The rooftops of the Beach definitely are one of Sina's favourite places. She likes to come up here when the turmoil of all those people gets too much for her or when she wants to think about something. Of course she's not the only one who has discovered this place; but the people coming up here mostly leave each other alone.
But there's another reason Sina comes here sometimes. A reason that is hurting her more than it makes her happy, and yet she's drawn to it and would do anything to feel it again, no matter how much it will agonize her afterwards.
He is there, of course. Sitting close to the edge, legs crossed and arms inside the pockets of his hoodie. Today, it's a white hoodie with black dots, and Sina wonders how many stores he has roamed to get all those white clothes. But it doesn't matter, as he could wear a pink glittering dress and she would still not be able to take her eyes off him.
It's no coincidence that Sina meets him here – in fact, she has seen him from below, just sitting there without a motion for almost two hours now. He's probably studying the people down in the pool area, finding out who will die in the next game and who could be smart enough to survive.
Sina has seen him on the roof many times now. Most of the time, she'd just sit down in some distance to watch him, and they have shared a couple of words now and then. Though it has never been something special, and he tends to end the conversation way too quickly in Sina's opinion.
Today, she doesn't just want to watch him do nothing. She wants to talk, feel the warmth next to her, maybe even touch him again. There's an army of butterflies roaming through her stomach as Sina thinks about the last night, the drive to the game area and the closeness to Chishiya that she had experienced.
She had barely slept that night, instead she had busied herself with recalling the events a thousand times. How it had felt to rest her head on his shoulder, how his hair had tickled her nose. His scent in her nose, and then…
Would he have chosen to drive back with her if she hadn't crossed the invisible line by touching his hand? Sina probably will never find out, but this will be a reminder to her for being careful with the things he allows her to do.
Chishiya is unpredictable for her, and there's this fear in her that he will never let her come that close to him again.
The butterflies almost make Sina feel sick. Those feelings are too much for her to bear sometimes, and that's the reason why she has to talk to him. She has to hear his voice, so the storm inside of her will maybe calm down just a tiny bit. Even though he has been the one causing the bitter-sweet agony inside of her, he is the only one able to cure it.
Sina takes a deep breath and sits down next to him. Not too close, but close enough that she could touch him if she just stretched out her hand.
"Hi", she says, and he turns his head just so slightly.
Watching her from the corner of his eye, Chishiya's mouth turns into a smirk. Sina has seen this condescending look so many times now, the barely noticeable raise of his brows, and she'd have given her life to see into his mind for once.
"Hi."
He's not leaving immediately, so that's a start. While Chishiya's eyes return to watch the people down there, Sina feels encouraged to continue, and she desperately searches for the right words so she won't sound too stupid.
"I… wanted to thank you. For what you did yesterday."
"In the game?"
"Yeah. I mean… before. In the car. That you allowed me to…. You know."
So much for not sounding stupid. But at least it's out now.
Chishiya sighs, shifting his body to a more comfortable position.
"Ah." He snorts, shrugging his shoulders. "That was nothing. Don't get your hopes up."
"I don't." Liar. She knew just perfectly that she did get her hopes up because of this, and she somehow still does. "But it felt good anyway. And I want to apologize that I stretched a point."
Once again, Sina remembers the way his whole body had tensed under the touch of her hand.
Chishiya doesn't answer for a while, and Sina fears that she has reached the point where he will just get up and leave her alone. But he eventually shifts around to face her, blonde strands of hair waving in the wind.
"What's the point of all this anyway?"
His question comes out of the blue and Sina is not prepared for an answer, but she somehow manages to start talking, and her bravery surprised her.
"Okay, so… the thing is: I like you. I like being close to you, talking to you… Not that you wouldn't have noticed by now." The alarm bells inside of her tell her to not say too much, but the words just come out of her mouth and Sina can't stop them. "Sometimes it feels like I need to be close to you, or else the pain would overcome myself."
"And does it help you? Whenever you try to talk to me, it rather looks like you're making yourself suffer even more. That's quite pathetic to be honest."
He is right of course. Every time Sina longs for more, tries to get what she can never have instead of enjoying the little crumbs he gives her. Though it doesn't help that he calls her pathetic.
"I… I just don't know what else to do."
Sina feels so small under those cold brown eyes, feels like a little child that always does something stupid. And yet she wants to tell him everything, without knowing what he is supposed to do with that information.
"How about falling in love with someone else?" He takes one hand out of the hoodie and points toward the partying people. "There are so many down there who would gladly offer you some cheesy romance. Why not bother them instead?"
Chishiya reaches to his other side and grabs a bottle of water to drink from it. His words are like ice cold needles piercing Sina's skin, and she knows that it would be healthier for her to follow his advice. But it's not that easy, and the truth is that she doesn't even want to fall for someone else. She wants this pain, because she only wants Chishiya. Even though she can't have him.
Her burning eyes watch his lips touch the rim of the bottle, and the way his Adam's apple moves as he swallows down the water. It is a reminder to Sina that she hasn't had anything to drink since breakfast, and considering the summer heat, it would be about time to change that.
Chishiya puts down the bottle, this time on Sina's side, and she turns her eyes towards the horizon so he won't see the tears trying to break through.
"This isn't quite how it works. Your heart makes those decisions, and you can't just tell it to change something."
Another snort. "Ah, yes. The human heart. While I know everything about the human body, the heart is the only thing I don't even want to understand. It just makes you weak."
"You have a heart too, don't you?"
Chishiya gives her a smirk, and Sina wipes away a single tear that has dared to come out. Her voice is fragile and could crack any moment, but she forces herself to stay strong.
"Its task is to pump enough blood through my body, and that's it. I won't allow it to be a weakness."
"Are you even capable of loving, Chishiya?"
Sina is somehow admiring herself for her bravery, as she has never talked to him like that. In fact, there has never been a conversation with Chishiya that long and profound. Asking that question makes her struggle deep inside, and she searches for something to distract her.
So she grabs the water bottle, and she notices how Chishiya's eyes widen just a bit as Sina takes a sip. While her body thanks her for the liquid, Sina can only think about how Chishiya's lips have touched this bottle just a minute ago. It somehow feels like a kiss, and it's her own little victory because Chishiya can't take this from her anymore.
She places down the bottle again and watches him with a burning face, but Chishiya doesn't react to this. He just leans back again and sighs.
"I don't have the urge to find out. Especially not here in the Borderlands."
Maybe you should. It can be wonderful thing, you know?"
What exactly is she trying to do? Sina searches for any sign of emotion on Chishiya's face, but he's just watching the sky, and even now he has this condescending smirk.
"That's a funny thing about humans. They expect everyone else to feel the way they do, and they can't understand that some might work differently. You pathetically search for what you call love, even though it hurts you and affects your ability to survive in those games. And just because of that, you assume that all other humans have to think the same way."
His eyes lock with hers, and the cold in them makes Sina shudder. "But that's not how it works. Showing emotions is a weakness. Love is a weakness. The Borderlands can only be survived with physical and mental strength, and you can only rely on yourself."
"Love is not a weakness. It can even make you stronger, if you give in to it."
"Is that true, really?" Chishiya grabs the bottle again and takes a sip without taking his eyes off Sina. This action alone is enough to bring back the army of butterflies inside of her, and Sina doesn't even care that her eyes almost pop out of her head.
Chishiya gets up in an elegant move and holds the bottle out for her to take.
With shaking hands, Sina does, and the sneering smirk that Chishiya gives her hurts deep inside her heart. Chishiya leaves the roof without turning back while she can't take her eyes off his back.
She knows exactly what has just happened, and she hates and loves it at the same time. Love can be a strength when it is treated the right way. But Chishiya didn't even need words to prove that it also makes it easy to use someone like a puppet.
Because that's what Sina is to him: a puppet. Nothing more.
