she wanted him to know that it wasn't his fault when he heard about her death. He'd blame himself for her death and it would affect him deeply, but she didn't want him to have to live with a pain like that. This was a lifetime in the making, a lifetime of being alone even when she wasn't, a lifetime of having her life dictated to her, a lifetime without a real name or a real home. Her entire life had been run by other people, and now that she was on her own so to speak she felt like she had nothing in her life at all. Now that all those structures that had given her life purpose had been taken away from her, the simple loss of her soul mate had pushed her over the edge. What was the point in living if all that had given her life meaning was now gone and the only person who had ever made her feel like a real person instead of a tool for the rich and powerful now hated her.
As she looked down at the water she shed no tears, she was finally going to be at peace. The cool dark water below would consume her and take all the pain away forever. Sarah looked to her left and to her right to make sure there were no cars or pedestrians coming that could try to save her. She looked at the special CIA injector and pulled the little activator tab on it to engage the needle, which sprang out the end of it menacingly. All she had left to do was inject her arm and climb over the railing and this would all be over. Sarah pulled up the long sleeve of her jacket and her shirt and clenched her fist to find the vein in her arm. Sarah took several deep breaths and readied the injector when a frail voice shattered the silent night; Sarah practically leapt out of her skin as the injector flew from her grasp and went tumbling down into the roiling waters below never to be seen again.
"Don't jump." Came the frail voice of an old woman with a walker as she closed the distance with Sarah who simply looked at her in shock. The old woman was about Sarah's height albeit she was hunched over using the walker. She had grey hair, but from the look of her blue eyes she'd had long blonde hair at one point in her long life. Her slightly eastern European facial features had aged well considering she looked to be in her early 80's.
"I wasn't going to…" Sarah tried to say, but the old woman simply reached out and took a hold of Sarah's hand, her frail hand felt so dainty in Sarah's.
"Your life is precious, no matter how bad things get don't throw it all away." The old lady gave her a firm squeeze and Sarah noticed the beautiful diamond ring on her finger and the charm bracelet on her wrist, it reminded her of the one Chuck had given to her so many lifetimes ago. Sarah simply nodded her head emotionally as she looked down at her feet; she felt the old lady's hand let go of her own and then heard the old lady move on with her walk. Now alone once again, Sarah simply returned to leaning against the railing and looked down at the river. She'd been so close to actually doing it before that old lady appeared and stopped her. Now that the injector had fallen into the river, she was less inclined to jump. Part of Sarah was scared because of how at peace she'd felt about it all. What would Chuck think if he'd caught her? He'd have told her not to do it obviously, no matter how their relationship had ended Chuck would have told her not to do it. He'd have told her with complete sincerity that it wasn't worth it. He'd have helped her, which was a lot more than she'd ever done for him. The one time he'd needed her to do the same for him she'd told him no, further proof that he was a far better person than she could ever be.
Where was Chuck? What was he doing right now? These were the questions in her head while she was marooned in Washington D.C. barely clinging to her will to live. She needed somebody to come save her from this life, but nobody was coming, nobody was going to swoop in and make it all okay again. Sarah simply nodded to herself, drummed her hands on the railing, and turned to look at the old lady. When Sarah looked in the direction that the old lady had walked she was gone. Sarah had only looked away for maybe twenty seconds so where had the old lady gone? Sarah looked the other way and saw nothing…
"Did I imagine that?" Sarah asked herself as a feeling of unease washed over her; Sarah shoved her hands in the pockets of her jacket and quickly walked off the bridge to the bus stop that dropped her off. As she got to the bus stop and sat down on the bench she was suddenly choked with self-doubt, had she hallucinated that entire exchange with the old lady? Was she going insane? Was her subconscious trying to tell her something, and if so what was it trying to tell her? She knew she hadn't gotten a full night's sleep in over a week so maybe her mind was starting to crack up. The nightmares made it pretty hard to get any sleep so she had many nights where she'd only get maybe three hours of sleep before a horrible nightmare would awaken her and keep her awake. There were nights where she'd lie awake in bed afraid to fall asleep for fear of having another nightmare. The sound of a diesel engine pulled Sarah from her worried musings; Sarah saw the bus approach and stood up to board. As she watched the bus doors open she had one final thought…
"I can't live like this anymore."
CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #4: Okay so that was heavy wasn't it? What was up with that old lady? Did Sarah hallucinate that? Was it a vision? Let me know what you think it was!
CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #5: I promise the great comeback of Sarah Walker starts next week so stay with me guys and gals.
CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #6: I know it's a lot to ask but please leave a review, even an anonymous review is appreciated. Your feedback is what fuels us writers so keep the feedback and opinions coming.
UNTIL NEXT TIME :D
