CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #1: Hey everyone, I'm back again... on a Thursday... instead of Friday... Anyways so I'm thinking of changing the scheduled release day of chapters to Thursday's instead of Friday at 5:00. This is for a selfish reason, I felt that wasting all of Friday was a mistake views wise so i'm making a change lol. From now on expect new chapters on Thursday's some time before noon.

CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #2: About the chapter, this chapter we finally meet Dr. Dreyfus and Sarah's continued struggles with sleep rear their ugly head. Originally this chapter and chapter 7 were going to be one chapter, but it was going to be nearly 8,000 words so take this 2,799 word chapter 6 and a 4,996 word chapter 7 next week. This chapter is necessary narratively, but that's about it. Next week we get another Charah moment and meets some new people and visit some new places, but you'll just have to wait til next week :P.

CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #3: My original plan for shorter chapters is quickly going the way of the Dodo Bird so expect longer chapters from now on more than likely, it's just hard to do all the narrative rewrites in 1,700 words.


Contrition

A Story by

CharmingCharles2896

Chapter 6:

The Doctor

After the raid Sarah was whisked away to the hospital for several hours during which time a CIA doctor looked at the numerous cuts and bruises all over her body. She needed stitches on a particularly deep cut and they'd needed to bandage several more, but she'd live. When word of what happened made its way to her job, her boss Jerry gave her the rest of the day off as well as the next day. He was former British MI5 who had immigrated to the United States several years ago so he understood how hard the day after a tough fight could be. Sadly for Sarah she'd been too wound up to sleep even though she needed to sleep desperately; she hadn't slept in nearly thirty hours and she was feeling it; regardless Sarah had an appointment with Dr. Dreyfus so she found herself waiting in the waiting room of his office with a coffee in her right hand and the latest issue of People Magazine in her left hand. She didn't understand why people cared about these idiots who called themselves celebrities, if you don't want people to see your lady parts then puts some underpants on! Sarah sipped her coffee trying desperately to stay awake and alert enough to talk to Dr. Dreyfus in a meaningful manner.

She'd needed this appointment the previous morning after her scare at the bridge, but after her escapades yesterday her world didn't seem as bleak. Regardless she needed to talk to him, she needed some guidance and honestly she was still very scared by what had happened that night on the bridge.

"Walker?" came the voice of a woman on the other side of the desk, Sarah looked up at the woman. "Dr. Dreyfus will see you now." Sarah simply nodded and set aside the magazine; she stood up and walked into the back. Dr. Dreyfus was a nice man and a good doctor who she felt wasn't just looking out for the agency's interests but her best interests as well. Did she miss spying? The answer was a resounding yes, but the truth was he'd done the right thing by recommending she be suspended. She had been so depressed in that first meeting it was hard for Dr. Dreyfus to miss her obvious problems. Dr. Dreyfus had seen just how miserable she was during her first visit when she openly sobbed on his couch the moment he mentioned her falling out with Chuck. Even still she hadn't ever shown signs of suicidal thoughts; that is until two days ago when she'd come within seconds of hurling herself into the Potomac.

The hallways and waiting rooms leading to his office were standard Government Issue cold and boring, but his office was a warm and inviting place filled with books and other intellectual materials. Sarah read the numbers on the doors until she found room 210; the room was down a long hallway around a left turn and then at the end of the hallway. Each room on this floor was a different government therapist for all the different agencies various field agents. With so many field agents doing the dirty work for the United States government there was a constant need for mental health expert, which the government fulfilled by contracting with private practice therapists and psychiatrists. The government paid them for their services much like the VA system for those who served in the military. Honestly it shouldn't have been a surprise to Sarah that the CIA was only willing to pay for one visit a month, the US government was cheap and often showed little regard for the health of those that served under the stars and stripes. How else do you explain the VA, a vast government bureaucracy that wanted to look like a health care system. It was so poorly mismanaged that 20 veterans were committing suicide every single day because the VA wasn't doing enough to care for them.

Usually the care the government showed to it's agents and assets was second to none but apparently once you stopped being useful to them they didn't give a damn whether you lived or died. It was an eye opening revelation for Sarah the previous day when maybe for the first time she saw what she actually was in the eyes of the US Government; she was a tool, a pawn, a deadly weapon to point at an alleged bad guy that needed to go away. They obviously didn't care about her now that she was viewed as damaged goods and sent to this new job in snoresville. As Sarah arrived at Dr. Dreyfus' office she knocked on his door and heard his uniquely gruff voice tell her to come in. Sarah nervously stuck her head in and saw Dreyfus sitting at his desk reading Friedrich Nietzsche.

"Ah Ms. Walker, come in, come in; how are you doing?" Dreyfus said as he stood up and set his book aside; Sarah simply shrugged as she walked in a sat down on the couch.

"I don't know doc, I just don't know anymore." Sarah admitted as she set her coffee down on the table to her left and rubbed her eyes. Dr. Dreyfus observed her body language and only saw a woman who was tired, worn out.

"Have you been sleeping well Ms. Walker?" Dreyfus asked as he walked around his desk and sat in the comfy chair adjacent to the couch. Sarah simply shook her head no.

"I've been having nightmare's and bad thoughts for weeks." Sarah admitted as she saw Dreyfus start writing notes down in his file of hers. Dreyfus nodded in understanding and continued to listen to Sarah. "Then two night ago I dreamt about my own funeral and how nobody but Chuck, Casey, and General Beckman showed up. As if that's not bad enough, I've been contemplating suicide for a couple of weeks now." Sarah said as she looked away from him almost lost in her own world; Sarah's admission gave Dreyfus pause, he'd known she was in bad shape, but this admission of hers was a big deal.

"Have you tried to act on those thoughts?" Dreyfus asked as he stopped writing to look up at her, Sarah silently nodded her head as her eyes became misty.

"Yeah, two nights ago I almost jumped off the Key Bridge into the Potomac; I actually felt happy about it at the time." Sarah said with tears falling down her cheeks as she remembered that horrible low point. "I think I'm losing my mind Doc, I hallucinated an entire conversation with an old lady with a walker just seconds before I was going to jump. She told me not to do it, that life was precious; the weirdest part was that she looked like me if I was an old woman, but she had a wedding ring on." Sarah grabbed a tissue from the box on the table to her left and quickly tried to stop the tears from falling.

For a long moment Dr. Dreyfus contemplated what he wanted to say in response to that, finally he set down his pen and spoke.

"From a purely intellectual stand point your bad thoughts and the hallucinations can likely be attributed to your lack of sleep, you do look horribly tired after all. You've been under a lot of stress emotionally these last few months and it is obviously taking its toll on you. But if I may stray from the purely scientific interpretation of events, what if that old woman was your brain trying to tell you something? Look at the future you could have, look how happy you could be. I am not normally a spiritual man, but what if that old lady was a sign that you need to make changes in your life?" As Dreyfus finished speaking Sarah was quiet and contemplative.

"Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something, but for the life of me I have no idea what it is. All I know is that I can't live like this anymore, I have no friends, I live in this sterile apartment in a city I hate, I'm always alone." Sarah said sadly.

"Unlike in Burbank where you felt like you had a family and friends." Dreyfus said as if he was reading Sarah's mind, Sarah simply nodded and listened to Dreyfus.

"There comes a time in all of our lives where we have to decide what's more important to us, the job or the life outside the job. If your file is any indication your entire life has been about the job, which I can admire, but it's okay to do things other than the job. Maybe it's about time you reevaluated what's the most important thing in your life. I was reading Friedrich Nietzsche before you came into my office and a quote of his feels relevant." Dreyfus said as he stood up to grab the book off of his desk, Dreyfus quickly returned and flipped through the pages until he found what he was looking for and read it aloud.

"He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster." Sarah simply nodded at Dreyfus as he closed the book. "Look what your life is like, by your own admission you don't keep track of modern pop culture, music, movies, and the like. You don't try to make friends, because they're a liability to a spy, you've been told to close yourself off, but that's not a way to live. You don't really pay attention to trivial things, but those are the things real people care about. You're a human being Ms. Walker, it's okay to act like one every once in a while." Dreyfus said honestly, Sarah simply nodded to him and spoke quietly, obviously still deep in thought.

"Chuck was always the one super into pop culture, and I never understood it at the time. He tried to get me into that kind of thing countless times, but it just never clicked with me; I guess I'm just not wired that way." Dreyfus nodded in understanding and stood up to walk to one of his many bookshelves; Sarah could see him searching for a specific book and he made a small noise in approval as he found the small paper back book and turned.

"Hey catch." Dreyfus said as he flung the thin paperback book like a Frisbee towards Sarah who juggled it before finally catching it and looking at the cover. The book was maybe 7" by 4" wide and no more that 100 pages long; it had a picture of a Marine in full Dress Blues staring at a suburban house. Sarah read the book title and studied the many details of the cover…

How to be Human:

10 Easy Steps to Rediscover Your Humanity

By Dr. Alexander Dreyfus

Sarah gave Dreyfus a look, which only made Dreyfus laugh as he sat back down.

"I wrote it for veterans coming home from Iraq and Afghanistan as a way to hopefully help them reintegrate into American society. I think it could be applicable to your situation. You have another appointment in two weeks so I want you to take that book home and read the entire thing before your next appointment." Sarah simply nodded and read the back to herself as Dreyfus sat back down in his chair.

"Now why don't you tell me about your little adventure yesterday Ms. Harper?" Dreyfus said with a small smile as he saw Sarah get one of her own.

"Man word travels fast I guess." Sarah said with a chuckle.

"Well when your face appeared on my TV this morning I was a bit shocked, but not the least bit surprised to hear about what you did." Dreyfus said causing Sarah to blush a bit; she simply waved off his praise.

"I'll be honest Doc, that was the first time I've felt happy in so long; it felt great to save those kids." Sarah said remembering the feelings from the previous afternoon's events.

"Could it have anything to do with the little boy being named Chuck?" Dreyfus said eliciting an icy reaction from Sarah.

"No it didn't, that's purely a coincidence." Sarah said through gritted teeth at Dr. Dreyfus who made a note in his file and spoke.

"I don't believe you Ms. Walker, you may not have consciously made that choice, but for the last three years you've been conditioned to associate the name Chuck with a desire to protect. You may not have done it intentionally but you saved Chuck first and foremost, saving the other children was a happy accident." Dreyfus said knowing this would poke a sore spot within Agent Walker, but it had to be done if she was ever going to heal her emotional scars and grow beyond this emotional low point she was currently stuck in.

"It wasn't like that, I wasn't saving that little boy on purpose." Sarah said defensively not liking what Dreyfus was insinuating.

"I'm not judging you Ms. Walker, but you have to acknowledge the fact that you saved a little boy named Chuck and it was the happiest you've been in six months. You've been on nearly ten assignments since you left Burbank and none of them elicited this reaction from you." Dreyfus finished knowing he was pushing the oft-stoic former spy into an emotional corner, but it was a necessary risk. Sarah simply rolled her eyes and ran her hands through her hair.

"Even if I did save that kid because of his…uh name, what's the difference?" Sarah said defensively, she felt cornered and uncomfortable.

"Ms. Walker, I'm not trying to start anything, but if you can't recognize how much just hearing Agent Carmichael's name moves you to action and effects you then you'll never be able to grow and overcome this depression." Dreyfus said laying it all out on the line for Sarah; it had to be said or she'd be able to ignore what she knew to be true. Sarah simply eyed Dreyfus with gritted teeth for a long moment before she finally spoke coldly.

"I think we're done here, thank you for seeing me on such short notice Dr. Dreyfus." Sarah said coldly as she grabbed her coffee and the book and stood up; she extended her hand, which Dreyfus shook.

"It would appear to be that time; take that book and read it before your next appointment in two weeks." Dreyfus said to Sarah who simply nodded to Dreyfus and made for the door. As Sarah got to the door Dreyfus spoke one last time.

"Ms. Walker, I know you're having trouble sleeping and normally I would simply prescribe sleeping pills, but I know you agent types don't like to use stuff like that. Instead I want you to do something when you lay down to go to sleep." Sarah looked back at Dreyfus so he continued.

"I know it seems counter-productive, but every time you lay down to go to sleep I want you to think about Chuck, not Agent Carmichael, but Chuck Bartowski your asset. Think about a moment when you felt so unbelievably happy, when things felt perfect. Replay those moments in your head; relive those emotions and pleasant sensations. It might just help you overcome the nightmares." Sarah could hear the genuine concern in his voice so she simply gave Dreyfus a nod and a small smile.

"I'll be sure to do that, thanks for your help Doc." Dreyfus simply nodded and watched Sarah walk through the door and leave. Out in the hallway Sarah simply leaned against the wall outside of his office and paused for a moment. Just hearing the name Agent Carmichael sent a pang of grief through her chest, he was out there somewhere killing and lying for the US Government like she used to and it was all Sarah's fault. She'd pushed a wonderful man towards a life that would eventually destroy him and she'd done nothing to stop it before it was too late. Sarah simply shook her head to get rid of those thoughts and walked back to the waiting room to pay for the visit. As Sarah walked down the hall towards the waiting room she was of two minds; part of her wanted to go home and try to sleep, but another part of her wanted to go into work if only to distract her busy mind for a few more hours. Even if her world was a bit brighter than it had been a couple days ago she was still a total mess, but hopefully that would be over soon…


CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #4: So while yes Sarah is making progress you didn't think one visit to Dr Dreyfus was going to fix everything did you? It's never that easy when dealing with mental illness. Now I know this version of Dr. Dreyfus is a bit OC, but narratively I figured it was okay because of how little we actually saw him in the real show. Next week is the final turning point before the comeback begins in chapter 8 and I can't wait for you all to read chapter 7, it's going to be a good one. We'll be seeing Dr. Dreyfus again several times throughout this story so expect to see him again in the future.

CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #5: Please leave a review, your feedback is so appreciated; it really is what drives us authors to keep going with stories.

UNTIL NEXT TIME :D