Chapter Seven
The two men sat at the table, neither wanting to speak first. Russia wanted his Asian ally to come up with the answer that he was looking right away but China wanted him to speak first, since he didn't know what Russia wanted.
Observing how he was sitting, Russia noticed that China seemed stressed, or maybe it was annoyed? But then of course he was, Russia had just broken into his house only a few minutes back. The nation's arms were crossed as his eyes blankly stared from their sockets, sitting darkly over gray bags under his eyes. The dark brown hair that framed his face was tangled, half of it fallen out of a seemingly halfhearted messy bun that was placed on the back of his head.
"So..?"
The question surprised Russia, forcing him to adjust his focus to China's eyes, a soft smile spreading over his face as he tried to think of something to say, "What is it Yao?"
Sighing and uncrossing his arms, leaning forward onto his elbows after resting them on the table, "Do you want to interrogate me or not aru? I'm not sitting here to look pretty."
Chucking at the bitter words the nation spat at him, Russia smiled more, "No I had questions."
China narrowed his eyes into golden-black slits, "Then get to them Ivan,"
"Alright," Russia stretched, leaning backwards and cracking his knuckles above his head, shaking slightly with a strained yawn.
Scoffing, China rested his chin on one hand, "You know, if you were tired then you shouldn't have broken into my house in the middle of the night aru."
"Yeah yeah," the Russian groaned, "I get it, anyway, would you like to tell me if you are okay?"
"Okay?" the Asian country asked, clearly uncomprehending, "why?"
With a sigh the larger man continued, "It's important, just answer. I'll ask the questions and you answer them, I'm sure you're familiar with this right?"
Nodding, China rolled his eyes, "But what if I'm uncomfortable with the question aru and don't want to answer?"
A cricket loudly chirped outside of the carved wooden window and Russia turned to face the noise, trying to take his mind off the other man's refusal to cooperate. Humming gently under his breath he responded, "Don't answer it if you really don't want to."
An seemingly impossible amount of time later China nodded slightly, "Right," he whispered through gritted teeth, "got it aru."
Nodding as well Russia forced a smile, "So, are you currently feeling emotional well?"
China rolled his eyes, "Kinda, sometimes aru."
"Why is that?"
"Why is what? Is this an interrogation like it should be or therapy aru?" crossing his arms again, China leaned back with an unimpressed frown and tilted his head to the right, his hair falling in strings over his shoulder.
"Ugg!" Russia groaned, biting his lip and narrowing his eyes in frustration, "just tell me why you are 'kinda' well, I want to know how you are doing!"
"What do I owe you aru?!" China hissed as he leaned forward again.
"Nothing!" Russia spat into his gloved hands as he covered his face in obvious frustration, "You don't owe me anything, I'm just worried!"
China exhaled heavily through his nose before speaking through gritted teeth, trying to defuse the situation, "Fine. Fine, I can tell you parts of it, the rest is personal and I don't trust people who break into houses aru."
Russia forced a tight smile over his darkened emotions, "Wonderful." He spat, stressed by the level of hate in his ally's words.
"So," China started before pausing again and tentatively continuing, "Wait, what do you want me to tell you aru?" His words sounded a tiny bit regretful but Russia still growled in annoyance.
"For the love for the Tsar China! Just answer!" As his true emotions came out he had to catch himself, briefly pausing before taking a deep breath and exhaling again. Covering his frustration with a mask of a smile he continued childishly, "Tell me why your emotions are happening, da?" He closed his eyes and tilted his head slightly, smiling happily.
Blinking once, twice, a third time, China sighed. "Okay. I can tell you the basis of it aru, but only that."
"Please continue," Russia purred, eager to get his answer at last.
Turning his gaze away from Russia and firmly planting his eyes on the wall China declared, "America was acting as if he was the only one that lost a lot aru,"
Dumbfounded by the simplicity of the awnser Russia nodded slowly, "In the war?"
"The Cold War aru?" China turned to face the Russian, an incredulous expression on his face.
"Da, that one."
"No, not only 'that one' aru, all of it."
"All the wars?" Russia tilted his head, confused as he stared at the other's blank expression.
Scrunching up his nose slightly and frowning, China nodded, "Yes, all of them aru."
Russia shrugged and closed his eyes, lowering his eyebrows in quite confusion, "Da. I suppose that makes sense."
Speaking again China closed one eye and frowned, turning his gaze to the other corner of the ceiling, "Yes. I lost a lot,"
There was another pause that stretched between the two. But China suddenly caught himself, both of his eyes snapped open as he raised his shoulders in embarrassment, a blush lightly spreading across his face with the frantic edge in his voice, "I mean- we all lost a lot, not trying to take away from everyone else's losses, that would make me as bad as that American-"
Russia hurriedly cut him off, "No no no, it's alright! I understand!"
China sat silently, face taunt and drawn into a tight expression. His fists were firmly placed beside him, pressing into the wood hard enough to lighten his knuckles to a weak off-white.
Sighing and leaning forward Russia looked into his ally's face, who in turn refused to look back at him. "Yao, I don't care. It's fine. Please continue with your explanation."
"Ivan," China whispered as he closed his eyes, expression changing into a more pained frown.
"D-da?" Russia asked, stuttering tentatively. He felt sorry for the nation but at the same time the thrill of the chase was starting to chip away at any true feeling of emotion he was feeling.
"Please, I can't tell you aru. It's way too personal and you won't want to know after you figure it out." He rubbed his eyes as he leaned a bit forward, keeping his arms close to his body as he shook slightly and gritted his teeth.
Russia felt himself deflate, "What?"
Aware of the sadness in his voice, China looked up again, "You will eventually find out, I'm just not going to tell you myself aru. It's inevitable for every secret to eventually come out after you've been keeping them for a couple thousand years aru."
" 'Secret' ?" Russia asked, leaning forward with anticipation.
"I'm not telling you Ivan," China whispered, closing his eyes and shaking his head half-frantically, "You will find out when it is time for you to find out. Not before or after aru."
Russia deflated in his seat, shoulders lowering ever so slightly as he closed his eyes. "Is it really that bad?"
China's brow furrowed, "It's not… it's not the worst thing that could happen, if that's…" he trailed off, slapping his hand to his face, scrunching up his expression to try to hide the severe emotional pain that had resurfaced.
His shoulders shook as he tried to keep the sudden tears down. Russia stared at him silently, unable to hide the blankness in his expression now that it seemed as though his answer would not come.
Taking a moment to collect himself, China lowered the hand that was over his mouth, taking a few deep breaths before reopening his eyes. "I was kind of stupid okay? Now I'm torn up about it. That's the basis."
He stood from his sitting position, his eyes following Russia as the other also stood. "You might know in a few years, I'm sure you can wait that long."
Russia's expression hardened from it's blankness as he saw the resignation behind China's eyes, "Da," he muttered, "probably."
China looked worriedly at him, "I'm sorry alright?"
Russia nodded with a soft and icey sigh, "I know that," he whispered under his breath as China forced a sad smile over his nerves.
"I hope you understand," China breathed, "I know that you've been around for a while as well, you know how secrets are…"
Russia nodded again, harder this time as he closed his eyes. He certainly had secrets, many many nasty words that threatened to crawl from his mouth when he was mad or drunk. Although he would hate to admit it to himself, he knew that all of the nations had hidden parts of their past that no one other than themselves knew of.
He was aware that he should accept that and trust that China would tell him eventually. He had to respect the other's opinion, even if it was aggravating personally.
"Da." the Russian said, standing up straighter, "Я знаю."
"感謝上帝," China groaned, "Okay," his accent heavy after speaking the few words in his native language, the Asian nation looked up at the taller one, "I'll see you whenever time says we have to."
Russia bowed his head, "Stay well."
"謝謝。" China stated, seeing the confused twinge in the Russian's eyes, "It means 'thank you'." He hurriedly reassured.
"И благодарю вас, Я надеюсь увидеть вас снова." Russia said as he turned to the door, not bothering to translate for his ally.
After the door shut he walked a few steps down the street, appreciating the dawn redwoods that grew nearby. But his expression slowly solidified into a resentful, tight lipped frown. Though it seemed harsh, the main emotions he felt were annoyance in his failure to acquire the information he wanted oh so much and exasperation towards the other nation's refusal to cooperate.
As for China, the emotions that he had been keeping in were threatening to boil over again. He refused to break down while Russia was still in sight however, knowing that the younger man would probably find out and also use it against him.
He stood at the carved wood door, absentmindedly tracing the designs with his left index finger. The other hand combed through his hair, bringing it back behind his ear over and over again as it slipped out of place again and again. He was trying to think of something but he felt only a fuzzy blankness in his head, rendering him incapable of thinking about anything meaningful other than the last hour or so.
But even that was twisted and far away.
Why had Russia wanted to know the 'secret' so badly?
Suddenly he shook his head, brain clearing for a moment. And why had he complied with the Russian's questions at first? What had gotten into him? There was no way that he could afford to trust anyone with his past, he didn't really even trust himself with it.
And as he had said, everyone would eventually know. Even now he knew of close calls in the past when he had nearly let the words slip from his lips into the other nations, or worse, his boss' ears. There were times where it felt horribly clique, as if he was some twenty something woman in a European novel who cried every night about her infertility.
But he was none of those things. He wasn't a woman, and honestly that was probably part of the problem. He wasn't infertile, he just got unlucky the first time. It may have started due to a medicine, but it was still valid, and people now knew that after one miscarriage woman are still just as likely to have a healthy child.
In those ways he was unlike the women in the books, and he didn't cry every night about it, it only happened occasionally when he hit an emotional snag or experienced a trigger. Whatever the Russian had actually wanted to know had something to do with his secret, and he seemed to know that there was one even before China had outright told him.
He didn't distrust the man, they were still allies, but he definitely didn't trust him either. It would take a while for his pre-set walls to fall.
