Hello All,
Here is the next instalment, I don't know if I rate this chapter or not, but its a filler that needs to be done... Either way I hope you enjoy and please leave a review to let me know how i'm getting on, or if you have any advice... I always greatly appreciate reviews!
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I do not own The Hobbit, just my OC.
Chapter 38 – Regret
"There you are… you shouldn't stray too far from us, Todd" Bilbo called back as he sighed.
He faltered back a little way down the path to where Todd had stopped to catch her breath, propping herself up against the branch of a mangled mouldy ivy coloured tree trunk. Her hair was limp and hanging darker than usual around her face so he couldn't see her eyes. Bilbo had been keeping an ever-concerned eye on his dear friend, especially after the night before when he had awoken to hear her talking with Nori. He had listened with tears in his eyes as he heard her fall apart. She was hearing things that they couldn't and she was seeing things, he could tell by the way she would flinch, and her eyes would follow something as it moved around them.
Others had been noticing too, it wasn't just him. Kili, who had been sticking close to her ever since he woke up to her first nightmare had been sneaking glances back at her for days now, and his Brother Fili was worried in sympathy to his Brothers worry. Yet there was something changing the air now making everyone a little bit more delirious than usual, and Bilbo could tell that the Dwarves were starting to forget things and repeat things and he was terribly torn between storming up to the front of the line to lead them to make sure they don't stray from the path, to sticking right at the back to look out for his dear Friend.
Of course, Bilbo thought that there was someone else more suited to looking out for her. Bofur had been trying to loiter closer and closer to the back of the Company, but every time he paused, and his eyes wandered back to Todd, there was a bark of an order from the head of the Company and he was scarpering back off to the front every time. It was making Bilbo's blood boil. Thorin couldn't see the damage he was inflicting because he was too busy leading up the front, he wasn't seeing the excruciating struggle that Todd was dealing with, and Bilbo knew that Bofur stood the highest chance to getting through to her and helping her over come it.
It wasn't to be though, it had fallen onto his shoulders, and he was trying his utmost to keep his eye out for his friend. It had especially become hard when everyone paused to eat their measly lunch rations, even though he thought it was more like night time than lunch time, but who could really tell through all the murk and dark fog that had descended on them.
Everything about her screamed unstable, and it was breaking his heart. He had no idea how to help her, what to say to make it better, how to act to calm her down for nothing he had previously tried had seemed to work.
He watched as her back heaved, her breath was coming out shallow and fast and it sounded like her throat was crackling with the strain as she lurched over further and threw up. Bilbo had never seen so much before, and he was terrified as to where it was all coming from. She was throwing up this black substance every hour, but not eating a single grain, she wasn't even drinking water any more. He had seen her empty her own water skin the previous morning, and she had not filled it up from the store Bombur had yet.
He took a tentative step forwards and reached out a hand to her shoulder, hoping that he would be able to at least rub her back as she was sick, to sooth and just remind her that he was there for her. For that was what he would want, when he was a child his Mother would do just that and the feel of her closeness always made him feel better.
"Todd?" He offered, to make sure she knew he was there. He knew better than to startle her. Her head tipped to the side so that her hair could part and she stared up to him with shaking eyes. Her expression blank and he had to take a breath before continuing to reach out to her. "Here, let me help… just breath!"
Just as his fingers brushed her shoulder her face split, and a snarl so feral that Bilbo took a step back as it broke out across her face. Her nose crumpled up making her resemble her first skin. Her eyes were wild now, pupils as small as pinpricks and all the emerald in them faded to black, the shaking intensified as she pinned him with her stare. The growl she made had the hairs on the back of Bilbo's neck stand on end and in that instant he felt the over bearing and unending urge to slip his hand into his pocket, to feel the cold metal that was hidden within. To push it over one finger and finally wear it again. It was like the mad look in her eyes had set something off in him, yet as quickly as she had turned on him, her eyes started to clear.
The shaking in her eyes slowed and cleared as if the fog of the forest had taken over but was now receding. Her snarl faltered, and she sucked in a rasping breath, tears welling up in her eyes.
"I'm so… sorry, I…" She stuttered, taking a shaky step back from Bilbo but catching her foot on the root of the mangled tree. She fell back with a soft yelp onto her back side. Grubby hands coming up before her to stop Bilbo from getting closer.
"Calm down" He tried, shaking his head and clearing his mind of the ring in his pocket. His friend looked up at him with completely exhausted and defeated eyes, overflowing with tears and he couldn't help but feel his own well up in his eyes.
"No, I didn't mean to…" She shook her head and crushed her eyes shut tight.
"Let me help you Todd, you're not well and you can't keep on like this" He insisted, leaning down but not moving to touch her, because he knew she didn't want him to.
"No, leave me alone Bilbo" She begged before pulling herself unsteadily to her feet, once up she glanced over Bilbo's shoulder and caught eyes with a pair of shocked and concerned ones. Eyes that made her blood boil and flutter all at the same time. She bit her tongue as she rushed passed Bilbo, knocking her shoulder through Bofur's as she passed him too.
Bilbo span round and watched as his dearest friend hastily shoot off to loiter on the outskirts of the Company once more. Knocking her shoulder through Bofur's as he stood mere steps away. Bilbo could tell in that instant that the hatted dwarve had seen everything and was just as shocked as he was, but he was also glad that Bofur had witnessed Todd as she broke. Maybe now he would do something about it, maybe now he would defy his Kings stupid and ill made orders and help her. Bilbo was sure that Bofur was the one that could pull her round. He sighed and made his way to the stock still dwarve.
"Bilbo… lad" Bofur's voice was a whisper, but Bilbo heard it well enough.
"She's been like that for days now, and this is the first time you've noticed?" He deadpanned.
"No, I knew she wasn't well… but, Mahal, her eyes" Bofur looked to the floor, feeling guilt and worry fill him.
Bofur had been feeling as sick as Todd looked for the whole rest of the day. His heart was shattering, and the pain was making the bile rise in this throat. He had never felt something so strong and so wrong in all his life. His Todd was sick and suffering and he was bound by his King to leave her to it. He felt like every fibre of his being was reaching out and grasping at her, every time he moved he didn't trust that he wouldn't just move to her without knowing.
His eyes had not left her since he had seen her snap and then subsequently break at Bilbo. He felt like he had played a hand in causing her to feel like that, to break like that. He felt like he had sealed her sentence, and that there was nothing he could do to help. The others weren't able to get through to her, and he knew that he could do it, he knew that he could make her feel better, but his King was there every time his feet betrayed him, barking at him, pulling him back. It was impossible.
Yet why his King couldn't see her suffering like everyone else could was beyond him. He knew that the forest was doing strange things to them all, making them forgetful, making them feel like they had had a heavy night on the ale. Yet everyone else was aware and watchful of her, why wasn't their King? It was driving him insane.
He pulled his hat off his head and ran a hand through his messy hair, eyes never once leaving Todd's as she sat with her back once more to the Company. They had settled down on the road once more for the night, or what they thought was the night. He looked around and spotted that almost all the Company were fast asleep save for Kili who was on the first watch.
His eyes found Thorin and he immediately looked to see if he was also asleep. Upon finding that he was, Bofur felt a sense of confidence well up within him. He shoved the thin blanket off from him and pulled himself up onto his feet. Bombur stirred next to him but said nothing, so Bofur started to creep silently over towards Todd.
"You ok?" Kili interjected quickly, spotting Bofur moving through the mass of sleeping dwarves towards where he was sat with Todd on one side and Bilbo fast asleep on the other.
"Fine Laddie, don't mind me" Bofur whispered, trying to stay as quiet as possible.
Kili nodded when he realised that Bofur wasn't heading over to talk to him, but had his eyes set on the back of Todd. She was sat beside Kili but facing out staring unseeingly out into the dark wood before them. She had one hand pulling at a rather dark strand of curls, the other clenching and unclenching around her ankle as she sat cross legged.
Bofur stood behind her then and sucked in a deep breath. This was already the closest he had been to her for what felt like a decade to him. He hadn't been close enough to steal light touches with her hands, or close enough to smell her fresh pine and lavender scent. It was driving him insane, he wanted nothing more now than to pull her into his arms and never let her go. To tell her everything was going to be fine and that they were going to make it to the Mountain together and be together forever more. This was not a fairy tale though and he was old enough and wise enough to know that a scenario like that just wouldn't happen for them.
He squared his shoulders and shook his head, sending one last glance over to Thorin to make sure he was indeed asleep.
"Lassie?" He whispered as he got close enough. He placed a hand on her shoulder and kneeled down on his knees so that he was at her height.
"Go away" She spoke, her voice devoid of any emotion as her eyes didn't even move from where they were staring at. Bofur's brow creased in worry so he moved around to face her front a little clearer.
"Come on now, can I sit?" He asked, pointing to the space beside her.
"Please leave me alone" She shook her head, her voice sounding a little more clipped.
"Todd…" He sighed, moving to rub her shoulder, trying to offer her comfort, only to have her shake him off and turn to level him with a grim expression. He could see nothing but fog in her eyes and the smudge of black on her chin where she had been throwing up once more.
"What?" She bit.
"I just… I wanted to…" The lack of soul he saw in her eyes made his resolve falter a little, his voice nothing more than a desperate whisper. He wasn't expecting this, he was hoping that he would be able to get something of the old Todd back out of her, he was too optimistic. Todd's head cocked to the side as she regarded the large black fox that appeared before them both, it snarled at Bofur, but set its black eyes on Todd.
He doesn't want you here, he wants you to leave. It said, its voice softer than usual, like it was pitying her and the change had her mind soaking it all in.
"You don't want me here anyway, why are you here?" She all but repeated, eyes darting between the Fox before her, that only she could see, and the dwarve that had stolen her heart.
"I never said…" He tried, brow furrowed but what he said next was lost to her as the black fox took a step closer.
He doesn't need to, I can see it in his face, he's ashamed of you. It regarded Bofur with a sneer and then shook its head.
"You don't need to, I can see it in your face" Todd repeated,
"Todd, I…"
"What does it matter, none of you want me here… just leave me alone" Her voice was louder now and Bofur winced, his mind was racing at all the things he should say, that he had wanted to say for so long, but the look in her eyes had frozen him, much like how Bilbo had been frozen earlier on that day.
"Bofur" Kili's voice cut across them both making Todd's eyes fade back out to the forest, and Bofur's to snap upwards.
"What?" He asked, looking worriedly at the Prince.
"Thorin" He nodded over Bofur's shoulder and Bofur turned to see Thorin with his eyes narrowed in on Bofur, fully awake.
