J
I put the entire length of the room between us. I didn't stop until I was standing against the wall on the other side of the room.
Lisa followed me inside and closed the door behind her. Her eyes looked like they were drinking me in.
"Talk. Hurry. I want you gone," I told her.
Lisa flinched from my words. I would not allow myself to feel for her. I couldn't.
"I love you."
No.
She was not saying that. I shook my head. No. I was not hearing this. She did not love me. She couldn't. Love didn't lie.
"I know my actions don't appear to back that up but if you'd just let me explain. God, baby, I can't stand seeing you in so much pain."
She had no idea the extent of the pain. She had known how much I loved my mother. How important she was to me. How much she had sacrificed. She knew it all and she still didn't tell me what they thought of my mother. What she thought of my mother. I couldn't love that. Her. Anyone who mocked my mother's memory. I could never love that. Ever.
"Nothing you can say will fix this. She was my mother, Lisa. The one memory that holds anything good in my life. She is the center of every happy childhood moment I have. And you…" I closed my eyes unable to look at her. "And you, and… and them… y'all disgraced her. The ugly lies that you spoke as if they were the truth."
"I'm so sorry you found out this way. I wanted to tell you. At first, you were just a product that would hurt Rosé. I thought you'd cause her more pain. The problem was that you fascinated me. I'll admit I was immediately drawn to you because you're gorgeous. It was breathtaking. I hated you because of it. I didn't want to be attracted to you. But I was. I wanted you bad that very first night. Just to be near you, God, I made up reasons to find you. Then… then I got to know you. I was hypnotized by your laugh. It was the most amazing sound I'd ever heard. You were so honest and determined. You didn't whine or complain. You took what life handed you and worked with it. I wasn't used to that. Every time I watched you, every time I was near you I fell a little more." Lisa took a step toward me and I held up both my hands to hold her back. I was taking deep breaths. I would not cry again. If she needed to tell me all this and completely devastate me even more then I would listen. I'd give her her closure because I knew I'd never get mine.
"Then that night at the honky-tonk. You owned me after that. You may not have realized it but I was hooked. There was no going back for me. I had so much to make up for. I'd put you through hell since you'd arrived and I hated myself for it. I wanted to give you the world. But I knew… I knew who you were. When I let myself remember exactly who you were I would pull back. How could I be so completely wrapped up in the girl who represented my sister's pain?"
I covered my ears. "No. I won't listen to this. Leave, Lisa. Leave now!" I yelled. I didn't want to hear about Rosé. Her vile words about my mother rang in my ears and I felt the need to scream bubbling in my chest. Anything to block it out.
"The day mom came home from the hospital with her I was three. I remember it though. She was so small and I remember worrying that something would happen to her. My mom cried a lot. So did Rosé. I grew up fast. By the time she was three I was doing everything from fixing her breakfast to tucking her in at night. Our mom had married and now we had V. There was never any stability. I actually looked forward to the times my dad would come get me because I wouldn't be responsible for her for a few days. I'd get a break. Then she began asking why I had a daddy and she didn't."
"Stop!" I warned her, moving further down the wall. Why was she doing this to me?
"Jennie, I need you to hear me. This is the only way you'll understand." Her voice was broken. "Mom would tell her she didn't have one because she was special. That didn't work for every long. I went and demanded that mom tell me who Rosé's dad was. I wanted it to be mine. I knew my dad would take her places. Mom told me that Rosé's dad had another family. He had two little girls he loved more than Rosé. He wanted those girls but he didn't want Rosé. I couldn't understand how anyone couldn't want Rosé. She was my little sister. Sure, at times I wanted to kill her but I loved her fiercely. Then came the day Mom took her to see the family her father had chosen. She cried for months afterward." She stopped and I sank down on the bed. She was going to make me listen to this. I couldn't get her to stop.
"I hated those girls. I hated that family that Rosé's dad had chosen over her. I swore one day I'd make him pay. Rosé would always say maybe one day he'd come see her. She daydreamed about him wanting to see her. I listened to these dreams for years. When I was nineteen, I went looking for him. I knew his name. I found him. I left him a picture of Rosé with our address on the back. I told him he had another daughter who was special and she just wanted to meet him. To talk to him."
That was five years ago. My stomach twisted. I felt sick. I'd lost Yeri five years ago. He'd left five years ago.
"I did it because I loved my sister. I had no idea what his other family was going through. I didn't care honestly. I only cared about Rosé. You were the enemy. Then you walked into my house and completely changed my world. I always swore I'd never feel guilty for breaking up that family. After all, they had broken up Rosé's. Every moment I was with you the guilt at what I'd done started to eat me alive. Seeing your eyes when you told me about your sister and your mom. God, I swear you ripped my heart out that night, Jennie. I will never get over that." Lisa walked over to me and I was unable to move.
I understood. I did. But in the understanding I'd lost my own heart. It all was a lie. My entire life. It was a lie. All those memories. The Christmases that mom baked cookies and Dad held Yeri and I up so we could decorate the top of the tree were all false. They couldn't be real. I believed Lisa. It didn't change how I viewed my mother. She wasn't here to tell her side to the story. I knew enough to know that she was innocent. She couldn't be anything but. This was all my father's sin.
"I swear to you that as much as I love my sister if I could go back and change things I would. I would have NEVER gone to see your dad. Ever. I'm so sorry, Jennie. I'm so fucking sorry." Her voice broke and I lifted my eyes to see her eyes wet with unshed tears.
If she hadn't gone to see my dad, things would have been so different. But neither of us could change the past no matter how badly we wanted to. Neither of us could make this right. Rosé had her father now. She had what she'd always wanted. So, did Georgianna.
I had me.
"I can't tell you that I forgive you," I said. Because I couldn't. "But I can tell you that I understand why you did what you did. It altered my world. That can never be changed."
A lone tear ran down Lisa's face. I couldn't reach up and wipe it away just like the tears were now gone for me. "I don't want to lose you. I'm in love with you Jennie. I've never wanted anything or anyone the way I want you. I can't imagine my world now without you in it."
I would always only have just me. Because this woman had taken my heart and destroyed it. Even if she hadn't meant to. I'd never trust enough to love again.
"I can't love you, Lisa."
A choked sob rocked her body as she dropped her head in my lap. I didn't console her. I couldn't. How did I soothe her ache when mine was a big gaping hole large enough for both of us to fit in?
"You don't have to love me. Just don't leave me," she said against my leg.
Would my life always be full of loss? I hadn't been able to tell my sister goodbye when she left that day and never returned. I had refused to tell my mother goodbye that morning when she told me it was almost time. She'd closed her eyes and never opened them again. I knew once Lisa left this room that it would be the last time I saw her. It would be our final goodbye. I couldn't move on with my life if she was in it. She would always hinder my healing.
But I wanted my goodbye this time. This was my final goodbye and this time I wanted a chance to say it properly. I couldn't say the words. They refused to come. My need to protect my mother's name stood between me and the words I knew Lisa needed to hear. I couldn't tell her I forgave her knowing that she was the reason my dad had walked out and never come back. She had taken my dad away that day even if she hadn't known the damage that picture would do.
None of that changed how I had felt for Lisa before she'd blown my world into a million pieces. I would get my goodbye.
L
Had I ever felt so broken? No. And I never would again. Nothing could compare to holding heaven and losing it.
"Lisa." Her voice sounded pained.
I lifted my head from her lap. She stood up and began unsnapping her shirt. I sat there, afraid to move, as she slowly began taking off her clothing, removing each piece carefully and with purpose. I didn't understand, but I was afraid to speak. If she was changing her mind, I didn't want to ruin it.
Once she was completely naked, she walked over and straddled my legs. Grabbing her waist, I buried my face in her stomach. I could feel my body trembling from having her this close, but I didn't know what it meant. I couldn't assume it meant that she forgave me. She had just said she could never love me.
"What are you doing, Jennie?" I asked finally.
She grabbed my shirt and tugged at it. I lifted my arms and let her pull it off. Then she sank down in my lap and grabbed my head and kissed me. That sweet, intoxicating taste that was Jennie filled me, and I sank my hands into her hair and held her to me. I was afraid she would change her mind. She didn't have to love me; I just wanted her to let me love her like this. It would be enough for me.
"Are you sure?" I asked, as she rocked against my erection.
She just nodded.
I picked her up and laid her down on the bed. Then I removed my shoes and pants. When I was equally naked, I held myself over her and stared down at her. She took my breath away. "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Inside and out," I told her. Then I kissed her everywhere I could, every inch of her face, before pulling her bottom lip into my mouth.
She lifted her hips and opened her legs, but I wasn't ready yet. I didn't want to hurry this. I wanted to savor her. She was meant to be savored and cherished. She was meant to be loved and cared for. I would do that for her. Even if she didn't love me, I could make it enough for both of us.
I ran my hands down her body, memorizing every part of her. I didn't want to believe this was a good-bye. I didn't think Jennie would end it this way. But the fear was there, and I couldn't get enough of her. "I love you so damn much," I told her, and I lowered my head to kiss her stomach.
Her legs opened wider. I glanced up at her, knowing that I had to ask this time. She wasn't promising us a tomorrow.
"Do I need to wear a condom?" I asked, moving back up her body.
She nodded, and I felt what was left of my heart crack even more. She was putting a barrier between us. I reached for my jeans and got the condom out of my wallet, then slid it on. Jennie's eyes were on me. My cock twitched from her attention.
I ran my hands up the insides of her thighs. No one had ever been here but me. No one had touched her but me. "This will always be mine," I said, wanting to mark her permanently. I lowered myself until the tip of my erection nudged inside her. "Never been this good. Nothing has ever been this good." I swore, then filled her in one hard thrust. She wrapped her legs around me and cried out. My battered heart beat wildly against my chest. This was home. Jennie was my home. I hadn't realized how alone I was until she came into my life. I moved inside her slowly, not taking my eyes off her face. I wanted to see her eyes as I made love to her. That was what this was for me. I was making love to her body. This wasn't a fuck. This was me showing her how much she owned me.
She slipped her legs higher on me and wrapped her arms around my neck.
"I will always love you. No one will ever compare. You own me, baby. My heart and soul are yours," I told her as I rocked inside of her. I brushed a kiss against her lips. "Only you," I promised her. It would always only be her. She was my life now.
Our gazes locked, and she cried out. Her orgasm squeezed me tightly, sending me spiraling off after her. When the pleasure slowly faded, I looked at her, and I knew. Her eyes were telling me what I had feared. This had been her good-bye.
"Don't do this, baby," I pleaded.
"Good-bye, Lisa," she whispered.
I refused to accept it. I couldn't let her do this. "No. Don't you do this to us."
She let her legs fall away from my body and go limp. Then she dropped her hands to her sides and turned her face away from me. "I didn't get a good-bye with my sister or my mom. Those were final good-byes I never got. This final good-bye I needed. This one time between us with no lies." The hollowness in her voice sliced me open.
I grabbed the sheets under my hands. "No. No. Please, don't," I begged.
She continued to look away from me and lay limply beneath me. How could I fight for someone who didn't want me? Someone who hated me? I had no chance of winning. I had done everything I knew how to do. But she didn't want me. Not now.
I pulled out of her and reached for my clothing. I disposed of the condom, then numbly went through the motions of putting my clothes on. She wanted me to leave. And I was just supposed to walk out of this room and leave her. How the fuck could I?
When I was dressed, I turned to look at her. She sat up, pulling her knees up to her chin to cover her nudity.
"I can't make you forgive me. I don't deserve your forgiveness. I can't change the past. All I can do is give you what you want. If this is what you want, I'll walk away, Jennie. It'll kill me, but I'll do it." I would do the only thing I could do: give her what she wanted.
"Good-bye, Lisa," she repeated, and she dropped her gaze from me.
I would leave my heart here. My soul, too. She owned them. I was empty without her. I would never be the same. Jennie Kim had changed me. She had shown me that I could love with an all-consuming love and get nothing in return. I would never love again. She was the one. She was it for me. With one final look at the woman I loved, I turned and left the room, closing the door behind me.
When I stepped out into the night, I let the rest of my tears fall.
Loving someone you don't deserve isn't easy. It hurts like hell. But not one moment of my time with Jennie would I regret.
