Chapter 16

I never stop mourning

WARNING- sensitive topics.

Note- I had confliting emotions during this chapter so it could be very confusing and make no sense. I am sorry not for posting I had one of the hardest weeks of my life that I wasn't sure I could get through so I'm very sorry. My thoughts are quiet like Fayes so you can imagine what can happen.

When Finch died

Everyone was screaming at the T.V, telling Finch it was nightlock. I wasn't, she was going to realize that they where nightlock, win the games, win the games and then we would laugh about this. But the berries kept getting closer and closer to her lips she put them in her mouth.

"Finch no!" I screamed and it seemed as if she heard me because she looked down at the berries and her eyes widened with fear.

"Faye I-" And before she could finish the sentence she was cut of by death. The loud bang of the canon filled my ears and as soon as that sound began it felt like everything was a dream, like it wasn't real.

My older siblings and twins where crying while my younger siblings where at my aunts. I was the only one not crying, I just watched the T.V even though I couldn't hear, I couldn't hear anything but the canon booming in my ears.

She was dead. Gone. I would never see her again. My sister is dead.

I got up from the couch and walked to the door, falling twice on my way their because of how weak my legs felt. I think I hear someone call my name but I ignore it I swing open the door and practically fall out of it.

I slam the door behind me and walk into the city, I don't notice time that has passed, I can't think all I can hear is the boom of the canon in my ears. The never ending echo, never ending.

When I get into the town square and I look at the big screen. It was focused on the two tributes from district twelve, my sister didcn't even get a few minuets. They didn't even seem to care that a person had just died that a family was mourning her but those two where to focused on their stupid talking which she couldn't hear because of the echo. The girl didn't even seem guilty, the boy she couldn't figure.

I didn't want people staring and whispering about me. So I just ran, I ran away from the city and to the moutians. When I got to them I just stared at them.

I began to clime the moutian with the cannon still echoing in my ears. I don't feel the exaution I should feel from running through town and climeing a missive steep moutinan. I don't feel the pain when I fall over or cut my knee. I don't even really know where I am, I am just in a trance. A hour could have passed or just ffive minuets and I wouldn't have noticed the diference.

When I get to the top it is already dark, the games could have ended but I don't know. You can faintly see the lights of the district five city and the capital lights blare from here. How can two places be so close together yet so different. I look into the forest, even though it is dark I can faintly see the trees, how I wish I could just run into the forest and away. I wish I could leave everything.

A tear escapes my eye and that's when the echoing of the cannon stops and suddenly I can hear everything again. I hear myself fall to the ground and I hear the chirping of crickets and I just cry. I ugly cry with my whole body shaking. It was so unfair, she wasn't suppose to die.

I wish I couldn't feel the pain, I wish I didn't feel the pain of someone ripping out my heart. I wish I was numb, I wish all I couldn't feel this pain. I wish I went back to it being just a dream. With these thoughts on my mine I slipped into a world of unconsciousness. I sometimes wish I could stay there.

I wake up feeling woozy and weak. At first I wonder why I am on top of the world and I am staring out at the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. But then everything from last night come rushing back to me and I begin to cry again.

My sister is dead, I will never see her again.

I should go home, they all must be sad. I think Fiona, Finley and Faith are probably still at my aunts. I begin to walk down the moutian, it takes me two hours to reach the bottem but I don't care I am to rapped up in my thoughts.

I walk to my house, covered in dirt, twigs and blood from the long clime up and down. I knock on the door with a shaky hand. Fallon swings open the door. Even though his eyes are red from crying and he looks like a mess, he still looks relived to see me. He hugs me.

"Faye what happened to you, where were you? Why are you coverd in blood?" He asks and hugs me.

He leads me inside. I stop infront of the mirror. I look at myself. I have twigs in my hair, my face is pale and I am coverd in bruises and cuts. I look just like a tribute from the hunger games, I mimic Finches expression and I am shoked by how similar we look.

I follow Fallon into the dininng room and all of my older siblings are sitting at the table in scielence. I get a chourse of Fayes where were you and why do you look so beaten up,

Suddenly I begin crying. I couldn't help it. Gone, gone, gone. I look up at everyone and see that they are also crying. When I came in here they weren't crying, they where sad but they weren't crying and know because of me they are all crying. My fault. It wasn't their fault, it definitely wasn't Finches so it had to be mine.

I walk out the back door and no one sees or hears me leave. Most people would fall on their hands and knees and burst out crying. But I won't. I won't think about Finch until I can deal with it, I won't cry about it infront of people because it will hurt them. I want numb of all feelings, so I can protect the people I love even if it hurts myself.

I knew time this was not healthy way for a ten mourn but I just didn't know what else to do. I wanted to cry, I wanted to be comforted because I just lost my sister and would never see her again. But I would have to just get over myself.

I won't let a single tear fall. My face fell into a emotionless expression and I walked back into the house.

I probably scared my siblings with my reaction to everything.

Her funeral.

I brushed the brush through Fionas hair, my face was still emotionless I have worned this as my expression for so long I didn't know if it would ever change. Fiona looks at me through the mirror, I want to smile at her but I can't. I just give her shoulder a squeeze and continue brushing her hair.

Tears stained my eghit year old sisters. I told myself that she was so much younger then me and had to go through this so I should never feel bad for myself. When I am finished with her hair I hug her, I don't feel anything but atleast she is comforted.

I walk over to Faiths cot and take her out of it. She doesn't understand what is going on, she is only two and still talks with a lisp. I look at the three of us in the mirror. All of us are dressed in black dresses with out hair tied up in a bun. Fiona is crying and Fiath is crying just because she is. I am the oldest sister now.

Don't think about her, don't think about her.

I want to punch the glass. I don't want this reality to be real. Why can't the world be perfect, it makes no sense that it is so fucked up. Why aren't they a perfect world, who does it benefit to give us this shithole. I just want my life back without poverty, grief, hurt why can't everything be perfect. What did we ever do to fucking deserve this. Did my sister deserve to die or something? Why are they death. What even is the purpose of life. Love is just a chemical reation, happieness can only be accessed by drugs, Family is just genetics, friendship isn't real. Everywhere but Panem was destroyed and I should feel luckey to be alive but I don't. I want to leave. I just want to be happy but that's impossible.

I look at my face, slight anger on my facial expression. It's almost unnoticeable but it's a start.

The con about loving someone is you can loose them.

I hear a knock on the floor, I turn around to see one of my brothers in the door frame. I don't know who because the weight of pretending to be okay and questioning everything just became to much for my ten year old brian and body to handel. I fall to the ground. It is strange because they are a second when I am falling when everything just seems to make sense for that one second. When I am on the ground all I can think about is that one second.

I walked out of the chaple suronded by a family of people crying and I walked, emotionlessly. I wonder if I hurt them more by not showing my emotions. They shouldn't have to worry about me not showing emotions. I just can't. I want cry, I want to say my speech to her with tears in my eyes. Why can't I be a normal ten year old that acts like a ten year old and not one whose emotions can't explained.

I loved my sister and missed her but for some reason I couldn't show it. I looked at the churches clock and quickly began to tie up my hair so I would be ready for my shift at the factory. As I was about to run of but Frank grabbed my arm.

"You don't have to go." He said.

I just nodded, I couldn't just show him I loved him or thank him I was just like a emotionless shell of a person.

It was hard for me because Finch told me she would home, I believed her. Last week I was convinced she'd come home and I could tell her I had my first kiss. The most childish and sisterly thing we could have done and I could have been like a normal kid. Now Finch will never know I kissed a girl named Bri and she will never know all of thoses secrets I kept from her.

Even though I was home I just wanted to go back to it. I want to go home to the world I use to know not this fucked up one.